12 Hints for a Happier, Holier Marriage

Every married couple's Kryptonite is different. Some couples have no financial problems, but strain to maintain a healthy work/life balance. Some couples will happily serve the poorest of the poor in a soup kitchen, but have trouble inhabiting the same room with their in-laws. That's why the Vatican has recommended no less than 12 topics to be covered in pre-Cana marriage preparation programs. Unfortunately, a lot of programs leave crucial information out.

So, to make up for what went missing, my husband and I wrote a Catholic marriage advice book covering all 12 topics, from finances and work to community service and relationships with in-laws, plus everything in between. The book is called The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime. Below you'll find some of our best hints from the book, arranged by topic, plus links to free downloadable worksheets.

Personality Differences:

Marriage is quite an adventure, and somehow never exactly what we expect. Our God, after all, is a God of surprises, as Pope Francis is fond of saying. The first bump in the road that many couples encounter is overcoming personality differences. Opposites really do attract, and that adds to the excitement but can also create conflict.

Hint #1: Overcome your differences by searching for and finding common ground, and relying on God who loves you both equally. Help: Download Chapter 1 worksheet.

Sacramentality & the Saints:

Nowadays, fewer Catholics are choosing to get married in the Church than at any other time in recent history. Many people don’t realize what a wonderful treasure Catholic marriage is! The graces of the sacraments -- especially Holy Matrimony, the Eucharist, and confession -- are a powerful aid to couples in their everyday struggles and in times of great crisis. And the saints, our cheering section in the next life, are willing and eager to help husbands and wives get each other to heaven.

Hint #2: Seek help from the Church on earth and in heaven. Help: Download Chapter 2 worksheet.

In-Laws:

Marriage is more than the union of just two people. It’s also a union of two families. Many couples struggle with learning to love their in-laws. It helps to remember that in most cases what the in-laws really want is for your marriage to be successful, long-lasting, and happy. By loving our in-laws and extended family members, we follow Jesus’ command to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Hint #3: Listen respectfully to your in-laws' advice, even if you don't ultimately follow it. Help: Download Chapter 3 worksheet.

Work/Life Balance:

Whether we work at home or in an office, nobody wants to feel like a gerbil on a wheel. Work is meant to be more than that, and deep inside we all know it. A lot of effort can be poured into finding a “dream” job or career, and that’s certainly a worthy goal. But sometimes we’re called to bloom where we’re planted and to recognize that all work has value in the eyes of God.  Realizing the supernatural worth of our work will help us to prioritize well: first, God; then, family; and last, work.

Hint #4: Do all your work with love and care because God is your ultimate "boss." Help: Download Chapter 4 worksheet.

Finances:

Marital finances are a hot-button issue for many couples. But frequently couples are fighting over who’s in control and who gets to make the decisions as much as they’re fighting over the money itself. It helps for them to commit fully to the idea that what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. It helps even more for them to realize that everything that is theirs has been given to them by our loving God. We are not so much owners as we are stewards, caretakers of God’s blessings.

Hint #5: When it comes to money, be "we-centered" rather than "me-centered." Help: Download Chapter 5 worksheet.

Family community service:

Jesus wants us to feel a special love for the poorest and most vulnerable among us. That’s one reason why programs for the Sacrament of Confirmation stress community service so heavily. But community service doesn’t have to be relegated to the teenage years. Families can reach out to meet their neighbors’ physical and spiritual needs in ways that amount to priceless gifts.

Hint #6: Help out your neighbors in small, meaningful ways by hosting a play date or buying an extra gallon of milk for them on your grocery run. Help: Download Chapter 6 worksheet.

Sexuality:

One of the most misunderstood areas of Catholic teaching is sexuality. Many people are shocked to learn that the Catechism calls married sexuality “a source of joy and pleasure” and “a sign and pledge of spiritual communion” (CCC 2360-62). Catholicism regards sexuality as a precious gift from God, enriching marriages on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

Hint #7: Communicate (often!) about sex in a positive and intimate way. Help: Download Chapter 7 worksheet.

Fertility:

Women especially are taught to fear their fertility during their teen years when adults (with the best of intentions) warn of the dangers of getting pregnant through premarital sex. Many married couples hold onto that fear, worrying about the impact of children on finances or career plans. NFP encourages the mindset that fertility is a great blessing. It helps couples to avoid or achieve pregnancy in an effective, safe, ethical, and relatively inexpensive way.

Hint #8: Gain a greater appreciation for your fertility through Natural Family Planning. Help: Download Chapter 8 worksheet.

Big families, special-needs kids, adoption & more:

No matter how big our hearts are at the start, they can always grow bigger. Many special family circumstances challenge parents to do more than they think they ever possibly could. Challenges like big families, special-needs children, adopting, fostering, and stepparenting can all be transformed into channels of God's all-powerful grace.

Hint #9: Ask yourselves how far you can open your hearts to new challenges. Help: Download Chapter 9 worksheet.

Parenting:

There is no greater responsibility than parenting well. Our children are God's gifts to us, and they will shape the world of the future. We are called to nurture our children's bodies, minds, and souls, forming them in Christ. "If we are like pencils in the hands of God, as Mother Teresa said, then each of our children is a sketch destined to become a masterpiece," we wrote in The Four Keys to Everlasting Love.

Hint #10: Parent with heavenly purpose. Help: Download Chapter 10 worksheet.

Prayer:

In the day-to-day grind of life, it can be easy to forget that what we do now has consequences for eternity. This is especially true in the hustle and bustle of family life. Through the eyes of faith, we can see that our families are "domestic churches," where we share God's divine love with each other and strengthen each other's faith. A rich family prayer life can bring great peace to our homes.

Hint #11: Grow closer together and closer to God through a deeper shared prayer life.  Help: Download Chapter 11 worksheet.

Imitating Jesus, Mary & Joseph:

The Holy Family is the best role model that any family could possibly ask for. Our Blessed Mother Mary is a shining example of grace under pressure, faith in the face of uncertainty, and perseverance through the hardest of life's challenges. St. Joseph is a pre-eminent father figure, protective, strong, and willing to share all with no expectation of return.

Hint #12: Don't just ask yourselves, "What would Jesus do," or WWJD? Ask "What would the Holy Family do," or WWHFD? Help: Download Chapter 12 worksheet.

What's your Kryptonite? We'd love to hear from you in the comments below. And if you'd like to continue the conversation, please join our online book club (Sept. 10-Dec. 3) by clicking here.

Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self: Contraception, NFP & IVF (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is number eight in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 8

Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self:
Finding a Better Alternative to Artificial Birth Control & IVF

According to Pope Francis, when we rob sexual acts of their natural fruitfulness by using contraception, we disfigure married love (Amoris Laetitia, 80). But 75% of sexually active Catholics use artificial birth control, according to one 2006-2010 study. So what's causing the major disconnect between what the Church teaches and what vast numbers of Catholics actually do? One big cause is fear.

Women especially are taught to fear their fertility during their teen years when adults (with the best of intentions) warn of the dangers of premarital sex. In addition, many couples worry about the impact of children on finances or career plans. "Women can be put into a state of constantly fighting their fertility, chemically suppressing it when it's at its height and then trying to jump-start it as it diminishes," say Manny and Karee in Chapter Eight of The Four Keys.

Natural Family Planning (or NFP) assists women in breaking that vicious cycle. NFP encourages the mindset that fertility is a great blessing. It helps couples to avoid or achieve pregnancy in an effective, safe, ethical, and relatively inexpensive way. And it helps them develop the gift of sexual self-control. In Chapter Eight, Manny and Karee offer scads of helpful information on contraception, NFP, and IVF, including:

• the medical dangers of artificial birth control
• the financial, emotional, and ethical downsides to IVF
• the advantages of using NFP to achieve or avoid pregnancy
• selecting the right method of NFP to fit your lifestyle

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going between yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.

1.  Do you and your spouse agree on the morality of contraception? If you don't, how do you cope with this disagreement?





2.  What have you heard (good and bad) about NFP?






3. Do you or anyone you know use NFP? What were the most powerful reasons influencing the choice to use NFP?





4.  Which NFP method do you think might work best for you and why?






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Why I Stand With the 15% of Catholics Who Believe Contraception is Immoral

Today, I welcome Bette Russo, a good friend who just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary last year, to talk about why she stands with the 15% of Catholics who believe contraception is immoral. After receiving her Master's of Science in Education from Hunter College, Bette taught in NYC elementary schools before having her first child. Her daughters Kristin and Liz have both contributed to the blog before!

Artificial birth control (i.e., contraceptives) is a major moral issue even though only a small number of Catholics (15%) and only 6% of non-Catholics agree with the Church's view of contraception as morally wrong. My husband and I are two of those 15% of Catholics who fully agree with our Church’s teaching and have never used contraceptives. We’re married 51 years with 7 children and 33 grandchildren.

I believe that natural law (& God’s law) views the primary purpose of sex to be procreation. The pleasure a couple experiences with sexual intercourse is an additional blessing from God which also strengthens the love between a husband and wife, as well as mutual respect and a bond of intimacy, all of which strengthen the family setting required to nurture and raise children.

The basic purpose of sex is clearly procreation. God’s gifts to the husband and wife of pleasure and intimacy in intercourse should not be violated or abused by preventing unnaturally the primary purpose of procreation. This has been the clear teaching of the Catholic Church for 2000 years and indeed has been the teaching of most Protestant churches until about 1930. The Church’s first Council of Nicea (325 AD) proclaimed this, as did Augustine in 419 AD. Christian leaders such as Martin Luther, John Wesley and John Calvin all stated the same view as the Catholic Church describing the evil nature of contraception.

After having 6 children by age 33, we decided to use Natural Family Planning (NFP). The techniques of NFP are pretty clear and straightforward, but I must admit we occasionally chose to “take a chance” at a time fertility was possible. And so, yes, we had a 7th child, who now himself has 3 kids of his own. And, in all candor, we could not be happier having this wonderful son and his family, who would not exist if we had not “taken a chance.” But our experience with NFP was that it was very, very reliable. Of course, it meant abstaining from sexual activity for about a week every month. How terrible!

But NFP, in our view, is as reliable, and possibly more reliable, than the use of artificial contraceptives. It involves the use of several bodily signs given by nature to a woman to recognize the few days each month during which the chances for conception to occur are indeed quite high, with most other days having chances that are very, very low.

When we got married in 1964, divorce rates were half what they are today. Without question, divorce has serious adverse impacts on the children of such couples. Several studies show a significant correlation between high divorce rates and artificial contraceptive use, while NFP couples have far lower divorce rates.

Contraception has obviously promoted “free love” behavior and other sexual behavior that violates marital fidelity. Women who use NFP, studies have shown, more often have happier marriages, have higher rates of marital relations, have a deeper intimacy  with their husbands, are personally happier, are more religious and attend church more often, are less likely to have an abortion, less likely to have cohabited and less likely to have sex outside of marriage. This greatly benefits not only the couple, but their children and society as well.

Since the continuation of the human race depends on procreation, God clearly intended sexual activity to be viewed as something special, combining love, pleasure and procreation in a special set of actions by married couples intended to also positively affect the raising of children by a loving and caring mother and father.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!: Press Release for The Four Keys

As next week's launch date for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love grows ever nearer, publicity efforts are ramping up. Ave Maria Press drafted this press release to give folks an idea of what can be found inside our book. If you like what you see, please share widely!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

No marriage—even a sacramental one—is free from conflicts about sex, money, child-rearing, in-laws, and work/life balance. In their new book The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, marriage columnist Karee Santos and her husband, Manuel, a psychiatrist who has been counseling couples for more than fifteen years, explore how applying the wisdom of the Catholic faith to marriage can free us to experience deep, lasting, and soul-satisfying love. 

The Santoses draw on real-life stories, scriptural principles, and the timeless wisdom of St. John Paul II to help celebrate the sacrament of Marriage without downplaying the difficulties of married life. In doing so, they will inspire readers to stay in love with each other, Christ, and the wisdom of the Church. 

The Santoses tell their own story as well: how they learned not to cling to personality, culture, or religious differences; how they learned to put family first; how they overcame health crises that exacted a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll; and how they navigated stressful holiday get-togethers with extended family. They let God transform them and make their marriage stronger. 

Each chapter provides discussion questions, action prompts, quotes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and various popes, and additional online and print resources to stimulate the couple’s conversation, mutual understanding, and positive change. Free worksheets and other supplemental resources are available on the authors’ website, canwecana.blogspot.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS 

Karee Santos is a Catholic blogger and speaker and a writer for the Catholic Match Institute. She has written numerous articles on marriage and family for the National Catholic Register, Catholic Digest, Faith & Family magazine, CatholicLane.com, AmazingCatechists.com, and Aleteia.org. She blogs at Can We Cana?  

Manuel Santos, M.D., is a psychiatrist at Mercy Hospital, Rockville Centre, New York. He also reviews annulment cases for the Marriage Tribunal of the Archdiocese of New York. Dr. Santos is a member of the Sexual Abuse Review Board for the Prelature of the Holy Cross and Opus Dei and also is a member of the Catholic Medical Association, CatholicTherapists.com, and the Society of Catholic Social Scientists. 

The Santoses designed and taught a pre-Cana marriage preparation course, and they write a monthly marriage advice column on CatholicMom.com called “Marriage Rx.” They contribute to FAITH magazine’s “Marriage Matters” advice column. The couple lives in Garden City, New York, with their six children.

The Four Keys to Everlasting Love

How Your Catholic Marriage Can

Bring You Joy for a Lifetime

By Karee Santos

and Manuel P. Santos, M.D.

ISBN: 978-1-59471-603-4

256 pages • $15.95

Catholicism/

Marriage and Relationships

Also available as an eBook

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Click here to purchase on B&N

12 Main Topics Married Couples Need to Know

Catholic couples today desperately need a transfusion of spiritual truths combined with solid practical advice. The Vatican identified the most crucial topics that couples need to know in its document Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage -- and our marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, covers every single one. Each of the book's twelve chapters focuses on a different essential area of concern including:

• personality differences,
• sacramentality,
• dealing with in-laws,
• work/life balance,
• finances,
• community service,
• sexuality,
• fertility,
• special family circumstances,
• parenting,
• prayer, and
• imitating the Holy Family.

As far as we know, there is no other book or program

that addresses all these essential areas.

Take a deeper look at how we did it in this 

Pre-release Table of Contents Reveal:

 

Part I    CALLED TO BE FAITHFUL AND FORGIVING

Chapter 1    Turning Two into One: How to Overcome the Differences That Divide You

Chapter 2    Turning Good Marriages into Pathways to Glory: It’s a Sacrament; It’s a Vocation; It’s a Road Map to Heaven!

Chapter 3    Turning Union into Communion: Extending Your Love to Your In-Laws and Beyond

Part II    CALLED TO BE FREE

Chapter 4    Turning Meaningless Drudgery into Meaningful Work: How to Prioritize God, Family, and Work

Chapter 5    Turning Ownership into Stewardship: Six Tips for Trouble-Free, God-Centered Finances

Chapter 6    Turning Inaction into Action: Families at the Service of Other Families

Part III    CALLED TO BE FRUITFUL

Chapter 7    Turning Spouses into Life-Giving Lovers: The Creative Power of Sex

Chapter 8    Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self: Finding a Better Alternative to Artificial Birth Control and IVF

Chapter 9    Turning Challenges into Channels of Grace: Big Families, Special-Needs Kids, Adopting, Fostering, and Stepparenting

Part IV    CALLED TO LOVE TOTALLY AND FOREVER

Chapter 10    Turning Children into Adults: Forming Your Children’s Bodies, Minds, and Souls in Christ

Chapter 11    Turning Our Homes into Places of Prayer: The Eternal Consequences of Everyday Family Life

Chapter 12    Turning into a Happier, Holier Family: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Can Show You How

 EXCITING BOOK NEWS!!

The books have reached the warehouse, and we have already held the first copies of The Four Keys to Everlasting Love in our hands! Pre-orders and review copies are being shipped out as we speak. Colleagues have told us that they feel "blown away by the gift this will be for couples." We hope you'll feel the same.

To get the book from Amazon, click here. To get the book from Barnes & Noble, click here. And to get a bulk discount on 5 or more copies from the Ave Maria Press website, click here and type in the promo code 4KEYS when ordering.

Firsts and Bests for 2015!!

Proving that 45 may indeed be the new 35, the past year saw me doing a lot of things for the first time in my life. That's true of my husband as well. Bringing equal amounts of fun and fear, here are our firsts for 2015:

• first time being vetted by the Secret Service for a press pass to a papal Mass
• first vocal solo in a Cathedral
• first asked to endorse a book
• first asked to endorse a film
• first child to enter high school
• first child to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation
• first time teaching pre-Cana for the Joy-Filled Marriage program of the Archdiocese of Newark
• first attendance at the Catholic Marketing Network trade show
• first filmed talk
• first post to reach over 8,000 shares in five languages (English, French, Italian, Spanish, & Vietnamese)

And here are the best Can We Cana? posts for 2015, according to you, dear readers!

Top 10 Most Popular Posts

1. Exciting New Resource for Brides-to-Be from Pauline Books!

2. Top 7 Online Resources for Divorced Catholics

3. Parochial School Girl Meets Public School World (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

4. HUGE NEWS: Chris West Will Write the Foreword to Our Marriage Advice Book!

5. Best Catholic Books I Read in 2014

6. 13 Resources on Sacramental Marriage for Everyone from Newbies to Catechists

7. What Pope Francis Meant by Divorced & Remarried Aren't Excommunicated (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

8. Your Marriage is a Pearl of Great Price

9. Top Tips for a Joy-Filled Marriage

10. Our Visit to the Only Carthusian Monastery in the U.S.

Top 3 Most Popular Guest Posts

1. How Learning NFP Led this Couple to Convert to Catholicism: Why NFP? by Alicia & Thomas Sanjurjo

2. How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some, Third Time Around: Divorce & Remarriage Edition by Marie Therese Kceif

3. Why NFP is Great for Men, Too by Daniel Stewart aka Daniel Bearman of Acts of Idiot Praise

Post with Most Likes & Shares on Social Media

Best Blogposts and Mileposts of 2014!!

Post with the Most Comments

Best & Worst of Bishops Behaving Badly, or Week 2 of the Family Synod


Many blessings on all of you for helping this Catholic marriage support community grow. If there are any topics you'd like to hear more about, please let me know in the comments!

******

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The Meaning of Human Sexuality

Our parish church offers a monthly morning retreat for mothers. This year's talks are based on Love is Our Mission, the preparatory catechesis for the 2015 World Meeting of Families. The following reflects on Chapter 3, The Meaning of Human Sexuality.

As the concept of gender grows ever more fluid (you can pick any one of 58 gender options on Facebook), it's worth asking why God created humans as male and female. Bacteria have no gender and reproduce mostly by dividing their cells. Some species of fish are sequentially hermaphroditic, changing genders throughout their lifetime. Angels, who are beings of pure spirit, have no gender. Angels can't reproduce at all, since they have no bodies. But when God made human beings in his own image, he gave us male and female bodies. Why, and for that matter, why give us bodies at all?

One reason God gave us bodies was to help us know, love, and serve him. With our bodies, and particularly through our five senses, we can experience the glory of the world around us, a world created by God. St. Augustine challenged:

Question the beauty of the earth, question the beauty of the sea, question the beauty of the air distending and diffusing itself, question the beauty of the sky ... question all these realities. All respond: "See, we are beautiful." Their beauty is a profession (CCC 32).

As the Psalms say, all creation proclaims the glory of God (Ps. 19:1, 66:4). Our bodily senses help us to learn about the majesty of God and his amazing Creation.

The physical world, everything we can see and touch, is like God's beautiful gift to us. It is an overflow of his goodness. As it says in the Book of Genesis, God looked at the world he created and saw that it was "good" (Gn 1:25). And when God created humans, he looked at us and said that we are "very good" (Gn 1:31). It's as if we were all loved into existence. Or, in the words of St. Thomas Aquinas, "creatures came into existence when the key of love opened [God's] hand" (CCC 293).

Knowing that the entire physical world, including our bodily humanity, is God's gift to us, we are obligated to take care of it and tend to it.  The Book of Genesis explains: "The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it" (Gn 2:15). This caretaking responsibility is called stewardship.

We hear a lot about becoming good stewards of the earth or good stewards of our money. But we are also called to be good stewards of our bodies, our sexuality, and our fertility. This brings us back to the question of why God gave us our sexuality and our fertility. The complementary division of humanity into male and female actually images the Holy Trinity. Within the Trinity, the love between God the Father and God the Son is so strong that it actually is another person -- God the Holy Spirit, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. Within a marriage, the love between a husband and a wife takes on flesh in the person of their child. That love, that sexual love, creates another human being with an immortal soul, destined to become a saint. Cardinal Mindszenty enthused:

The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation.

Our bodies, our sexuality, and our fertility are all God's gift to us. They are "very good," but we need to learn how to take care of them. Parents teach their children how to take care of their bodies and keep them clean and healthy. We teach kids to control their impulses in order to avoid behavior that's bad for them. We pass on basic principles like people who eat whatever they want whenever they want, or jump off high places regardless of the danger, will eventually harm their bodies. Out of control sexuality is similarly harmful. That's why we tell teenagers about the benefits of sexual abstinence and warn them about the difficulties of pregnancy outside of marriage.

The virtue that allows us to moderate our bodily desires is called temperance. Chastity is a subset of temperance, and the virtue of chastity helps us to moderate our sexual desire in a way that's good and healthy for us. Even married people are called to be chaste, to respect our own sexuality.

The Church gives us guidelines for how to treat our sexuality respectfully. It recommends not resorting to physical methods of birth control that literally place barriers between the spouses. It recommends against chemical forms of birth control that have numerous health risks. And it discourages the use of in vitro fertilization, which can result in the destruction of many human embryos as a normal part of the process.

The Church doesn't say that we should have as many children as physically possible. It encourages us to exercise responsible parenthood in deciding how many children are best for our family. It advocates Natural Family Planning (NFP) as a healthy way to accomplish that goal. NFP can be used to avoid or achieve pregnancy. It does not introduce any harmful chemicals into the body or put any unborn life at risk. It does require sexual self-control to abstain during the wife's fertile times. But, as we've seen, sexual self-control is a way of being good stewards of our bodies.

In using NFP, our sexual lives may seem to go through periods of feasting and fasting. But the natural world works that way, too, as fall turns to winter, and winter turns to spring and summer. The Church's liturgical year also follows a cycle of feasting and fasting. During Advent and Lent, we wait and pray. During Christmas, Easter, and Ordinary Time, we celebrate. Through it all, we give glory to God.

Feathers in the Wind: Scandal and Sharing Online

St. Philip Neri once told a woman that as penance for her gossiping, she should scatter a pillowful of feathers into the wind and then walk about the town collecting every feather. The task was impossible, of course, and it emphasized that we can't take back our words once they've been uttered. That's especially true online. But in the age of social media, we reveal more rather than less, constantly chattering about parts of our lives that we used to consider too private or too inconsequential to share. Just went to the doctor? Post on Facebook. Enjoyed our lunch? Tweet about it. Oversharing has become commonplace.

What's more, the tell-all has become the new teaching tool. A recent article entitled "I Donated My Eggs, and I Regret It" from the Verily Magazine website got more than 2,000 shares. An article entitled "I Use Natural Family Planning as My Birth Control" on the Cosmopolitan Magazine website got more than 6,000 shares. These articles speak the language of emotional connection in an era when statistics are less convincing than heart-felt personal witness. The articles make good points, such as Natural Family Planning is effective and worth trying, and egg donation harms women. But is the medium overshadowing the message?

Mary Kochan of CatholicLane argues that it is, and she focuses particularly on marriage-related posts and articles that women write in the hopes of giving helpful advice to others with the same vocation. Kochan recently wrote:

We can give our public assent and recommendation to Catholic and biblical principles without inviting every passerby into what should be our private conversations. ...Among faithful Catholics, there is too much public disclosure on Facebook, on blogs, and in articles, of the details of marriages. Intimate matters, about which we ought to be reverently reticent even with close friends, are being made the subject of online discussions with strangers.  The weaknesses and foibles and even sins of spouses are being held up to public scrutiny.

One reader strongly disagreed with the article, commenting on Facebook:

I think most Catholic bloggers are real and honest about marriage and we need more of that. ...I always ask my husband before sharing things about our marriage but we've struggled because we had to learn everything on our own coming from divorced parents and getting no marriage prep so I share hoping to save people some heartache. 

How do we draw the line between scandal and sharing, between gossip and helpful advice? According to the Catechism, scandal is more than surprise or shock. Scandal "leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor's tempter" (CCC 2284). So, depending on your perspective, an article about someone's reproductive system might seem disgusting or extremely helpful. But unless it tempts someone to sin, it's not scandalous.

Gossip can be sinful if it amounts to calumny -- that is, harmful untruth -- or detraction -- that is, public disclosure of another's faults and failings for no good reason (CCC 2477). Our words have the power "to destroy the reputation and honor" of others (CCC 2479). Most of us who blog or talk about our marriages online probably aren't deliberately spreading harmful untruths about our husbands or our families. But we might be inadvertently harming their reputations or our own. So it's important to ask ourselves what our spouse or kids might think if they read what we say. It's an even better idea to do as the reader above suggested and ask our spouses first before sharing certain details of our married lives.

When it comes to watching our words, no area is fraught with more difficulty than sexuality. Catholic teaching on sexuality is wildly misunderstood. Even the clearest statement, like "contraception is a sin," can require volumes upon volumes of explanation and still leave the modern mind unconvinced. Personal witness can turn the tide.

Not everyone is called to evangelize on the issue of sexuality. But a full picture of the Catholic Church's teaching on marriage has to include it. The Catholic marriage advice book that my husband Manuel Santos M.D. and I wrote includes a whole section on fruitfulness, with one chapter devoted entirely to married sexuality. The chapter wasn't easy to write. The first draft was self-consciously stodgy, since we didn't want to cause scandal.

Our editor was not happy with the way that we essentially hid behind the dry words of doctrine. "But everybody always yells at me when I write about sex!" I protested. My very few blogposts on sexuality had drawn ire or at least expressions of concern from my husband, my father, my spiritual director, and even other Catholic authors and bloggers. My first post on the topic sparked a pitched battle across the Interwebs between those who felt I was buying into the Main Stream Media's Cult of the Orgasm (is that a thing?) and those who felt I was offering important information that young Catholics couldn't find anywhere else.

From the high number of Catholic patients seeking my husband's psychiatric advice with respect to their married sex lives, we knew that we needed to give the best and most forthright advice we could. So, in our book, we tried to follow the general guidelines developed by the coordinators of the Archdiocese of Newark marriage prep program, God's Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage. The guidelines state that in teaching couples about the Catholic view of sexuality:

Personal witness ... can be a powerful gift to help them relate, learn, and feel unjudged. Stay relevant, minimalistic on details, and veiled. Personal witness and example can be too explicit and go to a level that causes them to be uncomfortable, shut down, and tune out.

In my opinion, these guidelines provide a great roadmap to discussing the Catholic view of sexuality in any forum, including online. Kochan's CatholicLane article argues, to the contrary, that advice should be given in private:

There are people who are qualified to do marriage counseling and who, through training, are equipped to help other couples apply general principles to their own situation. They can be very helpful, both in strengthening solid marriages and bringing healing and restoration to troubled marriages. But this is personal and confidential work

Not everyone can locate or afford a Catholic psychiatrist or psychologist, however. Devout Catholics have gone through their own modern-day diaspora. It's hard to find anyone who understands our perspective, much less someone living close by. Social media gives us a safe space to express our fidelity to ideas that our family or next-door neighbors may never understand. We talk on social media because here are the people who speak our language.

Although we definitely need to avoid gossiping or scandal, my opinion is that people who blog or post in support of Catholic marriage offer a much-needed support network. As one lady blogger declared on Facebook, "Write on!"

Eat, Pray, Lounge: 9 Tips for 9 Months of Pregnancy

With the feasts of the Assumption (August 15) and the Queenship of Mary (August 22) coming up soon on the calendar, it's a great time to talk about motherhood and pregnancy. My fifth child Cecilia was born August 13, and I remember that summer as feeling particularly hot! In honor of Mary and with special prayers for all you expecting moms out there, here are 9 tips for the 9 months of pregnancy.

Tip for Month #1: In the first month, you might not even know that you're pregnant unless your symptoms are really obvious or you're using a cycle-charting technique like Natural Family Planning. But if you already know that baby is on the way, then take a deep breath and follow this advice from Sarah Reinhard's A Catholic Mother's Companion to Pregnancy: "pray a Hail Mary and brew some tea. Picture Mary across from you, smiling gently, and know that you'll be blessed."

Tip for Month #2: Research Your Medication! At your first pregnancy check-up, the doctor will probably prescribe medication like prenatal vitamins. All medicines are not created equal, even something as simple as vitamins. Although I experienced only mild morning sickness for my first two babies, I threw up like clockwork every morning with baby number three. Right after I took my morning prenatal vitamin. "It's your vitamins, dummie," exclaimed my outspoken mother with whom we were vacationing. I protested strenuously until she suggested I stop taking the vitamins for a few days. No vitamins, no vomiting. When I called the pharmacist, they explained that the brand of prenatal vitamins I was taking had more iron than many other brands, and that extra iron might have been irritating my stomach. So the doctor switched me to a different vitamin prescription. Problem solved, and thank goodness. If I had gone to my doctor complaining of nausea, he might have prescribed an anti-nausea drug like Zofran, which is thought to have awful side effects including anxiety, seizures, and even birth defects. So always research your meds, especially if you're experiencing problems!

Tip for Month #3: Look Cool in Your Clothes. When I was pregnant with our eldest daughter, I was still working. I wasn't sure how my bosses in the high-pressure law firm environment would react, so I hid the pregnancy as long as possible. Instead of buying maternity clothes, I just kept buying clothes in bigger sizes. The day I showed up in size 16 pants, one of the secretaries snarkily remarked that it looked like I had borrowed pants from my dad's closet. The pants fit on the waist, but were way too baggy on my hips and legs. Maternity clothes are sized for pregnant ladies. Surprise, they fit and look good! In the third month, it will probably be time to break down and buy some.

Tip for Month #4: Eat Well. In the second trimester, morning sickness tends to fade away. Then you can concentrate on eating something more than dry toast, crackers, and ginger ale. For our first baby, we had a super-cool Manhattan doctor who said I could eat pretty much whatever I liked - even sushi, if I trusted the restaurant. For every baby after that, we got different advice on what not to eat. No cold cuts, no soft cheeses, no this, no that. It reminded me of the advice my grandmother received on what to feed her baby. The pediatrician for her first child told her to add a raw egg to the baby's formula bottle, and so she did for every one of her five babies. Until she told the pediatrician for baby number five, and he freaked out. Diet advice will change. Follow what your doctor says, of course, but there's no need to stress or obsess about it.

Tip for Month #5: Adjust Your Wedding Rings. Like a lot of expecting moms, I had super-swollen fingers when I was pregnant. Apparently, this problem (called edema) gets worse in your fifth month of pregnancy and even worse in hot weather. Hello, August! I actually had one of my rings re-sized at the jeweler's since it was tight to begin with. But lots of moms just move their rings to a pretty gold chain around their necks. The problem should go away pretty soon after baby is born.

Tip for Month #6: Have Fun Picking Baby's Name. If you're like me, you picked out your first child's name when you were twelve. If you're like a lot of other people, you've let it wait. Picking your baby's name is great fun. For me, it felt like naming the hero or heroine of your very own novel. In the South, there's a huge tradition of using family names. Catholics like to use saints' names, and Spaniards like my husband like to have a lot of middle names! If you want help with ideas, check out The Catholic Baby Name Book by Patrice Fagnant-MacArthur.

Tip for Month #7: Lounge in the Pool. The seventh month of pregnancy can bring more aches and pains with it. Your hips can feel painfully stretched out, and it might feel hard to walk. And in the summer, the heat just makes everything worse. Especially if you have toddlers to take care of, baby pools can be the best. Slip on a maternity bathing suit and lounge in the baby pool while your toddler splashes around. You'll both be a lot happier.

Tip for Month #8: Make a Hospital Visiting Plan. The birthing class we took told us to pack a bag for the hospital, buy a car seat, and pick an object to focus on during contractions (like that worked! :not:). If they mentioned a visiting plan, I don't remember it. So for our first baby, my extroverted and enthusiastic husband invited the whole family to the labor and delivery wing. All one dozen of them, it seemed. I even met the sister of my husband's cousin's wife for the first time in my hospital gown. "En - can - ta - da," I puffed out in Spanish in between contractions while gamely extending my hand for a handshake. Years later, my husband still expressed surprise that I would have wanted it any other way. For babies five and six, I finally felt strong enough to voice my wishes that people visit me and the baby at home after I was discharged. Hospital time was my time. Whatever visiting rules you want to lay down, decide on them before you go into labor!

Tip for Month #9: Don't Forget to Pray! Childbirth can be a spiritual experience - not a hearts and flowers and dancing angels moment, but a reminder that weakness can generate greatness. We need help to get through this last stage of pregnancy -- help from medical professionals, birth coaching partners, family and God. Recognizing that we need help is a humbling but amazingly enlightening moment. Pray that God will bless you and your baby, and keep you safe for many years to come.

Why NFP is Great for Men, Too

This month's guest blogger on Natural Family Planning is more forthright and funny about sexuality than I usually am, and this difference in perspective is exactly what makes him such a terrific guest! Meet Daniel Stewart, aka Daniel Bearman, who describes himself as "a Catholic dad from the deep south who loves ultramarathons, okra, books, tattoos, beer, and Jesus." He blogs here and his wife Haley blogs at the well-known Carrots for Michaelmas. Enjoy!

I thought I’d jump in here and list a few things I like about NFP. Obviously, this is all from my experience so I’m not speaking for or to every man ever. But it's a fun list!

1. NFP doesn’t make fertility a “women’s problem.” Obviously, it takes two to tango. And it takes two to have sex and make a baby (See what I did there? You thought I was just going to use a weird euphemism for sex but then I just went ahead and said “sex”). But, more than that, fertility isn’t just something women need to worry about. As a man, I’m like, a good 50% of the equation here. Maybe even more because my fertility is pretty constant. Whatever the percentage, my wife and I are in this together. And NFP is a recognition of that. We abstain together and we work together to understand and plan our sex life.

2. I get to understand what’s going on with my wife’s body. I remember three things from my sex ed class in 10th grade: they passed around a set of rubber testicles (I can’t remember why), they showed us the horrible aftermath of sexually transmitted diseases, and the girls and guys were completely separated the entire time. I’m sure our segregation had something to do with the rubber testicles and was probably a wise decision. But this style of sex ed also set the tone for the way most men approach fertility. “What did the girls learn in the other room? What mysteries were revealed? I have no idea! But I’m certain they did more than pass around rubber organs. WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! There’s no way for us males to find out. We were in THIS room with the pictures of STDs!”  But now I CAN find out. The door has been opened! I can read up on types of NFP or just talk with my wife about what’s going on with her and her cycle. I still avoid the word “ovulating” but I’ll grow up someday.

3. I get to support my wife in this (big) part of our relationship. When my wife was on the pill, I always felt like that was kind of her thing. What could I do? Tell her “good job” for taking a pill? Remind her in a patronizing way? But, with NFP, I feel more connected with my wife because we’re both involved. I mean, I don’t chart for her. But I’m still involved in both understanding our fertility and abstaining when it’s necessary. As for the whole charting thing, my wife applies a lot of effort to that and does a great job. So I get to support and encourage her in this. I’ll admit, that’s something I don’t do enough of. Sorry!

4. Sex without contraceptives is better. I mean this in both a narrow sense and a broader sense. Sex with condoms is… not that great. At least, not compared to sex without them. Any guy who has had sex both with and without condoms knows this. But I don’t think we’re supposed to talk about it because this would somehow support “unsafe sex.” I don’t promote unsafe sex, of course. I actually promote the safest sex of all, the sex that takes place within a monogamous relationship. But if Outkast won’t talk about how much better sex is without condoms, I guess I shouldn’t either. There’s also other practicals like how chemical birth control affects hormones. Surprise! Hormones are important! Other issues impact all of this too. But, without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that our sex life is a lot more awesome now than it was when we used birth control. Now, more broadly, sex without contraceptives involves a complete view of sex that is more satisfying and unifying. I’ve written about this before on this post for my wife’s blog.

So, if you’re a man, don’t be scared of NFP. There are plenty of things in the upside column. And, hey!, no one is going to make you hold rubber testicles.

Sex, Intimacy, and NFP

This month's Natural Family Planning post is written by Colin Corcoran of The Catholic Husband: 23 Years Happily Married and Counting. Colin explains how he reacted when his wife converted to Catholicism and then dropped the bombshell -- she wanted to stop using artificial birth control. Want to raise the question with your spouse? Show them this post and ask them what they think. At the least, it'll jump start a difficult but important conversation.

I’m well aware this is a topic nobody really wants to talk about. We would be happier to just pretend it didn’t exist and go on our merry way. None of this changes the fact that I feel compelled to write about it today, and it’s a post that I have been stewing over for some time now. You’re probably telling yourself this doesn’t apply to you or your marriage, or that you and your wife have a mutual understanding. The hard truth is what you really might have is a mutual desire to avoid a deeply emotional subject which could potentially ignite a conflict if even mentioned. If after you read my story you find yourself feeling differently, consider letting your wife know that you’ve been reconsidering any prior decision on artificial birth control. This opens the door for a conversation if she senses you are sincere and would like the opportunity to revise the way things are. Heck, you might even let her read this just to get her reaction.

If there was a single word that could garner immediate interest and make your blood boil “SEX” would be it, whether with anger, fear, indignation, trepidation, anticipation, or some variety of other powerful and inflammatory emotions. I think that’s why it has such a potent effect on our relationships with our spouses. On one side it is a driving biological imperative and at the same time an emotional one. Sex is a wondrous construct, with the power to do far more than provide pleasure. It is also a conduit to intimacy, and when in the right context with the right person, a deeply bonding experience.

This was something I missed for the longest time. I think everyone notices that sex changes everything in a relationship. This is especially true in a marriage. I may find myself on a cracked and skinny limb here, but after over 20 years of marriage I discovered  a few things – some of them far more recently than I should have and this is one of them.

During my wife’s conversion to Catholicism she decided she needed to talk to me. It was obviously important to her; as she let me know in advance and very carefully selected a time and place to drop the bombshell. “I want to talk to you about stopping the artificial birth control”, she said. You could have knocked me over with a feather. If you’d asked me, I would have said everything was great! We had two children and were thinking maybe of having some more, but not that instant. I was taken aback. This would change everything, and change it far more than I realized at the time. It seems she had already talked to the priest about it and read up on what the Catechism had to say on the matter. It wasn’t an ultimatum, and she made it clear that she would not go forward without my agreement to do it. She wanted my consent and for me to take a little time to honestly evaluate the situation in order to give it.

That made things hard – no confrontation, no defiance, no excuse to react in any other way than to agree to look at it and give it some real thought. You might think I would have brushed it off, but I didn’t. Actually, it ate at me and gnawed continuously on my conscience. She provided me the sections of the Catechism relevant to the subject as well as Humanae Vitae and some other materials on NFP. I stuck to the actual church materials and avoided other people's interpretations of them. To this end, I actually read several of the talks that comprised Pope John Paul II's “Theology of the Body”.

In the end I stewed and fretted, not just about the moral implications, but also about how it was going to affect me. Selfishness reared its ugly head early on and guided my “gut” reaction to help ensure the outcome it favored. One of the most important steps we took was to take a class on NFP. I only thought I understood a woman’s body and her natural cycles and rhythms. What I discovered was that I knew more about the inner workings of a nuclear reactor than I did about the inner workings of a woman. We went through the class and spent a few months tracking her cycle. It was something we did together, and it was actually both intimate and interesting. By the end of second month I started to realize just how much I hadn’t understood.

In the end I wholeheartedly agreed, without reservation, to end the artificial contraception for many reasons,  including the following:

I was not willing ask another person to commit mortal sin with me or for me, so that I could enjoy marital relations without reproductive implications. It was not worth the increased cancer risks and other assorted health implications, including decreased libido and increased stroke risk, for my wife to take those pills. When I thought about it objectively, what I was doing was putting my wife’s health at risk so that I could have my way with her without fear of impregnation. Essentially, the pill turned her from a human partner into a receptacle for my sexual angst, whether or not that was ever my intention. What’s worse, I had learned that most pills are abortive. Many work by causing a spontaneous abortion or failed implantation when the prevention of ovulation fails. A condom makes an even bigger statement. Then there is a very tangible physical barrier between us which has a direct bearing on intimacy. To be honest, I heard artificial birth control in general saying something to my spouse – it said, “I want to have sex, but I don’t want any entanglements to ensue”.  The truth is that marriage is all about entanglement, in all aspects of our being.

I had always hoped for a son one day, and one day after my wife passed a clot  during her period, I went to look at the carefully wrapped bloody pad in the wastebasket. It dawned on me with a sudden clarity that the son I had so long desired might be that very clot now laid to rest in a tidy package at the bottom of the trash can. That moment my mind was made up, and I agreed.

The part of this whole discourse that is important however, is that it caused me to totally change the way I viewed and treated my wife and our sexual relationship. I would have been aghast and defensive if you had suggested to me that I had been selfish or that my motives or actions were less than honorable. However, that feeling does not stand the test of scrutiny from several years forward in time. While parts it of manifest themselves immediately, the change was not instantaneous – but no lasting change usually is. The truth is that things only got better from there, and we had 2 more children using NFP to achieve the conception by predicting those times most favorable for doing so. My wife felt much better in general, and thought I thought our sex life was great before – there was a spark missing which rekindled itself into a burning flame once the intimacy barrier of artificial conception was removed.

Let’s be clear that I’m not at all advocating having children until your wife’s uterus falls out, nor am I advocating against spacing the children you do have out. Just that you leave room for God to work in your life. Artificial birth control is not infallible either, and just provides a false sense of security which ends up being an excuse for the holocaust of abortion in far too many instances. I am saying that disposing of artificial birth control will change your entire perspective on sex, your spouse, and your marriage. In making this decision together, you’ll both be sending the other person a message – and don’t let that message to be “I love you, but not enough to accept the possibility that our love might create a new life who is part of both of us.”. How would you feel if your wife whispered in your ear, “I love you dear, but I abhor the thought of carrying your child”?  It would kill the mood for me too. Opening yourself to life might add a spark and excitement that has been absent far too long, and the message it sends about love and acceptance to the other person works wonders on the intimacy level which can be achieved.

 Photo Credit: spentpenny via Compfight cc

Best Blogposts and Mileposts of 2014!!

2014 was a banner year for us. Manny and I signed a book contract with Ave Maria Press (loud huzzahs!), the blog got a brand spanking new logo thanks to the efforts of sister-in-law Nancy Santos, and 13 posts were awarded National Catholic Register's The Best in Catholic Blogging.

Blogpost topics have included everything from work/life balance and marital finances to divorce and remarriage, a First Communion memoir, and special needs parenting. I've even covered difficult issues like adultery, homosexuality, and date rape. My articles reporting on Pope Francis' Synod on the Family appeared at stellar Catholic news site Aleteia. To my intense excitement, the Catholic Match Institute also featured my posts on what makes sacramental marriage so special and how to flirt.

The past year also saw the introduction of three new series on the blog. Manny wrote a large block of political-minded posts over the summer -- posts that also ran on Catholictherapists.com. Several long-time married couples have contributed to How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some. Many NFP couples have presented important and detailed information on Why & How Natural Family Planning Works for Us. No wonder our whole family collapsed in a sleepy heap for the entire Christmas vacation!

So here's a run-down of the 2014 posts you liked the best, and a request -- tell me what else you'd most like to read about here!

Top 10 Most Popular Posts

1. My Top 10 Favorite Quotes from Pope Francis (Some Will Surprise You!)

2. How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

3. Gay Catholic Romance Novel Shows Sacrifice is the Heart of Love (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

4. Two Kids' Book Picks: One Light, One Heavy (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

5. My Top 10 Favorite Date Ideas from Spouse Dates (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

6. Woof!: British Divorcee Marries Her Loyal Dog

7. Chastity and Love: Please Don't Let Them Be Misunderstood (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

8. I Am More Than My Desire

9. Roundup of Best Posts for NFP Awareness Week 2014

10. Six Ways to Pray Your Way Through Lent (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

Top 3 Most Popular Guest Posts

1. No Better Aphrodisiac: Why NFP? by Allison & Kevin Gingras of Reconciled to You

2. Pablo & Kristin's Tips on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

3. Free Sex: A New Right? by hubby Manuel P. Santos, M.D.

Post with Most Likes & Shares on Social Media

big, Big, BIG Book News: We Have a Signed Contract!

Post with the Most Comments

Does God Want You to Have It All?

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Many blessings on all of you for helping this Catholic marriage support community grow. If there are any topics you'd like to hear more about, please let me know in the comments!

"I Gained a Better Appreciation of My Wife": Why NFP?

James and Karen join us this month in a "he said"- "she said" explanation of why they use Natural Family Planning (NFP). Karen experienced bad mood swings on hormonal birth control, which wasn't good for their relationship. Although they originally tried NFP and gave up on it, they eventually returned. Karen enthuses, "It's like a health checkup every month!" and James says that NFP has given him a greater appreciation of Karen -- "not just sexually, but about all of who she is." For more posts in the monthly interview series Why and How Natural Family Planning Works for Us, click here.

Hello, we are Karen and James, and we have been married for 12 years. We tried to use NFP early in our marriage, gave up, then came back to it. Since then, we have been using it for about 2 1/2 years. We have two living children ages 10 and 8 and one in heaven from an ectopic pregnancy. 

1. Why do you use NFP?

K: Health reasons. Birth control does not agree with my body.

J: Health reasons. She was having some health issues and we figured out that the birth control  was the cause of it.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

K: Billings Ovulation Method, but with a basal body temperature cross-check. So Billings-thermal. [Editor's Note: The Billings Ovulation Method works by tracking the woman's production of cervical mucus. Cervical mucus looks and feels different during fertile times. A woman's basal body temperature rises noticeably after ovulation, so tracking temperature changes can confirm that ovulation has occurred and the rest of the cycle will be infertile days.]

J: Karen has also used some of the cheap over-the-counter pregnancy kits that you can get on Amazon at 50 for $10. I don't know how reliable the kits are on their own, but they do a good job at confirming the other signs.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

K:

Pros: I'm not crazy or moody or with PMS half the month. When we do get to have sex, it's really good sex. It's nice to know what my body is doing when. It's like a health checkup every month!

Cons: We don't get to have as much sex as we want. It is extremely hard to learn while sexually active, especially if barrier methods are not an option during the learning curve. Girls should learn this as teenagers, before they are sexually active.

J:

Pros: Karen's a lot healthier and doesn't have the crazy mood swings she used to have. It's good to know how her hormones impact her mood so that I can be better prepared. The sex has gotten better, too. It's no longer something we take for granted.

Cons: The abstinence, especially when you don't know how long it's going to be. Also, it can take time to find a teacher you work well with and a method that works for you.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

J: The Diocese of Charleston (South Carolina) is large in area, but has very few Catholics. The Catholic hospitals have classes and some individual teachers teach. The diocese supports NFP, but because it's so spread out, that doesn't mean classes/support/etc. are always accessible.

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

K: The most useful NFP resources have been the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler and our teacher, Kristin Putnam, at nfpaware.com.

J: Kristin and her husband, Tim, have been extremely helpful. As for other resources, Google is your friend. And if you really want to get in-depth with the science, PubMed.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

K: Since making the "switch" we have had better sex, but we don't always get to have as much sex as we want or when we want it. My birth control is no longer making me crazy, which obviously helps our relationship.

J: I have found that I've definitely gained a better appreciation of her, not just sexually, but about all of who she is. The sex is definitely is better—not only is it a lot harder to take for granted when you are using NFP, but the sex we do have is a lot more intimate. Although we don't have any plans for more children, I feel more open to the possibility and that was not the case when we were using contraception.

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