All Love Bears Fruit

Our parish's monthly morning retreat for mothers continues to explore Love is Our Mission, the preparatory catechesis for the 2015 World Meeting of Families. The following reflects on Chapter 6, All Love Bears Fruit. My previous talk discussed how Men and Women Are Not Made to be Alone.

Fruitfulness is one of the essential gifts of marriage. We're all familiar with God's words to Adam and Eve in the Book of Genesis: "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth" (Gn 1:28). God's directive to the mother and father of all humanity refers to physical fruitfulness. But Jesus in the Gospels speaks about a different kind of fruitfulness when he says: "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit" (Jn 15:5). Jesus obviously doesn't mean "he who abides in me bears many babies." Jesus is referring to fertility in a spiritual sense.

As Love Is Our Mission explains, "every life is meant to be fertile. Every life has the power and the need to nurture new life -- if not through bearing and raising children, then through other vital forms of self-giving, building, and service." Married or not, every one of the baptized is called to spread the Good News by acting as God's hands in the world, serving others.

Everyone has the capacity for spiritual fertility -- parents, grandparents, godparents, couples struggling with infertility, priests, religious sisters and brothers, and single people. "Not everyone is called to marriage," Love Is Our Mission reminds us. Even those who get married do it at later ages -- the average age at first marriage is now 27 for women and 29 for men. Most young people can expect at least ten to fifteen years of living the single life. What this means for parents is that we need to teach our children how to be single.

One young woman recently complained that single people "are caught between a hyper-sexualized culture and a marriage-obsessed Church community." Single life is often reduced to a fruitless search for true love rather than a fruitful life of serving others. Living apart from their families, single people have the freedom to live life only for themselves, but that doesn't necessarily make them feel fulfilled or happy.

So, how do we teach our children to lead fruitful lives while they are still single?:

1. "Raise our young people to see that a romantic partner is not essential for human happiness" (Love Is Our Mission). Some parents and siblings tease even kindergarteners about having a boyfriend or girlfriend. "Oh, how cute," say the moms. "He likes you, he likes you," chant the siblings. In our house, we shut that down immediately, explaining that little children are way too young for that. We don't even allow that kind of teasing of our teenaged children. We encourage same-sex friendships instead, and so far everyone's been happy.

2. Cultivate a spirit of community service. At-home chores serve the nuclear family, and community service helps the broader human family. Confirmation programs wisely stress the importance of community service for seventh- and eighth-graders preparing to take the sacrament. The kids are old enough to learn to take responsibility not only for themselves but for the world around them. If they start a habit of volunteering during their tween and teen years, with grace and luck that habit will continue into their early twenties.

3. Teach them how to entertain themselves. An additional benefit of community service is it gives young people something good to do with their free time. Instead of spending their spring break partying in Miami or Cancun, they can go on mission trips to Haiti or Sierra Leone. While at home, instead of socializing in "clubs, pubs, and bars where promiscuity is normal" (Love Is Our Mission), they can join choirs, sports teams, art classes or chess clubs. This is the time when all those dollars spent on extracurriculars pay off, and you see that your kids have a wide range of interests that they can share with other people.

4. Leave their vocations up to God. Some parents badly want their children to get married, either because they're longing for grandchildren or they view priesthood and religious life as a kind of "second-best" alternative. Some parents have bad memories of ill-tempered nuns who whacked their hands with rulers in grade school. Maybe they've missed the great pictures of young religious sisters in full habit playing basketball. But the celibate life is not "sterile" or "isolated" (Love is Our Mission). It's a life lived in community, whether in convents or rectories. And it might be the most spiritually fruitful life of all, spreading the Good News, doing good works, and bringing souls to Christ.

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Top Tips for a Joy-Filled Marriage

My husband Manny and I had an awesome time last weekend giving a presentation to around 40 couples in the Archdiocese of Newark on how to live God's Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage. This great pre-Cana program covers the topics of sacramentality and sexuality, and it's chock full of quotes from Pope St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body and his book Love and Responsibility. I gave the talk on the Wedding at Cana (understandably one of my favorite Bible stories), and Manny gave the talk on the Church's definition of marriage, annulments and impediments to marriage.

As is true in any large group, there was a wide range of knowledge and interest. Not everyone had heard the story of the Wedding at Cana, and some people were more familiar with the fictitious marriage of Jesus and Mary Magdalen than the mystical marriage between Jesus and the Church. It was truly a privilege to be the first ones to introduce some of these people to the beautiful theology of Catholic marriage.

The Joy-Filled Marriage program is given several times a year, and attendees are always given the opportunity to place anonymous questions in a question box. Here are some of the most common issues and our top tips for dealing with them.

1.  The "Inter-Faith" Question

My fiance and are are of different faiths.  What problems might we encounter, and how do we have a successful inter-faith marriage?

• The biggest problems that many inter-faith couples face are celebrating holidays and passing their faith on to their children.
• Religious holidays can be celebrated at home as well as in church (or at temple). Customize your at-home celebrations to reflect aspects of both faith traditions.
• When couples get married in the Church, the Catholic spouse needs to promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith. Discuss before the wedding how that promise affects church attendance, school attendance, and participation in religious milestones like First Communion or Confirmation. Don't sweep the issue under the rug.

2.  The "Communication" Question

What are the best ways to improve our communication?

• Don't roll your eyes or slam doors.
• If you can't talk about it calmly, write it down instead.
• Never let the sun go down on your anger. Give your spouse a hug or kiss of forgiveness before bedtime, and tomorrow begin again!

3. The "First Year" Question

What was the toughest part of the first year of marriage?

• Sometimes couples with the best relationships encounter severe crises in the first year (we faced fears of infertility, death of a close family member, and the diagnosis of Manny's first brain tumor). Don't let it get you down.
• Friends might complain that you spend less time with them than before. Make it clear that your top priority is your spouse.
• You might be tempted to spend less time at work. Give in!

4.  The "Sexual Frustration" Question

If we choose to save sex for marriage, how do we deal with the unmet physical desire?

• Amp up the romance. Channel the frustration into loving, non-physical demonstrations of affection.
• Stay far away from temptation -- don't play with fire!
• If you give in, go to confession. If you give in again, go to confession again. 

5.  The "In-Law" Question

My fiance has family that get into our personal business and I feel like they influence him/her more than I do sometimes.  Am I wrong to be upset?  What can be done?

• Let your fiance know how much this bothers you. Agree to set firm but loving boundaries between you and both of  your families.
• You and your fiance can listen respectfully and thank family members for their advice, while making it clear that the final decision is between the two of you as a couple.
• Realize that what your in-laws really want in most cases is for you and your fiance to be happy.

God bless you and your marriages! If you have more questions like these, ask them in the comments or send us a private email at catholicmarriagerx@gmail.com.

Upcoming DVD Release of Old Fashioned -- A Love Story the Whole Family Can Enjoy!

My kids loved watching the romantic film Old Fashioned with me, and my daughter Maria keeps begging me to watch it again in our next family movie night. I was excited and honored to be a supporter of the film when it was released in theaters this past February, and I'm eager to announce its upcoming release on DVD on June 16.

Chivalry really makes a comeback in this movie, which shows the healing power of true love and respect. One of my favorite lines (and my daughter Maria's favorite as well) is "The world has enough greatness and not enough goodness." One reviewer of the film disagreed strongly with the message of this quote, arguing that God is both great and good. That review has been making me mad since I saw it several months ago, so I wanted to explain why it's so wrong-headed.

True, God is both great and good, but too many people choose "greatness" over God. God's definition of greatness is just not the same as ours, and oftentimes you don't get to pick both. God, who could have come to earth as a Roman emperor or dynastic king, instead chose to veil his glory behind the guise of a poor peasant.  He remains with us even today under the guise of a small piece of bread nestled within a tabernacle. As St. Josemaria wryly quipped,

That big young man wrote to me saying: “My ideal is so great that only the sea could contain it.” I answered: “And what about the Tabernacle, which is so ‘small’ ...? (Furrow, no. 486)

We are foolish when we think our own greatness can eclipse God's goodness. Strong-willed people with a drive to greatness have to remember this most of all, since they're assaulted with fierce temptations to pride. The movie reviewer thought that goodness wasn't a high enough goal, that goodness comes in second place to greatness. But the essential paradox of Christianity is that greatness is hidden in the ordinary things, the little things, the everyday things like the love between a man and a woman.

The story of Old Fashioned tells us that the moral choices we make in our day-to-day relationships are what define us as great or not. What better lesson can we teach our children? So, get the Old Fashioned DVD when it comes out on June 16 and watch it with your children. You won't regret it!

The Way We Met (Through My Husband's Eyes)

Two years ago, in May, I posted the story of how my husband Manny and I met. People loved it then, and I'm sure you'll love Manny's version even more. Add to the fun by sharing the story of how you met in the comments below!

I don’t need to close my eyes, though the image is more vivid if I do. We’re on the lower east side of Manhattan crossing Second Avenue for a quick lunch break when my friend Ayman (recently my friend, truth be told, having discovered that we share a fondness for cigarettes, Spanish culture, and psychiatry) pauses in the middle of the street and with a refreshingly animated air greets a young lady, taking her out of whatever world she was in by uttering her name, “Karee!”

Pleasantries are exchanged, as allowed by the rushed etiquette of crossing a busy street in midtown Manhattan, and the moment passes. Only, for me, it doesn’t just pass. I’m aware of my heart beating faster, harder, more forcefully in my chest as I watch her walk away. “Who is she?” I ask, turning to my friend. “Oh, Karee, she’s a girl I went to college with back at UVA, lawyer now.”  Ayman, secure in the solidity of our friendship but overconfident in the depth of his understanding with respect to my likes and dislikes, immediately blurts out that Karee is “not my type.” In hindsight, though well-intentioned, my Coptic friend could not have been more mistaken.

My curiosity was piqued, however, and I ventured to query my friend in what manner this delightful creature was not “my type”.  Ayman appeared taken aback by the directness of my question, or perhaps there was something in the tone of my voice which betrayed my displeasure with his premature assessment. “Believe me Manny, I know her and I know the kind of girl you’re looking for.  She’s  smart, don’t get me wrong, and she’s a really nice girl, but you two are on opposite ends politically, and let’s just say she doesn’t have the same values you do.” I suspect he was referring to the values associated with my Catholic faith, which were quite similar to those he espoused as a Coptic Christian.

As fate would have it, two years would pass before I saw Karee again. Our second meeting was to occur not on Second Avenue but at my friend Ayman’s apartment in Brooklyn.  In the intervening years, Ayman had fallen in love with a Spanish girl named Eva, an Andalusian  beauty that happened to be my cousin and to whom I introduced him while we were both vacationing in Seville during the famous Feria de Abril (the April Fair which takes place after Easter). As it turns out, Ayman was hosting a party to introduce Eva to his friends in New York.

So, there I was, a third year resident in Psychiatry at NYU staring at her in blissful disbelief.  My eyes were drawn to her lips, her hips, the way she held the cup of seltzer in her hand.  It had been two years mind you, but my heart seemed to pick up where it left off in the middle of the street, beating furiously and demanding that I speak to her.  She was talking to someone, someone I didn’t know, but she seemed to know him no better than I.  Their conversation was short lived, and soon an opportunity presented itself.  She made her way towards my end of the room.

My mouth grew dry as my heart asserted itself within my chest. “Hi, I’m Manny. I think we met two years ago crossing Second Avenue.” Perhaps it was the words themselves or the insistent manner in which I blurted them out, but the look on her face was one of surprise.  Her expression then changed and began to assume a guarded quality, such that I felt strangely like a stalker.  Grasping immediately the need to sacrifice accuracy of recall for prudence, I retracted my statement and assured her that perhaps I was mistaken.  Slowly her fear subsided and the conversation, happily, continued.

As fate would have it, not only did I happen to be reading a short story by the great Russian novelist, Tolstoy, but the mere mention of this fact ignited a spark in our conversation. Soon, I was describing the scene in the Kreutzer Sonata which deals with the serendipitous if not fickle nature of love, or that which we fondly call "falling in love."  Her laughter invigorated me as her eyes reflected an understanding that at once made me feel intelligent and inspired. (It was most assuredly an impossibly happy coincidence that she was not only a science fiction geek but that I had a unique ear structure reminiscent of Star Trek’s Mr. Spock.  My friend Tom pointed this out, after discovering that Karee was a fan.)

The rest of the night was magical. We all drove into Manhattan and had a few drinks at Iggy’s, our favorite local watering hole.  I impressed her with my pool playing, and as the night wore on she seemed to re-enact a scene from Cinderella, suddenly stating that she had to go. “Wait a minute!”  I thought to myself. "Something’s missing. I forgot to do something." As if assuming a life of its own, my right hand rose slightly and as I called out to her my index finger curled itself repeatedly, indicating that I needed to speak a final word to her before she left. She smiled, perhaps thinking to herself, “It’s about time” as she walked slowly towards me. Opting for what seemed at the time the safest request, I asked for her email address, and she scribbled it on a napkin as I inwardly shouted, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”  As she walked away and then out the door, I glanced down at the treasure in my hand and gently folded it, careful to place it safely in my pocket.  

Don't Pretend to Be Someone You're Not: Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

This month's contributors to How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some are Dan and Connie Rossini. The Rossinis live in New Ulm, Minnesota, where Dan manages the diocesan staff. They homeschool their four boys, who are 12 and under. Connie is the author of Trusting God with St. Therese, the free ebook Five Lessons from the Carmelite Saints That Will Change Your Life, and A Spiritual Growth Plan for Your Choleric Child (release date May 15, 2015). Dan and Connie have been married fourteen years and are each others' best friends.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married 14 years and have four sons.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

-Authenticity. When we were dating, we both made an effort to be real, not put on a show. This helped us to know (more or less) what we were getting ahead of time.

-Humility. Though neither of us would describe ourselves as humble, we do both acknowledge that we make a lot of mistakes. That helps us to be more understanding of each other's mistakes and more forgiving.

-Putting God first. Although we have a long way to go, we try to put God and His will above everything else. That means we often have to let go of our preferences, our sleep, and our favorite pastimes for the benefit of the family.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

We met on Single Catholics Online, so it's been a relationship based on faith from the start. At the time, Dan was working on a doctorate in Thomistic philosophy and Connie was writing a newsletter of Catholic apologetics. On our first date, Dan brought his breviary so we could pray Evening Prayer together. He started working for the Church fulltime two years into our marriage. Connie started writing about spirituality soon afterwards. In fact, Dan's first job with the Church was editor of the diocesan newspaper, and he asked Connie to submit a column. He didn't pay her anything, but she tries not to hold that against him!

Anyway, following the pattern of that first date, we have made a daily habit of praying Evening Prayer together, as well as the Rosary. We remind each other to take time for mental prayer. We often talk about the faith and the spiritual life. We both pray for each other and our children regularly. We make instructing them in the faith a priority.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Be real with each other. Pretending to be someone you are not will only cause problems later. Commit to growing in your own faith, and as you make commitments to each other, make God the foundation of your relationship. Resist the culture of death and all its temptations--meaning temptations towards sexual activity outside of marriage. Save intimacy for the one you commit to lay down your life for in marriage. Let your gift of yourself to your spouse be total and exclusive.

 5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

It's often hard to make sacrifices for one's spouse or children, but we have to always think about what is best for the other person and the family as a whole, not just what satisfies us personally at the moment. This doesn't mean you should let the other person trample on your dignity or make all the decisions. True love is the best of friendships. You each give up some things to help the other. Try to think about what you can do for the other person, rather than what he or she can do for you. You will both have to bend a lot in order to make your marriage work. If you do this, both spouses will have their needs met. This is the beauty of love.

Also, when you make mistakes, give yourself a break. We are all human. Give your spouse a break when he or she makes mistakes. Don't expect perfection of yourself or your spouse this side of Heaven.

6. What's your top parenting tip, or advice for couples who are trying to have children?

Our top parenting tip is to learn about the four classic temperaments and how each operates. This has really helped us tailor our parenting to each child, rather than expecting them all to fit one mold. And, yes, this is both a sincere answer and a plug for Connie's new book series on the subject. ;)

But even more basically than that, teach your children to pray! We believe strongly that we should teach our children not just vocal, recited prayers like the Guardian Angel Prayer, but how to begin praying to God from the heart. You can't teach this if you don't practice it yourself.

How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some, Third Time Around: Divorce & Remarriage Edition

After two failed marriages, Marie Therese Kceif found love again with her husband Samuel and faith again through the Catholic Church. A successful automotive plant manager and Army pilot who served combat time in Somalia, Marie nonetheless suffered through physical and emotional abuse, bankruptcy, and heart-wrenching divorces. She tells her poignant story in Eve's Apple, which I'll be reviewing next week (FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT ON THIS BLOGPOST WINS A FREE E-COPY)! Marie has now been happily married to her husband Samuel for 11 years.  They live in Michigan where Marie spends time writing, speaking, leading Bible studies, lectoring, teaching RCIA, gardening, sailing, hiking and bicycling.

1. How many years were you married and how many kids do you have?

I have been married 11 years to Samuel, my current husband. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage: Mitchell Dean who is 19 years old and attending college at (NMU) Northern Michigan University, and Michael John who is 17 years old and a junior in high school.

2. What three things contributed most to the break-up of your two previous marriages?

1) Living together before marriage: “A couple who does not live together prior to getting married has a 20 percent chance of being divorced within five years. If the couple has lived together beforehand, that number jumps to 49 percent.” (US Attorney Legal Services)

In both my first two marriages, I lived with my boyfriends before marrying them. This led to us having a mine vs. yours and not an ours-type attitude. Things like having separate bank accounts, bills, etc, sets in motion what the marriage commitment in the physical, mental and emotional realm will look like. It cements as a habit in the mind and heart the idea that the commitment does not have to be permanent nor self-sacrificial and can always be on a trial basis. It does not allow for a full surrender to self-sacrifice in love, but one that says, “If I don’t feel in love any more, if it is too hard for me or not fun enough, I can leave. You are expendable to me.”  The commitment of a marriage says in good times or in bad til death do we part. But if you start out with a trial marriage, you keep thinking on some level that the partners always can leave if it gets too hard.

2) Having premarital sex:  With both of my first two marriages, I also had premarital sex. This clouded my discerning process into whether the other was the right fit for me. My husband Samuel and I call it the “pink sunglass syndrome.” By saying yes with my body, but saying maybe and even perhaps no with my heart and mind, I was sending mixed signals not only to myself but to my partner.

Chastity is an “apprenticeship of self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear:either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy" (CCC 2339). Chastity creates a unity of our mind and body while dating. It allows us to be free from the physical passions and enslavement to them and therefore leaves us free to decide with a clear mind. (CCC 1603, 2338, 2340)

I did not make clear decisions in my previous relationships. Rather, after making love, I felt I had given myself bodily to these men and now needed to fully commit to them regardless if it was a good idea.

3) Not being in my Catholic faith:  In both my first two marriages, we did not go to church at all in most cases. Without being close to my faith, my conscience became dulled to right vs. wrong. Gray areas became wider, and this allowed me to be self-seeking and self-justifying instead of self-giving in love and truth.  Being far from my faith distorted what love truly is and should be and what truth is.

Jesus is Truth and Love -- in fact, He taught us that someone who truly loves would even die a horrible death from torture and would sacrifice His whole life even to death on a cross, even for those who did not return that love. I was very far from understanding that kind of love or practicing it for others because I was not around people who believed that way.  “We become who we hang around with,” I always tell my boys, because I learned this by experience the hard way.

Perhaps I even avoided the Church so that my conscience wouldn't urge me away from the gray areas. The self without guidance from God seeks what it wants for itself. I needed to die to self and live for God. The only way I could do this was by being in and around His Holy Church, the Way that He left for us to become holy.

Marriage is supposed to be the reflection of Jesus’ marriage to His Church. He gave His life for her to make her holy, and for that she respects Him. So it is in and through the Church that our marriages have the best chance to be taught and nurtured and encouraged to reflect that holy union between Jesus and his Bride.

3. What role did your faith play in your healing after divorce?

After divorce, I hit a bottom which God allowed me to find. It was good for me to have all my worldly crutches to be taken from my grasp. Then, I only had recourse to prayer. In calling out to Jesus, I found a friend who had not abandoned me in my worst time. He was faithful though I was not. He loved me though I hadn’t loved him.

When I reached out to Jesus, He started to set my feet on solid ground. I started to learn His Word through bible studies in which I made great friends who supported me and pointed me to retreats where I found answers. Jesus answered my prayers not only for my spiritual needs, but also my physical needs. I started to learn I needed to wait on God for what He knew was best for me, not forcing what I thought I wanted.  Through learning I could trust in God through faith, I started to see He was a great friend who brought me to a peace I had never known. He brought me to a surrendered holiness in the midst of uncertainty, a peace that no man could take from me, a solidity that I could count on. Faith brought me back to His holy sacraments of reconciliation where He restored, affirmed, forgave and loved me.

Faith allowed me to go back and correct many of the mistakes I had made. It led me to physical healing, when I underwent  a tubal ligation reversal. Ultimately, faith has brought me to life…life that comes only through Christ.

Without faith, I went through 2 divorces, bankruptcy, and foreclosure. I lost my career, my status, my self-respect and my respect from others. I was mired in  the confusion and insecurity of the world. With faith, I went through the healing of the annulment process, remarriage, reversal of tubal ligation, reconciliation with God and His Church through the sacraments. I was restored to belief in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, financial stability, ownership of my home, respected  status in my community, and many, many miracles in my life made possible only through faith in Jesus.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Do not live together or have premarital sex, but rather pray for discernment for what God wants for your life.  If you have already had premarital sex, go to confession and abstain, giving God your trust so that you can have clear hearts and minds to hear what God is trying to say. He will show you the right direction for your life.

Actively seek out advice and listen to holy people and to His Holy Church. Stay close to God by going to Church and mass weekly, frequent confession, be holy for your future spouse, giving them the best partner they deserve as a help for them to become holy.

Make it a habit to pray together. As Mother Teresa said, "The family that prays together stays together, and if they stay together they will love one another as God has loved each one of them. And works of love are always works of peace" - and - “Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God's gift of himself.”

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Some is similar to the advice for dating couples, actually. Make a habit to pray together. It may be awkward at first, but as time goes on it will be the mainstay of your marriage. Go to Mass or church weekly. Have good holy friends, but be comfortable spending time with just your spouse. Too much time with friends can be dangerous; a couple needs to learn how to enjoy quality time just being together. Never spend time alone with a friend who is the opposite sex. It may start out innocently, but it sparks jealousy and is not healthy for a marriage.

Try to find a volunteer or charitable activity to do together, and learn how to be joyful while doing it. For example, serving at a soup kitchen can be very rewarding. Make a date night for just the two of you at least once every other week if not weekly - it doesn’t even have to entail spending money - maybe a long bicycle ride or a walk in the neighborhood park or a museum. Actively work on pursuing your spouse so love stays fresh.

Unplug the TV. In fact, my best advice is to not have one at all. Samuel and I did not have one in our marriage and it was a great impetus simply to do things together. It also sets the tone for children when they come. On that note, set a limit to computer, Internet and game-playing time as well, as that can really have a negative effect on a marriage.

Every day, even if it’s a hard day, find something you are thankful for that he or she does for your marriage and tell them you appreciate them for it. Gratitude does wonders for a marriage and for you. Never go to sleep angry, try to at least come to some kind of civil agreement before going to sleep. Listen before speaking, and do not cut off each other in arguments. Do a daily examination of conscience; this will make you face the truth about yourself so that you can be a better spouse.

6. What's your top parenting tip for mothers and fathers going through a divorce?

Do not use children as pawns for your anger. They are the innocent ones, ones you are responsible for before God. Do not speak badly about the other parent, but rather pray for them even if it is hard. Pray for them even with the children in a positive way. The only things you say about the other parent should be positive or constructive.

Ask God to help you forgive, forget and heal for the sake of the family. Make sure you keep taking your children to church, continue to show them they are loved. Children in many divorce cases think it’s their fault; they need to be reassured that they are secure in the love of both parents. Never argue in front of them if possible. Continue to set boundaries and discipline for the children. They don't need gifts motivated by guilt, they need real love and a safe environment which includes old fashioned parenting. There can be a tendency to be too lenient, to become their friend during and after divorce. Children in the middle of a divorce do not need you to be a friend, they need you to be a parent.

Don't Put Each Other on a Pedestal: Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

Christina and Al Weigand live in Pennsylvania where Jesus fills their home with love. They have four children and three grandchildren.  Chris has written three Young Adult Christian Fantasy novels; Palace of the Twelve Pillars: Book One, Palace of the Three Crosses: Book Two and Sanctuary of Nine Dragons: Book Three, as well as Women of the Bible: A Study. Helping children develop a love for reading and writing is her passion.

Chris & Al with their teenage daughter Anastasia

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We will be married thirty-seven years on July 8, 2015. We have four children -- three grown and one teenager.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

First, a commitment to each other and our marriage. When we got married we said that divorce was not an option for us.

Second, a willingness to fight for our marriage, to not give up when things got tough.

Third, a willingness to let each other grow. We are not the same people we were thirty-seven years ago, and at times that has taken a great amount of love, patience and understanding from one or the other of us.

Son Nicholas with his wife Christy

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

Although married in a Catholic church, we were quite young and I don’t think we thought about our faith as playing a part in our marriage.  It was only as we grew and learned that we realized what an integral part our faith held in our marriage. Our marriage has three people in it -- the two of us and God. That needs to be at the forefront of everything that we do. Not saying it always is at the forefront or that it’s easy to do, but God should be a part of everything.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Save yourself for marriage. Don’t let your partner convince you to do things you aren’t ready for. And whether you are male or female respect the other person, don’t abuse their love and trust, don’t put them on a pedestal, because like you they are only human and will invariably fall from the pedestal at some point in your relationship. Be willing to forgive and to ask forgiveness.

Oldest son Scott with his wife Stefanie and youngest daughter Arya

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Pretty much the same as for those dating and considering marriage. Have a lot of patience and understanding. You will be learning  a lot of things about your partner in this stage, and some you may not like. Just remember the reasons you married him/her, the things that made you fall in love. You are embarking on an incredible journey that, if nurtured properly, will grow beyond that first rose-colored phase of falling in love to blossom into a long-lasting love.

6. What's your top parenting tip, or advice for couples who are trying to have children?

Our oldest will be thirty six this year and we don’t feel as if we have this parenting thing down yet. Every phase of a child’s life is so different, and your parenting has to change as they change. So be willing to grow with your child. Don’t become locked into a system, but embrace the fluidity of life and the idea that things will change. And if you have more than one child, acknowledge that each is different and what works with one will not necessarily work with the other.

Hold on tight, but be willing to let go when the time is right. Don’t smother them. Don’t force them to live inside a box of your creation, but let them make their own box. Let them be kids. In today’s world parents strive too much to get their kids grown and living like adults, and then everyone suffers because the kids didn’t have a chance to be just a kid.

Share your faith with them. Let them get to know God.

Most of all, love them. Most days that’s all they want from you.

Daughters Katie & Ana, Daughter-in-law Stefanie, Granddaughters Andi, Lily & Arya
& exchange student Freya Boehm

When Infertility is a Gift: Why NFP?

Liz and Kent Gilges have experienced great joy and great suffering through their six children. Their eldest child, Elie, died at age 10 of an incurable brain tumor, which Kent chronicled in a heartwrenchingly beautiful memoir called A Grace Given.  In this latest installment of Why & How Natural Family Planning Works for Us, Liz and Kent explain how infertility -- which they detected by using NFP  -- can sometimes feel like a great blessing.

1. Why do you use NFP?

We had many reasons to use NFP, and they changed along the way. Although I believe it's what God wants, Kent wasn't Catholic when we got married and he wasn't fond of Natural Family Planning. He called it Natural Family Having.

I always wanted to get married and be a mom. When we got engaged, I started using NFP to track my cycles just as a matter of course, not to avoid or achieve pregnancy. I wanted a big family. But then we reached the point where we had four children under the age of 5 (including a set of twins), and our oldest child Elie was severely mentally and physically handicapped because of her brain tumor. It was a big strain on our marriage. Still, I wanted to have more children.

A priest told me to be grateful for what we had instead of wanting more. So we used NFP to avoid another pregnancy. That worked on my husband's heart to appreciate the kids that we had, and then he wanted more kids. It was a role reversal. We had two more children, and when our littlest was 11 months old, Elie died.

For years after that, we badly wanted another child, because we felt that our family was empty. We were actively trying, but the babies just weren't coming. Seven years after Elie died, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through a mastectomy, chemo, medication. I absolutely was not supposed to get pregnant while on the medication. At that point, I figured that God knew we were open to life, so we were definitely the exception to the rule against artificial contraception.

When I asked a priest what we should do, he didn't suggest artificial contraception, which was kind of shocking to me under the circumstances. Instead, he said to learn a new kind of NFP since the old way wasn't working due to how the medication affected my body. The new way of NFP showed that I wasn't having any cycles at all, the hormone levels just weren't rising or falling. I told my doctor, and even though he resisted the idea since I was only 44, he finally ran a blood test on my hormone levels. The levels were consistent with someone who had been in menopause for 5 years already.

I felt God had answered my prayers by giving me the gift of being infertile so I didn't have to worry about my health, the intimate part of our marriage, or about following God's will by remaining open to life. It was a win-win-win situation.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

In the beginning of our marriage, we used the symptothermal method because I was very regular. It really fit my lifestyle -- take my basal body temperature once in the morning, and done. But after the cancer, I wasn't cycling at all. My temperature was always low because of the drug, and in the symptothermal method that's an indication that you're fertile, so we couldn't have relations.

So we switched to the Creighton method, which tracks mainly cervical mucus, and the method itself was nearly unbearable for me. It required constant checking, always paying attention, and we had to pay for lessons with a Nurse Practitioner. Not everyone can do that. I thought God was asking too much. But it was the Creighton indicators that revealed my infertility and convinced my doctor to confirm it with a blood test.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

Pros: The biggest pro is that God really knows better. He's the best planner. I had two miscarriages after our eldest daughter Elie was born, but she got so sick so young. She needed me. We also wanted another child very much after Elie died, but we actually needed time to grieve and the cancer was coming.

Using NFP to avoid pregnancy after the twins were born helped Kent to appreciate the good in our kids and to want more. The first babies were my choice but then later he really had a desire for us to have more children.

Cons: The culture tells us we can do whatever, whenever, and it's very countercultural to act with self-control and self-discipline. We're not one of those couples who say NFP's been great for our marriage and we love it! It's been challenging. It takes sacrifices, especially for the man.

But when you're sick with breast cancer and lying in bed for 6 months, you also abstain. At that point in our lives, abstaining wasn't something completely foreign to us. So NFP taught us how to sacrifice early on.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

We live in the Diocese of Rochester, and there's two teachers for the Creighton method and two teaching couples from the Couple-to-Couple League. The new bishop is wonderful, and we hope he will put even more NFP resources in place. [Editor's Note: The diocesan web site also provides links to two short YouTube video testimonials on NFP, as well as downloadable brochures and bulletin inserts.]

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

We love the newsletter from the Couple-to-Couple League. Also, we used a very old book called The Joy in Sexuality and Fertility Control. We used it for more than 20 years.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

I can't imagine it would have been better. I don't know if my husband would have been as wonderful as he was accepting all the changes in my body and sacrifices in our intimate life that came with the cancer.  I think it would have made it much more difficult. 

Restraints or Self-Restraint?: 50 Shades of Grey vs. Old Fashioned

Read my review of the movie Old Fashioned on Catholic Match Institute -- what a healthy and healing relationship actually looks like!

Publicity about 50 Shades of Grey is saturating the media. Promos and boycotts are battling their way to the Valentine's Day finish line. For anyone who believes that 50 Shades of Grey is sensationalized trash, there's an alternative view of love and romance to share. The well-acted, sometimes gritty independent film Old Fashioned with its message of healing and second chances will also be released in theaters on Valentine's Day. Don't just boycott 50 Shades of Grey, beat it at the box office.

Read below for excerpts of my review of Old Fashioned on Catholic Match Institute or click through for the entire article.

If you’re looking for a good date movie to see on Valentine's Day weekend, there is an alternative to bondage tutorial 50 Shades of Grey. The movie Old Fashioned, also to be released on Valentine’s Day, shows how a man with self-restraint has a far more powerful allure than a man who likes putting his girlfriends in restraints.

Even fiction can teach us truth, and even fantasies can be healthy -- or not. Why would someone want to settle for a titillating untruth like the dysfunctional relationship in 50 Shades of Grey? Bondage, while a turnoff to some and a temptation to others, has never been hailed as a healthy basis for life-long love.

The healthiest basis for life-long love is self-control, and the best place to practice it is while dating. The movie Old Fashioned shows how attractive a man can be when he controls his darkest impulses for the sake of a higher good.

Read the full review here. 

Love is Patient, Love is Kind, Love is Old Fashioned

I'm so excited to be partnering up with the producers of a great new movie about love, marriage, courtship, and deep emotional healing. The movie Old Fashioned will be released on Valentine's Day, going up against 50 Shades of Grey, which unfortunately promises to be a behemoth at the box office. Old Fashioned features a slow-talking Southern fraternity boy trying to make up for his misspent college years and a girl who talks like a free spirit but is really lost and aching inside. Their courtship, although mocked by almost everyone around them, eventually makes them whole again. Other partners committed to spreading the word about this movie, which actually models a healthy relationship (imagine that!), include the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops For Your Marriage initiative, Theology of the Body Evangelization Team (TOBET), and CatholicMom.com. The movie's endorsers read like a Who's Who list of Catholic personalities, including Sr. Helena Burns, Fr. Mike Schmitz, Teresa Tomeo, Matt Fradd, Donna-Marie Cooper O'Boyle, Lisa Hendey, Sarah Reinhard, and Patrick Novecosky. Old Fashioned is also endorsed by the co-host of the 700 Club and folks from BethanyHamilton.com (remember Soul Surfer? my daughters sure do). It's thrilling to be one of their number. If this movie is playing in your area, please, please go to see it opening week. And take your teen-age kids, if you have them. You won't regret it.                  *                      *                      *                        *                       *

Old Fashioned Opens In Theaters Valentine’s Day Weekend! Question: When did God’s plan for romance and marriage become … OLD FASHIONED? With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, plan now to celebrate with a movie that highlights a God-honoring relationship! OLD FASHIONED is a relevant, powerful story that presents a clear and entertaining vision of what love and respect can be right here, right now—and that is something our world desperately needs. Find a theater and buy your tickets for Valentine’s Day weekend, February 13-15. You (and your beloved) will be glad you did! An Old Fashioned Story Everyone Will Love! OLD FASHIONED is a faith-based love story about Clay, a reformed frat boy whose relationship with Christ impacts the way he looks at life and relationships; and Amber, a free-spirited woman who has felt the pain of dating relationships. Together, they attempt the impossible: an old-fashioned courtship in contemporary America! OLD FASHIONED inspires a genuine hunger for godly romance. Be sure to check out OldFashionedMovie.com to learn more about the movie and to locate a theater near you where the film will be playing. Talk about the perfect Valentine’s weekend movie!

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Learning How to Be Second Place: 10 & Then

Elizabeth and John, parents of three boys, just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and are still going strong! Elizabeth is a blogger, a Pastoral Studies graduate student at Loyola University Chicago, and an avid church volunteer. John, a former Army helicopter pilot who was deployed in Iraq, made it home safely and now works for the MA Environmental Police in Boston. Elizabeth and John especially love their shared ministry as Eucharistic ministers to the two nursing homes in their area. Find out why "more than comfortable with coming in second, it is in fact one of the things we love most about each other." You can follow Elizabeth at her blog, theologyisaverb.com, or on Facebook, Twitter,  Google+  and Pinterest.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married 20 years this past May, and have three boys ages 18, 15 and 9. As friends during our undergraduate years, we were unexpectedly amazed to find each other so early in our lives. That day, I married my best friend and quite honestly I cannot imagine these years without his constant friendship, love, and strength.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

At the top of this list has to be a strong faith life in prayer. In addition to attending mass we began by praying together at the close of each day. As we had children, this became a family prayer time where each of us lifts up our intentions and one another in prayer. Yet, over the years we find that we also join together to pray throughout the day. It could simply be a text, or the invitation to say a decade or two of the rosary together. “Where two or more are gathered in my name” truly has special significance in our lives.

Secondly, we have found it vital to support one another through life’s challenges as well as to fully celebrate life’s gifts.  In those moments when I’ve been given an overly demanding day, or sleep and serenity elude me, I know he’s there to listen and lend a hand. Conversely, when one of us has good news we appreciate that we have been called to joyfully share in it.  I’d venture to say that we are each other’s biggest fan!

Finally, communication is not just important but essential to both of us. This goes past daily pleasantries - so often requiring persistence, patience and desire.  Whether big or small, we always try to include one another in the decision making process. Even when we disagree, we strive to never go to sleep angry. 

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

From the beginning, marriage has been for us a lifetime commitment to a shared journey of intimate friendship. And while there are twists, turns, and speed bumps on this path, there are no viable exits. There is, however, a Guide who knows the terrain, holds the map, provides rest and sees the big picture. Faith for us requires trust- not only in each other but in God to see us though the difficult times. 

The year my youngest was born, I had lost my grandmother and later my mom to cancer. My husband, then an Army helicopter pilot, was shortly thereafter sent orders to be deployed to Iraq for an indefinite time. Through the many tears I found God right beside me, and peace came in trusting Him through the chaos. Not to be disappointed, God brought John home safely and much sooner than expected.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Spend time to really get to know the person you love. While it’s not necessary to spend as great an amount of time as we did, really examine if you are compatible. It’s important to seriously consider if you can truly live with one another’s flaws. Jokingly, today my husband says that we can truthfully say that we successfully survived a 2 year interview process during our engagement!

 5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Love God and put God first in your marriage. Following the greatest commandment to, “Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Mt 22:37). Yet, what does this really look like? Simply put, it means making space and time to talk to and spend time with God in your everyday- seeking Him in all that you do. If you can do this, you increasingly realize that you are capable of expressing even more love in all your other relationships. More than comfortable with coming in second, it is in fact one of the things we love most about each other.

6. What's your top parenting tip, or advice for couples who are trying to have children?

Elizabeth: For me, it’s patience and forgiveness.  Highly desired and but sometimes lacking, patience I believe is needed both in conceiving and raising children. I have come to recognize over the years that God’s timing is not necessarily my own. Hand in hand with forgiveness, patience is what God shows me as time and time again I slip and he gently picks me up.

John:  My advice for parenting is consistency. Consistently loving, but taking a steadfast and predictable course. Our children can faithfully depend on the fact that each decision has been carefully weighed, and made in their best interest. It is being able to say no when their eyes plead yes, because you want so much more for them. This is indeed a gift that they will value later in life!

Chastity and Love: Please Don't Let Them Be Misunderstood

Chastity and love are two of the most misunderstood concepts in our culture today. In her new book Chastity Is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, Arleen Spenceley does a masterful job clearing up the confusion. About chastity and how it differs from abstinence, she says:

Chastity neither pretends sexuality doesn't exist nor treats it as if it is the only significant part of a person. ... Chastity infuses sex with love, and love with sacrifice. Abstinence doesn't. Chastity never trivializes sex, and it refuses to use or objectify people, It says we can have what we want when what we want is good for us and it equips us to discern whether it is.

This explanation of chastity shows how our sexuality fits into our lives. Sex outside the protective embrace of marriage is not good for us. That's why the Church, in its wisdom, counsels against pre-marital and extra-marital sex. Sex inside marriage, when there is a grave reason to avoid pregnancy, might not be good for us either. That's why the Church supports periodic abstinence, or Natural Family Planning, if a married couple seriously cannot handle a child (or another child) in their relationship. Deciding whether to get married or whether to get pregnant both require discernment.

About love, Arleen says:

I wanted to get married because married people get to love. And married people do get to love. But they don't have a monopoly on love. What I hadn't grasped yet was that love takes multiple forms, and all of them require sacrifice.  

Love is not about what you get (or what you get to do between the sheets). Love is about what you give and how you give it. Single virgins don't get to have sex, but they also don't have babies wanting milk from them every two to four hours day and night. It's all a balance. The culture tells us that love means having sex, but sex doesn't mean having babies. Arleen explains that single people love in lots of ways that don't include sex, and married people (in most cases) share love through having sex and having babies. Both single and married people can achieve happiness through loving and being loved.

I do disagree, however, with some advice Arleen gives on chaste dating. She insists that chaste daters need to keep the bar high, particularly with respect to virtue. She's no longer willing "to date guys who aren't 'it,' in hopes that they would grow on me." But what she discounts is that a person might grow in virtue precisely because she demanded more of him and showed him a better way -- a way to love, a way to faith, a way to God.

God's love says we can do better and be better. But it's the love of a good person that gives us a tangible reason to try. When I met my husband-to-be Manny, I didn't exactly believe in chaste dating. When he told me that all he wanted was to hold hands, I felt he had rejected me so deeply that a crack fissured right through my heart. But what really broke was my hardness of heart, my misconception that my sexuality and my sexiness was my deepest value, my badly mistaken assumption that if he didn't want sex, then he didn't want me. He did want me, but he wanted all of me, healed by his love, healed by God's love, forever.

So should chaste daters demand chastity from those they date? Sure. But chaste daters can teach chastity as well. God chooses the one who is "it" for us, even if they have to grow a bit to get there.

My thanks to Arleen and Ave Maria Press for the free review copy.

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If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• Daring to Wear White (Pre-Cana Post)
• Chaste Sex: Not What You Think It Is 
• Letting Your Past Catch Up to You (Pre-Cana Post)