Don't Pretend to Be Someone You're Not: Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

This month's contributors to How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some are Dan and Connie Rossini. The Rossinis live in New Ulm, Minnesota, where Dan manages the diocesan staff. They homeschool their four boys, who are 12 and under. Connie is the author of Trusting God with St. Therese, the free ebook Five Lessons from the Carmelite Saints That Will Change Your Life, and A Spiritual Growth Plan for Your Choleric Child (release date May 15, 2015). Dan and Connie have been married fourteen years and are each others' best friends.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married 14 years and have four sons.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

-Authenticity. When we were dating, we both made an effort to be real, not put on a show. This helped us to know (more or less) what we were getting ahead of time.

-Humility. Though neither of us would describe ourselves as humble, we do both acknowledge that we make a lot of mistakes. That helps us to be more understanding of each other's mistakes and more forgiving.

-Putting God first. Although we have a long way to go, we try to put God and His will above everything else. That means we often have to let go of our preferences, our sleep, and our favorite pastimes for the benefit of the family.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

We met on Single Catholics Online, so it's been a relationship based on faith from the start. At the time, Dan was working on a doctorate in Thomistic philosophy and Connie was writing a newsletter of Catholic apologetics. On our first date, Dan brought his breviary so we could pray Evening Prayer together. He started working for the Church fulltime two years into our marriage. Connie started writing about spirituality soon afterwards. In fact, Dan's first job with the Church was editor of the diocesan newspaper, and he asked Connie to submit a column. He didn't pay her anything, but she tries not to hold that against him!

Anyway, following the pattern of that first date, we have made a daily habit of praying Evening Prayer together, as well as the Rosary. We remind each other to take time for mental prayer. We often talk about the faith and the spiritual life. We both pray for each other and our children regularly. We make instructing them in the faith a priority.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Be real with each other. Pretending to be someone you are not will only cause problems later. Commit to growing in your own faith, and as you make commitments to each other, make God the foundation of your relationship. Resist the culture of death and all its temptations--meaning temptations towards sexual activity outside of marriage. Save intimacy for the one you commit to lay down your life for in marriage. Let your gift of yourself to your spouse be total and exclusive.

 5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

It's often hard to make sacrifices for one's spouse or children, but we have to always think about what is best for the other person and the family as a whole, not just what satisfies us personally at the moment. This doesn't mean you should let the other person trample on your dignity or make all the decisions. True love is the best of friendships. You each give up some things to help the other. Try to think about what you can do for the other person, rather than what he or she can do for you. You will both have to bend a lot in order to make your marriage work. If you do this, both spouses will have their needs met. This is the beauty of love.

Also, when you make mistakes, give yourself a break. We are all human. Give your spouse a break when he or she makes mistakes. Don't expect perfection of yourself or your spouse this side of Heaven.

6. What's your top parenting tip, or advice for couples who are trying to have children?

Our top parenting tip is to learn about the four classic temperaments and how each operates. This has really helped us tailor our parenting to each child, rather than expecting them all to fit one mold. And, yes, this is both a sincere answer and a plug for Connie's new book series on the subject. ;)

But even more basically than that, teach your children to pray! We believe strongly that we should teach our children not just vocal, recited prayers like the Guardian Angel Prayer, but how to begin praying to God from the heart. You can't teach this if you don't practice it yourself.

How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some, Third Time Around: Divorce & Remarriage Edition

After two failed marriages, Marie Therese Kceif found love again with her husband Samuel and faith again through the Catholic Church. A successful automotive plant manager and Army pilot who served combat time in Somalia, Marie nonetheless suffered through physical and emotional abuse, bankruptcy, and heart-wrenching divorces. She tells her poignant story in Eve's Apple, which I'll be reviewing next week (FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT ON THIS BLOGPOST WINS A FREE E-COPY)! Marie has now been happily married to her husband Samuel for 11 years.  They live in Michigan where Marie spends time writing, speaking, leading Bible studies, lectoring, teaching RCIA, gardening, sailing, hiking and bicycling.

1. How many years were you married and how many kids do you have?

I have been married 11 years to Samuel, my current husband. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage: Mitchell Dean who is 19 years old and attending college at (NMU) Northern Michigan University, and Michael John who is 17 years old and a junior in high school.

2. What three things contributed most to the break-up of your two previous marriages?

1) Living together before marriage: “A couple who does not live together prior to getting married has a 20 percent chance of being divorced within five years. If the couple has lived together beforehand, that number jumps to 49 percent.” (US Attorney Legal Services)

In both my first two marriages, I lived with my boyfriends before marrying them. This led to us having a mine vs. yours and not an ours-type attitude. Things like having separate bank accounts, bills, etc, sets in motion what the marriage commitment in the physical, mental and emotional realm will look like. It cements as a habit in the mind and heart the idea that the commitment does not have to be permanent nor self-sacrificial and can always be on a trial basis. It does not allow for a full surrender to self-sacrifice in love, but one that says, “If I don’t feel in love any more, if it is too hard for me or not fun enough, I can leave. You are expendable to me.”  The commitment of a marriage says in good times or in bad til death do we part. But if you start out with a trial marriage, you keep thinking on some level that the partners always can leave if it gets too hard.

2) Having premarital sex:  With both of my first two marriages, I also had premarital sex. This clouded my discerning process into whether the other was the right fit for me. My husband Samuel and I call it the “pink sunglass syndrome.” By saying yes with my body, but saying maybe and even perhaps no with my heart and mind, I was sending mixed signals not only to myself but to my partner.

Chastity is an “apprenticeship of self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear:either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy" (CCC 2339). Chastity creates a unity of our mind and body while dating. It allows us to be free from the physical passions and enslavement to them and therefore leaves us free to decide with a clear mind. (CCC 1603, 2338, 2340)

I did not make clear decisions in my previous relationships. Rather, after making love, I felt I had given myself bodily to these men and now needed to fully commit to them regardless if it was a good idea.

3) Not being in my Catholic faith:  In both my first two marriages, we did not go to church at all in most cases. Without being close to my faith, my conscience became dulled to right vs. wrong. Gray areas became wider, and this allowed me to be self-seeking and self-justifying instead of self-giving in love and truth.  Being far from my faith distorted what love truly is and should be and what truth is.

Jesus is Truth and Love -- in fact, He taught us that someone who truly loves would even die a horrible death from torture and would sacrifice His whole life even to death on a cross, even for those who did not return that love. I was very far from understanding that kind of love or practicing it for others because I was not around people who believed that way.  “We become who we hang around with,” I always tell my boys, because I learned this by experience the hard way.

Perhaps I even avoided the Church so that my conscience wouldn't urge me away from the gray areas. The self without guidance from God seeks what it wants for itself. I needed to die to self and live for God. The only way I could do this was by being in and around His Holy Church, the Way that He left for us to become holy.

Marriage is supposed to be the reflection of Jesus’ marriage to His Church. He gave His life for her to make her holy, and for that she respects Him. So it is in and through the Church that our marriages have the best chance to be taught and nurtured and encouraged to reflect that holy union between Jesus and his Bride.

3. What role did your faith play in your healing after divorce?

After divorce, I hit a bottom which God allowed me to find. It was good for me to have all my worldly crutches to be taken from my grasp. Then, I only had recourse to prayer. In calling out to Jesus, I found a friend who had not abandoned me in my worst time. He was faithful though I was not. He loved me though I hadn’t loved him.

When I reached out to Jesus, He started to set my feet on solid ground. I started to learn His Word through bible studies in which I made great friends who supported me and pointed me to retreats where I found answers. Jesus answered my prayers not only for my spiritual needs, but also my physical needs. I started to learn I needed to wait on God for what He knew was best for me, not forcing what I thought I wanted.  Through learning I could trust in God through faith, I started to see He was a great friend who brought me to a peace I had never known. He brought me to a surrendered holiness in the midst of uncertainty, a peace that no man could take from me, a solidity that I could count on. Faith brought me back to His holy sacraments of reconciliation where He restored, affirmed, forgave and loved me.

Faith allowed me to go back and correct many of the mistakes I had made. It led me to physical healing, when I underwent  a tubal ligation reversal. Ultimately, faith has brought me to life…life that comes only through Christ.

Without faith, I went through 2 divorces, bankruptcy, and foreclosure. I lost my career, my status, my self-respect and my respect from others. I was mired in  the confusion and insecurity of the world. With faith, I went through the healing of the annulment process, remarriage, reversal of tubal ligation, reconciliation with God and His Church through the sacraments. I was restored to belief in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, financial stability, ownership of my home, respected  status in my community, and many, many miracles in my life made possible only through faith in Jesus.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Do not live together or have premarital sex, but rather pray for discernment for what God wants for your life.  If you have already had premarital sex, go to confession and abstain, giving God your trust so that you can have clear hearts and minds to hear what God is trying to say. He will show you the right direction for your life.

Actively seek out advice and listen to holy people and to His Holy Church. Stay close to God by going to Church and mass weekly, frequent confession, be holy for your future spouse, giving them the best partner they deserve as a help for them to become holy.

Make it a habit to pray together. As Mother Teresa said, "The family that prays together stays together, and if they stay together they will love one another as God has loved each one of them. And works of love are always works of peace" - and - “Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God's gift of himself.”

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Some is similar to the advice for dating couples, actually. Make a habit to pray together. It may be awkward at first, but as time goes on it will be the mainstay of your marriage. Go to Mass or church weekly. Have good holy friends, but be comfortable spending time with just your spouse. Too much time with friends can be dangerous; a couple needs to learn how to enjoy quality time just being together. Never spend time alone with a friend who is the opposite sex. It may start out innocently, but it sparks jealousy and is not healthy for a marriage.

Try to find a volunteer or charitable activity to do together, and learn how to be joyful while doing it. For example, serving at a soup kitchen can be very rewarding. Make a date night for just the two of you at least once every other week if not weekly - it doesn’t even have to entail spending money - maybe a long bicycle ride or a walk in the neighborhood park or a museum. Actively work on pursuing your spouse so love stays fresh.

Unplug the TV. In fact, my best advice is to not have one at all. Samuel and I did not have one in our marriage and it was a great impetus simply to do things together. It also sets the tone for children when they come. On that note, set a limit to computer, Internet and game-playing time as well, as that can really have a negative effect on a marriage.

Every day, even if it’s a hard day, find something you are thankful for that he or she does for your marriage and tell them you appreciate them for it. Gratitude does wonders for a marriage and for you. Never go to sleep angry, try to at least come to some kind of civil agreement before going to sleep. Listen before speaking, and do not cut off each other in arguments. Do a daily examination of conscience; this will make you face the truth about yourself so that you can be a better spouse.

6. What's your top parenting tip for mothers and fathers going through a divorce?

Do not use children as pawns for your anger. They are the innocent ones, ones you are responsible for before God. Do not speak badly about the other parent, but rather pray for them even if it is hard. Pray for them even with the children in a positive way. The only things you say about the other parent should be positive or constructive.

Ask God to help you forgive, forget and heal for the sake of the family. Make sure you keep taking your children to church, continue to show them they are loved. Children in many divorce cases think it’s their fault; they need to be reassured that they are secure in the love of both parents. Never argue in front of them if possible. Continue to set boundaries and discipline for the children. They don't need gifts motivated by guilt, they need real love and a safe environment which includes old fashioned parenting. There can be a tendency to be too lenient, to become their friend during and after divorce. Children in the middle of a divorce do not need you to be a friend, they need you to be a parent.

Don't Put Each Other on a Pedestal: Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

Christina and Al Weigand live in Pennsylvania where Jesus fills their home with love. They have four children and three grandchildren.  Chris has written three Young Adult Christian Fantasy novels; Palace of the Twelve Pillars: Book One, Palace of the Three Crosses: Book Two and Sanctuary of Nine Dragons: Book Three, as well as Women of the Bible: A Study. Helping children develop a love for reading and writing is her passion.

Chris & Al with their teenage daughter Anastasia

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We will be married thirty-seven years on July 8, 2015. We have four children -- three grown and one teenager.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

First, a commitment to each other and our marriage. When we got married we said that divorce was not an option for us.

Second, a willingness to fight for our marriage, to not give up when things got tough.

Third, a willingness to let each other grow. We are not the same people we were thirty-seven years ago, and at times that has taken a great amount of love, patience and understanding from one or the other of us.

Son Nicholas with his wife Christy

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

Although married in a Catholic church, we were quite young and I don’t think we thought about our faith as playing a part in our marriage.  It was only as we grew and learned that we realized what an integral part our faith held in our marriage. Our marriage has three people in it -- the two of us and God. That needs to be at the forefront of everything that we do. Not saying it always is at the forefront or that it’s easy to do, but God should be a part of everything.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Save yourself for marriage. Don’t let your partner convince you to do things you aren’t ready for. And whether you are male or female respect the other person, don’t abuse their love and trust, don’t put them on a pedestal, because like you they are only human and will invariably fall from the pedestal at some point in your relationship. Be willing to forgive and to ask forgiveness.

Oldest son Scott with his wife Stefanie and youngest daughter Arya

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Pretty much the same as for those dating and considering marriage. Have a lot of patience and understanding. You will be learning  a lot of things about your partner in this stage, and some you may not like. Just remember the reasons you married him/her, the things that made you fall in love. You are embarking on an incredible journey that, if nurtured properly, will grow beyond that first rose-colored phase of falling in love to blossom into a long-lasting love.

6. What's your top parenting tip, or advice for couples who are trying to have children?

Our oldest will be thirty six this year and we don’t feel as if we have this parenting thing down yet. Every phase of a child’s life is so different, and your parenting has to change as they change. So be willing to grow with your child. Don’t become locked into a system, but embrace the fluidity of life and the idea that things will change. And if you have more than one child, acknowledge that each is different and what works with one will not necessarily work with the other.

Hold on tight, but be willing to let go when the time is right. Don’t smother them. Don’t force them to live inside a box of your creation, but let them make their own box. Let them be kids. In today’s world parents strive too much to get their kids grown and living like adults, and then everyone suffers because the kids didn’t have a chance to be just a kid.

Share your faith with them. Let them get to know God.

Most of all, love them. Most days that’s all they want from you.

Daughters Katie & Ana, Daughter-in-law Stefanie, Granddaughters Andi, Lily & Arya
& exchange student Freya Boehm

Learning How to Be Second Place: 10 & Then

Elizabeth and John, parents of three boys, just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and are still going strong! Elizabeth is a blogger, a Pastoral Studies graduate student at Loyola University Chicago, and an avid church volunteer. John, a former Army helicopter pilot who was deployed in Iraq, made it home safely and now works for the MA Environmental Police in Boston. Elizabeth and John especially love their shared ministry as Eucharistic ministers to the two nursing homes in their area. Find out why "more than comfortable with coming in second, it is in fact one of the things we love most about each other." You can follow Elizabeth at her blog, theologyisaverb.com, or on Facebook, Twitter,  Google+  and Pinterest.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married 20 years this past May, and have three boys ages 18, 15 and 9. As friends during our undergraduate years, we were unexpectedly amazed to find each other so early in our lives. That day, I married my best friend and quite honestly I cannot imagine these years without his constant friendship, love, and strength.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

At the top of this list has to be a strong faith life in prayer. In addition to attending mass we began by praying together at the close of each day. As we had children, this became a family prayer time where each of us lifts up our intentions and one another in prayer. Yet, over the years we find that we also join together to pray throughout the day. It could simply be a text, or the invitation to say a decade or two of the rosary together. “Where two or more are gathered in my name” truly has special significance in our lives.

Secondly, we have found it vital to support one another through life’s challenges as well as to fully celebrate life’s gifts.  In those moments when I’ve been given an overly demanding day, or sleep and serenity elude me, I know he’s there to listen and lend a hand. Conversely, when one of us has good news we appreciate that we have been called to joyfully share in it.  I’d venture to say that we are each other’s biggest fan!

Finally, communication is not just important but essential to both of us. This goes past daily pleasantries - so often requiring persistence, patience and desire.  Whether big or small, we always try to include one another in the decision making process. Even when we disagree, we strive to never go to sleep angry. 

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

From the beginning, marriage has been for us a lifetime commitment to a shared journey of intimate friendship. And while there are twists, turns, and speed bumps on this path, there are no viable exits. There is, however, a Guide who knows the terrain, holds the map, provides rest and sees the big picture. Faith for us requires trust- not only in each other but in God to see us though the difficult times. 

The year my youngest was born, I had lost my grandmother and later my mom to cancer. My husband, then an Army helicopter pilot, was shortly thereafter sent orders to be deployed to Iraq for an indefinite time. Through the many tears I found God right beside me, and peace came in trusting Him through the chaos. Not to be disappointed, God brought John home safely and much sooner than expected.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Spend time to really get to know the person you love. While it’s not necessary to spend as great an amount of time as we did, really examine if you are compatible. It’s important to seriously consider if you can truly live with one another’s flaws. Jokingly, today my husband says that we can truthfully say that we successfully survived a 2 year interview process during our engagement!

 5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Love God and put God first in your marriage. Following the greatest commandment to, “Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Mt 22:37). Yet, what does this really look like? Simply put, it means making space and time to talk to and spend time with God in your everyday- seeking Him in all that you do. If you can do this, you increasingly realize that you are capable of expressing even more love in all your other relationships. More than comfortable with coming in second, it is in fact one of the things we love most about each other.

6. What's your top parenting tip, or advice for couples who are trying to have children?

Elizabeth: For me, it’s patience and forgiveness.  Highly desired and but sometimes lacking, patience I believe is needed both in conceiving and raising children. I have come to recognize over the years that God’s timing is not necessarily my own. Hand in hand with forgiveness, patience is what God shows me as time and time again I slip and he gently picks me up.

John:  My advice for parenting is consistency. Consistently loving, but taking a steadfast and predictable course. Our children can faithfully depend on the fact that each decision has been carefully weighed, and made in their best interest. It is being able to say no when their eyes plead yes, because you want so much more for them. This is indeed a gift that they will value later in life!

Good Kissin' Don't Last, Good Cookin' Do: 10 Years & Then Some

Welcome to Debbie and Anthony Gaudino, who tell us that self-sacrifice -- whether it 's offering to feed the baby in the middle of the night or cook up a big, bubbling pot of marinara sauce -- is "much more attractive and sustaining than romance." Debbie is a homeschooling mom of two, a theology graduate student at Franciscan University of Steubenville, and a speaker at women’s retreats, Adult Faith Formation programs, and Life in the Spirit seminars. Anthony works as a Business Manager for a local Catholic parish, loves to tinker with graphics and website development, and is the fearless principal of their homeschool! Debbie can be reached at her blog, Saints 365: Striving for the heights of holiness in the trenches of everyday life, or on Facebook, Twitter,  Google+   and  Pinterest .

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married 18 years and have two children - a 12-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter. I have a combination of envy, panic and gratitude when I look at pictures from our wedding day. Envy at the young couple whose future lay ahead of them, stretching out like a beautiful undiscovered road - a road ripe with possibilities. Panic-stricken at the thought of why anyone would allow two young, naïve, unprepared people embark on a life-long adventure of marriage and parenthood. And, finally, grateful for the many blessings, and even for the struggles that we have experienced together in this beautiful sacrament.

2. Name three things that have helped you stay married this long.

First and above all, the grace of God has sustained our marriage. Although we were married at a Nuptial Mass, both of us were far away from the Lord and our faith at the time of our wedding. It wasn't until we were married 3 years that we both experienced a major conversion experience on a trip to Rome in the Jubilee Year 2000. From that day forward we surrendered our lives and our marriage to the Lordship of Jesus. We both know it was the grace of God that led us to experience conversion together, and it has been that grace that has sustained us through difficulties such as the loss of my father-in-law to cancer, my own post-partum depression and my husband's job loss.

Second, a bedrock sense of commitment has been essential to sustaining our marriage. We both are committed to the wedding vows we made and that commitment has been extremely reassuring when we have struggled through difficult times. Both of us grew up with parents who took their marriage vows seriously and their example of fidelity to each other during all the ups and downs of life has been a great witness to us as to how married life is lived out in the trenches of every day life (my in-laws were married 51 years when my father-in-law passed away and my own parents are married for 48 years at present).

Third, the ability to know what says "I love you" the most to the other person is another key to helping us stay married this long. For example, I know that my husband experiences love when I cook for him - if he comes home after a long day at work to a home-cooked meal, or wakes up on a Sunday morning to a pot of marinara sauce simmering on the stove, he is a happy man indeed. For me, I experience love when my husband cleans the bathrooms (a job I detest) or takes the kids out all day Saturday for me to get a break and some schoolwork done. Knowing what makes each other tick and trying to show our love in those ways has been invaluable.  I would love to say that on our Wedding day we instantly knew these things, but that is not true - getting to know each other has been an evolving process and one that I expect will continue to grow and change as time goes on. The key is to communicate and stay in touch with what the other person really needs.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

After experiencing our conversion together, our faith became the centerpiece of our lives. We strive to live out our faith in our marriage and in the raising of our children, through active participation in the life of our parish and diocese. Our marriage has been nourished through participating in the sacraments, attending women's, men's and marriage retreats, serving the parish in various ministries both together and individually, and our own individual prayer lives. As our children grow, we try and involve them as much as we can in serving the church, and our family has been greatly blessed by the friendship and example of other Catholic families as well as priests who are striving for lives of holiness.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

One of the biggest regrets we have as a married couple is that we were not walking with the Lord at the time of our marriage. We feel extremely grateful that the Lord drew both of us to himself at the same time, but we deeply wish that we had entered into the Sacrament of Marriage in a pure and prepared manner. I would urge couples who are dating or preparing for marriage to do so in a prayerful way - by praying together, by seeking Spiritual Direction, by frequenting the sacraments, especially the Eucharist and Confession and by actively seeking as role models other faithful Catholic couples.

 5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Self-sacrifice is so much more attractive and sustaining than romance. While I loved the long-romantic candle-lit evenings my husband and I enjoyed as newleyweds, they pale in comparison to all the times my husband took late-night feedings, nursed me when I was sick, reassured me when I was anxious and listened and supported me in my dreams and hopes for the future. An act of sacrificial love is one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse - give them often and without counting the cost.

6. What advice would you give to parents or couples who are trying to have children?

Start praying and don't stop. My husband and I struggled to conceive our first child. After nine months of trying to get pregnant, I poured out my heart to our parish priest one day about our struggles.  He point-blank asked me if we had prayed together and asked the Lord for a child. I said no - it had not even occurred to us to do so, and more than that, I had fallen into the trap of "Blessed are those who ask for nothing for they shall not be disappointed." When I returned home that day,my husband and I held hands and asked the Lord for the blessing of a baby.  Three weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

We learned a very valuable lesson that day - prayer is an essential component of parenthood. There is so much to being a parent that is out of your control as an individual or a couple. Learning to entrust your children and your own role as a parent into the Lord's hands is the only way to experience the "peace that passes all understanding" in the challenging, often-times tumultuous ride of parenthood.

Laughing, Loving, and Crying Through 36 Years of Marriage: 10 Years & Then Some

Today we welcome Michael and Melanie Jean Juneau to the series How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some. Michael and Melanie live on a small family farm in Canada, where they raised their nine kids. I know Melanie from her excellent work at the Association of Catholic Women Bloggers and through her prolific writing. Today Michael and Melanie explain how suffering doesn't have to crush a marriage, instead it can lead to great joy!

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married for 36 years, and we are still in love. Surprisingly, we really have become one, deeply in tune with each other’s spirits. Our tangible joy is inexplicable through secular eyes because from all outward appearances our life together has been a tough journey including poverty, nine kids, overwhelming chores on a small family farm and clinical depression.

One priest gently consoled us by explaining we have lived through “trials by fire.” Another friend, not given to dramatics, once pointed out to my adult children,“You do not realize it, but your parents have suffered deeply.” I have a running joke on the typical marriage vow about for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I say, "Well, we’ve seen worse, poorer and sickness and we are more than ready for better, richer and health.” Then I dissolve into gales of laughter.

2. Name 3 things that have helped you to stay married this long.

The first key we discovered was found by accessing the power in the Sacrament of Marriage. The grace available in the Sacrament of Marriage is not some esoteric theology -- no, it is real and it is powerful. The power available in the sacrament is what kept us together through the rough years. And we both understood, beyond a doubt, that God had brought us together. We never questioned this basic call from God, our vocation together, even during the dark years.

My second key is a wicked sense of humor. When we could laugh at our foibles and not take ourselves too seriously, problems suddenly shrank and we gained perspective once again. Over-dramatizing conflict is deadly. This is simply a bit of cognitive therapy, taking a step away from each conflict and looking at the big picture, through the eyes of God.

Surprisingly, my third key to the longevity of out marriage is suffering. Suffering was a gift that unified us because it stripped away false pride and forced us to our knees in prayer.  Honest prayer led both of us to self- knowledge, humility and compassion for  each other. When I asked a priest what my life would have been like if I had not suffered, if I had married a well-off dentist, had 1.25 kids and lived in an efficient, modern house, he put on a phony, pious face, put his hands together in prayer, and said in a high, mocking voice, ”Oh, you would be a nice Christian lady, praising the Lord.” What he meant by that amusing bit of acting was I would be shallow, without depth and strength. Well, when I see the results of a bit of suffering in our marriage, I say bring it on!

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

The only reason we got married and stayed married is our faith. We are a brother and a sister in Christ, fellow children of God who seek His will together. We have always been on the same page, sensing the next level of growth in our spiritual walk  and changing at the same pace. This has been a pure gift from God.  A growth in maturity, in my faith, healed our marriage. When I quit demanding love from my husband, quit trying to control him, he was set free to love me in freedom and in truth, in the power of the Spirit of God. When I let go and surrendered to God, He blessed me with more than I could ever have asked for in our marriage.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Do you find yourself waiting secretly for your knight in shining armor to whisk you off your feet so you can live happily ever after? Or for a wonderful woman to lift off your depression and sense of aimlessness? Although we laugh at such ridiculous fantasies as the stuff of naïve, lovesick teenagers, we all must face the deep temptation within ourselves to seek out a future partner to fulfill all of our needs. We have been brainwashed by Hollywood's romantic movies.

If you want to get married, seek the face of God, trust Him and He will drop someone in your path because marriage is just as much a vocation and a calling as Holy Orders. My husband asked God to find him a wife and then forgot all about it as he dedicated a year to Madonna House in Combermere, Ontario, Canada. Then he spent another year at his local parish where he lived in the residence with an ill priest. Travelling across Canada, stopping in to see a friend who was a parish worker, he read a note on the door explaining that Steve had taken his youth group on a picnic. Michael came over to my house to wait because I lived with Steve's fiance. As soon as Michael saw me, he KNEW I was the one. Michael swears by this method for finding a bride.

 5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Society does not prepare people for a Christian marriage. You have to actively seek out help and advice. Read insightful books, go to conferences, retreats, confession, make sure you pray, seek spiritual direction and counselling to help you mature and grow together as one in Christ. As a newlywed, I wish someone had explained to me that in marriage, partners irritate each other by pulling out each other's darkness, bringing their wounds to the surface. Once I understood this spiritual dynamic, I quit blaming Michael and pointing out his faults. The truth is, counter to what secular society would lead us to believe, only God can meet our core need for love.

Countless marriages end up in divorce because people have embraced the crazy notion that the man or woman of their dreams will completely satisfy and fulfill them. This is a lie. Before I understood this reality, I spent years as a pitiful, innocent victim, crying my eyes out over my plight married to an insensitive man.

Once I focused on myself rather than Michael, the Spirit of God could finally deal with my own sinfulness and need for healing. If I had thrown up my hands and divorced Michael, chances are the second fellow would have turned out exactly the same. My sinfulness triggered my husband's sinfulness. Period. I had to stop blaming and pointing out Michael's failings if I wanted a great marriage. Instead of pointing out the grain of sand in his eye, I had to allow God to show me the log of faults in my own eye. God designed us so that only His love will fill the desperate desires of our hearts. Once I understood this truth, I could allow real love, respectful love to grow between Michael and myself without making crushing demands on the poor guy to fulfill the role of God in my life.

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?

First and foremost, if you want  to get pregnant, relax and trust in God and His timing. Numerous stories are told of anxious couples, desperate for a baby, who finally give up, adopt and then when they are relaxed, they conceive. My problem was the opposite, I could conceive days before ovulation. Yet  the answer to both problems is the same -- Natural Family Planning teaches people how to understand their fertility cycles in order to conceive or not.

We read a homily by Pope John Paul II  whose main premise was that letting go of control and trusting in God was not some abstract principle but a day-to-day practical call that included the surrender of our fertility by not using contraception. Although we could not imagine how large our family would become, his words continued to resonate within both of us. Guilt lifted off and a sense of purpose took its place. Many small experiences kept reinforcing the truth: God calls each of our children into being with our cooperation. We stumbled blindly at times but then a burst of clarity would shine light on our purpose as we lived out our pro-life mission.

Catholic Author Jean Heimann of CatholicFire Tells Us How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

Following up on last week's blog tour where I reviewed Jean Heimann's new book Seven Saints for Seven Virtues, Jean and her husband Bill return to Can We Cana? for some advice on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

Bill & Jean:  We have been married 22 years and have no biological children. Bill has an adult son from a previous marriage, which was formally annulled by the Catholic Church prior to our marriage in the Church in 1992.

2. Name 3 things that have helped you to stay married this long.

Jean: Our strong Catholic faith bonded us from the beginning and has kept us together over the years. We are “equally yoked” as the Protestants say. We were both actively involved in leadership roles in various ministries prior to our marriage (and continue to be) and saw eye to eye on the important issues that face engaged couples: openness to life, putting God first in our lives, serving others, stewardship, our roles as husband and wife. We were highly compatible from the beginning and continue to remain that way. We both view marriage as a covenant bond and as lifetime commitment and plan to remain together until death do us part.  Second, I believe that while I tend to expect perfection from myself, Bill has never expected that from me, probably because he knows how truly imperfect I am. He is very understanding when I fail or make mistakes and also very forgiving. Forgiveness is essential in marriage, as there are times when we disappoint or fail our partner. If Jesus can forgive others, we, too, need to be able to emulate that quality. Third, a sense of humor along with a strong trust in God during trials and times of difficulty keeps us on the right track. Bill has taught me how to take myself and situations less seriously. He knows exactly what to say to make me laugh and how to help ease the tension during stressful times.

Bill: When we were married, it was Bill, Jesus, and Jean who were joined in union in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. Jesus has always been at the center of our marriage. Jean and I make time to pray together every day.  I always remember the saying, “The family that prays together, stays together.” We pray the Night Prayer, the Rosary, a daily prayer to St. Joseph, as well as our Family Consecration prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. We were prayer intercessors for a diocesan prayer group before we met and we continue to pray for the needs of others. I am fortunate to work at a job where I am able to recite the Rosary and I often offer up my Rosary for Jean’s special intentions. I know that Jean prays for me every day and she encourages me when I am going through tough times – that means a lot to me. Due to my work hours, I am only able to attend Mass one extra day besides Sunday, but it helps to know that I have a wife who attends Mass daily and is offering up prayers for me at Mass. Second, our love for one another is a permanent, lasting commitment. We are growing old together and are blessed with one another’s company. Third, listen to one another. It’s important to have someone there for you who will listen to you and encourage you.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

Jean: Our Faith has sustained us in numerous trials: illnesses, long periods of unemployment, financial difficulties, inability to have children of our own, deaths of family members, and many other sufferings we never anticipated. God has blessed us with abundant graces to sustain us and even transcend these trials. All these sufferings simply make us stronger and help us grow closer to one another and to God, if we surrender them to Him.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Jean: Be yourself. Don’t ever compromise your values to please the other person. Be chaste. Save your virginity to give to your spouse as a wedding gift on your wedding night. Be honest and sincere with yourself and with the other person about your expectations in marriage. Don’t be afraid to discuss all the “hot button” issues that you will be facing in marriage. When you have found that special someone, schedule an appointment with a priest to prepare yourself and your partner for marriage.

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Jean: Be patient with one another. Never go to bed angry. Pray together every day.

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?

Jean: Learn about Natural Family Planning and practice it, if necessary. It is natural, holistic, healthy, and a practice in partnership. It creates a natural bond between the married couple, drawing them into a more intimate union. Avoid artificial means of contraception, which separate the sexual act from pro-creation. The Church disapproves of these because they block the self-giving relationship between husband and wife, which should be a natural part of marriage, but they also are very unhealthy. They can endanger the woman’s health, cause an early abortion, and eventually ruin the couple’s love life.

Be aware that there are many methods of helping couples who are infertile today. I had been diagnosed with endometriosis ten years prior to our marriage and had three surgeries performed by a Catholic gynecologist for it. When we were married, I was told that I had a 50-50 chance of conceiving, but it never happened. I was devastated until I accepted the fact that it was not God’s will for me. Today, there are more effective methods for helping couples conceive that coincide with Catholic teachings, such as the CREIGHTON MODEL FertilityCare™ System (CrMS) and the new women's health science of NaProTECHNOLOGY.  [Editor's Note: For my interview of the founder of the Creighton Model and NaProTechnology on the occasion of Pope Paul VI's beatification in Rome, click here.] There are also now a number of support groups, including some that are Catholic, for those who deal with difficulty in conceiving a child. There are also now Catholic clinics, such as the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction and the National Center for Women's Health in Omaha, Nebraska.

~ copyright Jean M. Heimann October 2014

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If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• From a Woman Widowed Too Young: How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some
• Pablo & Kristin's Tips on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some
• How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny

From a Woman Widowed Too Young: How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

Cyndi Marlow married Steve when she was 19 years old, stayed married for 24 years, and became a widow unexpectedly at age 43. Cyndi tells an honest and real story of two people who shared life together through "lots of good and lots of bad times and tried to make the best of things most of the time." Many days, she experiences "regret and longing to go back and fix it all...if only I could."

Steve, Cyndi, and Sean Marlow in a memory pillow created at a grief workshop

Even though Steve suffered his first heart attack at 44, his medical recovery was excellent and they mistakenly thought that all was going to be just fine. They looked forward to sharing their future twilight years together and began talking of taking a cruise to celebrate their 25th anniversary. But, Cyndi laments,"the cruise never happened. On April 26, the day before my birthday and two days before our son’s birthday, we came home and found him. He was dead of a massive heart attack at the age of 48. The past several years have been very rough. They have been hardest on my son. I have come to accept the beautiful tapestry of inadequacies that have been woven and revealed through this entire experience. I have come to understand the trials of life are truly God's mercies in disguise."

Here is Cyndi's advice on cherishing the years that you have together, because they may be cut short far sooner than you imagine.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

Steve and I were married 24 years when he passed, and we have one adopted son.

2. Name 3 things that helped you to stay married that long.

Faithfulness to each other, no matter the storms. No matter the trials. No matter the struggles.

Commitment to family and what it means to be a family.

Pure Taurus stubbornness.

3. What role did faith play in your marriage?

I have only God and our deep sense of commitment to each other, no matter the pain or cost, to credit those 24 years together. For it was not an easy one for us. We were not married in the Catholic Church. Neither of us was Catholic. He was Baptist by up-bringing; I did not have a church affiliation. We somehow managed a Christian wedding. Many years later I would become Catholic on my own.

Grace is the glue that held us together when we did not have the strength to do it ourselves. God had a plan for us. God has a plan for you. Trust that.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Don’t pay attention to what the media or the world tells you about relationships and marriage. It couldn’t be further from what is real and is not the model you want to emulate.

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Don’t run away from the bad times. Don’t run away from each other. Say I love you all the time, because you never know when you won’t get the chance to say it again.

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?

We were never able to have children of our own. Infertility is a terrible, destructive force in a marriage. We tried for 13 years before we looked at adoption through our local Catholic Charities. Although Steve had to be convinced to give adoption a try at first, once he was committed, he never looked back and was a truly wonderful and caring father.

So I am only going to speak to the couples that are longing for children and experiencing any type of infertility. It is not an experience that every marriage can survive. Dealing with those pains and disappointments will be a challenge. Stay faithful to each other. Stay committed to each other. Together and with your faith to guide you, you can and will get through it all. Infertility is cruel and devouring monster that is eager to destroy if you let it. Don’t let it. Husbands, sometimes she just needs to be held and allowed to cry her eyes out. Wives, do what you need to do to get through each day. If that means staying away from baby showers, and avoiding the baby aisle of the store, then that is what you need to do. Couples, please just don’t suffer this alone. Find others who are or have experienced this pain and find some friendship and comfort there.

I still carry the scar of my infertility. There are times when it hits me that I have never known the joy of carrying a child in my womb and now, due to age and a complete hysterectomy, I never will. There is an ache that permeates from the soul when you long for a child and you cannot have one. I wish that I could tell you that the ache goes away 100% ...but it doesn’t really ever leave. With faith, the pain can and will undergo a metamorphosis to become that blessing of mercy. I promise.

God bless you in your union, now and always.

If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• Pablo & Kristin's Tips on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some
• How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny
• How to Stay Married 10 Years and Then Some: A New Series on the Blog!

Pablo & Kristin's Tips on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

For the second post in our series How to Stay Married 10 years & Then Some, we'd like to welcome the Gomez family. Pablo and Kristin are the godparents of our fifth child, Cecilia, because we couldn't imagine stronger prayer warriors for our daughter! Kristin actually guest posted for Can We Cana? earlier this year. Here are Kristin and Pablo's tips for living a long, happy, and holy marriage.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

We have been married 18 years and have 6 children, ages 3 to almost 16.

2. Name 3 things that have helped you to stay married this long.

 Forgiveness, the Sacraments, and a sense of humor.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

It has helped us always to remember that we are not in this alone...and that periods of suffering in our marriage can bring us, our family, and others redemption. It has made the permanence of the marriage a non-negotiable, which in turn makes the desire to make the marriage happy even greater -- because "the rest of our lives" (God willing) is a mighty long time!

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

First, make sure that each of you believes in the permanence of marriage, has a healthy understanding that suffering comes for us all and need not be feared, and that each is open to life. Secondly, make sure you know how to communicate. Healthily. And if you do not, ..LEARN!! Read great books by Catholic and Christian therapists, saints, life coaches, specialists, etc. Surround yourself with couples that respect one another and model good communication -- and seek their wisdom with humility. Thirdly, make sure each of you can and does ask for forgiveness and knows how to forgive others. And finally, have a similar vision for what you see as a mission for your life. This, we believe, helps one to know oneself, which adds greatly to the happiness and harmony of the potential marriage. If your dating partner has a chunk of any of these  fundamentals missing, we would say it is best to break it off, permanently or temporarily, to allow the areas of weakness to be identified and healed or strengthened before pursuing the relationship any further. This is not to say one should look for Mr. or Ms. Perfect, for they do not exist! But we feel these areas are crucial because a certain degree of health and mutual vision is necessary for a strong marriage. There are struggles in even a healthy, strong marriage, so it is best to have some of the fundamentals tied down first!

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Spend these first few months or years really getting to know the hopes and dreams of each other and those of your own! Delight in each other, but do not become TOO attached to the comforts and ease of a life pre-children as this can possibly lead to other difficulties later on. Try to make good couple friends who share your values and who have relationships you admire. Constantly seek to deepen your faith and your spiritual life -- try to use these years to develop a sense of how you will incorporate your faith and prayer lives into your marriage. And, again, enjoy getting to know each other, for this is just the beginning!

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?

Raising children is a large and weighty task -- and an intensely joyful and incredible experience and gift! We think most, if not all, people are still unprepared for the level of constant sacrifice that is asked of us once we are blessed with a baby -- and increasingly so with every new soul in our care. Our advice is to RECOGNIZE these difficulties for what they are -- blessings! To paraphrase a little of what we tell our children regarding work in general, do not be afraid or hesitant when faced with the intense work (of raising a family). Do not dread or try to avoid the challenging workload, for life in general is largely a life of work. Be glad and grateful that your workload is so noble, so tender, and so eternally rewarding. Be grateful that these children have you as their parents for you will give them the loving, secure home that so, so many children long for and will never know. Give until it hurts, as Mother Teresa says...and then give some more! "Do not fear " is our mantra when it comes to children -- whether in bearing them, birthing them, educating them, raising them up in the Faith, delighting in them, disciplining them, protecting them, forgiving (and seeking forgiveness from) them, nurturing them,or letting them go when it is time. It is all a plan that we are just one  part of -- albeit an integral one.

In a nutshell, the bumper stickers are true! Babies ARE blessings! And, yes! Teenagers are too! Plus everything in between and thereafter! Savor the moments of childrearing! They DO go quickly!Expect to work hard, suffer much, laugh often, enjoy fully and push yourself to your physical, emotional, and spiritual limits on a daily basis! Family life is a beautiful path to heaven!

If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny
• How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: A New Series on the Blog!
• Don't Turn a Blind Eye to Marital Abandonment

How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny

The kick-off to this great new series How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some is written by yours truly, me and my husband Manny. Here are our prime bits of advice gathered over the years, and a few of our most cherished stories.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

Manny & Karee: We've been married 14 years and have 6 kids: Lelia, age 13; Miguel, age 11; Maria, age 9; Marguerite, age 7; Cecilia, age 5; and Elisa-Maria, age 3. Yes, we know that's a lot of girls.

2. Name 3 things that have helped you to stay married this long.

Manny: “Not staying married” was never really an option in my mind. So I would say that the first thing that has helped me stay married is a proper understanding of what marriage is -- a promise of forever. The second thing that has helped me stay married is that I meant what I said on my wedding day. The wedding vows I spoke were not flowery or cute, but rather simple and direct. They were spoken before God Almighty for all to hear, a promise that no force on earth could sever, save death. The third thing that has helped me stay married, and not just stay married but stay happily married, is a piece of advice a neighbor once gave me. Tony Imbarrato, who lived together with his wife Vicky next door to my parents, told me that marriage was like a delicate flower, responsive to love and care yet capable of wilting away if neglected or mistreated. That inspires me to nurture my marriage.

Karee: First, focusing on the positive things about my husband, my marriage, and my family. Focusing on the negative things doesn't make anyone happy, including me! Second, trusting that God has a purpose for our marriage and for our family. Manny told me when he proposed that there would come a time when he would let me down, not intentionally, but because he was human and he would fail. (The flip-side of that coin is that I would fail him, too, of course.) Only God never fails, and he will always bind up the little hurts we give each other. Third, allowing myself to become dependent on my husband. Total independence makes it too easy to walk out the door.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

Manny: Safe to say that without my faith, I wouldn’t have seen a need to get married at all, at least not in the Catholic Church. Other churches have prettier buildings and better music. (Editor's Note: We got married in the beautiful Manhattan Church of the Holy Innocents, and our wedding Mass incorporated two choirs, two professional vocal soloists, an organist, two trumpet players, a flautist, and an original piece of music commissioned specially for the occasion. I defy anyone other than European royalty to produce proof of better music at a wedding ceremony.)

Karee: Faith has been a bedrock of our marriage. By putting God first, we avoid the potential power struggle over whose wishes and needs are more important. God's plans are the most important and they're better than anything we could imagine or dream of on our own.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Manny: I would ask them why. Why get married? If you don’t have a clear reason, you’re not ready to get married.  Physical attraction is a good start but most assuredly not enough. If  there’s also a compelling socio-economic reason, such as saving money, again, I would say it’s not enough. If it’s to please others, their pleasure (and yours) will be short lived. In my mind there’s only one reason, in the end, to get married. You want to be with this person for the rest of your life, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, ‘til death do you part. Looks fade, fortunes come and go, and pleasing others is rarely a good reason to make a life-long commitment.

Karee: When Manny and I were dating, he was very clear that the purpose of dating was to find out if we wanted to marry each other. No one had ever been so blunt about their intentions towards me, and it gave us an important incentive to keep trying to iron out our differences. So, be intentional. Date with a view towards marriage and don't be shy about discussing it openly.

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Manny: There’s something special, almost magical, about this time of life. In fact, for the first few years of marriage, you should feel free to consider yourselves newlyweds. Hold hands, giggle together, exchange glances when no one is looking, make time together a priority because it ought to be. And after the newlywed period ends, and of course it will, then make an effort to continue some of the things you loved doing when you were newlyweds. It will make a huge difference.

Karee: The best newlywed advice I ever got was from a priest in the confessional. He said to be patient, patient with my husband and patient with myself. There will be a lot of time to get used to one another and the changes that happen along with getting married. The changes can be exhilarating, but also a little nerve-wracking.

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?

Manny: Children are a blessing, and if received as such the joy and the laughs (kids are funny) will far outweigh the hard work and suffering that inevitably accompany parenthood.  

Karee: My parents told us when I first got pregnant that raising children would be the hardest thing we ever did in our lives. We smiled dreamily and said, "We know." We had no freaking clue. Dads, your wife is about to become a superhero -- appreciate it and respect it. Moms, remember that no matter how steep your learning curve is, your husband's will be steeper -- be understanding. Couples who are aching to become moms and dads, pray that the time of waiting prepares you to be grace-filled parents. Trust me when I say you'll need all the grace you can get.

If you've enjoyed this post, we recommend:

• The Way We Met
• Daring to Wear White
• The Tale of Raphi and the Lost Wedding Ring

How to Stay Married 10 Years and Then Some: A New Series on the Blog!

I'm thrilled to announce a new blog series featuring relationship advice from couples who have been married for 10 years or more!  How to Stay Married 10 Years and Then Some is the brainchild of my awesome husband, Manuel P. Santos, M.D., who has counseled many couples in his therapy practice. Several people have already signed up to share their wisdom and their stories about finding a spouse, navigating the newlywed years, and venturing into parenthood.

Posts from this great series will appear once a month, starting this July. Anyone married 10 years or more can be a guest poster, so please volunteer! All you have to do is send me a family pic and the answers to these six questions:

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

2. Name 3 things that have helped you to stay married this long.

3. What role has your faith played in your marriage?

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?


If you're interested, just respond in the comments below or email me at santoskaree@gmail.com. And enjoy the series!


Photo Credit: annstheclaf via Compfight cc