Marriage Rx: Can Divorced & Remarried Receive Communion Now?

Question: I'm a Catholic who is divorced and remarried. I never got an annulment from my first marriage. But I really love the Mass and want to receive the Eucharist. So several years ago, I asked a priest, who said my marital status didn't matter and I could keep taking communion. Then a friend told me a priest didn't have authority to say that unless my new husband and I lived as brother and sister. My second marriage was rocky at that point, so I followed my friend's advice. My new husband and I wound up separating. When I read in the papers that Pope Francis is allowing the divorced and remarried to take communion, I got really confused and upset. I feel like my sacrifice was for nothing, and I'm pretty angry with my friend. Did the rules just change? I don't understand!

Answer: First of all, don't believe everything you read in the papers! Pope Francis did not just change the rules to allow all divorced and remarried to receive communion. The papers you read were probably reporting on the Pope's recent exhortation Amoris Laetitia (or The Joy of Love), and in particular on Chapter 8, "Accompanying, Discerning and Integrating Weakness."

In Chapter 8, Pope Francis stated that he is not providing "a new set of general rules ... applicable to all cases" (AL 300). Instead, he is offering "a renewed encouragement to undertake a responsible personal and pastoral discernment of particular cases" (id.). This discernment can happen through conversations with priests. But it does not mean "that any priest can quickly grant 'exceptions', or that some people can obtain sacramental privileges in exchange for favours" (id.).

Pope Francis stressed that not all divorced and remarried are in a state of mortal sin, relying on the traditional definition of mortal sin as requiring three conditions: (1) grave matter, (2) full knowledge, and (3) deliberate consent (AL 301, CCC 1857). To remarry outside the Church without getting an annulment is definitely a grave matter. But whether a person had full knowledge and deliberate consent depends on the person.

According to the Catechism, a person's degree of responsibility for their actions can be lessened by "ignorance, inadvertence, duress, fear, habit, inordinate attachments” or by “affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors” (AL 302, CCC 1735, 2352).

In explaining what Pope Francis said in Amoris Laetitia, commentator Fr. Dwight Longenecker uses an analogy to drivers who break the law by speeding. If the speed limit is 60 miles per hour, anyone who drives over that limit has broken the law. But if one driver is drag racing on the highway and the other is rushing to get his injured daughter to the hospital, then the drag racer bears far more guilt for what he did. Fr. Longenecker continues:

Like the speeders, one divorced and remarried person may be far more guilty than another divorced and remarried person. Both have broken God’s law by being remarried after divorce, but the degree of their fault may vary. This doesn’t mean a divorced and remarried person who is only mildly guilty may automatically receive communion. That person still needs to have his or her irregular relationship sorted out.

So what does all of this mean for your specific situation? First of all, it's true that priests don't have the authority to grant quick exceptions. The process of pastoral discernment isn't a one-shot deal. It implies a relationship with a particular confessor who knows you and accepts the Church's teachings, and who is willing to help you understand the right path by meeting with you frequently, over and over, until you can see your way through.

Second of all, don't be angry with your friend. The advice to live as brother and sister comes straight out of Pope St. John Paul II's words in Familiaris Consortio (no. 84):

Reconciliation in the sacrament of Penance which would open the way to the Eucharist, can only be granted to those [divorced and remarried] who, repenting of having broken the sign of the Covenant and of fidelity to Christ, are sincerely ready to undertake a way of life that is no longer in contradiction to the indissolubility of marriage. This means, in practice, that when, for serious reasons, such as for example the children's upbringing, a man and a woman cannot satisfy the obligation to separate, they "take on themselves the duty to live in complete continence, that is, by abstinence from the acts proper to married couples."

You did the right thing -- the heroic thing. And you did it for love of the Eucharist. But if you're troubled about it, the answer is to find a trustworthy confessor who can see you regularly, getting to know you and your specific situation, and helping you understand the great value of what you chose to do.

Mercy Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

"Why do they only have 45 minutes for confession?" asked my Protestant dad when I was home over the holidays. "Well," I tried to explain, "Most church-goers don't go to confession that often. They don't really think they're doing anything wrong."

A senior deacon from one of the first classes of people trained in the post-Vatican II era told me that the deacons were instructed to excise the words "mortal sin" from their vocabulary. Or as one pre-Cana teacher asked me with wide-eyed honesty after teaching her class that they didn't really have to go to Sunday Mass as long as they had a personal relationship with Jesus, "Do Catholics believe in mortal sin any more?" I choked out with admirable self-aplomb, "Yes, we do have an obligation to attend Sunday Mass and yes, we do believe in mortal sin. It's in the Catechism."

Welcoming people and accepting them with love is one thing. Throwing the Catechism (and centuries of Church teaching) out the window or using it as a doorstop rather than a reference manual is quite another. The "I'm okay, you're okay" approach avoids offense and smooths ruffled feathers. But if I'm okay and you're okay, then why would God need to forgive us for anything? Why would we need the confessional? In the mind of modern man, we don't. That's why parish confession times last 45 minutes, and the line of people who show up often vacillates between few and none.

This obvious trend is what makes conservative Catholics really, really nervous when Pope Francis preaches about mercy. "Mercy" looks like carte blanche for bad behavior as long as we're still basically good people. Or at least better than our gossipy neighbor or mean boss or neglectful spouse. I mean, compared to them, what have we done that's really so bad? What do we have to say sorry for?

According to one Italian priest, Pope Francis' pontificate is making things go from bad to worse. That priest has observed "not only a further drop in the practice of sacramental confession, but also a deterioration in the 'quality' of the confessions themselves." The priest gave one example where he was encouraging a repeat offender to repent and resolve not to commit the same sin in the future. The penitent answered, "Mercy knows no limits! ... I am here only to have what everyone deserves at least at Christmas: to be able to receive communion at midnight! ...Who are you to judge me?” In another example, when the priest imposed a penance, the penitent refused to perform it on the ground that “no one must ask for anything in exchange for God’s mercy, because it is free.”

Without a doubt, these two penitents lacked a basic understanding of what sacramental confession is all about. The Catechism explains: "The movement of return to God, called conversion and repentance, entails sorrow for and abhorrence of sins committed, and the firm purpose of sinning no more in the future" (CCC 1490). This is why Mafia enforcers can't go to confession every weekend and be absolved of their sins as murderers-for-hire. They've got to intend never to do it again -- to "go and sin no more."

"The imposition and acceptance of a penance" is also an essential element of sacramental confession because it repairs the harm caused by sin and encourages the penitent to live in a more Christian way (CCC 1480, 1494). Penance requires us to put our money where our mouth is, so to speak. If we're truly sorry for the damage our sin has caused to God and to others, then we can prove it by making amends.

Although the anonymous Italian priest implicates Pope Francis as the guilty party, it's hard to lay the blame squarely at our pontiff's feet. I'm sure people say outrageous things in the confessional all the time. "A priest is surprised by nothing," says my husband. Much like a psychiatrist, a priest has heard it all.

The pastor in the little Virginia town where I grew up had very different stories to tell about Catholics' reaction to Pope Francis' call for mercy. As this country priest traveled throughout his rural territory to offer confession this past Advent, he saw many more people showing up in church. They told him that they came because of Pope Francis. Francis made them want to get closer to the Church and closer to the Church meant closer to the sacraments, closer to the confessional. "Pope Francis tells you to walk through the holy door during this Jubilee Year of Mercy. Well, I tell you that you can accept that invitation by walking through the holy door of the confessional," the pastor said in his Christmas homily.

Pope Francis has just given the world a close-up view of his interpretation of mercy in his new book The Name of God Is Mercy, released this week. Confession does involve "a certain amount of judgment," acknowledged Pope Francis, and sometimes a priest cannot grant absolution. Pope Francis gave the example of his own niece, civilly married to a divorced man who hasn't obtained an annulment of his first marriage yet. His niece's husband went to confession every Sunday before Mass, telling the priest, "I know you can't absolve me but I have sinned … please give me a blessing."

Pope Francis praised his niece's husband as "a religiously mature man," and added, “if the confessor cannot absolve a person, he needs to explain why, he needs to give them a blessing, even without the holy sacrament. The love of God exists even for those who are not disposed to receive it."

Sin is real, and Pope Francis isn't afraid to preach about it. Sin hurts: "sin is more than a stain. Sin is a wound; it needs to be treated, healed.” Shame is a grace: "it is good, positive, because it makes us humble." Shame for sin leads a penitent to the confessional and into the arms of God: “he ought to feel like a sinner, so that he can be amazed by God. In order to be filled with his gift of infinite mercy, we need to recognize our need, our emptiness, our wretchedness.”

Would Pope Francis agree that mercy means never having to say you're sorry? Not a chance.

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Pope Francis' Annulment Reforms are an Act of Mercy

A lot of prominent canon lawyers have expressed concerns about Pope Francis' recent annulment reforms. On behalf of Aleteia.org, I interviewed the people on the ground about how the reforms will actually impact annulment procedures in the United States. Read my interview of the Judicial Vicar of the Metropolitan Tribunal of the Archdiocese of New York and the Director of the Diocesan Tribunal of of New Ulm, Minnesota.

Some accuse Pope Francis' self-initiated annulment reforms as likely to lead to "fast, cheap, drive-through annulments." But the reality is that the Pope is caught between a rock and a hard place. The recent Synod on the Family debated the issue of communion for the divorced and civilly remarried for three weeks, with one camp trumpeting the truth that sacramental marriage is indissoluble and the other camp pleading for mercy for the divorced and civilly remarried yearning to receive the Eucharist again. The annulments process is the obvious bridge between truth and mercy in this difficult situation. If a marriage is declared null by the Church, then the divorced and civilly remarried can have their union blessed by the Church and they can receive Holy Communion.

The annulment reforms will come into effect on December 8, 2015, on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception and the first day of the Jubilee Year of Mercy that Pope Francis has declared. The Pope may be signaling that he sees the annulment reforms as an act of mercy.

Greater access to annulments may help many people to reconcile with the Church. No system is perfect, including the annulments system, because it's made up of human beings with their weaknesses and failings. But I have spoken to canon lawyers across the country who are dedicated to their jobs, the system, and their faith. One judicial vicar whom I called declined to comment directly to the press because of diocesan policy, so we prayed together instead. These men and women are striving to do the best they can.

Pope Francis' annulment reforms highlight more of what's right with the U.S. system than what's wrong. The reforms geared at increasing the speed of the process will shave off only a few months here, as opposed to years in other countries. (The widely reported "45 day annulment" is a myth.) Fees here will generally be lower, but most U.S. dioceses were already shouldering the lion's share of the cost and did not turn people away if they couldn't pay.

I talked about the annulment reforms at length with Fr. Richard Welch, the judicial vicar of the Tribunal of the Archdiocese of New York, and Aldean Hendrickson, the Director of the Diocesan Tribunal of New Ulm, Minnesota. Following are their thoughts.

1. Will the reforms meet Francis' goal of improving "the speed of the processes, along with the appropriate simplicity" and encouraging recourse to annulment procedures by "the enormous number of faithful who ... are too often separated from the legal structures of the Church due to physical or moral distance"?

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): In some dioceses, in some countries, perhaps. But not here. Typically, in our Tribunal, by using the ordinary process and following all its steps, a case is finished between 5 and 7 months. I know there are countries in South America, where the process could take 5 to 6 years. That's not our situation. The process is completely and easily available to anybody in this Archdiocese and in most dioceses in the United States. And the cases actually go through fairly quickly. We have 20 staff members employed at the Tribunal because of the generosity of the Archdiocese, so we can keep cases moving - without cutting any corners, of course.

Hendrickson (New Ulm): In my estimation, the general sense of the faithful right now is that the process is too much trouble to bother with, so if these few reforms encourage new numbers to at least approach their tribunals with cases, then I think that will be a great blessing to those members of the faithful, and to the Church as a whole.


2. Has the episcopal conference set a uniform fee for all annulments in your region? 

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): The Conference has not yet made a pronouncement. But the decision is always ultimately the bishop’s. So, Cardinal Dolan has determined that fees will cease by December 8. I agree that's a good decision at this time.

Hendrickson (New Ulm): I have not heard of any discussions yet by the episcopal conference to address the question of a uniform approach to tribunal fees. Certainly the trend among individual bishops over the past year has been to announce, with great media fanfare, that they are doing away with fees in their respective tribunals, and I would expect that trend to continue.


3. What were the fees before, and how much of tribunal expenses did the fees cover?

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): The typical fee was $1,200, if the petitioner could pay. No one's case was expedited or slowed down because of monetary concerns. The Archdiocese always subsidized three quarters of the costs of the process. Now, the Archdiocese will subsidize the process in full. It's not free because somebody's paying. For the ordinary process, I would estimate the cost to be at least $5,000. As of December, petitioners could make a donation to the Archdiocese, not payable to the Tribunal, if they are inclined to do so.

Hendrickson (New Ulm): At a very rough estimate, salaries alone multiplied by the hours of work involved would put the cost of a case in my tribunal in the vicinity of $3,000. Simply dividing the tribunal budget by the number of cases in a year would, at the moment, give a cost between $8,000 and $9,000. We are a small diocese with a very small shop and considerably less overhead than I imagine could be the case in a larger diocese. The point being that, no matter how you slice it, the cost of a cause of matrimonial nullity is not insignificant. Our diocese has never had such a fee at the outset of the case, but does ask for a "donation" from the petitioner ($500 is suggested) after the case is completely finalized in the petitioner's favor. Only a very few petitioners each year make any response to this solicitation.


4. Pope Francis' reforms also eliminated the need for mandatory appellate review of annulment cases. Do you feel that this eliminates an unnecessary bureaucratic hurdle, or do you have concerns that the reform takes away important oversight that ensured just and accurate results?

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): Eliminating the automatic appeal can remove a significant amount of time from the process. After we finished with a case in first instance, sometimes the case would stay many months in the court of second instance because they don't have the staff we do. I am concerned about taking away oversight and have been for some time. But the reality is that the Interdiocesan Tribunal of New York has 9 dioceses, and they don't have the staff to hear the hundreds of cases that may come before them in a year. Of course, the right to appeal any case remains intact.

Hendrickson (New Ulm): There are strong opinions on both sides of this question. I absolutely believe that sufficient care can be given in the first instance without an appeal: I am just not sure I believe that it will be.

6. The Pope's reforms allow a shortened procedure in cases where nullity "is supported by particularly clear arguments" and where there are difficult circumstances such as an extremely brief marriage, persistent adultery, or violence. Who in your diocese will decide which cases merit the shortened procedure and how will they reach that decision? Does the motu proprio give clear enough guidance?

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): The decision is left to the judicial vicar alone. As the judicial vicar making this decision, I do have enough guidance. First, it is required that it has to be absolutely clear that both parties consent to the grounds in the petition. It is not common that both parties agree to the grounds. The second requirement is that the documents must manifestly prove the nullity of the marriage or at least lean heavily in that direction. I can't remember too many cases like that. The third requirement is that the bishop himself -- and he cannot delegate this to anyone because the new norms charge him personally-- Cardinal Dolan has to sit down in a session, watch the case being presented, weigh the proofs and the facts, and make his determination. There is no 45 day annulment, as the press has reported. That count is only for a middle stage within the entire abbreviated process, and when all the stages are counted we calculated that doing the brief process would take an estimated minimum of 7 months. For us and the way our Tribunal operates, the ordinary process is going to be shorter than the "brief" process.

Hendrickson (New Ulm): I would expect that our judicial vicar would be making that assessment. Whether there will be some mechanism for the sponsoring pastor to nominate the case for the shortened procedure has not yet been discussed at our tribunal (at least not in my hearing).

7. Do you feel like the shortened procedure is a useful form of triage, or do you see a danger that certain marriages will be presumed invalid instead of valid?

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): It could be beneficial, if the conditions are met, in dioceses where personnel and resources are restricted. That 's not the case in this archdiocese or, I imagine, in most dioceses in the United States. I don't see the abbreviated procedure being beneficial here in the Archdiocese of New York, precisely because the ordinary cases are handled in such a complete and expedient way. Now, if the parties request the brief process and they meet all the requirements, we will consider giving it to them, with the prior warning that it could last longer than the ordinary one

Hendrickson (New Ulm): Like any human process, including the version currently in force, this new shortened procedure will be susceptible to misuse or abuse. The tribunals that have been working hard to carefully serve the faithful with a ministry of justice guided by faithful observance of procedural laws and jurisprudence will continue to do so, and those tribunals who have long been accustomed to live by the adage that almost any marriage can be declared invalid if they try hard enough, will continue to follow that course.

8. On a practical level, do bishops have the time to oversee the shortened procedures personally?

Fr. Welch (N.Y.): The Cardinal Archbishop of New York is a very busy man. That's why he has a Tribunal, that's why the judicial power and the work are delegated. I can't imagine a number of cases going to the Archbishop on a monthly basis, where he has to sit down reading and hearing them for hours and hours. These procedures might be more applicable in dioceses without tribunals, and in very remote areas with few or no canon lawyers.

Hendrickson (New Ulm): From my brief experience in diocesan work, no. Of course, the bishops will make time to meet the needs and concerns of their flock, however.

The Grand Finale of Week Three of the Family Synod, or Now What?

The Synod on the Family's final act has concluded, and we can all relax. Or can we? Contrary to widespread concerns (or hopes), the Synod final report did not recommend a change to well-settled Church doctrine. Fortunately, we dodged that bullet. But we still don't know what Pope Francis plans to do next. My take on the Synod's final week.

1. Worldwide Smack-down: Africa vs. Germany, Round Two

Although probably the most well-known of the African bishops, 82-year-old Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria did not participate directly in the Synod on the Family. Nonetheless, in interviews with the press, Cardinal Arinze eloquently articulated the African position.

On the joy of being a Christian: "Christianity is good news in Africa. Young people commit themselves with serious sacrifice to Christianity."

On inviting divorced and civilly remarried Catholics to Holy Communion: "We cannot improve on what Christ has said. We cannot be wiser than him, or say that 'there is a circumstance he did not foresee.' We cannot be more merciful than Christ. We must look for a way to help the divorced who are remarried, [but] we don’t help them by saying, 'Come and receive Holy Communion.'”

On decentralization of doctrine: "Are you going to tell me that we can have a national bishops’ conference in one country that would approve something which, in another conference, would be seen as sin? Is sin going to change according to national borders? ... It looks dangerously like nationalizing right and wrong."

Meanwhile, Cardinal Reinhard Marx of Germany was reduced to taking potshots at more conservative bishops like Cardinal George Pell of Australia, who framed the debate over communion as a clash between supporters of Germany's Cardinal Kasper and followers of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. Cardinal Marx publicly accused Cardinal Pell of being unhelpful and contradicting the Synod's spirit of cooperation. Cardinal Pell's spokesman responded that he was “delighted to learn that Marx has explained that there’s no contrast between the Kasper camp and Benedict XVI,” calling it “a welcome surprise.”

My vote: Germany loses. Thumbs up.

2. No Skipping School

A group of concerned Catholics began circulating a petition urging Synod participants who support the Church's unchanging doctrine to walk out in protest. The petition garnered more than 2,000 signatures. General public response viewed the petition as in somewhat bad taste and unlikely to accomplish anything. Ultimately, no one walked out on the Synod.

My vote: Thumbs down on the petition.

3. Pope Francis' Closing Speech Both Comforts and Disturbs

Many have questioned Pope Francis' decision to watch Synod combatants duking it out without intervening. The Pope explained himself well in his closing speech, delivered October 24:

Certainly, the Synod was not about settling all the issues having to do with the family, but rather attempting to see them in the light of the Gospel .... 

Surely it was not about finding exhaustive solutions for all the difficulties and uncertainties which challenge and threaten the family, but rather ... carefully studying them and confronting them fearlessly, without burying our heads in the sand....

It was about showing the vitality of the Catholic Church, which is not afraid to stir dulled consciences or to soil her hands with lively and frank discussions about the family.....

The different opinions which were freely expressed – and at times, unfortunately, not in entirely well-meaning ways – certainly led to a rich and lively dialogue; they offered a vivid image of a Church which does not simply “rubberstamp."

One good thing to result from the Synod is that everyone's cards are now on the table. Second-hand stories of priests who have knowingly admitted the divorced and civilly remarried to Holy Communion have circulated for years, despite this action being specifically prohibited by the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Now, the open secret is not-so secret any more.

Pope Francis' closing speech also included some encouraging words about appreciating "the importance of the institution of the family and of marriage between a man and a woman, based on unity and indissolubility, and valuing it as the fundamental basis of society and human life." But the speech included some disturbing language as well.

Pope Francis sharply criticized those who turned the Gospel into "dead stones to be hurled at others" and those with "closed hearts which frequently hide even behind the Church’s teachings or good intentions, in order to ... judge, sometimes with superiority and superficiality, difficult cases and wounded families." I'm not sure who he's talking about, but I don't think it's the Germans.

Pope Francis also indicated that he favors some type of different treatment on a country-by-country basis, bringing up echoes of doctrinal decentralization:

apart from dogmatic questions clearly defined by the Church’s Magisterium – we have also seen that what seems normal for a bishop on one continent, is considered strange and almost scandalous for a bishop from another; what is considered a violation of a right in one society is an evident and inviolable rule in another; what for some is freedom of conscience is for others simply confusion. Cultures are in fact quite diverse, and each general principle needs to be inculturated, if it is to be respected and applied.

The two most hotly debated issues at the Synod -- civil remarriage and homosexuality -- both seem to be "clearly defined by the Church's Magisterium." Which begs the question of what else could Pope Francis possibly be talking about, or how narrow is his conception of  "clearly defined."

My vote: I'm still nervous.

4. Synod's Final Report: Yay?

The Synod fathers voted on the drafting committee's final report during the evening of October 24. The good news is that all paragraphs passed by the required two-thirds majority and none of them flatly contradicted Church doctrine. The bad news is, like most writing produced by committees, it's hard to understand what they mean. As the New York Times reported, "the document ... was so carefully worded that it was immediately open to competing interpretations and allowed both the conservative and liberal flanks in the church to claim victory."

Paragraph 76 on homosexuality strongly rejected same-sex marriage while emphasizing the dignity and respect due to all persons and the need to accompany and support people with gay family members. Paragraph 84 on the divorced and civilly remarried called for greater inclusion and integration. Paragraphs 85 and 86 focused on discernment, conscience, and priestly assistance in forming "a correct judgment on what hinders the possibility of a fuller participation in the life of the Church" by the divorced and civilly remarried. The possibility of Holy Communion was not specifically mentioned.

Of course, the issue has never really been what the final report says. The issue is what will Pope Francis do next. After the 2014 Synod, where many bishops expressed a desire for annulment reform, the Pope created a special commission that led to his amending canon law on his own initiative this past September. The pope has created a new Vatican office merging the existing pontifical councils for laity and family and the Vatican’s bioethics think tank. In addition, the pope may answer calls by some Synod fathers to create a commission to study the question of the divorced and civilly remarried.

My vote: It ain't over yet. Stay tuned.



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Canva graphic created with image by Andreas Tille (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

Best & Worst of Bishops Behaving Badly, or Week 2 of the Family Synod

As amply demonstrated by last week's synod proceedings in Rome, Pope Francis' brand of Jesuit or Ignatian spirituality is down and dirty. Cardinal Dolan of New York explained that in Ignatian spirituality, "a mess, confusion, questions are a good thing. Very often our desire for something very tidy, very predictable, something very structured, in itself sometimes can be an obstacle to the work of grace." Well, I don't know if my heart can stand it. Here's my take on last week's chaos.

1. Worldwide Smack-down: Africa vs. Germany

Along with Cardinal Kasper, the German bishops are pushing strongly for communion for the divorced and civilly remarried and acceptance of same-sex unions for gay couples. One German bishop called these issues cultural rather than doctrinal, and spoke in support of giving authority to “national bishops conferences’ to search for pastoral solutions that are in tune with their specific cultural context.” Jumping on the bandwagon, Archbishop Cupich of Chicago found the logic of allowing communion for divorced and remarried to apply to homosexual couples as well.

Meanwhile, Cardinal Sarah of Africa compared the idolatory of Western freedom to an apocalyptic beast. He identified as a major threat the family's "subjectivist disintegration in the secularized West through quick and easy divorce, abortion, homosexual unions, euthanasia et cetera," He continued: “We need to be inclusive and welcoming to all that is human; but what comes from the Enemy cannot and must not be assimilated.”

Kudos to both sides for laying their cards on the table. My vote: Thumbs up for clarity. Thumbs down for eroding my peace of mind.

2. Minority Report: Practicing Catholics Edition

Cardinal Dolan recently blogged about the "new minority" in the Church, a minority also worthy of inclusion. Surprisingly, the "new minority" sounds a lot like Catholics who strive to follow the Church and practice their faith to the best of their ability:

Can I suggest as well that there is now a new minority in the world and even in the Church?  I am thinking of those who, relying on God’s grace and mercy, strive for virtue and fidelity: Couples who — given the fact that, at least in North America, only half of our people even enter the sacrament of matrimony–  approach the Church for the sacrament;  Couples who, inspired by the Church’s teaching that marriage is forever, have persevered through trials; couples who welcome God’s gifts of many babies; a young man and woman who have chosen not to live together until marriage; a gay man or woman who wants to be chaste; a couple who has decided that the wife would sacrifice a promising professional career to stay at home and raise their children — these wonderful people today often feel themselves a minority, certainly in culture, but even, at times in the Church!

This is encouragement that practicing Catholics badly need to hear from a prince of the Church. As popular blogger and mom of 10 Simcha Fisher wrote recently, the faithful sheep are suffering, too. She commented: "We can become so caught up in the great cultural and spiritual wars of our era — wars that swirl around avant-garde sins begging for extravagant mercy — that we forget the family back home, the poor family, the ones we’re defending when we go out to fight.... The Church is full of the obedient wounded. The flock who never strayed have troubles of their own." Amen. And thank you.

The situation is even more apparent in countries less fortunate than our own, where being faithful can require extraordinary sacrifice. For the Synod fathers to promote a worldview that renders those sacrifices worthless, impotent, and foolish is a crushing blow. A Romanian doctor who was invited to speak to the Synod made an impassioned plea on behalf of those who stayed true to their beliefs in a time of trial:

My father was a Christian political leader, who was imprisoned by the communists for 17 years. My parents were engaged to marry, but their wedding took place 17 years later. My mother waited all those years for my father, although she didn’t even know if he was still alive. They have been heroically faithful to God and to their engagement. Their example shows that God’s grace can overcame terrible social circumstances and material poverty....The Church’s mission is to save souls. Evil, in this world, comes from sin. Not from income disparity or “climate change”....if the Catholic Church gives in to the spirit of this world, it is going to be very difficult for all the other Christians to resist it.

It is good for these voices to be heard. My vote: Thumbs up.

3. Tempest in a Teapot, or the Lettergate that Wasn't 

A lot of ink has been spilled about a private letter written by 13 (or 9) cardinals to the Pope in order to express their deep disquiet about the direction of the Synod. The letter supposedly highlighted three concerns: the faulty document that the bishops were given to whip into shape, the new Synodal process for 2015, and whether the 10-member drafting committee will ensure that the final document represents the views of all bishops, rather than just a select few.

While it's good to know that some cardinals are concerned, the contents of the letter are hardly new or breathtaking. Kvetching (in public and private) is par for the course during a synod. Whatever the letter said (since there's confusion about the actual text), it doesn't sound any more critical than the public small group reports. My vote: Meh.

4. Lights of Hope: Canonization of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin

On Sunday, October 18, Pope Francis canonized the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux, popularly known as the Little Flower. These saints of the ordinary are wonderful role models for all mothers and fathers, especially those practicing Catholics that Cardinal Dolan has reached out to support. As I wrote in my Catholic Digest article:

The Martins were not great philosophers, brave martyrs, or founders of religious orders. The most important thing they did during their lives was to create a family environment that nurtured the blossoming sainthood of their smallest child, Therese. This is what all mothers and fathers are called to do  -- to raise their children to be saints. The example of the Martins gives us hope that we can follow in their footsteps.

My vote: Thumbs up.

5. Decentralization Update: Oh noooo.....

After only a brief mention during the first week of the Synod, the issue of decentralization or "local-option Catholicism" has swelled into a chorus of howling by Church-watchers. Muddying the waters even further, Pope Francis gave a speech last Saturday on his vision of a "Synodal church." The speech stressed the ability of each one of the baptized to discern the will of God. Pope Francis also emphasized that bishops have the power to discern what problems exist in their local churches. It is less clear whether the power to discern equals the power to govern, in Pope Francis' opinion. To a certain extent, the speech reads like an argument for Church governance along the lines of a Constitutional monarchy, where the monarch -- in this case, the pope -- has no real power.

Allowing local bishops or councils of regional bishops to decide doctrine for their particular countries would quite frankly be an unmitigated disaster. As George Weigel explained:

• it defies logic and theology to suggest that "what is sacrilege in one part of the world Church ... is a font of grace in another"

• shifting political borders in embattled countries could cause shifts in doctrine

• the world is becoming smaller rather than bigger because of revolutions in communications and transportation; universality has never been easier to achieve, why throw it away? 

My vote: Thumbs down!

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Canva graphic created with image by Andreas Tille (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

Best & Worst of the Synod on the Family's First Week

Last year's Synod on the Family was a nail-biter, and this year's continuation promises to be more of the same. Rewriting it as a drama, I would cast the Synod relator Cardinal Erdö as the well-intentioned but forgettable protagonist, progressive Cardinal Kasper as a villainous modern-day Martin Luther, and Pope Francis as the mysterious mastermind who keeps us guessing until the very end. The first week of the Synod was chock full of both encouraging and disturbing moments. Here's a recap.

1. The Synod's Marching Orders are to "Martyr" a Document

The task of the 2015 Synod is to rewrite the June working document, or instrumentum laboris. Opposition to this document is so strong that one writer called it the execrable instrumentum. Synod bishops have criticized the document for its flawed theology, its overly negative perspective, its incoherent language, and its illogical structure. Cardinal Antonio Tagle of Manila, Philippines, one of the Synod's organizers, said the text “must be ready to be martyred,” and definitely needs revisions. But, as any writer knows, revisions can't fix a document that is irredeemably flawed. And edits by a committee of 270 ecclesial alpha males are unlikely to produce clarity. In my opinion, there is a real danger of "garbage in, garbage out." 

My vote: Thumbs down.

2. Pope Defends Marriage as Permanent Bond Between a Man and a Woman

In his homily during the opening Mass of the Synod, Pope Francis went back to the beginning -- to the natural marriage of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. “This is God’s dream for his beloved creation: to see it fulfilled in the loving union between a man and a woman, rejoicing in their shared journey, fruitful in their mutual gift of self,” Pope Francis said.

He also preached on Jesus' famous prohibition of divorce from the Gospel of Mark:

They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to put her away.” But Jesus said to them, “For your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one.’ So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Mk 10:4-9).

The Church's mission, according to Francis, is to defend "the unity and indissolubility of the conjugal bond as a sign of God’s grace and of the human person’s ability to love seriously." Pope Francis' words were somewhat undercut by a leaked comment by a Cardinal suggesting that the pope be "more merciful like Moses” rather than Jesus. But my money is on Francis following Jesus.

My vote: Thumbs up.

3. Cardinal Erdö Declares Communion Not Possible for Divorced and Remarried

In his role as the Synod's General Relator, Cardinal Erdö of Hungary got the first word. His opening address declared the issue of Holy Communion for the divorced and civilly remarried to be non-negotiable. The cardinal explained that divorced people whose first marriage has not been declared null by the Church are in a state of continuing adultery if they remarry. Adultery is a grave sin, and people who have committed grave sin simply cannot receive the Holy Eucharist (unless they repent in sacramental confession and resolve not to sin again). “The integration of the divorced and remarried in the life of the ecclesial community can take many forms, [but it] is different from admission to the Eucharist,” he said.

The very next day, however, Italian Archbishop Claudio Maria Celli publicly announced that “the question" of communion for the divorced and remarried "is still open.” Certainly, the Synod bishops are still discussing it. Australian Archbishop Mark Coleridge estimates that the Synod bishops are 65% against and 35% for admitting the divorced and remarried to Holy Communion. Synod General Relator Cardinal Erdö clearly cannot control the end result. But he gets points for raising the issue and stating his position as clearly, bluntly, and forcefully as possible.

My vote: Thumbs up.

4. The Church is In Danger of Decentralization

One idea for resolving contentious debates among churchmen is to move authority to the local bishops' conferences and let them decide as they will. Surprisingly, Archbishop Coleridge estimates that the Synod bishops are evenly split on the wisdom of that proposal. At first blush, this proposal flies in the face of the catholicity (meaning universality) of the Church. As Catholics have said for centuries, "Roma locuta, causa finita,"or "Rome has spoken; the matter is finished." The saying derives from statements made by St. Augustine in the fifth century, supporting the primacy of the pope over the local bishops.

The primacy of the pope to resolve disputes can be traced to the role of Peter described in the New Testament Book of the Acts of the Apostles. When people in the early Church argued over whether Gentiles could be baptized into the Christian faith, Peter reported that he had a vision from God, showing him through the Holy Spirit that the circumcised and uncircumcised should both be received without distinction (Acts 10 & 11). When the factions heard Peter speak, "they were silenced" (Acts 11:18). Peter did not leave the dispute unsettled.

Allowing local bishops' councils to decide the issue of communion for the divorced and remarried would give the Vatican's tacit approval to the German bishops' June 2014 resolution to admit the divorced and civilly remarried to Holy Communion. This resolution was passed in advance of last year's Synod despite the clear prohibitions earlier stated in the authoritative encyclicals of St. John Paul II. Decentralization would thus be a huge win for the faction led by Cardinal Kasper and an unprecedented power shift.

My vote: Thumbs down.

Stay tuned for the drama of the second week!


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Canva graphic created with image by Andreas Tille (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

Top 7 Online Resources for Divorced Catholics

In light of the upcoming World Meeting of Families and the Synod on the Family in Rome, the Catholic Church's teaching on divorce is taking center stage. Pope Francis has urged greater compassion and outreach towards those who have undergone divorce. Here are seven terrific online resources to help.

1. The USCCB web site

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops devotes several pages of its site to the topics of divorce and annulment. The Divorce FAQs and Annulment FAQs list several additional print and DVD resources, and also link to current blogposts on the subjects.

2. The Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide

One of the resources highlighted on the USCCB site is The Catholic's Divorce Survival Guide, a 12 DVD series with guide either for personal use or as a parish program. The series features Catholic authors Rose Sweet, Dr. Ray Guarendi, Christopher West, and Fr. Mitch Pacwa. The accompanying website offers helpful answers to common questions about anger, hurt, and healing. It also includes advice on helping kids through divorce, learning how to forgive, and even the best movies for cinema therapy.

3. Lisa Duffy on Catholic Match Institute

Lisa Duffy has nearly 600 posts on Catholic Match Institute, the blog of the CatholicMatch.com online dating service. Many of those posts focus on bringing healing to those who are separated or divorced. Lisa has been working in Catholic divorce ministry for decades. Her Journey of Hope program is now being used in more than 50 parishes in the United States and several parishes in Canada as well. She is a co-author of the 2007 book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? and the author of the 2015 book The Catholic Guide to Dating after Divorce. Her personal website includes podcasts and free downloads, and a special page for readers to send in their prayer requests.

4. Divorcedcatholic.com 

Vince Frese, who co-authored Divorced. Catholic. Now What? with Lisa Duffy, has a helpful website called divorcedcatholic.com. Through the website, people can order home study kits, sign up for online programs and subscribe to daily inspirational emails.

5. Catholic Divorce Ministry

The Catholic Divorce Ministry has been active since 1974. The organization "works with family-life ministries in various dioceses to help parishes reach people in the pews with workshops, programs and retreats," according to an article in the National Catholic Register.  The site has resources for catechists and leaders of peer ministries for the divorced and separated. One of its most useful features is a listing of dates and times for many different upcoming events available throughout the country.

6. DivorcedCatholicMoms.com

This site is a blog started by two women, Carina and Manya. Their blogposts cover important issues like sharing the holidays, taking children's wishes into account when splitting up household items, and seeking spiritual support through mental prayer, novenas, and the intercession of the saints.

7. Mary's Advocates

The website of Mary's Advocates contains a detailed critique of the current annulment system, based on an exhaustive analysis of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and canon law. The organization's founder, Bai Macfarlane, will be speaking at a Human Life International symposium in Rome, and her written presentation will be distributed to the bishop delegates at the October Synod on the Family. The organization's book, The Gift of Self, is meant to provide spiritual support for separated or divorced spouses who intend to stay faithful to their marriages.


If you are aware of any additional resources, please let us know in the comments below!

Top Tips for a Joy-Filled Marriage

My husband Manny and I had an awesome time last weekend giving a presentation to around 40 couples in the Archdiocese of Newark on how to live God's Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage. This great pre-Cana program covers the topics of sacramentality and sexuality, and it's chock full of quotes from Pope St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body and his book Love and Responsibility. I gave the talk on the Wedding at Cana (understandably one of my favorite Bible stories), and Manny gave the talk on the Church's definition of marriage, annulments and impediments to marriage.

As is true in any large group, there was a wide range of knowledge and interest. Not everyone had heard the story of the Wedding at Cana, and some people were more familiar with the fictitious marriage of Jesus and Mary Magdalen than the mystical marriage between Jesus and the Church. It was truly a privilege to be the first ones to introduce some of these people to the beautiful theology of Catholic marriage.

The Joy-Filled Marriage program is given several times a year, and attendees are always given the opportunity to place anonymous questions in a question box. Here are some of the most common issues and our top tips for dealing with them.

1.  The "Inter-Faith" Question

My fiance and are are of different faiths.  What problems might we encounter, and how do we have a successful inter-faith marriage?

• The biggest problems that many inter-faith couples face are celebrating holidays and passing their faith on to their children.
• Religious holidays can be celebrated at home as well as in church (or at temple). Customize your at-home celebrations to reflect aspects of both faith traditions.
• When couples get married in the Church, the Catholic spouse needs to promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith. Discuss before the wedding how that promise affects church attendance, school attendance, and participation in religious milestones like First Communion or Confirmation. Don't sweep the issue under the rug.

2.  The "Communication" Question

What are the best ways to improve our communication?

• Don't roll your eyes or slam doors.
• If you can't talk about it calmly, write it down instead.
• Never let the sun go down on your anger. Give your spouse a hug or kiss of forgiveness before bedtime, and tomorrow begin again!

3. The "First Year" Question

What was the toughest part of the first year of marriage?

• Sometimes couples with the best relationships encounter severe crises in the first year (we faced fears of infertility, death of a close family member, and the diagnosis of Manny's first brain tumor). Don't let it get you down.
• Friends might complain that you spend less time with them than before. Make it clear that your top priority is your spouse.
• You might be tempted to spend less time at work. Give in!

4.  The "Sexual Frustration" Question

If we choose to save sex for marriage, how do we deal with the unmet physical desire?

• Amp up the romance. Channel the frustration into loving, non-physical demonstrations of affection.
• Stay far away from temptation -- don't play with fire!
• If you give in, go to confession. If you give in again, go to confession again. 

5.  The "In-Law" Question

My fiance has family that get into our personal business and I feel like they influence him/her more than I do sometimes.  Am I wrong to be upset?  What can be done?

• Let your fiance know how much this bothers you. Agree to set firm but loving boundaries between you and both of  your families.
• You and your fiance can listen respectfully and thank family members for their advice, while making it clear that the final decision is between the two of you as a couple.
• Realize that what your in-laws really want in most cases is for you and your fiance to be happy.

God bless you and your marriages! If you have more questions like these, ask them in the comments or send us a private email at catholicmarriagerx@gmail.com.

What Pope Francis Meant by Divorced & Remarried Aren't Excommunicated

Untangling one of Pope Francis' public statements often resembles taking a final exam. "How many inaccurate implications can be drawn from Pope Francis' statement? Explain why they are inaccurate, referencing canon law, Church history, and prevailing cultural trends." For example, take his recent statement that divorced persons who remarry outside the Church are "by no means excommunicated." This statement probably doesn't mean what you think it means.

What Excommunication Means

Excommunication is "widely misunderstood," according to the excellent manual Catholicism for Dummies. Excommunication is different from not being permitted to receive Holy Communion. It's true that a person who is excommunicated can't receive communion. But excommunication means more than that.

According to Canon 1331, an excommunicated person is also "forbidden to have any ministerial participation in celebrating the sacrifice of the Eucharist ... [or] to exercise any ecclesiastical offices, ministries, or functions." Practically speaking, this means that an excommunicated layperson cannot function as a lector or Eucharistic Minister, explains canonist Edward Peters in his book Excommunication and the Catholic Church.

What Excommunication Doesn't Mean

Excommunication does not mean that the person is shunned. At some points in Church history, excommunicants were shunned, according to canonist Ed Peters. But that is no longer true today.

Excommunication does not mean that the person loses their Catholicism. Excommunication is a medicinal or remedial penalty meant to encourage the person to change their behavior and become restored to full communion. It can be reversed. Meanwhile, the person remains a baptized Catholic.

Excommunication does not mean that the person is barred from attending Mass. All Catholics, even the excommunicated, are required to attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation. They can listen to the readings and the homily even if they can't receive communion or exercise ministerial roles.

Who is Prohibited from Receiving Holy Communion

Excommunicants are not the only people prohibited from receiving Holy Communion. Non-Catholics cannot receive communion in a Catholic church, even if they're discerning a call to conversion. This is why many parishes have special processions at the mid-point of the Mass, when adults seeking baptism or confirmation are led out of the sanctuary while the rest of the assembly remains for the Liturgy of the Eucharist.

Someone who has not fasted from food or drink for an hour is not supposed to receive communion either. Christopher West tells a sweet story about asking his pastor for special permission at daily Mass for West's son to receive communion even though he just ate. The pastor refused, but then went on to give a fifteen or twenty minute homily. By the time the Eucharist was offered, an hour had passed since West's son had eaten and he was able to receive. That's a pastoral solution!

Anyone conscious of a mortal sin (even one as common as deliberately skipping Sunday Mass) should refrain from partaking of the Eucharist until that person has gone to confession and been absolved. In other countries, like Spain, it is far more common to see people remaining in the pew when it's time to join the communion line.

Why does everyone in the United States walk up to receive communion? This is probably a product of a Protestant culture, where the host is viewed as a symbol rather than the Real Body and Blood of Christ. But St. Paul cautioned: "whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord" (1 Cor. 11:27).

These are strong words, so strong that a Protestant friend of mine stopped receiving communion in his own church because he couldn't reconcile his personal belief about the Eucharist with what he was reading in the Bible. These words ought to have even deeper impact on Catholics who believe in the Real Presence.

Pope Francis Hasn't Said Anything New

In interpreting Pope Francis' words, it's always good to remember that the Pope is Catholic. Blogger Jen Fitz provided an excellent key to understanding the Pope's statements. He's a high-context speaker, she explained, meaning that he takes a lot for granted, including the audience's knowledge and acceptance of Catholic doctrine. In U.S. Catholic thought, there are so many dizzying trends that people who accept every word in the Catechism have to define themselves by code words like "we are faithful to the Magisterium." Pope Francis doesn't need to use code words to prove that he will abide by the Catechism.

When we parse Pope Francis' recent words on the divorced, remarried, and excommunication, we can see that he hasn't actually said anything new. Here are the accurate implications that can be drawn from his words.

Under canon law, divorced people who remarry outside the Church aren't formally excommunicated. Historically speaking, divorced and remarried American Catholics were formally excommunicated. This penalty was imposed by the Third Plenary Council of Baltimore in 1884. The penalty was removed in 1977. So Pope Francis' statement was canonically correct.

Divorced and remarried people are welcome in the Church community and at Mass. This is what Pope Francis signaled when he said, “they may live and develop their adherence to Christ and the Church with prayer, listening to God’s word, frequenting the liturgy, the Christian education of their children, charity, service to the poor and a commitment to justice and peace.” Divorce ministries have focused on integrating divorced and remarried people into the parish in this way for years.

Divorced and remarried people still cannot receive Holy Communion. This is what Pope Francis signaled when he said: "The Church is fully aware that such a situation is contrary to the Christian Sacrament." As the Catechism plainly states: "They are not separated from the Church, but they cannot receive Eucharistic communion" (CCC 1665). This prohibition does not apply to the divorced and remarried who have heroically chosen to live as brother and sister -- under these circumstances they can receive Holy Communion (CCC 1650).

We can thank Pope Francis for extending a warm welcome to a class of people who often feel rejected by the Church. But we can't jump to conclusions about what doctrine or policy he might or might not change in the future.

The Plight of a Strong Woman Looking for a Good Husband: Eve's Apple

Today I'm thrilled to join a book tour publicizing Eve's Apple, a riveting spiritual memoir written by Marie Therese Kceif, who contributed this month's post in the How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some series. First person to comment on this blogpost gets a free e-copy of Eve's Apple!

The more educated and professionally successful a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a husband, or so it often seems. Equally driven men may turn a relationship into a debilitating power struggle. But a strong woman may lose respect for a man willing to follow her lead. What's the cause of the conundrum, and what's the solution?

Those questions lie at the heart of the recent memoir Eve's Apple by Marie Therese Kceif (not the author's real name). By any standard, this former Army captain would be classified as an intense over-achiever. Her college schedule reads like a self-imposed boot camp: up at 5:00 a.m., swim practice, ROTC fitness workout, ballet class, academic classes, second swim practice with weight training, jog to work, jog back to the dorm, study, night class, and bike training. Marie explains, "It never occurred to me that I couldn't do it all. I just thought I had to try harder."

Marie's first marriage was to Jason, a man willing to take her lead and follow her from Army base to Army base as she completed flight school, ferried generals and royals around Central Europe to secret negotiations, faced hardship and ambush in Somalia, and became the first woman in the U.S. Army to command an active duty attack unit. All the while, Marie earned top evaluations and consistently ranked as the most physically fit of any soldier -- male or female -- in her training class.

Although she felt stirrings of a simple desire to be a wife and mother, Marie squelched them. Focusing on her own glory, not God's, as she explains it, Marie slowly drifted away from her husband Jason and eventually became unfaithful. Through an extramarital affair with an aggressive and driven "top gun" pilot named Cruz, Marie unexpectedly became pregnant and asked her husband for a divorce. Jason acquiesced, suffering mainly in silence.

Marie then married Cruz, a man almost opposite in personality to her first husband, and found herself in the middle of an unmitigated disaster. Because their relationship was considered to be fraternization, they were thrust out of the Army and into civilian life. Stiflingly traditional in his expectations and jealous of Marie's ability to attract job offers, Cruz attempted to dominate Marie both physically and mentally. He demeaned, belittled, and beat her, going so far as to half-strangle her on more than one occasion. In her memoir, Marie explains:

It may be hard for some, even for myself, to understand the extreme poles of power I have experienced. I went from being a commander in the attack Army Cavalry to being an abused working mother. After much thought, I believe I ended up on both ends of the spectrum because of my deep-rooted sense of needing to be self-reliant in all things. ... Self-reliance was proving itself to be an unsafe authority and a poor guide.

After a torturous saga involving women's shelters, jail time, bankruptcy, and divorce, Marie finally let go of her self-reliance and reached out to God. Praying from the depths of her soul for aid and comfort, Marie began the long journey home to Jesus' loving arms. Through answered prayers almost miraculous in their specificity, Marie found a job, a home, and a good man named Samuel.

Marie's new-found trust in God allowed her to escape from the poisonous dynamic of having to control a man or be controlled by one. With Samuel, she learned "to surrender to healthy guidance" from a man who wanted what was best for them both. She came back to her Catholic faith, received annulments of her previous marriages, and convalidated her marriage to Samuel -- a happy marriage which has now lasted for more than 10 years. Marie explains the immense difference in her relationship with Samuel:

I was used to being in charge, calling the shots, and being at the helm, even when the burden was too heavy for me. ... I was learning I could be powerful and useful without being the one in charge or in the limelight. Over time this concept has been liberating, relieving me of a burden I didn't need to carry.

Call me a troglodyte if you want, but I think there's something deep inside a woman that wants a man to take the lead. Maybe this is what the Bible means in Genesis when it says to Eve that "your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you" (Gn 3:16). Or maybe this is what St. Paul means in Ephesians when he says that the husband is the head of the wife (Eph 5:23).

But as the Holy Family shows us. being the head doesn't mean being the best. Mary was fully capable of leading the Holy Family. Both she and Joseph knew who was "better" or more "full of grace" in the eyes of God. But as a sign of her love and trust in him, Mary followed where Joseph led. There was time enough for Mary's strength to shine during Jesus' public ministry after Joseph had presumably died. During Joseph's life, Mary surrendered to what the author of Eve's Apple might call healthy husbandly guidance, and in so doing left a model for generations of strong women to emulate.

How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some, Third Time Around: Divorce & Remarriage Edition

After two failed marriages, Marie Therese Kceif found love again with her husband Samuel and faith again through the Catholic Church. A successful automotive plant manager and Army pilot who served combat time in Somalia, Marie nonetheless suffered through physical and emotional abuse, bankruptcy, and heart-wrenching divorces. She tells her poignant story in Eve's Apple, which I'll be reviewing next week (FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT ON THIS BLOGPOST WINS A FREE E-COPY)! Marie has now been happily married to her husband Samuel for 11 years.  They live in Michigan where Marie spends time writing, speaking, leading Bible studies, lectoring, teaching RCIA, gardening, sailing, hiking and bicycling.

1. How many years were you married and how many kids do you have?

I have been married 11 years to Samuel, my current husband. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage: Mitchell Dean who is 19 years old and attending college at (NMU) Northern Michigan University, and Michael John who is 17 years old and a junior in high school.

2. What three things contributed most to the break-up of your two previous marriages?

1) Living together before marriage: “A couple who does not live together prior to getting married has a 20 percent chance of being divorced within five years. If the couple has lived together beforehand, that number jumps to 49 percent.” (US Attorney Legal Services)

In both my first two marriages, I lived with my boyfriends before marrying them. This led to us having a mine vs. yours and not an ours-type attitude. Things like having separate bank accounts, bills, etc, sets in motion what the marriage commitment in the physical, mental and emotional realm will look like. It cements as a habit in the mind and heart the idea that the commitment does not have to be permanent nor self-sacrificial and can always be on a trial basis. It does not allow for a full surrender to self-sacrifice in love, but one that says, “If I don’t feel in love any more, if it is too hard for me or not fun enough, I can leave. You are expendable to me.”  The commitment of a marriage says in good times or in bad til death do we part. But if you start out with a trial marriage, you keep thinking on some level that the partners always can leave if it gets too hard.

2) Having premarital sex:  With both of my first two marriages, I also had premarital sex. This clouded my discerning process into whether the other was the right fit for me. My husband Samuel and I call it the “pink sunglass syndrome.” By saying yes with my body, but saying maybe and even perhaps no with my heart and mind, I was sending mixed signals not only to myself but to my partner.

Chastity is an “apprenticeship of self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear:either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy" (CCC 2339). Chastity creates a unity of our mind and body while dating. It allows us to be free from the physical passions and enslavement to them and therefore leaves us free to decide with a clear mind. (CCC 1603, 2338, 2340)

I did not make clear decisions in my previous relationships. Rather, after making love, I felt I had given myself bodily to these men and now needed to fully commit to them regardless if it was a good idea.

3) Not being in my Catholic faith:  In both my first two marriages, we did not go to church at all in most cases. Without being close to my faith, my conscience became dulled to right vs. wrong. Gray areas became wider, and this allowed me to be self-seeking and self-justifying instead of self-giving in love and truth.  Being far from my faith distorted what love truly is and should be and what truth is.

Jesus is Truth and Love -- in fact, He taught us that someone who truly loves would even die a horrible death from torture and would sacrifice His whole life even to death on a cross, even for those who did not return that love. I was very far from understanding that kind of love or practicing it for others because I was not around people who believed that way.  “We become who we hang around with,” I always tell my boys, because I learned this by experience the hard way.

Perhaps I even avoided the Church so that my conscience wouldn't urge me away from the gray areas. The self without guidance from God seeks what it wants for itself. I needed to die to self and live for God. The only way I could do this was by being in and around His Holy Church, the Way that He left for us to become holy.

Marriage is supposed to be the reflection of Jesus’ marriage to His Church. He gave His life for her to make her holy, and for that she respects Him. So it is in and through the Church that our marriages have the best chance to be taught and nurtured and encouraged to reflect that holy union between Jesus and his Bride.

3. What role did your faith play in your healing after divorce?

After divorce, I hit a bottom which God allowed me to find. It was good for me to have all my worldly crutches to be taken from my grasp. Then, I only had recourse to prayer. In calling out to Jesus, I found a friend who had not abandoned me in my worst time. He was faithful though I was not. He loved me though I hadn’t loved him.

When I reached out to Jesus, He started to set my feet on solid ground. I started to learn His Word through bible studies in which I made great friends who supported me and pointed me to retreats where I found answers. Jesus answered my prayers not only for my spiritual needs, but also my physical needs. I started to learn I needed to wait on God for what He knew was best for me, not forcing what I thought I wanted.  Through learning I could trust in God through faith, I started to see He was a great friend who brought me to a peace I had never known. He brought me to a surrendered holiness in the midst of uncertainty, a peace that no man could take from me, a solidity that I could count on. Faith brought me back to His holy sacraments of reconciliation where He restored, affirmed, forgave and loved me.

Faith allowed me to go back and correct many of the mistakes I had made. It led me to physical healing, when I underwent  a tubal ligation reversal. Ultimately, faith has brought me to life…life that comes only through Christ.

Without faith, I went through 2 divorces, bankruptcy, and foreclosure. I lost my career, my status, my self-respect and my respect from others. I was mired in  the confusion and insecurity of the world. With faith, I went through the healing of the annulment process, remarriage, reversal of tubal ligation, reconciliation with God and His Church through the sacraments. I was restored to belief in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, financial stability, ownership of my home, respected  status in my community, and many, many miracles in my life made possible only through faith in Jesus.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Do not live together or have premarital sex, but rather pray for discernment for what God wants for your life.  If you have already had premarital sex, go to confession and abstain, giving God your trust so that you can have clear hearts and minds to hear what God is trying to say. He will show you the right direction for your life.

Actively seek out advice and listen to holy people and to His Holy Church. Stay close to God by going to Church and mass weekly, frequent confession, be holy for your future spouse, giving them the best partner they deserve as a help for them to become holy.

Make it a habit to pray together. As Mother Teresa said, "The family that prays together stays together, and if they stay together they will love one another as God has loved each one of them. And works of love are always works of peace" - and - “Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God's gift of himself.”

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Some is similar to the advice for dating couples, actually. Make a habit to pray together. It may be awkward at first, but as time goes on it will be the mainstay of your marriage. Go to Mass or church weekly. Have good holy friends, but be comfortable spending time with just your spouse. Too much time with friends can be dangerous; a couple needs to learn how to enjoy quality time just being together. Never spend time alone with a friend who is the opposite sex. It may start out innocently, but it sparks jealousy and is not healthy for a marriage.

Try to find a volunteer or charitable activity to do together, and learn how to be joyful while doing it. For example, serving at a soup kitchen can be very rewarding. Make a date night for just the two of you at least once every other week if not weekly - it doesn’t even have to entail spending money - maybe a long bicycle ride or a walk in the neighborhood park or a museum. Actively work on pursuing your spouse so love stays fresh.

Unplug the TV. In fact, my best advice is to not have one at all. Samuel and I did not have one in our marriage and it was a great impetus simply to do things together. It also sets the tone for children when they come. On that note, set a limit to computer, Internet and game-playing time as well, as that can really have a negative effect on a marriage.

Every day, even if it’s a hard day, find something you are thankful for that he or she does for your marriage and tell them you appreciate them for it. Gratitude does wonders for a marriage and for you. Never go to sleep angry, try to at least come to some kind of civil agreement before going to sleep. Listen before speaking, and do not cut off each other in arguments. Do a daily examination of conscience; this will make you face the truth about yourself so that you can be a better spouse.

6. What's your top parenting tip for mothers and fathers going through a divorce?

Do not use children as pawns for your anger. They are the innocent ones, ones you are responsible for before God. Do not speak badly about the other parent, but rather pray for them even if it is hard. Pray for them even with the children in a positive way. The only things you say about the other parent should be positive or constructive.

Ask God to help you forgive, forget and heal for the sake of the family. Make sure you keep taking your children to church, continue to show them they are loved. Children in many divorce cases think it’s their fault; they need to be reassured that they are secure in the love of both parents. Never argue in front of them if possible. Continue to set boundaries and discipline for the children. They don't need gifts motivated by guilt, they need real love and a safe environment which includes old fashioned parenting. There can be a tendency to be too lenient, to become their friend during and after divorce. Children in the middle of a divorce do not need you to be a friend, they need you to be a parent.

What I Told My Bishop About the Synod on the Family

Last week was the final deadline to submit comments to our local bishop about the agenda for the upcoming Synod on the Family, to be reconvened this October at the Vatican. The Synod's working document, or lineamenta, asked 46 questions about the pastoral care of the family, which the laypeople of our diocese were encouraged to answer.

Not being one to keep my mouth shut, I put in my 25 cents worth even when it touched on issues of priestly formation. Because, the way I see it, nothing's more essential to evangelization of the family than the knowledge and personal holiness of the priests who proclaim it. I also included lots of practical suggestions that shouldn't take much time or effort to implement.

What do you think of my suggestions? Do you know any parishes or dioceses that already incorporate these ideas in their programs? I'd love to hear from you about ongoing efforts across the country.

**************

Your Excellency,

As a pre-Cana instructor and author of an upcoming book on Catholic marriage to be published by Ave Maria Press, I offer the following responses to the Lineamenta.

Q. 10. What is being done to demonstrate the greatness and beauty of the gift of indissolubility so as to prompt a desire to live it and strengthen it more and more? (cf. n. 14)

Most people do not undervalue the gift of indissolubility, they instead see it as an almost impossible goal far beyond their ability to achieve. This lack of hope is heightened when people’s own parents have become divorced and remarried, sometimes more than once. The most encouraging witness for these people is often the most simple – recognition masses for couples in the community who are celebrating their 25th or 50th wedding anniversaries. Masses for those who are celebrating their 10th anniversary might offer additional consolation, especially since these couples will be closer in age to the newly married or still single.

Q. 11. How can people be helped to understand that a relationship with God can assist couples in overcoming the inherent weaknesses in marital relations? (cf. n. 14) How do people bear witness to the fact that divine blessings accompany every true marriage? How do people manifest that the grace of the Sacrament sustains married couples throughout their life together?

People need to realize that a successful marriage does not depend on finding the “right person.” Every person is imperfect and many are wounded. A successful marriage depends on accepting your own faults and the faults of your beloved without ever giving up the constant struggle to overcome these weaknesses. Forgiveness can be learned in the Sacrament of Confession, which should be available whenever requested. The Sacrament of the Eucharist is a constant reminder that the one perfect person in our union, whose love is unquenchable and unending, is God.

Q. 16. What initiatives in catechesis can be developed and fostered to make known and offer assistance to persons in living the Church’s teaching on the family, above all in surmounting any possible discrepancy between what is lived and what is professed and in leading to a process of conversion?

Catechesis must begin with the priesthood. Guidelines for ongoing priestly formation could include a requirement of catechesis on the family. Monthly confession and spiritual direction could also be offered to priests. Catechesis must be rooted in heart-felt devotion and closeness to Christ. Priests could then train, oversee, or approve the activity of lay catechists. No catechetical initiative can succeed without people adequately trained to carry it out.

There are numerous excellent catechetical programs available, but there is a tendency to remain with the familiar rather than attempt improvement. Lay people and movements have a tremendous amount to offer but there is a tendency to squelch initiatives that do not originate from within the church hierarchy. This dampens zeal and halts growth. Sometimes fostering spiritual renewal is just a matter of not standing in the way of it.

Q. 20. How can people be helped to understand that no one is beyond the mercy of God? How can this truth be expressed in the Church’s pastoral activity towards families, especially those which are wounded and fragile? (cf. n. 28)

A deeply devout Spanish-speaking priest in Manhattan would shout to the overflowing number of people attending Mass – “I have helped so many couples who haven’t married in the Church yet! Come to me! I can fix this!” This joyful offer of convalidation acknowledged the truth of the situation and placed no barriers to the immediate resolution of the problem. Parish bulletins could include weekly announcements that convalidation is available. Parish offices and web sites could develop one-page fact sheets on the basics of divorce, annulment, and convalidation, with numbers to call in order to take the next step.

Q. 28. How is marriage preparation proposed in order to highlight the vocation and mission of the family according to faith in Jesus Christ? Is it proposed as an authentic ecclesial experience? How can it be renewed and improved?

Marriage prep is often overwhelmingly secular, because of deficiencies in the program, the administrators, the instructors, or all three. Engaged couples could receive better secular preparation (e.g., on work, communication, or finances) from a secular source. Receiving a second-rate secular preparation from a religious source demeans the core competence of Mother Church as a spiritual teacher. Pre-Cana should in fact be an authentic ecclesial experience, and too often it is not. At a minimum, Mass should always be included as part of the program. Opportunity for confession should also be available.

Q. 31. The pastoral accompaniment of couples in the initial years of family life — as observed in synodal discussion — needs further development. What are the most significant initiatives already being undertaken? What elements need further development in parishes, dioceses or associations and movements?

Some simple ways to accompany couples in the initial years of their marriage include: sending anniversary cards, offering blessings to all couples in the first year of marriage at a designated Mass each month, personally inviting these couples (and their children) to carry up the gifts at Mass and listing their names in the bulletin, and offering an annual day or evening of follow-up post-Cana instruction with free babysitting. All of this would of course depend on an organized system of creating and maintaining a database of couples married or registered in the parish.

  

Yours in Christ,

Karee Santos
Parishioner of St. Joseph Church, Garden City
Founder of Can We Cana? A Community to Support Catholic Marriages 

Photograph by Andreas Tille (Own work) [GFDL or CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons