Winning Essay on Mercy as Lifelong Married Love in Sickness and in Health

With this moving tribute to her grandparents' lifelong married love, tenth-grader Allyson Swartzberg won second place in the Jubilee of Mercy Essay Contest sponsored by the Department of Catholic Studies at Seton Hall University. I'm proud to know Allyson and her parents, Pam and Mark!

When most people hear the word “sick”, they experience many emotions, including sadness, sympathy, and compassion. Sometimes sickness even causes us to be patronizing. Because of my grandparents, those are emotions I no longer feel when I think about visiting the sick. My grandfather, Jim, was an amazing man, perhaps the best man I’ll ever meet. For as long as I can remember, my grandpa had Alzheimers disease. I’ve heard it said time and time again that when someone has Alzheimers, he becomes a different person. In my experience, the opposite is true. When I think of Alzheimers, I will always think of love, mercy, and compassion, and that’s all thanks to my grandma and grandpa.

My grandmother, Diva, cared for her husband at home as long as she could. When that was no longer possible and he moved to a nursing home, my grandma went to be with my grandpa every day. She never once complained that he had forgotten her, nor did she ever decide to stay home and let someone else take care of him simply because it was easier for her. She could just as easily have let the nurses care for him in her stead, but she wouldn’t dream of it. Diva would go and feed my grandpa, even if it took hours. I remember days that my mom would take me to see my grandfather at the nursing home, only to find my grandma leading my grandpa in a slow dance, just as he had once led her. She was never impatient with him, nor was she spending time with him out of pity or to give herself a sense of fulfilling her duties. My grandma went, not out of duty, but because she wanted to be with him. Up until my grandpa’s death, Diva and Jim were the definition of “relationship goals”.

I may have been young when my grandfather passed, but when I think of love, Jim and Diva are the first people that come to mind. Love is selfless, it is entirely self giving, and that is what my grandparents had. From the first time I watched my grandma care for my grandpa, I knew without a doubt what it meant to love someone completely. I learned that love isn’t jealous. It isn’t self serving, nor is it a give and take. True love for others is a complete and total giving of oneself, without worry about what you may or may not receive in return. When you put someone else’s needs before your own, you free yourself from the pain of expectation.

My grandpa spent his life helping others, first as a helicopter pilot in the army and later as a working father of five and loving husband. Not once did my grandpa ask what he would get in return for his support and charity, and because of his selfless love, he was anything but alone at the time when he was most vulnerable. For the years that he was totally dependent on others because of his disease, he didn’t need to rely on paid caregivers to nurse him through the pain; everywhere he turned, there was another family member or friend waiting to help him. He never asked for anyone’s help, but because he had been so loving and selfless to others, he found himself surrounded by compassion, kindness, and tender care.

My grandparents have shown me what mercy really is; love for your neighbor. To show mercy to another is to love another, regardless of whether you’ve known the person for a day or a decade. When you truly love someone, you care not about what you might get, but rather what you might have the chance to give. Jim and Diva showed me what I could only dream was real; they showed me that true love does exist. I know now that true love isn’t just something you see in the movies and that it can exist between more than just a “cute couple”. True love is the ability to know that you may get nothing in return, and still want to give all that you have to another, whether he be a stranger or someone you’ve known all your life. Mercy is love, and if we all show mercy, we can change the world.

Why I Stand With the 15% of Catholics Who Believe Contraception is Immoral

Today, I welcome Bette Russo, a good friend who just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary last year, to talk about why she stands with the 15% of Catholics who believe contraception is immoral. After receiving her Master's of Science in Education from Hunter College, Bette taught in NYC elementary schools before having her first child. Her daughters Kristin and Liz have both contributed to the blog before!

Artificial birth control (i.e., contraceptives) is a major moral issue even though only a small number of Catholics (15%) and only 6% of non-Catholics agree with the Church's view of contraception as morally wrong. My husband and I are two of those 15% of Catholics who fully agree with our Church’s teaching and have never used contraceptives. We’re married 51 years with 7 children and 33 grandchildren.

I believe that natural law (& God’s law) views the primary purpose of sex to be procreation. The pleasure a couple experiences with sexual intercourse is an additional blessing from God which also strengthens the love between a husband and wife, as well as mutual respect and a bond of intimacy, all of which strengthen the family setting required to nurture and raise children.

The basic purpose of sex is clearly procreation. God’s gifts to the husband and wife of pleasure and intimacy in intercourse should not be violated or abused by preventing unnaturally the primary purpose of procreation. This has been the clear teaching of the Catholic Church for 2000 years and indeed has been the teaching of most Protestant churches until about 1930. The Church’s first Council of Nicea (325 AD) proclaimed this, as did Augustine in 419 AD. Christian leaders such as Martin Luther, John Wesley and John Calvin all stated the same view as the Catholic Church describing the evil nature of contraception.

After having 6 children by age 33, we decided to use Natural Family Planning (NFP). The techniques of NFP are pretty clear and straightforward, but I must admit we occasionally chose to “take a chance” at a time fertility was possible. And so, yes, we had a 7th child, who now himself has 3 kids of his own. And, in all candor, we could not be happier having this wonderful son and his family, who would not exist if we had not “taken a chance.” But our experience with NFP was that it was very, very reliable. Of course, it meant abstaining from sexual activity for about a week every month. How terrible!

But NFP, in our view, is as reliable, and possibly more reliable, than the use of artificial contraceptives. It involves the use of several bodily signs given by nature to a woman to recognize the few days each month during which the chances for conception to occur are indeed quite high, with most other days having chances that are very, very low.

When we got married in 1964, divorce rates were half what they are today. Without question, divorce has serious adverse impacts on the children of such couples. Several studies show a significant correlation between high divorce rates and artificial contraceptive use, while NFP couples have far lower divorce rates.

Contraception has obviously promoted “free love” behavior and other sexual behavior that violates marital fidelity. Women who use NFP, studies have shown, more often have happier marriages, have higher rates of marital relations, have a deeper intimacy  with their husbands, are personally happier, are more religious and attend church more often, are less likely to have an abortion, less likely to have cohabited and less likely to have sex outside of marriage. This greatly benefits not only the couple, but their children and society as well.

Since the continuation of the human race depends on procreation, God clearly intended sexual activity to be viewed as something special, combining love, pleasure and procreation in a special set of actions by married couples intended to also positively affect the raising of children by a loving and caring mother and father.

A Pornographic Culture (Part II): How to Protect Against the Damage to Intimacy

This is the second and final part of an essay on pornography by Amanda Zurface, a licensed canon lawyer working as the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes, a company committed to Internet accountability and filtering. To read the first part, click here.

Porn Harms Souls and Damages Intimacy

You have now seen how pornography is feeding and affecting our culture, as well as the direct impact it is having on our marginalized brothers and sisters in the sex worker industry. The next question is how does the Pornographic Culture impact those who view or use porn. If you use porn, ask yourselves: How does an addiction to pornography impact your vocational discernment? How does it impact your marriage? How it is impacting the development of your children? How is it impacting your participation at Mass, the Sacraments, and your involvement in your parish community?

To answer these questions, we must talk about sin. The struggles that are involved with pornography are sinful, and often times the activity is very serious sin, known as mortal sin. That’s right, no consumption of pornography can be justified. You have been lied to when you have been told that it’s not sinful or harmful to use pornography in certain circumstances. Some may have told you that it’s OK to use pornography as a form of therapy; that pornography can be a helpful aid in sexual development; or it can be helpful with intimacy between you and your spouse. You are owed an apology if you have ever been told one of these lies. Pornography is always sinful.

With any earthly pleasures that may degenerate into sin, we all know well that they are quickly accompanied by sadness, regret, guilt, deep pain and loneliness. This is especially the case when it comes to sins against the gift of our human sexuality and the misusing of our sexuality. As consumption of pornography grows, men and women begin to lie and cover up their pornography usage, domestic violence and child abuse can begin to occur, families fall apart from the many effects and hardships pornography brings into the family, crime may become an issue -- the list goes on and on. To put it simply, pornography turns us in on ourselves, it suffocates our vocations, it deadens our hearts to spiritual things and God and damages human relationships, and it erodes the family. 

The first to feel the violence of pornography use is always the spouse if the person is married. If the married couple has children, the next to feel its effects are the children. By the presence of pornography, intimacy is taken out of that household. Bishop Loverde says: “The use of pornography damages the very human qualities that make intimacy possible…” 

For more information on how pornography directly impacts one’s marriage, what are the effects of those who give their bodies as objects, particularly women, how it has impacted and accelerated the notion of free sex, and the connection to homosexuality and experimenting with one’s sexuality, I encourage you to visit www.covenanteyes.com and www.integrityrestored.com.

We Can Protect Ourselves Against Porn

To quit viewing pornographic images is difficult, and it is especially difficult when you don’t know where to start. Or, if you’re seeking to protect your marriage and family from the culture’s effects, including protecting your children online, you might be wondering where to start. Here are a few tips!

• Read the United States Catholic Bishops, Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography.
• Set yourself up with the Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability and Filtering Software.
• If you have an addiction to pornography or other sexual addictions, frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but also seek out spiritual direction. Through spiritual direction and confession, you may consider the benefit of seeking out a professional therapist.
• Your children need you to guide them. Have ongoing healthy and God-centered conversations about sexual temptations and what it is they see and do online. Educate yourself with the free e-book Parenting the Internet Generation.
• Renew your commitment to your spouse before God. Pray as a family. Pray the rosary and entrust your family to care of St. Joseph.
• Keep the Sabbath holy. Go to Mass every Sunday and daily, if you can.
• Learn about Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.
• Admit you are wrong and need to change. Seek to develop deep and authentic friendships.
• Find one or two faithful Catholic friends who can hold you accountable for living your faith.
• Fast and if necessary, discontinue your cable and Internet subscription. Avoid movies and TV shows that objectify the human body. It’s not worth it!
• Pray for the victims of the pornography and human trafficking industry.

Each human being is unique and unrepeatable. Each one of us was created for perfect love. God wants infinitely more for us than what a Pornographic Culture has to offer us. Remember, in our weaknesses, he always offers his mercy, compassion and grace to persevere to overcome obstacles that keep us from fully loving Him and our brothers and sisters. So, here’s the last pointer, don’t give up! Trust in the Divine Mercy of Jesus Christ.

This article was originally printed in Our Northland Diocese. It is lightly edited and reprinted here with permission.

A Pornographic Culture (Part I): We Are Being "Groomed" For It

I am honored to feature an incisive two-part essay on pornography by Amanda Zurface, J.C.L., the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is a company committed to Internet accountability and filtering, providing powerful weapons against the electronic encroachment of porn. Amanda Zurface is a licensed canon lawyer with undergraduate degrees in Catholic Theology and Social Justice. 

Our Culture is Grooming Our Appetite for Porn

We all know it’s there and probably have some idea of how we could access “it.” Yes, pornography. Although porn affects some of us more directly, there’s no doubt that porn is a problem impacting all of us, and it’s not going away anytime soon. Pornography has formed the culture we now live in - a “Pornographic Culture.” No one person can separate himself or herself from the scourge of pornography and then declare the battle won. Porn has created a culture of its own and this culture is influencing each one of us spiritually, physically, emotionally, and relationally – though to a greater or lesser extent depending on if we directly participate in the use of pornography. There are immense moral, social, and spiritual dangers.

Here’s a clear example of the Pornographic Culture in the works. The movies and television we watch, even our state and national laws, and our public schools now tell us how and what to think about in regard to our sexuality. Their main message: human sexuality has no God-given purpose. Society – the Pornographic Culture – says we can use our sexuality however we feel. And, guess what? It will have no consequences! Wrong! But, this is the message of the Pornographic Culture itself. That is, do what you want, how you want, when you want, and at the cost of the dignity of the human person, at the cost of betraying God’s design and purpose for the sexual act, at the cost of your marriage and family, your child’s innocence, your priestly or religious vows, and so on.

Author Kristen Clark, writing on the topic 5 Ways Our Culture is Grooming Your Daughter for Porn for Covenant Eyes, shares this: “Whether your daughter is seven years old or seventeen, our culture is grooming her for an appetite for pornography.”  Clark is speaking directly about our daughters, but this is also the case for all of us. Society is grooming girls and boys, men and women in a way that all of us may acquire an appetite for porn and even begins to lead us down a path of dehumanization. It may be subtle on some occasions, but it's happening and it has been happening. With every “sex scene” we innocently watch at the movie theatre to the advertisements we see in magazines and at the malls, romance novels we read, nude images we accidentally come across on social media, Clark expresses, "we are slowly becoming desensitized and our conscience and sensitivity to purity and morality is weakened and our view of sex is being watered down. We are one step closer to viewing porn as a harmless pleasure.”

The Porn Industry Unjustly Targets and Victimizes the Most Vulnerable

Pornography currently occupies over 12% of the Internet, with 25 million sites today, making $5 billion in profit a year. Those who work for the pornography industry are typically pulled into it by the promise of money that can be made easily and without an education, references, or prior experience. This industry doesn’t discriminate, and it targets the most vulnerable: the poor, the abused and marginalized, and even children. This probably doesn’t sound like the job market we’re used too, does it?

In his Pastoral Letter titled Bought with a Price, Bishop Paul Loverde of Arlington, Virginia, explains that the porn industry's “exploitation of the weak is gravely sinful. Whether need, confusion, or alienation leads men and women to become pornographic objects, their choice to do so certainly cannot be seen as free.” It is becoming increasingly known that more of the “workers” or more appropriately, the “victims,” are younger girls, sometimes they are even children. This is another example of what a Pornographic Culture looks like. The vulnerable are taken advantage of, dehumanized, and innocence is destroyed for profit: all acts of violence.

Further, it is becoming more apparent that there are critical links between the use of pornography and the prevalence of sex trafficking. A free e-book from Covenant Eyes, called Stop the Demand: The Role of Porn in Sex Trafficking addresses the connection between pornography and human trafficking: “A key ingredient to the success of commercial sex is the belief that people—women and children especially—are sexual commodities, and Internet pornography is the ideal vehicle to teach and train this belief.” Pornography destroys the lives of those depicted in porn, as well as the intended audience. While human trafficking – a consequence of pornography - may seem like an issue that has little to zero impact on our own community, we need to think again. Our own communities may be corridors for human trafficking.

This article was originally printed in Our Northland Diocese. It is lightly edited and reprinted here with permission.

Give Up Selfishness in Your Marriage for Lent

Since Lent began yesterday with Ash Wednesday, I'm interrupting the monthly series of Marriage Rx advice columns for this guest post from Colin Corcoran of The Catholic Husband. Colin makes an excellent suggestion for growing closer to your spouse this Lent.

To understand what marriage is – we must first understand what it is not: It is not dependent on romantic love, it is not dependent on your spouse doing their fair share, it is not dependent on your spouse not making mistakes – even grave ones that wound you deeply.

What marriage is about: a vow you took before God when you bestowed freely the sacrament of Marriage on your spouse and gave yourself to her in service until your death, marriage is about forgiveness, marriage is about loving even when that love is not returned, marriage is about remaining faithful even when your spouse is not, marriage is about doing whatever is best for your spouse instead of what you think is best for you, marriage is about putting your spouse above everything else save God in your life.

By now you are likely angry. Obviously, you have not stopped reading. Let me explain as Jesus did in the beatitudes – to become first, we must make ourselves last; To become the master, we must become the slave.

What that means in practical terms is that marriage is not about YOU. It is a vow of perpetual service, and when that vow is practiced by both parties simultaneously unfathomable joy and love bloom like roses in the desert. You should also be realistic and understand that any marriage will have it’s ups and downs – some very severe. In order to achieve those joys one must often endure hardship and even sorrow with dignity and commitment. There will be times when nothing but your commitment to your promise and Christ himself carry you in your marriage.

Let your marriage be a reflection of the Love of Christ for humanity. For if you cannot love your wife, how can you hope to love God, much less the world.

Your impediment to doing this is SELFISHNESS. For Lent, please consider giving it up in your marriage and see the difference it can make in 40 days. Then stop and imagine the difference it can make over a lifetime.

Pax Christi,


Colin


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Staying Faithful Despite Divorce (Guest Post)

Today, we welcome Linda George, a Catholic home-schooling mom of seven, whose husband divorced her after 17 years of marriage. Linda has made the choice to stay faithful to her marriage vows despite the civil divorce and regardless of the possibility of reconciliation with her husband. Here, she explains why and how she lives as she does.

Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn in a direction that was totally unforeseen to those involved.  Such was the case for my children and me back in June of 2007.  It was a year of surprises, but not the type of surprises that are received with joy and contentment.  No this was more of a thunderbolt that leaves a permanent mark on you and your family forever.  It is the evil consequences and results surrounding the end of a marriage.

Of course, if I could have repaired and restored our lives to what they had been prior to this dark time, I would have done almost anything within my human ability.  After all the role of a mother is to protect her children from the dangers that exist within our world. From a Catholic perspective we are to teach our children how to be Godly, caring, and Christ-like members of society, living virtuous lives.  Our hope as Catholic parents is to raise the next generation of saints and to teach our children to live as Christ did. The family is the most basic fundamental part of society and a broken family has a different impact on society.

After our lives were catapulted into uncharted territory nothing was the same anymore.  No event in the lives of my children would be comparable to the way things used to be.  We would never be able to do things as we had done before.  How could they be the same if there was a parent missing from their daily life?  There was no longer a father in our home.  As a result there would be none of our typical family dinners, or holidays, or vacations with their dad by my side.  We would no longer attend Mass as a family.  The milestones in the lives of my children were now marked with a permanent change.

At one point there was absolute uncertainty in every area of our lives.  Suddenly there was no longer a predictable direction for our family, the plans my husband and I had laid out together for our family had been shifted. There were so many unknowns. Thankfully, however there was one aspect of my life that I did have control over and that was my marital covenant.  I had a “safety net” so to speak because of our Catholic teaching on the indissolubility of marriage.  Although courts were deciding our fate in so many areas of our lives this was something that I could decide.  It was attainable by simply making a decision to continue to live as a married person after my civil marriage ended.  It was what the church had defined for us under the sacrament of marriage and this teaching became my safety net.

I was and am so grateful to God for giving my children and me a safe refuge to begin to restore the brokenness within our lives.  Living in a married state after a civil divorce and allowing Jesus to work on fixing me from the inside was the beginning of a healing process.  I am deeply moved by what God has done for us as a family and how He has made much good come from so much suffering and pain. Thank you, Lord, for loving me as your spouse and for caring for my children as a parent does.

Sacramentally Yours

On Sunday May 17th, 2015, while I was praying at the end of the Divine Liturgy, the words “Sacramentally Yours” came to me.  It is my belief that these words were divinely inspired and were to be used in connection with a religious order within our Catholic Church -- a third order community founded for those in our faith who have kept their marital covenant after a civil divorce.

As Catholics, our teachings on marriage are so beautiful and lasting. Unfortunately, due to circumstances outside of our control many of us find ourselves in a situation we never imagined possible.  Families in the world are under attack and divorce is a destruction that is shaking the foundation and stability of families from the inside.  However, having hope in the midst of the darkness and ugliness of divorce for any that remain “sacramentally married” to Christ, the third person in the sacrament, we are given the graces and strength needed to endure the suffering and turmoil surrounding divorce.  By embracing the church teaching, we have been given a framework that supports our values and morals.  For those of us in these situations, creating an order where we can live a chaste and consecrated religious life would be a blessing in so many ways.  The mission of this order would be to pray for the families in crisis and to restore hope and love to the hearts of all of the families who are suffering through the painful results of divorce. The broken praying for the broken and giving each other hope.

Although the scars from divorce can last a lifetime, God in his mercy has restored my children and our family.  God became the father of our children and our family became whole again.  I believe that the blessing that Christ gave to our family was a result of continuing to live within my marriage vows.  I am deeply grateful that under the umbrella of our church I found a serenity and peace that was beyond my human understanding.  Through many hours of prayer, I began to understand and learn that Christ could fill the voids that existed in the spiritual dimension of a broken marriage.  As I mourned the death of my marriage, I began to feel in a very real way the glory of God.  It is my hope that by spreading a renewed awareness of an existing doctrine, we can share the healing and peace that our family found with many others.

My circumstances may not be much different from those of many who find themselves in a situation that was completely unexpected.  My husband and I were married for 17 years and had seven children together. We were a Catholic homeschooling family who was heavily involved in our church and community. As you can imagine, his desire to end the marriage and leave our family was not something for which I had prepared.  My children and I were faced with immeasurable uncertainty and grief.

Although it was painful for me as a spouse, my own suffering was outweighed by care for my children.  How could I make their lives better?  What could I do at this moment to decrease their suffering and, most of all, how could I continue to teach that marriage is for life? I wanted to bring peace into my home in the midst of my children's heartache. Thankfully, our Catholic doctrine on Sacramental marriage gave my children and myself a safe refuge and peace.  The kids began asking so many questions about marriage and divorce, since my older children had been taught about their sacraments.  They knew that marriage in the eyes of God and in our church was for life. I had no idea at the time how blessed and how many graces the kids and I would receive from this choice back then. Since then, I have been able to teach the children more about living out my marital commitment in the absence of a spouse. Christ is still in the center of the sacrament and can still bless us. We know as Catholics that the sacrament of marriage is so sacred that a civil court does not dissolve this union with Christ.  This union is still in existence for us to prayerfully embrace.

Meditations of a Young Priest

My grandfather was a Methodist minister, so I have a soft spot in my heart for the priesthood. In a very real way, young priests are the hope of the future. They give us hope that as parents we can raise our children to serve a goal bigger than themselves. They give us hope that the Church, as a Mother, is doing something right by raising up enthusiastic and dedicated spiritual children. Following is a guest post from a young priest meditating on the well-known parable of the talents from the Gospel of Matthew (25:14-30).

There will come a point in all of our lives, where we are confronted with a challenge which we think is far beyond our abilities. Whether it’s our coach, our boss, our parents, our children – we are asked to do something which we can’t imagine we’ll ever succeed at doing. The first few times I had to speak publicly – I did anything I could to get out of it. In some ways we’re humble, recognizing we have our limits, or maybe we’re too afraid of embarrassing ourselves, but it’s easy to refuse a challenge which seems beyond us. This challenge often lifts us to a higher level though – if we succeed we are amazed at how we can impress even ourselves. And if we fail, we can still be impressed by how well we did, despite our falling short.

Today, we hear the words of the master “You wicked, lazy servant,” and perhaps we think he’s being a bit harsh. Here’s a servant, pretty much a household slave, being given one talent – which at that time was the equivalent of maybe 15 years wages. So imagine being as unskilled in investments as someone like me, and being handed all that money. Maybe it’s understandable that he was afraid to do anything with it. Maybe there’s an honesty in admitting he wasn’t up for the challenge. But what does the master say – “Should you not then have put my money in the bank so that I could have got it back with interest on my return?” The money could have made a profit itself, not requiring him to take a risk by trusting his abilities.

Now I don’t think our Lord is worried about us turning a profit on our investments. We too, however, have been given a great gift like the servant, the value of which is far beyond anything we have or can ever have. We have been entrusted with Jesus Christ. God gave His Son to die for us, to live in each of us, that we may share in his resurrection. We don’t deserve it, and it’s certainly beyond anything on this earth in value, and we’re told to make good use of it. So what do we do?

Well, if we’re being honest, our instinct is most likely to bury it in the same way. Because it is so intimidating, it is a task which seems impossible. We are asked to be like Christ – to empty ourselves of all selfishness, to control all of our desires perfectly, to live only for others and never for ourselves. Thank you Lord for thinking so highly of me, but I think this challenge is a bit too much. And this is very much what the world will tell you. Being a Christian is too difficult, it denies our human nature, it makes us give up what we want and will only make us frustrated and miserable. The culture we live in will tell us to settle for mediocrity – everybody does this sin, everybody does that sin, to expect to do better is unrealistic. God loves us even though we’re imperfect, so we’ll just leave it at that. But to quote G.K. Chesterton, and if you haven’t picked up on this yet he’s a personal favorite – “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult, and left untried.”

The world will point at the young pregnant woman and tell her it’s too difficult to have a child, she has to give up too much, it will crush her future hopes. The world will tell the young unmarried couple to surrender to their carnal desires and give up on trying for chastity. The world will tell all of us to take the easy way, to settle for a life lived for money and pleasure and comfort, because that’s the best we can do. The world has given up on the Christian ideal, it has given up on the fairytale ending – because it believes it’s unrealistic to expect people to live what the Church teaches, it is unrealistic that we could all be saints.

But the gift we have been given, it accrues interest, more interest than we could ever use. Our faith, the life of Jesus Christ in us, is the most powerful force in the world, it can make us saints! But we must let it, we can’t bury it. We can’t abandon hope of ever succeeding, because that is not humility, it is doubt of God’s power. While the world will seek to keep us down, our faith tells us – we are more than that!

Our faith tells the young mother that she holds in her womb a human life, and bringing that life into the world will be a heroic act of love which she is capable of and will bring her endless joy. Our faith tells the young girl she can meet her gallant prince, and the young man that he can find his pure princess, that sexuality is sacred and something which will bring the greatest joy when shared in the intimacy of a marriage. And our faith tells all of us, that we can live for more than ourselves and our comfort, that we can be different, that we can break the mold we’ve been given and prove to the world that there is something more. The world has rejected these ideals, even though they will make us far happier, because they require us to surrender to God. To allow Him to guide our lives, and move us in ways we are not prepared to move and which may make us uncomfortable.

Our faith tells us, that we can be heroes, if only we believe God can do it.

As we approach the altar today, we will receive that great gift, that talent which has a value beyond measure, our Lord’s Body Blood Soul and Divinity in the most Holy Eucharist. Let’s not bury him and settle back into our spiritual ruts. Let’s let him transform us, make us into heroes. Let’s reevaluate our lives – how much of my time and talents do I bury in the internet and TV and gadgets, rather than dedicating myself to prayer and learning about my faith and serving others. In what ways have I looked over a sin as something unavoidable, as something which is impossible to overcome – rather than seek every day to root it out. We should wake up every morning on fire, burning with the desire to be heroic, to be a saint – not because we’re great, because our God is great and he’s the one who’s doing the work. Let us prove to the world that there is something more to live for - that life is beautiful and epic when our lives are defined by that drama of our faith.



Photograph By Matthias Ulrich. The original uploader was Matteo3000 at German Wikipedia (selber fotografiert) [CC BY-SA 2.0 de], via Wikimedia Commons

Why NFP is Great for Men, Too

This month's guest blogger on Natural Family Planning is more forthright and funny about sexuality than I usually am, and this difference in perspective is exactly what makes him such a terrific guest! Meet Daniel Stewart, aka Daniel Bearman, who describes himself as "a Catholic dad from the deep south who loves ultramarathons, okra, books, tattoos, beer, and Jesus." He blogs here and his wife Haley blogs at the well-known Carrots for Michaelmas. Enjoy!

I thought I’d jump in here and list a few things I like about NFP. Obviously, this is all from my experience so I’m not speaking for or to every man ever. But it's a fun list!

1. NFP doesn’t make fertility a “women’s problem.” Obviously, it takes two to tango. And it takes two to have sex and make a baby (See what I did there? You thought I was just going to use a weird euphemism for sex but then I just went ahead and said “sex”). But, more than that, fertility isn’t just something women need to worry about. As a man, I’m like, a good 50% of the equation here. Maybe even more because my fertility is pretty constant. Whatever the percentage, my wife and I are in this together. And NFP is a recognition of that. We abstain together and we work together to understand and plan our sex life.

2. I get to understand what’s going on with my wife’s body. I remember three things from my sex ed class in 10th grade: they passed around a set of rubber testicles (I can’t remember why), they showed us the horrible aftermath of sexually transmitted diseases, and the girls and guys were completely separated the entire time. I’m sure our segregation had something to do with the rubber testicles and was probably a wise decision. But this style of sex ed also set the tone for the way most men approach fertility. “What did the girls learn in the other room? What mysteries were revealed? I have no idea! But I’m certain they did more than pass around rubber organs. WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! There’s no way for us males to find out. We were in THIS room with the pictures of STDs!”  But now I CAN find out. The door has been opened! I can read up on types of NFP or just talk with my wife about what’s going on with her and her cycle. I still avoid the word “ovulating” but I’ll grow up someday.

3. I get to support my wife in this (big) part of our relationship. When my wife was on the pill, I always felt like that was kind of her thing. What could I do? Tell her “good job” for taking a pill? Remind her in a patronizing way? But, with NFP, I feel more connected with my wife because we’re both involved. I mean, I don’t chart for her. But I’m still involved in both understanding our fertility and abstaining when it’s necessary. As for the whole charting thing, my wife applies a lot of effort to that and does a great job. So I get to support and encourage her in this. I’ll admit, that’s something I don’t do enough of. Sorry!

4. Sex without contraceptives is better. I mean this in both a narrow sense and a broader sense. Sex with condoms is… not that great. At least, not compared to sex without them. Any guy who has had sex both with and without condoms knows this. But I don’t think we’re supposed to talk about it because this would somehow support “unsafe sex.” I don’t promote unsafe sex, of course. I actually promote the safest sex of all, the sex that takes place within a monogamous relationship. But if Outkast won’t talk about how much better sex is without condoms, I guess I shouldn’t either. There’s also other practicals like how chemical birth control affects hormones. Surprise! Hormones are important! Other issues impact all of this too. But, without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that our sex life is a lot more awesome now than it was when we used birth control. Now, more broadly, sex without contraceptives involves a complete view of sex that is more satisfying and unifying. I’ve written about this before on this post for my wife’s blog.

So, if you’re a man, don’t be scared of NFP. There are plenty of things in the upside column. And, hey!, no one is going to make you hold rubber testicles.

Sex, Intimacy, and NFP

This month's Natural Family Planning post is written by Colin Corcoran of The Catholic Husband: 23 Years Happily Married and Counting. Colin explains how he reacted when his wife converted to Catholicism and then dropped the bombshell -- she wanted to stop using artificial birth control. Want to raise the question with your spouse? Show them this post and ask them what they think. At the least, it'll jump start a difficult but important conversation.

I’m well aware this is a topic nobody really wants to talk about. We would be happier to just pretend it didn’t exist and go on our merry way. None of this changes the fact that I feel compelled to write about it today, and it’s a post that I have been stewing over for some time now. You’re probably telling yourself this doesn’t apply to you or your marriage, or that you and your wife have a mutual understanding. The hard truth is what you really might have is a mutual desire to avoid a deeply emotional subject which could potentially ignite a conflict if even mentioned. If after you read my story you find yourself feeling differently, consider letting your wife know that you’ve been reconsidering any prior decision on artificial birth control. This opens the door for a conversation if she senses you are sincere and would like the opportunity to revise the way things are. Heck, you might even let her read this just to get her reaction.

If there was a single word that could garner immediate interest and make your blood boil “SEX” would be it, whether with anger, fear, indignation, trepidation, anticipation, or some variety of other powerful and inflammatory emotions. I think that’s why it has such a potent effect on our relationships with our spouses. On one side it is a driving biological imperative and at the same time an emotional one. Sex is a wondrous construct, with the power to do far more than provide pleasure. It is also a conduit to intimacy, and when in the right context with the right person, a deeply bonding experience.

This was something I missed for the longest time. I think everyone notices that sex changes everything in a relationship. This is especially true in a marriage. I may find myself on a cracked and skinny limb here, but after over 20 years of marriage I discovered  a few things – some of them far more recently than I should have and this is one of them.

During my wife’s conversion to Catholicism she decided she needed to talk to me. It was obviously important to her; as she let me know in advance and very carefully selected a time and place to drop the bombshell. “I want to talk to you about stopping the artificial birth control”, she said. You could have knocked me over with a feather. If you’d asked me, I would have said everything was great! We had two children and were thinking maybe of having some more, but not that instant. I was taken aback. This would change everything, and change it far more than I realized at the time. It seems she had already talked to the priest about it and read up on what the Catechism had to say on the matter. It wasn’t an ultimatum, and she made it clear that she would not go forward without my agreement to do it. She wanted my consent and for me to take a little time to honestly evaluate the situation in order to give it.

That made things hard – no confrontation, no defiance, no excuse to react in any other way than to agree to look at it and give it some real thought. You might think I would have brushed it off, but I didn’t. Actually, it ate at me and gnawed continuously on my conscience. She provided me the sections of the Catechism relevant to the subject as well as Humanae Vitae and some other materials on NFP. I stuck to the actual church materials and avoided other people's interpretations of them. To this end, I actually read several of the talks that comprised Pope John Paul II's “Theology of the Body”.

In the end I stewed and fretted, not just about the moral implications, but also about how it was going to affect me. Selfishness reared its ugly head early on and guided my “gut” reaction to help ensure the outcome it favored. One of the most important steps we took was to take a class on NFP. I only thought I understood a woman’s body and her natural cycles and rhythms. What I discovered was that I knew more about the inner workings of a nuclear reactor than I did about the inner workings of a woman. We went through the class and spent a few months tracking her cycle. It was something we did together, and it was actually both intimate and interesting. By the end of second month I started to realize just how much I hadn’t understood.

In the end I wholeheartedly agreed, without reservation, to end the artificial contraception for many reasons,  including the following:

I was not willing ask another person to commit mortal sin with me or for me, so that I could enjoy marital relations without reproductive implications. It was not worth the increased cancer risks and other assorted health implications, including decreased libido and increased stroke risk, for my wife to take those pills. When I thought about it objectively, what I was doing was putting my wife’s health at risk so that I could have my way with her without fear of impregnation. Essentially, the pill turned her from a human partner into a receptacle for my sexual angst, whether or not that was ever my intention. What’s worse, I had learned that most pills are abortive. Many work by causing a spontaneous abortion or failed implantation when the prevention of ovulation fails. A condom makes an even bigger statement. Then there is a very tangible physical barrier between us which has a direct bearing on intimacy. To be honest, I heard artificial birth control in general saying something to my spouse – it said, “I want to have sex, but I don’t want any entanglements to ensue”.  The truth is that marriage is all about entanglement, in all aspects of our being.

I had always hoped for a son one day, and one day after my wife passed a clot  during her period, I went to look at the carefully wrapped bloody pad in the wastebasket. It dawned on me with a sudden clarity that the son I had so long desired might be that very clot now laid to rest in a tidy package at the bottom of the trash can. That moment my mind was made up, and I agreed.

The part of this whole discourse that is important however, is that it caused me to totally change the way I viewed and treated my wife and our sexual relationship. I would have been aghast and defensive if you had suggested to me that I had been selfish or that my motives or actions were less than honorable. However, that feeling does not stand the test of scrutiny from several years forward in time. While parts it of manifest themselves immediately, the change was not instantaneous – but no lasting change usually is. The truth is that things only got better from there, and we had 2 more children using NFP to achieve the conception by predicting those times most favorable for doing so. My wife felt much better in general, and thought I thought our sex life was great before – there was a spark missing which rekindled itself into a burning flame once the intimacy barrier of artificial conception was removed.

Let’s be clear that I’m not at all advocating having children until your wife’s uterus falls out, nor am I advocating against spacing the children you do have out. Just that you leave room for God to work in your life. Artificial birth control is not infallible either, and just provides a false sense of security which ends up being an excuse for the holocaust of abortion in far too many instances. I am saying that disposing of artificial birth control will change your entire perspective on sex, your spouse, and your marriage. In making this decision together, you’ll both be sending the other person a message – and don’t let that message to be “I love you, but not enough to accept the possibility that our love might create a new life who is part of both of us.”. How would you feel if your wife whispered in your ear, “I love you dear, but I abhor the thought of carrying your child”?  It would kill the mood for me too. Opening yourself to life might add a spark and excitement that has been absent far too long, and the message it sends about love and acceptance to the other person works wonders on the intimacy level which can be achieved.

 Photo Credit: spentpenny via Compfight cc

Totally Yours in Mind, Body, and Soul: A Husband's Reflection on Four Years of Marriage

This guest post comes us to from filmmaker, screenwriter, hotelier, and Catholic blogger Frank Brennan (can you say Renaissance man?). Frank ponders the true meaning of accepting your spouse and identifies four characteristics of a successful marriage: friendship, free communication, family, and faith. After four years of marriage, more than ever, Frank is deeply committed to his wife Laura with all his mind, body, and soul.

Why do so many people offer you the same advice before you get married? It’s like there is a secret club that you are automatically initiated into when you are wed who share the same pieces of practical information or rather disinformation.  It is never really informative for a successful marriage, it always seems like a desperate attempt to make you aware of their own dissatisfaction with their spouses. They say things like: 


“I am so glad you are getting married because you shouldn’t be happier than me.”
“Remember these two words: ‘Yes, dear.’”
“Get ready for your sex life to be over!”

This information is usually divulged in a friendly laughable manner, but it is also disclosed as if it were Sacred Scripture. With divorce rates so high, I can understand why so many couples have predisposed deleterious feelings towards marriage. Why don’t we hear more practical advice about marriage and its beatific vision for the human person? Probably because like everything good in life, it takes much sacrifice to make marriage work.

This month my wife I and celebrated our four year anniversary and I have a serious revelation to share. I am happily married (Sorry Ladies). I am not just happy with my life, but I am more in love with my wife, Laura, now than the entire accumulation of our eleven year relationship. I am not going to say that our marriage is perfect because as with everything there is always a need to grow, mature, and forever polish that which is most prized in life. I will say that our marriage is sincere and open to the acceptance of one another.

I know some will say, "Wait twenty years until you can't stand each other", "Wait until more kids come" "Wait until there is a death in the family, then you'll think differently." Why do we measure marriage based on the amount of emotional crisis we can go through as a couple? Do our vows mean nothing anymore? Why do we doubt our promises to one another when the crisis comes? "I take you in sickness and in health, except when it proves to be very difficult for me."

I think so many marriages fail for two reasons: the inability to accept the other person just as they are and the inability for that same person to change. “I accept you, now change.” It sounds ironic, but is true when you uncover what acceptance really means. Professionals will tell you that marriages fail mainly because of sex and money or lack thereof, but I think those are results of the deeper issues of acceptance and change.

“The curious paradox is that once I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”


– Carl Rogers

Acceptance

When Laura and I first met I was lost in a world of imagination and self-involvement. I cared for very little people and didn’t have much going on in my life. Without preparing for college I didn’t attend after high school. I held some poisonous friendships, ones that weren’t molding me into a better person. I didn’t have a car and was too proud to take a bus anywhere, even if it was to see Laura when we were dating. I was very quiet around people, closed off to society while Laura was very familial and social. I was numb from a visually disruptive childhood, but never let that on. When I think back on my personality then, it boggles my mind on how I ever got the girl. What could she have ever seen in that weak boy with a goatee? Well, I asked her one day and she told me that she could see the man I would become.  While I am still struggling with my own acceptance, I can proudly say I have changed completely for the better. Laura accepted my personality, but not my bad habits. She clearly saw the habits that were preventing me from becoming the man that I was meant to be and she challenged the habits, not my personality.

I am still an oddball around her, making up lyrics to her favorite songs, talking to myself in front of the mirror, and trying to get her to laugh at my “genius” comedic timing. These personality traits drive her crazy, but she has accepted them. It is because of this acceptance that I challenge myself to change those habits that destroy my joy, well-being, and relationship with her.

Change

Now this does not mean that a person in a physically violent relationship should accept this circumstance and all of a sudden their alcoholic spouse will change. Accepting the person is like piercing through their heart and embracing their true identity, that motivated individual that is begging to come out. In situations like this, the habit of alcohol abuse, for example, needs to be challenged and if that involves one spouse separating from the alcoholic then that may be what is necessary. Change can only come from the person who makes the decision to change. It is an act of the will.

Habits that alter your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual states are worth questioning. Is my diet affecting my spouse? Is my creativity affecting my spouse? Are my emotions pushing my spouse away? Are my spiritual habits too advanced for my spouse or are they too vague? Acceptance inspires change. Think of a rebellious teenager's reason for closing off to his parents, “You don’t understand me!” That same teenager opens up to the friends who accept him as he is. Sooner or later that kid will begin to change and conform to the habits of his friends.

Marriages are in desperate need for spousal acceptance which inspires positive change.

I do not only attribute acceptance and change as the characteristics of our successful marriage. There are four more that I think are necessary. I call them the four "F's". And yes, I'm sure someone else can come up with their own four "F's", but let's stay positive people!

Friendship

Laura is my best friend. If your spouse is not your best friend then something is wrong. Does that mean that we have to do everything together? While life experiences have more meaning when shared, we are still opposite genders. There are certain kinds of bonds that one sometimes needs from their own sex. Laura enjoys formal and impromptu sessions of discussion with her female friends that involve deep emotional topics. I just want to play basketball. Maybe suck at golf for a couple hours. I prefer physical competition where I can trash talk through my corporeal abilities.

Then there are the places I don’t want to go without her. Food I don’t want to try unless she is with me. Experiences I need to appreciate only in her company. (Unless it’s a movie…then I’ll watch it anyway. Sorry, Love). I can’t remember how I ever laughed without her in my life or felt joy. The trips I remember the most are the ones that only she and I take. I have vivid memories of our honeymoon in Mexico, our trip to Madrid, and our adventure in St. Augustine. No other memory can stand against those. They are filled with simplicity, togetherness, laughter, and a complete sense of unity. Friendship for us is as necessary as breathing. Our marriage cannot survive without it.

Freely Communicating

I still struggle with this one, but have come a distance. Laura is much better at it than I am, but I have learned the hard way that communication is key to a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, a crazy shift begins to happen in men after a certain amount of time in a relationship, they stop listening. For some men it takes two seconds of conversation and for some it takes ten. I have become aware that my attention is pulled in so many different areas, my neurological pathways are sending messages to more parts of my body and I converse more with myself when I am supposed to be talking to my wife. So we bump heads a lot due to miscommunication.

I understand that men have a challenge when it comes to expressing their feelings. Ladies you should be aware of this and help create for your spouse a safe ground to discuss those feelings. Men are hard on themselves. I am constantly beating myself up for forgetting to make a doctor’s appointment, not cleaning the garden or washing the cars, and not challenging my wife at times to live up to the best version of herself. Men want to talk about those things, but need a safe place to do it. Physical activity can only let out so much emotion, while the rest of it needs to be talked out.

Discuss everything especially finances, intimacy, work, and dreams. Laura and I started a dream book where we write our dreams in there to reflect on. Remember that it should be free communication, don't make your spouse try and pull the information out of you like she is extracting a tooth. So many times I have done this to Laura and it creates a divergence. If your spouse is your best friend then communicating should be safe, easy, and free.

Family

Family is the support network needed to help you keep things in perspective. I have always had a challenge with my family. I grew up independent mostly, free from curfew, rules, and positive encouragement. I love my family, but it’s difficult to get emotionally connected to them.  Laura grew up with the complete opposite. So you can imagine the provocation of a shy emotionally numb boy entering into an emotionally connected family. I have been challenged by my in-laws so many times to take care of my spouse and continuously change my habits. With over thirty years of marriage they are a reminder of success and a beacon of hope. The amount of love they have for Laura and I is immeasurable. You could count the molecules in the Indian Ocean faster than you could sum up the immense love this family has for us. Family is important within marriage. Many couples avoid each other's families or live with a deep sense of resentment towards them. I think if married couples really tried to embrace and accept their spouse’s family, they would find a deeper love and a new support network. I can only dream of giving my daughter the same support that our family has given us.

Faith

No matter what faith you are or if you simply consider yourself "spiritual", faith is the most important aspect of marriage. Faith encompasses not only a religious belief, but a unified set of moral standards. Faith serves as an aid during difficult struggles, a pathway to raise your children on, and a deeper love than you can ever imagine. I can tell you that Laura and I would not be married if it were not for our faith. In the early years of our relationship we used to be infinity for each other. We were each other's God and that was a weight that was far too much for anyone to bear. Together Laura and I discovered, nurtured, and lived out a personal relationship with Christ. He helped us get back to courtship, fostering a real love for each other, one filled with giving and emptying ourselves to God. We were filled with graces beyond comparison. We bonded in new ways through music by playing for our choir, retreats, and for a band.

Many couples have told us that they admire our marriage, but I can tell you that any joy they see within our lives comes from a life of "seeking the kingdom of Heaven". The greatest gift I have received from my faith has been a phrase that came to me one day at mass. I easily get frustrated when things don't go the way I planned. I think of myself as a perfectionist and want my marriage to be perfect in every aspect. One day I was praying for our marriage and I just had this thought in my head, "Stop seeking perfection, seek joy." So many times in life we try and control people, scenarios, and the course of our own lives, but experience tells us that things never go according to plan. So seek joy, not perfection. Joy is everlasting. Joy imprints the memories that are worth storing for later reflection. Joy is the fruit that marriage needs to thrive. Authentic faith leads to joy.

Prove it to Me

I remember when my love for Laura blossomed more spectacularly. It was when I encouraged her to audition for "The Voice". We flew up to New York and spent the weekend prepping for the competition. I was completely overwhelmed by my joy for her. I wanted her to showcase her talent and succeed for completely altruistic reasons. I did everything I could to motivate, keep her on schedule, make sure her voice was well lubricated with tea, and be present for her. It may sound silly to you, but for someone who would always think of himself, this was one time where I had no interest in me and I knew that I had truly changed for the better.

I witnessed Laura's profound love for me when I was diagnosed with Vertigo. It was a nasty spell lasting over five months. She put herself on hold during that time even when she found out that we were pregnant and took care of me. She drove me to work every morning and picked me up because of my fear of blacking out on the road. She took me to ENT appointments, set up a special bed for me to sleep on so I could get shut-eye, and cooked. She never asked for anything in return because out of her pure love she wanted to nurture me back to health.

Marriage is more than the wedding reception, it is a lifetime of opportunity waiting to be conformed into joy. You will inevitably face suffering, but through the bonds of deep friendship and free communication of feelings you will see that your spouse is there to help carry the burden not be the burden.

For My Wife

These last four years spent with you have been the most challenging, yet most fulfilled years of my life. It's not the same relationship that it was in our early years. While we used to be in awe of the "new", I am finding that my love for you is not dependent on how funny you are, how gorgeous you are, or how talented you are. I am discovering that my life can't be explained while it is separated from you. The very fabric of my identity as a man, husband, and friend is intermingled in yours. It’s true that marriage is meant to act as a bond for the complementarity of the couple. When I look inside myself it is your strength I discover. It is your voice I hear when I doubt myself. It's your love that motivates me. I yearn to become the best husband and friend for you because you are an extension of myself. Self-motivation is really a unitive-motivation.

I know I fall short in so many aspects of our marriage, but I promise to be forever open to continuous learning and consistent application of change. I am invisible without you. You are my foundation and existence. Four years have gone by since our vows were said and not a day has gone by that I feel discouraged. I love you deeper every day. I am freely here to help you find your happiness in life. I am faithfully dedicated to you forever. Together we have fruitfully extended our love for the world to physically hold, touch, and cherish (Imma). I am totally yours mind, body and soul. Thank you for loving this silly boy for so long. Here is to many more anniversaries. I love you! Ti Voglio Bene!


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Victoria's Secret ... with a Twist!

A light-hearted guest post from my husband Manny on creatively keeping lingerie out of the hands of kids and in the hands of husbands and wives, where it belongs!

So, how is it, you may ask, that a guy unexpectedly finds himself talking to a manager at a Victoria’s Secret in New York City, NY about how the premier lingerie boutique might bolster its “bottom line” while simultaneously discussing the finer points of Theology of the Body? Do these things just happen in a city such as New York? Whatever the explanation, there I was. I hadn’t planned it, mind you, not that there’s anything wrong with planning a visit beforehand. I simply hadn’t.

I had just finished a particularly pleasant and productive session with my psychiatrist (being a psychiatrist myself, it is not unusual that I see one for my own personal issues), and was walking down Broadway towards 72nd Street in order to catch the express train to Penn Station. It was a rather nice evening and I thought to myself that a walk would be in order (like most everyone else, I’m trying to lose a few pounds). Call it fate, call it chance, or even call it clever marketing if you prefer, my eyes caught sight of a scantily clad Victoria’s Secret model pictured in the window. It’s hard not to look, but as I happened to have one of those devices with me, you know, those amazing gadgets that allow you to speak to anyone on the planet…my cell…I quickly gave birth to an idea.

Dialing rapidly, I called my wife and described the situation, suggesting that it might be fun if I went inside and picked out something sexy (yup, I said sexy) for her to wear next time we, you know, have a “green light.” Some things are best kept between spouses, and my wife’s response is one of them.

Within minutes I was inside the Victoria’s Secret store, sporting a slightly abashed and quizzical look on my face, you know, the one people get which invites perfect strangers to ask, “…are you lost?” Thankfully, I was approached by the Victoria’s Secret version of a welcoming committee, a lovely young lady named Tricia. “Can I help you find something?” she asked, very professionally and without a hint of anything that would suggest my presence there was in any way unsavory or lascivious. I paused a moment and went right to the point, “I’ve been married for fourteen years, happily married, and I want to find something sexy for my wife. My favorite color is red.”

“Do you know her measurements?” she asked. “Yes”, I replied, thankful that my wife was thoughtful enough to provide me with this information during our brief phone conversation only minutes before. Within minutes, I had picked out two outfits, one black the other red, both very elegant (as I had instructed Tricia they had to be). At this point, I paused, because something was bothering me and I just had to ask a question. I noticed there were young children here. Most seemed to be with their mothers, but a number of the children appeared unaccompanied. “Are there always so many kids here?” I asked, surprised to hear those words emerge from my mouth since normally I’m in favor of kids being allowed almost anywhere. But here, in Victoria’s Secret, it seemed out of place.

"I noticed there were young children here. ... A number of the children appeared unaccompanied. 'Are there always so many kids here?'"

What were young kids, girls (for I saw no young boys around, thankfully) doing gazing upon and evidently buying slinky outfits? My presence here, and my willingness to admit it publicly, should allay any readers quick to pounce on me for prudishness or hypocrisy. I have many faults but I don’t usually count those among them. No, I was genuinely concerned and perhaps a bit scandalized. These girls were as young as 12 to 14 years old. Did the parents know their kids were here (those kids present without a chaperon)? Tricia listened and then looked down at her feet for a moment before answering, "They come all the time, usually after school but now and then on lunch break. We can’t ask them to leave, there’s no law against them coming in.” I was shocked and immediately answered, “Well there should be. Kids can’t enter a bar without adult supervision.”

And with those words an idea began to crystallize in my mind. Why not serve alcohol at Victoria’s Secret? It would keep minors out and bolster the bottom line! “Why not serve alcohol!” I said passionately to her, raising my voice slightly, aware of the possibilities. “You guys would make a bundle! Think about it. Guys drinking a scotch or a glass of wine, or even a beer…inhibitions lowered, your sales would go through the roof!” Tricia appeared surprised, unsure how to react, after all, the customer is always right. She paused and then replied, with a pleasant playful (or was it nervous) laugh, “Yeah, that’s a great idea, but they’d never go for it. We would have too much fun.” Too much fun, I asked myself? “Who would have too much fun?” “We would…I think it’s an…interesting idea…” she hesitated, no not hesitated but slowed down her enunciation as she pronounced the word “interesting”, as if to give it more emphasis. The way some people seem to pronounce it with four syllables instead of three, which I always find rather curious, or if you prefer, rather interesting (with four syllables mind you).

“It’s a great idea!” I offered, only slightly realizing that my enthusiasm might come across as somewhat self-serving. "Is there a suggestion box? I need to leave a suggestion."

“No,” she replies, “…we don’t have a suggestion box.”

I thought for a moment about the best way to get this to those people, whoever ‘those people’ are, the ones that have the authority and the vision to make a decision like this. There must be someone in the hierarchy of the Victoria’s Secret empire that decided at some point to sell the ‘Pink’ line of items, which as you may know sells things specifically for under-age folks. This is the type of innovative thinker that might be motivated by love of the bottom line, and this is the person I wanted to talk to about my idea. “Can I speak to your manager?” I ask. “Of course, sir. Just wait.”

Shortly, Nicole the store manager approached and asked, “How can I help you?”She was an affable looking woman, perhaps in her mid to upper forties and appearing of Filipino descent. Her smile was genuine and I immediately noticed that she was casually, though modestly dressed. I explained my idea, and the observation that brought it about, and Nicole nodded in agreement. Not so much at the ideas of opening up a line of Victoria’s Secret stores which serve alcohol (though she did not object to the idea outright), but in agreement at the sad reality that kids are allowed, and, in fact, cannot be barred from the store. “We do have the ‘Pink’ line for kids,” she said, as if to provide some justification. “Yeah, that’s fine, but here, buying adult lingerie? It’s not right. What’s a 12 or 13 year old doing looking at and buying lingerie?” I asked, somewhat heatedly. Just as Tricia had done, Nicole looked down for a moment and then answered sadly, “Some even younger than that.”

Now you have to understand that when you have kids something changes in your brain (Do you, reader, have kids? Are they about 12 or 13? Do you have girls?). The brain works a little differently from your pre-parental self. You immediately see the danger in a situation, whether you like it or not, whether you’re looking for it or not, especially when you see kids who are about the same age as your own children. “I’m Catholic and I have six kids, the oldest is thirteen and the youngest is three, and five of the six are girls.” “I’m Catholic too,” Nicole replies, “and you’re right, they shouldn’t be here but there’s nothing we can do.” “But you could if you served alcohol! If you had a liquor license you could, by law keep kids out unless they were accompanied by a parent.” She paused, and then paused some more, breathing out a sigh of…well, I’m not quite sure what it meant. “Look, kick this idea up the corporate ladder. Tell whoever makes big decisions that it’s your idea, or that you were talking to a customer and that you both came up with it.” Again she paused, having no words for whatever was happening in her brain. “Look, I have to get going, I have to get back to my wife and kids, but here, I’ll give you my email address and if anything develops, send me an email.”

So, that’s kind of how things ended. I bid farewell to the manager and then to Tricia, and as I was turning away to leave, a few parting thoughts came to mind. Turning around, I added, “If you serve alcohol, maybe not in the whole store but you could have a VIP section where you serve it just like in a bar/restaurant and that will keep the kids out unless they were accompanied by a parent.  If you do that, then boom, problem solved.  It’ll be good for business, bolster the bottom line, keep the kids away, and you’ll feel good about coming to work because you’ll be helping marriages be more intimate and you won’t be hurting any kids.”

With that, I had presented the finer points of Theology of the Body to the personnel of a lingerie boutique, and headed home after a long day.

From a Woman Widowed Too Young: How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some

Cyndi Marlow married Steve when she was 19 years old, stayed married for 24 years, and became a widow unexpectedly at age 43. Cyndi tells an honest and real story of two people who shared life together through "lots of good and lots of bad times and tried to make the best of things most of the time." Many days, she experiences "regret and longing to go back and fix it all...if only I could."

Steve, Cyndi, and Sean Marlow in a memory pillow created at a grief workshop

Even though Steve suffered his first heart attack at 44, his medical recovery was excellent and they mistakenly thought that all was going to be just fine. They looked forward to sharing their future twilight years together and began talking of taking a cruise to celebrate their 25th anniversary. But, Cyndi laments,"the cruise never happened. On April 26, the day before my birthday and two days before our son’s birthday, we came home and found him. He was dead of a massive heart attack at the age of 48. The past several years have been very rough. They have been hardest on my son. I have come to accept the beautiful tapestry of inadequacies that have been woven and revealed through this entire experience. I have come to understand the trials of life are truly God's mercies in disguise."

Here is Cyndi's advice on cherishing the years that you have together, because they may be cut short far sooner than you imagine.

1. How many years have you been married and how many kids do you have?

Steve and I were married 24 years when he passed, and we have one adopted son.

2. Name 3 things that helped you to stay married that long.

Faithfulness to each other, no matter the storms. No matter the trials. No matter the struggles.

Commitment to family and what it means to be a family.

Pure Taurus stubbornness.

3. What role did faith play in your marriage?

I have only God and our deep sense of commitment to each other, no matter the pain or cost, to credit those 24 years together. For it was not an easy one for us. We were not married in the Catholic Church. Neither of us was Catholic. He was Baptist by up-bringing; I did not have a church affiliation. We somehow managed a Christian wedding. Many years later I would become Catholic on my own.

Grace is the glue that held us together when we did not have the strength to do it ourselves. God had a plan for us. God has a plan for you. Trust that.

4. What advice would you give people who are dating and considering marriage?

Don’t pay attention to what the media or the world tells you about relationships and marriage. It couldn’t be further from what is real and is not the model you want to emulate.

5. What advice would you give newlyweds?

Don’t run away from the bad times. Don’t run away from each other. Say I love you all the time, because you never know when you won’t get the chance to say it again.

6. What advice would you give new parents or couples who are trying to have children?

We were never able to have children of our own. Infertility is a terrible, destructive force in a marriage. We tried for 13 years before we looked at adoption through our local Catholic Charities. Although Steve had to be convinced to give adoption a try at first, once he was committed, he never looked back and was a truly wonderful and caring father.

So I am only going to speak to the couples that are longing for children and experiencing any type of infertility. It is not an experience that every marriage can survive. Dealing with those pains and disappointments will be a challenge. Stay faithful to each other. Stay committed to each other. Together and with your faith to guide you, you can and will get through it all. Infertility is cruel and devouring monster that is eager to destroy if you let it. Don’t let it. Husbands, sometimes she just needs to be held and allowed to cry her eyes out. Wives, do what you need to do to get through each day. If that means staying away from baby showers, and avoiding the baby aisle of the store, then that is what you need to do. Couples, please just don’t suffer this alone. Find others who are or have experienced this pain and find some friendship and comfort there.

I still carry the scar of my infertility. There are times when it hits me that I have never known the joy of carrying a child in my womb and now, due to age and a complete hysterectomy, I never will. There is an ache that permeates from the soul when you long for a child and you cannot have one. I wish that I could tell you that the ache goes away 100% ...but it doesn’t really ever leave. With faith, the pain can and will undergo a metamorphosis to become that blessing of mercy. I promise.

God bless you in your union, now and always.

If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• Pablo & Kristin's Tips on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some
• How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny
• How to Stay Married 10 Years and Then Some: A New Series on the Blog!

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor: Just Judge or Just Another Judge? (Part Two)

In the second part of this retrospective on Justice Sotomayor, my husband Manuel P. Santos, M.D., explores the impact that the justice's career has had on her family and faith life. He continues his earlier analogy to the song The Impossible Dream, which was made famous by the musical film Man of La Mancha.

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To bear with unbearable sorrow

Was there pain along the way in Justice Sotomayor's rise to the highest court in the land? To answer this question we turn to Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, a novel which is, like Shakespeare’s Hamlet, a masterpiece though of a different genre. The novel begins, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Sonia overcame many obstacles, and indeed one could argue that obstacles are there to be overcome. Sorrows on the other hand are borne, and often accompany us for a lifetime.  The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines sorrow as deep distress, sadness, or regret especially for the loss of someone or something loved. Did Sonia lose anything or anyone during her life?

Well, let’s see, at age 7 she was diagnosed with diabetes. Think of your own life and tell me, have you ever been sick? Have you ever been diagnosed with a serious illness? The realization that health is both tenuous and fragile comes at a price. For some, the price is anger. Such anger is often, though not always, directed towards God. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? For others the price is a slow and persistent sadness. For Sonia, as with millions of diabetics the world over, every insulin shot and finger stick is a reminder of their illness. Perhaps it is also a reminder that life is a gift, though that realization does not necessarily do away with the sadness that comes from knowing what has been lost. It is this sadness I speak of, the sadness which comes without warning, the sadness which lingers.

At age 9 Sonia suffered the loss of her alcoholic father to a heart attack. He was 42 years old and while it’s true that he had neglected and tormented his children and his wife, his death represents not only a loss but a lost opportunity. Gone is the possibility of redemption and with it any chance at reconciliation. It also complicates the process of forgiveness for past hurts, a process that research shows to be essential. Sonia admitted during an interview with Oprah Winfrey (April 1, 2013) that growing up as the child of an alcoholic affected her deeply. “You look for subtle physical signs that tell you trouble is coming,” She said, adding, “You become a watchful child.” This fits a pattern frequently seen in adult children of alcoholics (ACOA), marked by hyper-vigilance and a tendency to scan the surroundings for potential catastrophes. Such people also tend to have difficulty with intimacy, pronounced abandonment issues, and an intense fear of losing control.

As if playing out a script, Sonia married her high school sweetheart, Kevin Edward Noonan, on August 14, 1976. They had no children and within seven years were divorced. Reflecting on her failed marriage, Sonia has stated that, “the fact that I was leaving my home at 7:00 AM and getting back at 10:00 PM was not of assistance in recognizing the problems developing in my marriage.” Although her statement is rather understated and seems overly matter of fact, she would state along similar lines, “I have found it difficult to maintain a relationship while I’ve pursued my career.

The final loss is perhaps best referred to as a ‘loss in progress’, since it cannot be fully assessed until her death, and even then remains somewhat hidden from mortal eyes. I am, for those still wondering, speaking about her Catholic faith. If I am maligned for having the temerity to comment on this aspect of her life, I will accept such criticism as partially warranted. I do not presume to judge the judge, only to look at the facts and perhaps draw some conclusions, uncomfortable though they may be. Towards this end I solicit an unlikely ally, the New York Times.

In a 2009 article, the New York Times discussed Justice Sotomayor’s Catholic upbringing, as well as the fact that although she was raised Catholic and attended a Catholic high school she did not attend Mass regularly while at Princeton nor during her years at Yale Law School. Recall for a moment that she was married in 1976, and that furthermore she chose to get married at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral. Unfortunately this tells us little since many Catholics whether tepid, lapsed, or outright indifferent to their faith, seek to marry in the Church. The reasons for this are many, though the scourge of divorces (with or without annulments) testifies strongly that a problem exists. Is it a lack of religious formation before the wedding? Perhaps it’s a simple case of choosing the wrong marriage partner. Of course there are reasons when a separation or divorce truly is the only option. Too often, however, the culprit is a matter of priorities. In short, many marriages fail because there is an unwillingness to place the marriage first.

The New York Times article goes on to describe the conservative block of Supreme Court Justices (Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito) as committed ‘attendees’ at Mass. An odd phrase to be sure, akin to describing some Jews on the Supreme Court as regular ‘attendees’ at Synagogue, or pointing out that Malcolm X or other observant Muslims regularly worship in the Mosque. Be that as it may, the article notes that because Judge Sotomayor is by all accounts a ‘cultural Catholic’, she is more likely to be pro-choice and pro gay marriage (unlike most Hispanics, which the article notes are pro-life and not in favor of gay marriage).

So, is Justice Sonia Sotomayor a lapsed or cultural Catholic? The facts seem to support that conclusion. Some readers may applaud this as a good thing. Such readers may see her Catholicism as an unwelcome limitation and praise her courage for setting herself free of such bondage. Well, there’s a name for people who say or whisper such things, it’s called a bigot. Intolerance comes in all forms, and when it’s directed at devout members of any faith, be it Catholic, Jewish, or Muslim, the bigotry is the same.

To run where the brave dare not go

The fourth and final line of this verse from the song The Impossible Dream asks that we take a look at what may be. What impact will this brilliant daughter of the poor and voiceless have on the nation? When President Obama called to tell her that he had decided to nominate her to the Supreme Court, he asked two things of her. The first was for her to accept the counsel of his advisors and in particular this meant Vice President Joe Biden since he had chaired every Supreme Court nomination hearing since 1987. The second request, that she keep in mind where she came from, that she remember her roots. As the story goes, she immediately replied that the second request was easy. Easy perhaps, though I suppose it depends on which roots one is talking about.  If it’s her Catholic roots, I submit to you that she has failed in her promise to President Obama.

There’s an old adage that most people have heard at one time or another and it states, “Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are.” Well, when NARAL Pro-Choice America endorsed Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court it was making a very public statement that she was their kind of nominee.

In turn, she has been quite vocal about the importance of privacy rights (i.e. read the right to abortion), and her support of precedents which support those rights (i.e. Roe v. Wade). It is, perhaps, a magnificent example of irony, then, that on the very day that her confirmation hearings commenced, a woman by the name of Norma McCorvey (i.e. the actual Jane Roe in the Roe v. Wade trial) was arrested for disturbing the hearings. I quote her words, the words which she stated openly for all to hear and which got her arrested:

“I’m here to overturn Roe and defeat Sotomayor’s nomination to the Supreme Court. She’s unworthy of the position. She’s Catholic. She’s even unworthy of taking communion because of her pro-abortion stance.”

Was it really necessary for us, reader, that NARAL Pro-Choice America endorse Judge Sotomayor before we could say with some confidence that she was firmly pro-choice? Well, perhaps for some the facade of impartiality is worth maintaining. You know the charade I’m talking about, the one where we pretend (or rather, some politicians pretend) that a Judge nominated to the Supreme Court by a Republican President or by a Democratic President does not, de facto, meet certain criteria. At the risk of being overly simplistic, a Republican President’s nominee must be pro-life and a Democratic President’s nominee must be pro-choice. To argue otherwise is foolish if not outright disingenuous.

It’s not difficult these days to be a Democrat and also be pro-choice. It’s expected. It’s not difficult to be a woman and be pro-choice. It’s expected. It’s not even difficult to be Catholic, albeit nominally so, and be pro-choice. Sadly, it’s the norm. I do not accuse Justice Sotomayor of cowardice. On the contrary, I think she has demonstrated herself throughout her life to be a woman of great strength and even tenacity in the face of opposition. I’ll say it loud and clear for all to hear, she is a brave woman. She is not, however, a brave Catholic. Catholics and other Christians are being persecuted in Iraq by ISIS and when confronted they are given a choice. Convert or die. Those Christians, those martyrs, are made of the same flesh and blood as you and me. And yet, they are willing to die for their faith. These too are Sonia’s roots, though she may not realize it. There is bravery in the face of criticism and then there is bravery in the face of death.

Norma McCorvey (Jane Roe), a convert to Catholicism, has come out bravely to be a voice for the voiceless. Who will listen to her? Will Justice Sotomayor hear her? Will she not only hear but listen? That remains to be seen.

If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor: Just Judge or Just Another Judge? (Part One)
• The Audacity of Being Born: Barack Hussein Obama II
• Clinton's Choice