12 Hints for a Happier, Holier Marriage

Every married couple's Kryptonite is different. Some couples have no financial problems, but strain to maintain a healthy work/life balance. Some couples will happily serve the poorest of the poor in a soup kitchen, but have trouble inhabiting the same room with their in-laws. That's why the Vatican has recommended no less than 12 topics to be covered in pre-Cana marriage preparation programs. Unfortunately, a lot of programs leave crucial information out.

So, to make up for what went missing, my husband and I wrote a Catholic marriage advice book covering all 12 topics, from finances and work to community service and relationships with in-laws, plus everything in between. The book is called The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime. Below you'll find some of our best hints from the book, arranged by topic, plus links to free downloadable worksheets.

Personality Differences:

Marriage is quite an adventure, and somehow never exactly what we expect. Our God, after all, is a God of surprises, as Pope Francis is fond of saying. The first bump in the road that many couples encounter is overcoming personality differences. Opposites really do attract, and that adds to the excitement but can also create conflict.

Hint #1: Overcome your differences by searching for and finding common ground, and relying on God who loves you both equally. Help: Download Chapter 1 worksheet.

Sacramentality & the Saints:

Nowadays, fewer Catholics are choosing to get married in the Church than at any other time in recent history. Many people don’t realize what a wonderful treasure Catholic marriage is! The graces of the sacraments -- especially Holy Matrimony, the Eucharist, and confession -- are a powerful aid to couples in their everyday struggles and in times of great crisis. And the saints, our cheering section in the next life, are willing and eager to help husbands and wives get each other to heaven.

Hint #2: Seek help from the Church on earth and in heaven. Help: Download Chapter 2 worksheet.

In-Laws:

Marriage is more than the union of just two people. It’s also a union of two families. Many couples struggle with learning to love their in-laws. It helps to remember that in most cases what the in-laws really want is for your marriage to be successful, long-lasting, and happy. By loving our in-laws and extended family members, we follow Jesus’ command to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Hint #3: Listen respectfully to your in-laws' advice, even if you don't ultimately follow it. Help: Download Chapter 3 worksheet.

Work/Life Balance:

Whether we work at home or in an office, nobody wants to feel like a gerbil on a wheel. Work is meant to be more than that, and deep inside we all know it. A lot of effort can be poured into finding a “dream” job or career, and that’s certainly a worthy goal. But sometimes we’re called to bloom where we’re planted and to recognize that all work has value in the eyes of God.  Realizing the supernatural worth of our work will help us to prioritize well: first, God; then, family; and last, work.

Hint #4: Do all your work with love and care because God is your ultimate "boss." Help: Download Chapter 4 worksheet.

Finances:

Marital finances are a hot-button issue for many couples. But frequently couples are fighting over who’s in control and who gets to make the decisions as much as they’re fighting over the money itself. It helps for them to commit fully to the idea that what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. It helps even more for them to realize that everything that is theirs has been given to them by our loving God. We are not so much owners as we are stewards, caretakers of God’s blessings.

Hint #5: When it comes to money, be "we-centered" rather than "me-centered." Help: Download Chapter 5 worksheet.

Family community service:

Jesus wants us to feel a special love for the poorest and most vulnerable among us. That’s one reason why programs for the Sacrament of Confirmation stress community service so heavily. But community service doesn’t have to be relegated to the teenage years. Families can reach out to meet their neighbors’ physical and spiritual needs in ways that amount to priceless gifts.

Hint #6: Help out your neighbors in small, meaningful ways by hosting a play date or buying an extra gallon of milk for them on your grocery run. Help: Download Chapter 6 worksheet.

Sexuality:

One of the most misunderstood areas of Catholic teaching is sexuality. Many people are shocked to learn that the Catechism calls married sexuality “a source of joy and pleasure” and “a sign and pledge of spiritual communion” (CCC 2360-62). Catholicism regards sexuality as a precious gift from God, enriching marriages on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

Hint #7: Communicate (often!) about sex in a positive and intimate way. Help: Download Chapter 7 worksheet.

Fertility:

Women especially are taught to fear their fertility during their teen years when adults (with the best of intentions) warn of the dangers of getting pregnant through premarital sex. Many married couples hold onto that fear, worrying about the impact of children on finances or career plans. NFP encourages the mindset that fertility is a great blessing. It helps couples to avoid or achieve pregnancy in an effective, safe, ethical, and relatively inexpensive way.

Hint #8: Gain a greater appreciation for your fertility through Natural Family Planning. Help: Download Chapter 8 worksheet.

Big families, special-needs kids, adoption & more:

No matter how big our hearts are at the start, they can always grow bigger. Many special family circumstances challenge parents to do more than they think they ever possibly could. Challenges like big families, special-needs children, adopting, fostering, and stepparenting can all be transformed into channels of God's all-powerful grace.

Hint #9: Ask yourselves how far you can open your hearts to new challenges. Help: Download Chapter 9 worksheet.

Parenting:

There is no greater responsibility than parenting well. Our children are God's gifts to us, and they will shape the world of the future. We are called to nurture our children's bodies, minds, and souls, forming them in Christ. "If we are like pencils in the hands of God, as Mother Teresa said, then each of our children is a sketch destined to become a masterpiece," we wrote in The Four Keys to Everlasting Love.

Hint #10: Parent with heavenly purpose. Help: Download Chapter 10 worksheet.

Prayer:

In the day-to-day grind of life, it can be easy to forget that what we do now has consequences for eternity. This is especially true in the hustle and bustle of family life. Through the eyes of faith, we can see that our families are "domestic churches," where we share God's divine love with each other and strengthen each other's faith. A rich family prayer life can bring great peace to our homes.

Hint #11: Grow closer together and closer to God through a deeper shared prayer life.  Help: Download Chapter 11 worksheet.

Imitating Jesus, Mary & Joseph:

The Holy Family is the best role model that any family could possibly ask for. Our Blessed Mother Mary is a shining example of grace under pressure, faith in the face of uncertainty, and perseverance through the hardest of life's challenges. St. Joseph is a pre-eminent father figure, protective, strong, and willing to share all with no expectation of return.

Hint #12: Don't just ask yourselves, "What would Jesus do," or WWJD? Ask "What would the Holy Family do," or WWHFD? Help: Download Chapter 12 worksheet.

What's your Kryptonite? We'd love to hear from you in the comments below. And if you'd like to continue the conversation, please join our online book club (Sept. 10-Dec. 3) by clicking here.

Turning Ownership into Stewardship: Marital Finances (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is number five in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 5

Turning Ownership into Stewardship:
Six Tips for Trouble-Free, God-Centered Finances 

Marital finances are a hot-button issue for many couples. But frequently couples are fighting over who’s in control and who gets to make the decisions as much as they’re fighting over the money itself. It helps for them to commit fully to the idea that what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. It helps even more for them to realize that everything that is theirs has been given to them by a God who loves them.

We are not so much owners as we are stewards, caretakers of God’s blessings. As Manny and Karee say in Chapter Five of The Four Keys, “An attitude of stewardship can set us free. Good stewardship recognizes that everything we have comes from God, even the talents and opportunities that enable us to earn a living. God gives us these things so we can use them for his glory, not just accomplish our own personal goals.”

In Chapter Five, Manny and Karee use Scriptural quotes and stories to detail six tips for trouble-free, God-centered marital finances:

• Talk to each other
• Establish joint financial priorities
• Plan wisely
• Save for your family’s future
• Tithe (or donate a fixed percentage of your income)
• Pay your taxes (yes, really!)

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going among yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.


1. Do you and your spouse have different spending and saving patterns? How different are they?





2. Are you comfortable discussing finances with each other, or does it sometimes cause conflict? Which financial issues have the most potential for conflict?






3. How important do you think donating to charity is? Which charities do you (or would you like to) support?






4. How often do you pray about any financial worries you might have?






Want more tips and news about our Catholic marriage advice book? Sign up here for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love newsletter and get your downloadable thank-you gift.

Email Address 

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!: Press Release for The Four Keys

As next week's launch date for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love grows ever nearer, publicity efforts are ramping up. Ave Maria Press drafted this press release to give folks an idea of what can be found inside our book. If you like what you see, please share widely!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

No marriage—even a sacramental one—is free from conflicts about sex, money, child-rearing, in-laws, and work/life balance. In their new book The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, marriage columnist Karee Santos and her husband, Manuel, a psychiatrist who has been counseling couples for more than fifteen years, explore how applying the wisdom of the Catholic faith to marriage can free us to experience deep, lasting, and soul-satisfying love. 

The Santoses draw on real-life stories, scriptural principles, and the timeless wisdom of St. John Paul II to help celebrate the sacrament of Marriage without downplaying the difficulties of married life. In doing so, they will inspire readers to stay in love with each other, Christ, and the wisdom of the Church. 

The Santoses tell their own story as well: how they learned not to cling to personality, culture, or religious differences; how they learned to put family first; how they overcame health crises that exacted a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll; and how they navigated stressful holiday get-togethers with extended family. They let God transform them and make their marriage stronger. 

Each chapter provides discussion questions, action prompts, quotes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and various popes, and additional online and print resources to stimulate the couple’s conversation, mutual understanding, and positive change. Free worksheets and other supplemental resources are available on the authors’ website, canwecana.blogspot.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS 

Karee Santos is a Catholic blogger and speaker and a writer for the Catholic Match Institute. She has written numerous articles on marriage and family for the National Catholic Register, Catholic Digest, Faith & Family magazine, CatholicLane.com, AmazingCatechists.com, and Aleteia.org. She blogs at Can We Cana?  

Manuel Santos, M.D., is a psychiatrist at Mercy Hospital, Rockville Centre, New York. He also reviews annulment cases for the Marriage Tribunal of the Archdiocese of New York. Dr. Santos is a member of the Sexual Abuse Review Board for the Prelature of the Holy Cross and Opus Dei and also is a member of the Catholic Medical Association, CatholicTherapists.com, and the Society of Catholic Social Scientists. 

The Santoses designed and taught a pre-Cana marriage preparation course, and they write a monthly marriage advice column on CatholicMom.com called “Marriage Rx.” They contribute to FAITH magazine’s “Marriage Matters” advice column. The couple lives in Garden City, New York, with their six children.

The Four Keys to Everlasting Love

How Your Catholic Marriage Can

Bring You Joy for a Lifetime

By Karee Santos

and Manuel P. Santos, M.D.

ISBN: 978-1-59471-603-4

256 pages • $15.95

Catholicism/

Marriage and Relationships

Also available as an eBook

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Click here to purchase on B&N

12 Main Topics Married Couples Need to Know

Catholic couples today desperately need a transfusion of spiritual truths combined with solid practical advice. The Vatican identified the most crucial topics that couples need to know in its document Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage -- and our marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, covers every single one. Each of the book's twelve chapters focuses on a different essential area of concern including:

• personality differences,
• sacramentality,
• dealing with in-laws,
• work/life balance,
• finances,
• community service,
• sexuality,
• fertility,
• special family circumstances,
• parenting,
• prayer, and
• imitating the Holy Family.

As far as we know, there is no other book or program

that addresses all these essential areas.

Take a deeper look at how we did it in this 

Pre-release Table of Contents Reveal:

 

Part I    CALLED TO BE FAITHFUL AND FORGIVING

Chapter 1    Turning Two into One: How to Overcome the Differences That Divide You

Chapter 2    Turning Good Marriages into Pathways to Glory: It’s a Sacrament; It’s a Vocation; It’s a Road Map to Heaven!

Chapter 3    Turning Union into Communion: Extending Your Love to Your In-Laws and Beyond

Part II    CALLED TO BE FREE

Chapter 4    Turning Meaningless Drudgery into Meaningful Work: How to Prioritize God, Family, and Work

Chapter 5    Turning Ownership into Stewardship: Six Tips for Trouble-Free, God-Centered Finances

Chapter 6    Turning Inaction into Action: Families at the Service of Other Families

Part III    CALLED TO BE FRUITFUL

Chapter 7    Turning Spouses into Life-Giving Lovers: The Creative Power of Sex

Chapter 8    Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self: Finding a Better Alternative to Artificial Birth Control and IVF

Chapter 9    Turning Challenges into Channels of Grace: Big Families, Special-Needs Kids, Adopting, Fostering, and Stepparenting

Part IV    CALLED TO LOVE TOTALLY AND FOREVER

Chapter 10    Turning Children into Adults: Forming Your Children’s Bodies, Minds, and Souls in Christ

Chapter 11    Turning Our Homes into Places of Prayer: The Eternal Consequences of Everyday Family Life

Chapter 12    Turning into a Happier, Holier Family: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Can Show You How

 EXCITING BOOK NEWS!!

The books have reached the warehouse, and we have already held the first copies of The Four Keys to Everlasting Love in our hands! Pre-orders and review copies are being shipped out as we speak. Colleagues have told us that they feel "blown away by the gift this will be for couples." We hope you'll feel the same.

To get the book from Amazon, click here. To get the book from Barnes & Noble, click here. And to get a bulk discount on 5 or more copies from the Ave Maria Press website, click here and type in the promo code 4KEYS when ordering.

Marriage Matters Problem-Solving Round-up: Income Loss, Depression, Addiction, Overspending & Empty Nests

My husband Dr. Manny Santos and I were extremely grateful when the Editor-in-Chief of our diocesan magazine recommended us as regular columnists for the FAITH Magazine nation-wide consortium. Their Marriage Matters monthly column presents a difficult marital problem in a "he says-she says" format. Our job is to present helpful, faith-based advice in a few hundred words. Quite a challenge, but one we always enjoy tackling.

Here's a round-up of links to our columns over the past several months. And stay tuned for our April 2016 column on faith-sharing groups for couples and our May 2016 column on spouses who are struggling with using Natural Family Planning.

1. She says: "I really want to be a stay-at-home mom"

    He says: “It’s just not feasible right now”

WE RECOMMEND: Taking the hidden costs of working outside the home into account, and realizing that if she is truly called to be a SAHM they'll find it worth the financial sacrifice. (From the April 2015 issue)

2. She says: "He won’t take his depression meds"

    He says: "I don’t like the side effects"

WE RECOMMEND: Talking to his doctor about switching medications, and resolving to fight the depression together rather than fighting each other. (From the May 2015 issue)

3. He says: "I'm afraid she's becoming addicted"
    She says: "I’m in constant pain"

WE RECOMMEND: Learning the warning signs of addiction, and locating outside sources of help. (From the September 2015 issue)

4. He says: "She lost a lot of our money shopping online"
    She says: "I want to repair our relationship"

WE RECOMMEND: Committing to forgiveness of past behavior and total honesty about current and future shopping habits. (From the November 2015 issue)

5. He says: "The kids moved out, and now she's never home"
    She says: "I just want to stay active in the community"

WE RECOMMEND: Shifting the focus to the marriage and deciding on a new direction to take together in this new stage of their lives. (From the Jan./Feb. 2016 issue)

Interested in our upcoming Catholic marriage advice book? Sign up here for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love newsletter and get your downloadable thank-you gift.

Email Address 

Marriage Rx for the Wife of a Gambler

Question: It's a bit hard for me to ask but I see that you have such a wonderful relationship between the Lord and your home life. My loving husband has a big ugly issue with gambling. I have tried numerous things like therapy, church study, Gamblers Anonymous, anti-depressants, you name it. But I learned that if the gambler doesn't want to change he won't. What about the families that stay with a person with that illness? Any advice? God bless. - Gambler's Wife

Anwer: Our sympathies go out to you in this difficult situation. An estimated six to eight million people struggle with a gambling problem, and it's a difficult cross for their families to bear. Many of the strategies for dealing with addiction are the same, whether it's to gambling or to alcohol. So, try these three.

1. Work it until it works. This saying is popular in Alcoholics Anonymous. It basically means that many strategies can help an addict if he just perseveres in them. You mentioned that you and your husband tried therapy, faith-based solutions, Gamblers Anonymous, and anti-depressants. It's good that your husband was willing to try these strategies. They all have the potential to help. Return to what seemed to work best, even in the short-term, and recommit to it.

2. Expect relapses. With a disease like addiction, the aim is recovery, not cure. Relapses can be a common part of the process of healing. But one relapse, or even several, does not equate to failure. As they say, it's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up again. Or, in the words of Scripture, even a righteous man -- a saint! -- falls seven times, but then he rises again (Prv 24:16).

3. Get help for yourself. Gamblers Anonymous has an outreach program for the family and friends of compulsive gamblers. The program is called Gam-Anon, and it seeks to improve the lives of people who are suffering emotionally or financially because of a loved one's gambling habit. If Gam-Anon is not available in your area, you might want to join a group like Al-Anon, which provides similar outreach to families of alcoholics. You would at least be able to get compassionate support and information about behaviors common to most addicts.

May God bless you and your marriage!

Have you ever struggled with the issue of gambling? What strategies worked best for you? Please comment below. And if you have questions or ideas for a future column, please contact us at catholicmarriagerx@gmail.com!

Note: Nothing in this column is meant to provide psychological or medical diagnosis, treatment or opinion.

Marriage Rx: Should We Have Separate Bank Accounts?

Question: My income is much smaller than my atheist husband’s, but it helps our family afford vacations, dinners out, and private tutoring for our daughter. My husband is rather controlling and gives me a hard time about every penny I spend, especially costs like donations to the Church. I’ve been thinking of opening my own account that I will prayerfully manage according to my own conscience. What do you think? – Roberta

Answer:  Marriage is all about two becoming one, but sharing control over finances is a problem area for many spouses. In dual-career couples, both the husband and wife are used to managing their own bank accounts and making their own financial decisions with the money that they’ve earned. Money represents safety, security and stability to many people, and letting someone else – even their spouse – share financial control requires trust and a certain degree of vulnerability.

We normally recommend having one joint bank account, because it helps couples to think of money as “our money” rather than “my money” and “your money.” The end goal is for spouses to make financial decisions together for the good of the whole family.  That way, the family can mirror the life of the early Christians described in the Acts of the Apostles: “Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common” (Acts 4:32).

You have a special situation, however. Since your husband is an atheist and you are a Catholic, there is an underlying disunity in your faith life. It’s extremely admirable that you want to continue donating to the Church, but it’s understandable that your husband doesn’t consider tithing to be a financial priority.  In a sense, you’re between a rock and a hard place — torn between your loyalty to the Church and your husband.

In your situation, it’s okay to accept that marital unity on many fronts is a long-term goal. It doesn’t have to be achieved tomorrow.  Setting up your own bank account for expenses like charitable donations might reduce conflict in the short-term. We encourage you and your husband to talk over the possibility of whether it would help and then make the decision together.

But don’t lose sight of unity as a goal for the future – both financial unity and spiritual unity. Pray for your husband’s conversion. Maybe your steadfast witness of using your own money faithfully to contribute to the Church will be one of the things that eventually brings him to the faith!

May God bless you and your marriage.

Have you ever struggled with the issue of separate bank accounts? What strategies worked best for you? Please comment below. And if you have questions or ideas for a future column, please contact us at catholicmarriagerx@gmail.com!

Note: Nothing in this column is meant to provide psychological or medical diagnosis, treatment or opinion.

Marriage Rx for a Husband Struggling to Find Employment

Since February is the month of romance, I'll be posting a lot of our Marriage Rx columns from CatholicMom. After all, the best foundation for romance is a solid and trouble-free relationship!

Question:  As a very devout Catholic and one who struggles with his marriage every day, I’d like to see you discuss how to overcome financial struggles caused by under/unemployment. I literally live in fear that every day could be the last of my marriage and then the concomitant fear of what my friends would think of me and how that might impact all my service to the Church. – Struggling with Employment

Answer:  Unemployment or underemployment can exact a heavy toll on marriages and families. Pope Francis has said: “there is no worse material poverty, I am keen to stress, than the poverty which prevents people from earning their bread and deprives them of the dignity of work.” Husbands often feel the sting of unemployment most keenly, since many men are dedicated to their role as provider for the family.

A man’s worth doesn’t have to be tied to the wage he earns or his job title, however. As St. Josemaria said:

It is time for us Christians to shout from the rooftops that work is a gift from God and that it makes no sense to classify men differently, according to their occupation, as if some jobs were nobler than others. Work, all work, bears witness to the dignity of man, to his dominion over creation.

For the unemployed, looking for a job is a valuable type of work in itself. It requires time, effort, creativity and sometimes even retraining. The underemployed can still be proud of doing their best in a job that requires less than their entire skill set. There is always merit in doing our work well.

So realize that all the work you do is valuable. Pour your best efforts into your job search and into the work that you have.  Reassure your wife that you are doing all you can.  You can seek spiritual help by praying a novena for work to St. Josemaria.  You can also recite the St. Jude Prayer for Employment and leave your intentions on the website of the National Shrine of St. Jude.  It might help for you and your wife to recite these prayers together.

It’s natural for a wife to feel scared when her husband’s job prospects are diminished, especially if she is dependent on her husband‘s income.  If her fear is translated into berating or nagging, it can exacerbate the tense situation in the home. But perhaps all she really wants to do is help find a solution to your difficulties. Ask her for help!

If what you need is her encouragement and support, ask her. If she has education and workplace experience, she may be willing to get a job (or a higher-paying job) to help the family through temporary difficulties. She may also be able to introduce you to social or professional connections that could lead to new employment. The problem will definitely not be solved by marital breakdown, which is usually highly expensive for both parties.

Don’t worry about what your friends will think or how your service to the Church might be impacted. Focus on the problem confronting you at this moment. And may God bless you and your marriage!

Have you ever struggled with unemployment or underemployment? What strategies worked best for you? Please comment below. And if you have questions or ideas for a future column, please contact us at catholicmarriagerx@gmail.com!

Living God's Will Mega Giveaway: Jan. 12-18 Only!!

My husband and I have teamed up with Catholic personalities like parenting expert Dr. Ray Guarendi and chastity speaker Jason Evert in a mega giveaway for this week only. I will definitely be claiming my free copy of resources like Dr. Ray's book When Faith Causes Family Friction. Religious differences are a problem in so many marriages, and people are aching to find good advice on the topic!

But the giveaway doesn't just offer marriage and family resources. The giveaway's organizer, Christina Weber of Catholic Women's Guide, has collected invaluable resources in the areas of spirituality, life vision, health, wealth and abundance, business and relationships. Each expert was hand selected by Christina. According to her, "the common denominator of all those invited is that there is something special in how they are attempting to live their lives in alignment with God’s will. Their lives reflect a sincere attempt to build Christ’s kingdom in both ordinary and extraordinary ways and I hope that their witness will be an inspiration and encouragement to you."

Christina asked us to share “the good stuff” in this giveaway – “meaty” training content, strategies, tips, templates and tools that you can put into place immediately to begin seeing results. She asked us to condense and share our secrets to creating God’s richness in our lives as a result of understanding, obeying, and living God’s will in our areas of emphasis. And we couldn't be more excited to share...

Already know you want in? 
Starting Jan. 12 at 11 a.m. EST, get access to your free gifts here:
www.livinggodswill.com

Trying to make all the puzzle pieces fit together in your life can be quite overwhelming. We can totally relate to the longing to please God, but not always being 100% confident we are on track in every area. Frustrated with seeming to excel in doing God’s will in one area, but recognizing you’re falling down in another...Worried you might not be covering all of the bases in the unique life mission God has for you...Tired of spending more time in discouragement, confusion, and being TOO busy (Satan’s acronym for B-ound, U-under, S-atan’s, Y-oke), than in living in the present moment with those you love and all God has created, basking in gratitude over the God’s great abundance in your life.

We are all in the same boat -- but with help and support of mentors willing to share their genius there’s no need to recreate the wheel on how to flourish. The more good people out there who are empowered to share their unique gifts and talents with the world, in service to others to build Christ’s kingdom...the better off the entire world will be! So accept these great resources. They're helpful and free!

Here’s a sneak peek of just a few of the gifts being offered in the Living God's Will 2016 Resources Extravaganza:

• LIFE VISION – Learn a Powerful, Right & Left Brain Tool for Tapping into God’s Word for Better Clarity in Achieving Your Unique Mission for 2016
• SPIRITUALITY – Gain Insights to Help You Know and Respond to Your Specific Heavenly Call
• HEALTH – Learn Better Ways to Get Out Of Your Own Way and Let the Powerful Body God Gave You Activate Its Own Healing Process
• WEALTH / ABUNDANCE – Integrate These Simple Tips to Keep the Domestic Demands of Daily Life from Crushing Your Spirit
• BUSINESS – Cut through Satan’s Confusion with This Simple One Page Strategic Plan Template Designed to Help You Serve More Clients, Have a Greater Impact, and Live Out God’s Will in Your Business
• RELATIONSHIPS – Incorporate These Inspirations on How to Tap into God’s Everlasting Love to Make Your Marriage Better Today

The giveaway starts Tuesday, January 12, at 11 a.m., and it will last until Monday, January 18. To claim your gifts, just visit www.livinggodswill.com. Get the help and support you need to effectively live a Christ-centered life!

What Would You Give for 90 Minutes in Heaven?

Two-thirds of Americans believe in heaven. Several million people claim that they have gone through near-death experiences, as many as 15% of the population of some countries. But does anyone really know what happens when we die and what heaven is really like? Most importantly, will we ever get there? A burning desire to know explains the popularity of stories like the recent movie 90 Minutes in Heaven, based on a book that sold over 5 million copies and was translated into 40 languages.

The movie grippingly depicts the path to healing of a Protestant pastor who was declared medically dead for 90 minutes and then came back to life after a passerby prayed over him. Based on a true story, the book was only published after years of soul-searching when the author Don Piper realized that the purpose of his near-death experience was for him to share it with others.

After experiencing heaven for 90 minutes, Piper had very little will to return to life on this earth. Lying in a hospital bed for months, he asked over and over why God couldn't have just let him die. The movie gave me uncomfortable flashbacks of my husband in a hospital bed recovering from his multiple brain surgeries -- only I was the one in danger of despair, not my husband. Actor Hayden Christensen (of the recent Star Wars trilogy) is believable in his utter despondency. Watching Hayden Christensen in Star Wars, I thought that the tragic role of Darth Vader was beyond his talent. But Christensen has grown as an actor, and the tragic role of Don Piper is not writ quite so large.

The surprising character of the film was Piper's wife Eva, played by Kate Bosworth (of Superman Returns). On the first day in the hospital, she couldn't even provide financial or insurance information -- her husband had taken care of everything and left her in a state of dependence. She reminded me of my Southern grandmother (also married to a Protestant minister), who neither learned to drive nor balance a checkbook. Only when my grandfather developed Alzheimer's did my grandmother have to take the reins. Similarly, in the Piper family, Don's car accident forced Eva to become the leader of the family temporarily, to the extent that she even overrode his decisions since he was in no emotional shape to make rational choices.

Kate Bosworth makes Eva's strength and determination shine through, although her stoicism at times translates into a lack of expression. It was also jarring to see a blond fashion plate (and celebrity fashion designer) like Bosworth dressed in one of the drabbest wardrobes I've ever seen. The calf-length skirts were refreshingly modest and could have been beautiful if they weren't in unrelieved shades of brown. It's as if the costume designer thought that religious Christians were opposed to beauty.

At the end of the movie, the audience gets to see a cinematic representation of Piper's vision of heaven. Obviously, nothing on the big screen can come close to capturing reality. As the hymn based on St. Paul's Letter to the Corinthians says, "eye has not seen, ear has not heard, what God has ready for those who love him." Whatever heaven is like, Hollywood can't recreate it. On an artistic level, I preferred the representation of heaven in What Dreams May Come, a 1998 movie with Robin Williams. But theologically speaking, 90 Minutes in Heaven makes the important point that none of us gets to heaven alone. Close friends, distant acquaintances, family members and even strangers play important roles in our salvation. We impact each other in ways that we will never know until we approach the pearly gates. The movie presents a compelling counter-argument to Sartre's wry dig that "hell is other people." It reminds us that heaven holds the communion of saints.

My thanks to Carmel Communications for providing a no-cost advance screening of the film.

Best Blogposts and Mileposts of 2014!!

2014 was a banner year for us. Manny and I signed a book contract with Ave Maria Press (loud huzzahs!), the blog got a brand spanking new logo thanks to the efforts of sister-in-law Nancy Santos, and 13 posts were awarded National Catholic Register's The Best in Catholic Blogging.

Blogpost topics have included everything from work/life balance and marital finances to divorce and remarriage, a First Communion memoir, and special needs parenting. I've even covered difficult issues like adultery, homosexuality, and date rape. My articles reporting on Pope Francis' Synod on the Family appeared at stellar Catholic news site Aleteia. To my intense excitement, the Catholic Match Institute also featured my posts on what makes sacramental marriage so special and how to flirt.

The past year also saw the introduction of three new series on the blog. Manny wrote a large block of political-minded posts over the summer -- posts that also ran on Catholictherapists.com. Several long-time married couples have contributed to How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some. Many NFP couples have presented important and detailed information on Why & How Natural Family Planning Works for Us. No wonder our whole family collapsed in a sleepy heap for the entire Christmas vacation!

So here's a run-down of the 2014 posts you liked the best, and a request -- tell me what else you'd most like to read about here!

Top 10 Most Popular Posts

1. My Top 10 Favorite Quotes from Pope Francis (Some Will Surprise You!)

2. How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some: Karee and Manny (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

3. Gay Catholic Romance Novel Shows Sacrifice is the Heart of Love (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

4. Two Kids' Book Picks: One Light, One Heavy (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

5. My Top 10 Favorite Date Ideas from Spouse Dates (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

6. Woof!: British Divorcee Marries Her Loyal Dog

7. Chastity and Love: Please Don't Let Them Be Misunderstood (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

8. I Am More Than My Desire

9. Roundup of Best Posts for NFP Awareness Week 2014

10. Six Ways to Pray Your Way Through Lent (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

Top 3 Most Popular Guest Posts

1. No Better Aphrodisiac: Why NFP? by Allison & Kevin Gingras of Reconciled to You

2. Pablo & Kristin's Tips on How to Stay Married 10 Years & Then Some (awarded Best in Catholic Blogging)

3. Free Sex: A New Right? by hubby Manuel P. Santos, M.D.

Post with Most Likes & Shares on Social Media

big, Big, BIG Book News: We Have a Signed Contract!

Post with the Most Comments

Does God Want You to Have It All?

*******
Many blessings on all of you for helping this Catholic marriage support community grow. If there are any topics you'd like to hear more about, please let me know in the comments!

Don't Let Money Be a Marriage-Killer

Money troubles are a leading cause of divorce, and studies show that the more frequently couples argue over money the more likely the marriage is to fall apart. So how can couples avoid this marriage-killer?

To start with, forget the idea of my money vs. your money, or his money vs. her money. That kind of outlook breeds dissatisfaction and is asking for unhappiness. It can foster a great deal of jealousy or resentment. “Why is she spending so much of MY money?” or “Why can’t HIS salary be higher than MY salary?” The answer to money trouble often lies in attitude.

When we stop thinking of money as “mine” and start thinking of it as “ours,” then we can decide together the best way to use it for the good of the whole family. My husband Manny taught me the importance of this attitude early in our relationship. When the law firm where I worked increased my salary until it was above what Manny earned as a medical resident, I was terrified that his masculinity would feel threatened. Instead, he grinned and said, “We got a raise!”

By changing our attitude from “me-thinking” to “we-thinking,” we become more grateful for what each spouse brings to the marriage. When we acknowledge the financial needs of the family, instead of just our own financial needs, we become more responsible. We realize that our hearts should be more attached to our family than our money.

Detachment from money is the best way to avoid fighting over it. Has anyone ever encouraged you to take ownership of an idea, so that you will fight harder and more passionately for it? When it comes to marital finances, don't take ownership of your money in that sense. Take stewardship instead.

An attitude of stewardship recognizes that everything we have comes from God, even the talents and opportunities that enable us to earn a living. God gives us these things so we can use them to build his kingdom, not just accomplish our own personal goals. As the Catechism tells us, every owner is in reality a steward, who has the task of making his property fruitful and sharing the benefits with others, first of all his family (sec. 2404).  By moving from a me-centered to we-centered to God-centered vision of finances, spouses can become as united in money matters as they are in all other aspects of their lives together.