Turning Our Homes into Places of Prayer: Easy Family Prayer Habits (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is number eleven in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 11

Turning Our Homes into Places of Prayer:
The Eternal Consequences of Everyday Family Life

In the day-to-day grind of life, it can be easy to forget that what we do now has consequences for eternity. This is especially true in family life, where we live out our vocation to sacramental marriage and, God willing, as parents to the next generation. Our families are "domestic churches," where we share God's divine love with each other and strengthen each other's faith. A rich family prayer life can bring great peace to our homes. 

As Manny and Karee say in Chapter 11 of The Four Keys, "When family members spend time together nurturing their friendship with God, they form a nearly unbreakable bond. In becoming closer to God, they become closer to each other. Evenings become filled with prayer instead of electronic entertainment, and Sundays become filled with praising God instead of hopping in separate minivans to drive different kids in different directions to various extracurricular activities."

In addition to explaining how spouses can deepen their prayer lives as individuals and as a couple, Chapter Eleven also shares easy prayer habits for families, including:

• morning prayer (even in the car on the way to work or school!)
• bedtime prayers (more than just rote recitation)
• reading Bible stories (for adults, it's called lectio divina)
• grace before meals (a wonderful way to incorporate multiple faith traditions)

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going between yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.


1.  Do you have a favorite prayer? What is it, and what makes it your favorite?





2.  Do you feel comfortable speaking to God in front of each other? Why or why not?





3. What prayers would you most like your children to learn?





4.  Does your parish church appeal to you? Do other parishes in your area appeal to you more?

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Turning Children into Adults: Catholic Parenting Strategies (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is number ten in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 10

Turning Children into Adults:
Forming Your Children's Bodies, Minds, and Souls in Christ

There is no greater responsibility than parenting well. Our children are God's gifts to us, and they will shape the world of the future. We are called to nurture our children's bodies, minds, and souls, forming them in Christ. "If we are like pencils in the hands of God, as Mother Teresa said, then each of our children is a sketch destined to become a masterpiece," say Manny and Karee say in Chapter Ten of The Four Keys.

Parenting requires courage, commitment, thorough preparation, and often sacrifice. In the early years, we help our children learn to eat, walk, talk, and even go to the bathroom, In the school years, we help our children discover their unique talents and discern the path that God wants them to follow in adulthood. And for their whole lives, they can still turn to us for advice on choosing between right and wrong. In the process, our children often inspire us to improve ourselves for their sake and become better than we are.

In addition to discussing children's physical, intellectual, and moral formation, Chapter Ten also gives tips on:

• developing a unified parenting style even if it's not what every other parent on the playground picks
• avoiding the trap of emphasizing intellectual development at the expense of moral development
• educating your children in the virtues of anti-materialism and modesty
• protecting your children from the possibility of abuse

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going between yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.


1.  Thinking back to how your parents raised you, what would you like to imitate? What would you like to do differently?





2.  How do you plan to educate your children (public school, Catholic school, or homeschool)?






3. Who are your favorite parent models -- people whose approach to parenting you most admire and would most like to imitate?





4.  What are the biggest goals or dreams you have for your children?

Want more tips and news about our Catholic marriage advice book? Sign up here for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love newsletter and get your downloadable thank-you gift.

Email Address 

Summer Book Club Fun: Divine Mercy for Moms ONLINE!

This summer, I’m teaming with up with mom of twins and recent convert Amanda Torres to venture into new digital territory. In a first time for both for us, we’ll be administering a book club on Facebook to delve into Divine Mercy for Moms, by fellow Ave Maria Press authors Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet. The discussions will begin on July 9 and end on August 20. We would love for you to kick back and join in the summer-long fun of growing in faith with like-minded moms!

Divine Mercy for Moms is the perfect way to learn why so many people are devoted to the 20th century Polish nun and visionary, St. Faustina Kowalska, who brought the Divine Mercy image and chaplet to the world. As it says in the book’s description on Amazon: “With heartwarming stories and practical advice, this book reveals that mercy is not just a gift to be received in the confessional but a spiritual resource that strengthens those who extend themselves in word, deed, and prayer. Designed for personal or group study, Divine Mercy for Moms celebrates the infinite mercy of God and the role of Mary, the Mother of Mercy, in the lives of all believers.”

Daily Reflections

Author Michele Faehnle has graciously agreed to take part in the party, hosting a daily series of mini-reflections from the book. Each mini-reflection starts with a quotation from St. Faustina’s famous diary where she recorded her deep inner relationship with Jesus as well as the messages that Jesus revealed privately to her. This mini-reflection from Day 6 really speaks to me!

Day 6 — Love of God

“I burn with the desire to love Him ever more and more.” (525)

How can you deepen your desire to love Christ more? What can you do to keep your eyes fixed on him and not yourself?

Share your answers to these questions on the daily Facebook thread and watch how it helps you to clarify your thoughts, become more accountable, and make greater spiritual progress!

Weekly Discussions

We’ll keep the pace slow and aim at reading one chapter per week. Every Saturday, co-admin Amanda and I will moderate discussions based on the chapter of the week. On our start date of July 9 we’ll begin by chatting about the introduction.

The Saturday discussions will be based on the Divine Mercy for Moms study guide (included at the end of the book). The study guide has a series of chapter-by-chapter questions to help focus our thoughts and motivate us to practice the spiritual and corporal works of mercy. Amanda and I will prime the conversational pump, telling you our answers and encouraging you to chime in with your own reactions.

The Facebook group is “closed,” which means that members of the group are the only ones who can see the comments you write. So no worries about too-personal musings showing up in the newsfeed of friends and relatives!

How to Join the Fun

The Facebook group is called (simply enough) Divine for Mercy for Moms Online Book Club. Just click here and submit a request to join the group. Or, you can send me a Facebook friend request here, then message me and I’ll add you. Last but not least, you can email me at santoskaree at gmail dot com if you have questions or need help. Looking forward to great conversations and closer friendships with you this summer!

Image courtesy of Ave Maria Press.

Married Love is Total Self-Giving, Says Pope Francis' Amoris Laetitia

This fourth and last in a series of posts on Pope Francis' Amoris Laetitia looks at how love is a total gift of self. Earlier posts focused on the Pope's praise of the faithful, free, and fruitful aspects of married love.

Pope Francis' Amoris Laetitia (Joy of Love) should be required reading in pre-Cana classes, say commentators, because the Pope explains Catholic teaching on marriage so wisely and elegantly to the current generation. Throughout the papal exhortation, you can find the themes of the four marks or "keys" of married love: faithfulness, freedom, fruitfulness, and a total gift of self. The idea of a total gift of self was a cornerstone of Pope St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body. 

In embracing and beautifully restating this idea of John Paul II's, Pope Francis turns to the Old Testament's Song of Songs:

as the woman of the Song of Solomon will sing in a magnificent profession of love and mutual self-bestowal: “My beloved is mine and I am his… I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (2:16; 6:3).(12)

Because married love is total, it alone can "symbolize the union of the human heart with God" (142). Married love is pleasurable, passionate, and "all-encompassing," he says. It "is also exclusive, faithful and open to new life. It shares everything in constant mutual respect" (125).

Married love transcends the present moment and encompasses "a totality that includes the future," says Pope Francis (214). It is a living contradiction of today's "culture of the ephemeral," which "fails to promote love or self-giving" (39). Ultimately, marriage reveals divine love, "a love manifested in the total self-gift of Jesus Christ, who even now lives in our midst and enables us to face together the storms of life at every stage" (290).

The Pope wisely reminds us that a total gift of self is not the same as a total loss of self:

The ideal of marriage cannot be seen purely as generous donation and self-sacrifice, where each spouse renounces all personal needs and seeks only the other’s good without concern for personal satisfaction. We need to remember that authentic love also needs to be able to receive the other, to accept one’s own vulnerability and needs.... (157)

A call to marriage is not a call to martyrdom! It's a call for each spouse to become the person God wants them to be with the help of the other. According to Pope Francis:

As love matures, it also learns to “negotiate”. Far from anything selfish or calculating, such negotiation is an exercise of mutual love, an interplay of give and take, for the good of the family. At each new stage of married life, there is a need to sit down and renegotiate agreements, so that there will be no winners and losers, but rather two winners. (220)

The total, self-giving love of spouses is meant to be shared with their children. Parents who continue to love "when children prove troublesome and ungrateful" are "a sign of the free and selfless love of Jesus" (162). But selfless love can show itself every day, not only in times of crisis, Pope Francis says.

We can be fully present to others only by giving fully of ourselves and forgetting all else. Our loved ones merit our complete attention. Jesus is our model in this, for whenever people approached to speak with him, he would meet their gaze, directly and lovingly (cf. Mk 10:21). No one felt overlooked in his presence, since his words and gestures conveyed the question: “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mk 10:51). This is what we experience in the daily life of the family. We are constantly reminded that each of those who live with us merits complete attention, since he or she possesses infinite dignity as an object of the Father’s immense love (323).

Pope Francis Praises Personal Freedom in Family Life

The four keys to a lasting marriage are faithful, free, fruitful, and total love, as we explain in our newly released book on Catholic marriage. Pope Francis stresses these same four themes in his recent exhortation Amoris Laetitia (Joy of Love). Our last blogpost looked at what the pope had to say about the first key, faithfulness, and this post looks at his praise of  personal freedom, the second key. 

Some people fear that marriage or family life will restrict their freedom. But in Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis asserts that faithful love and personal freedom are not contradictory. He says:

“freedom and fidelity are not opposed to one another; rather, they are mutually supportive, both in interpersonal and social relationships. ... Honouring one’s word, fidelity to one’s promises: these are things that cannot be bought and sold. They cannot be compelled by force or maintained without sacrifice” (214).

Freedom is not the same as license, the pope reminds us. "It is easy nowadays to confuse genuine freedom with the idea that each individual can act arbitrarily, as if there were no truths, values and principles to provide guidance, and everything were possible and permissible," he laments (34). This false idea of freedom leads people to sweep aside their commitment to love "whenever it proves inconvenient or tiresome" (id.). A self-centered lack of faith in the future is the opposite of true freedom.

"Free love" and "free choice" have become dirty words in some circles. But true "freedom of choice makes it possible to plan our lives and to make the most of ourselves" (33). A freedom enriched by "noble goals" and "personal discipline" is precisely what allows each of us "to give oneself generously to others" (id.).

A person who knows how to give love freely and generously will patiently wait for a free gift of love in return. "Indeed, the deeper love is, the more it calls for respect for the other’s freedom and the ability to wait until the other opens the door to his or her heart,” states Pope Francis (99). A mature love does not fear:

we do not have to control the other person, to follow their every step lest they escape our grip. Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try to control, possess and dominate everything. This freedom, which fosters independence, an openness to the world around us and to new experiences, can only enrich and expand relationships. ... [T]his freedom makes for sincerity and transparency, for those who know that they are trusted and appreciated can be open and hide nothing. Those who know that their spouse is always suspicious, judgmental and lacking unconditional love, will tend to keep secrets, conceal their failings and weaknesses, and pretend to be someone other than who they are (115).

A person who knows how to love freely and generously will also willingly take second place, realizing that the first place in every person's life, even a spouse, belongs to God. Francis explains: "There comes a point where a couple’s love attains the height of its freedom and becomes the basis of a healthy autonomy. This happens when each spouse realizes that the other is not his or her own, but has a much more important master, the one Lord" (320).

Just as loving spouses don't seek total control over each other, they don't seek to micromanage their children's choices either, according to Pope Francis. Instead, the parents' responsibility is teach their children "the wise use of freedom" (274). He explains:

Obsession ... is not education. We cannot control every situation that a child may experience. .... What is most important is the ability lovingly to help them grow in freedom, maturity, overall discipline and real autonomy. Only in this way will children come to possess the wherewithal needed to fend for themselves and to act intelligently and prudently whenever they meet with difficulties. The real question, then, is not where our children are physically, or whom they are with at any given time, but rather where they are existentially, where they stand in terms of their convictions, goals, desires and dreams (261).

As children develop their own personalities and talents and discover their own path, they can teach their parents as much as their parents have taught them. "Inevitably, each child will surprise us with ideas and projects born of that freedom, which challenge us to rethink our own ideas. This is a good thing," maintains the pope (262).

In short, freedom in family life "is something magnificent," he says (267).

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!: Press Release for The Four Keys

As next week's launch date for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love grows ever nearer, publicity efforts are ramping up. Ave Maria Press drafted this press release to give folks an idea of what can be found inside our book. If you like what you see, please share widely!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

No marriage—even a sacramental one—is free from conflicts about sex, money, child-rearing, in-laws, and work/life balance. In their new book The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, marriage columnist Karee Santos and her husband, Manuel, a psychiatrist who has been counseling couples for more than fifteen years, explore how applying the wisdom of the Catholic faith to marriage can free us to experience deep, lasting, and soul-satisfying love. 

The Santoses draw on real-life stories, scriptural principles, and the timeless wisdom of St. John Paul II to help celebrate the sacrament of Marriage without downplaying the difficulties of married life. In doing so, they will inspire readers to stay in love with each other, Christ, and the wisdom of the Church. 

The Santoses tell their own story as well: how they learned not to cling to personality, culture, or religious differences; how they learned to put family first; how they overcame health crises that exacted a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll; and how they navigated stressful holiday get-togethers with extended family. They let God transform them and make their marriage stronger. 

Each chapter provides discussion questions, action prompts, quotes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and various popes, and additional online and print resources to stimulate the couple’s conversation, mutual understanding, and positive change. Free worksheets and other supplemental resources are available on the authors’ website, canwecana.blogspot.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS 

Karee Santos is a Catholic blogger and speaker and a writer for the Catholic Match Institute. She has written numerous articles on marriage and family for the National Catholic Register, Catholic Digest, Faith & Family magazine, CatholicLane.com, AmazingCatechists.com, and Aleteia.org. She blogs at Can We Cana?  

Manuel Santos, M.D., is a psychiatrist at Mercy Hospital, Rockville Centre, New York. He also reviews annulment cases for the Marriage Tribunal of the Archdiocese of New York. Dr. Santos is a member of the Sexual Abuse Review Board for the Prelature of the Holy Cross and Opus Dei and also is a member of the Catholic Medical Association, CatholicTherapists.com, and the Society of Catholic Social Scientists. 

The Santoses designed and taught a pre-Cana marriage preparation course, and they write a monthly marriage advice column on CatholicMom.com called “Marriage Rx.” They contribute to FAITH magazine’s “Marriage Matters” advice column. The couple lives in Garden City, New York, with their six children.

The Four Keys to Everlasting Love

How Your Catholic Marriage Can

Bring You Joy for a Lifetime

By Karee Santos

and Manuel P. Santos, M.D.

ISBN: 978-1-59471-603-4

256 pages • $15.95

Catholicism/

Marriage and Relationships

Also available as an eBook

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Click here to purchase on B&N

12 Main Topics Married Couples Need to Know

Catholic couples today desperately need a transfusion of spiritual truths combined with solid practical advice. The Vatican identified the most crucial topics that couples need to know in its document Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage -- and our marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, covers every single one. Each of the book's twelve chapters focuses on a different essential area of concern including:

• personality differences,
• sacramentality,
• dealing with in-laws,
• work/life balance,
• finances,
• community service,
• sexuality,
• fertility,
• special family circumstances,
• parenting,
• prayer, and
• imitating the Holy Family.

As far as we know, there is no other book or program

that addresses all these essential areas.

Take a deeper look at how we did it in this 

Pre-release Table of Contents Reveal:

 

Part I    CALLED TO BE FAITHFUL AND FORGIVING

Chapter 1    Turning Two into One: How to Overcome the Differences That Divide You

Chapter 2    Turning Good Marriages into Pathways to Glory: It’s a Sacrament; It’s a Vocation; It’s a Road Map to Heaven!

Chapter 3    Turning Union into Communion: Extending Your Love to Your In-Laws and Beyond

Part II    CALLED TO BE FREE

Chapter 4    Turning Meaningless Drudgery into Meaningful Work: How to Prioritize God, Family, and Work

Chapter 5    Turning Ownership into Stewardship: Six Tips for Trouble-Free, God-Centered Finances

Chapter 6    Turning Inaction into Action: Families at the Service of Other Families

Part III    CALLED TO BE FRUITFUL

Chapter 7    Turning Spouses into Life-Giving Lovers: The Creative Power of Sex

Chapter 8    Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self: Finding a Better Alternative to Artificial Birth Control and IVF

Chapter 9    Turning Challenges into Channels of Grace: Big Families, Special-Needs Kids, Adopting, Fostering, and Stepparenting

Part IV    CALLED TO LOVE TOTALLY AND FOREVER

Chapter 10    Turning Children into Adults: Forming Your Children’s Bodies, Minds, and Souls in Christ

Chapter 11    Turning Our Homes into Places of Prayer: The Eternal Consequences of Everyday Family Life

Chapter 12    Turning into a Happier, Holier Family: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Can Show You How

 EXCITING BOOK NEWS!!

The books have reached the warehouse, and we have already held the first copies of The Four Keys to Everlasting Love in our hands! Pre-orders and review copies are being shipped out as we speak. Colleagues have told us that they feel "blown away by the gift this will be for couples." We hope you'll feel the same.

To get the book from Amazon, click here. To get the book from Barnes & Noble, click here. And to get a bulk discount on 5 or more copies from the Ave Maria Press website, click here and type in the promo code 4KEYS when ordering.

A Pornographic Culture (Part II): How to Protect Against the Damage to Intimacy

This is the second and final part of an essay on pornography by Amanda Zurface, a licensed canon lawyer working as the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes, a company committed to Internet accountability and filtering. To read the first part, click here.

Porn Harms Souls and Damages Intimacy

You have now seen how pornography is feeding and affecting our culture, as well as the direct impact it is having on our marginalized brothers and sisters in the sex worker industry. The next question is how does the Pornographic Culture impact those who view or use porn. If you use porn, ask yourselves: How does an addiction to pornography impact your vocational discernment? How does it impact your marriage? How it is impacting the development of your children? How is it impacting your participation at Mass, the Sacraments, and your involvement in your parish community?

To answer these questions, we must talk about sin. The struggles that are involved with pornography are sinful, and often times the activity is very serious sin, known as mortal sin. That’s right, no consumption of pornography can be justified. You have been lied to when you have been told that it’s not sinful or harmful to use pornography in certain circumstances. Some may have told you that it’s OK to use pornography as a form of therapy; that pornography can be a helpful aid in sexual development; or it can be helpful with intimacy between you and your spouse. You are owed an apology if you have ever been told one of these lies. Pornography is always sinful.

With any earthly pleasures that may degenerate into sin, we all know well that they are quickly accompanied by sadness, regret, guilt, deep pain and loneliness. This is especially the case when it comes to sins against the gift of our human sexuality and the misusing of our sexuality. As consumption of pornography grows, men and women begin to lie and cover up their pornography usage, domestic violence and child abuse can begin to occur, families fall apart from the many effects and hardships pornography brings into the family, crime may become an issue -- the list goes on and on. To put it simply, pornography turns us in on ourselves, it suffocates our vocations, it deadens our hearts to spiritual things and God and damages human relationships, and it erodes the family. 

The first to feel the violence of pornography use is always the spouse if the person is married. If the married couple has children, the next to feel its effects are the children. By the presence of pornography, intimacy is taken out of that household. Bishop Loverde says: “The use of pornography damages the very human qualities that make intimacy possible…” 

For more information on how pornography directly impacts one’s marriage, what are the effects of those who give their bodies as objects, particularly women, how it has impacted and accelerated the notion of free sex, and the connection to homosexuality and experimenting with one’s sexuality, I encourage you to visit www.covenanteyes.com and www.integrityrestored.com.

We Can Protect Ourselves Against Porn

To quit viewing pornographic images is difficult, and it is especially difficult when you don’t know where to start. Or, if you’re seeking to protect your marriage and family from the culture’s effects, including protecting your children online, you might be wondering where to start. Here are a few tips!

• Read the United States Catholic Bishops, Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography.
• Set yourself up with the Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability and Filtering Software.
• If you have an addiction to pornography or other sexual addictions, frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but also seek out spiritual direction. Through spiritual direction and confession, you may consider the benefit of seeking out a professional therapist.
• Your children need you to guide them. Have ongoing healthy and God-centered conversations about sexual temptations and what it is they see and do online. Educate yourself with the free e-book Parenting the Internet Generation.
• Renew your commitment to your spouse before God. Pray as a family. Pray the rosary and entrust your family to care of St. Joseph.
• Keep the Sabbath holy. Go to Mass every Sunday and daily, if you can.
• Learn about Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.
• Admit you are wrong and need to change. Seek to develop deep and authentic friendships.
• Find one or two faithful Catholic friends who can hold you accountable for living your faith.
• Fast and if necessary, discontinue your cable and Internet subscription. Avoid movies and TV shows that objectify the human body. It’s not worth it!
• Pray for the victims of the pornography and human trafficking industry.

Each human being is unique and unrepeatable. Each one of us was created for perfect love. God wants infinitely more for us than what a Pornographic Culture has to offer us. Remember, in our weaknesses, he always offers his mercy, compassion and grace to persevere to overcome obstacles that keep us from fully loving Him and our brothers and sisters. So, here’s the last pointer, don’t give up! Trust in the Divine Mercy of Jesus Christ.

This article was originally printed in Our Northland Diocese. It is lightly edited and reprinted here with permission.

Sweet Spanish-Language Book Teaches Children Why We Pray

It was my pleasure to introduce my kids to Kimberly Cook's delightful little book Mami, Mami, Cuando Rezas -- the Spanish-language translation of her book Mommy, Mommy, When You Pray. It provided me with the perfect opportunity to make headway on my New Year's resolution to teach our kids more Spanish!

Mami, Mami, Cuando Rezas is a picture book of about 25 pages. The amazingly talented author also illustrated it herself. The color palette is a vibrant mix of turquoise, purple, and a sunny golden yellow, with some red thrown in for emphasis. Using just a sentence per page, the author explains how she prays constantly in gratitude for the wonderful children that God has given her -- a terrific message for any child to hear.

I was curious to see how much my children could understand based on their parochial school Spanish lessons of once or twice a week. Our fifth-grader Maria could understand the book on her own, with the help of the cheerful illustrations of the family members, playing, praying, and laughing together. My younger daughters, Marguerite and Cecilia, loved reading the book with me, pointing out the words they recognized and learning new ones, too. And our kindergartener Elisa-Maria was thrilled that the little girl in the pictures looks so much like her!

Spanish is becoming more and more important for our kids to learn, as the number of Spanish speakers in the United States increases year to year. In 2010, the number had reached 37 million. Approximately 30 million of those people are Catholic. Surprisingly, given such a large population, it's hard to find Spanish-language kids' books with religious themes. That's what makes Mami, Mami, Cuando Rezas truly a treasure.

All Love Bears Fruit

Our parish's monthly morning retreat for mothers continues to explore Love is Our Mission, the preparatory catechesis for the 2015 World Meeting of Families. The following reflects on Chapter 6, All Love Bears Fruit. My previous talk discussed how Men and Women Are Not Made to be Alone.

Fruitfulness is one of the essential gifts of marriage. We're all familiar with God's words to Adam and Eve in the Book of Genesis: "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth" (Gn 1:28). God's directive to the mother and father of all humanity refers to physical fruitfulness. But Jesus in the Gospels speaks about a different kind of fruitfulness when he says: "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit" (Jn 15:5). Jesus obviously doesn't mean "he who abides in me bears many babies." Jesus is referring to fertility in a spiritual sense.

As Love Is Our Mission explains, "every life is meant to be fertile. Every life has the power and the need to nurture new life -- if not through bearing and raising children, then through other vital forms of self-giving, building, and service." Married or not, every one of the baptized is called to spread the Good News by acting as God's hands in the world, serving others.

Everyone has the capacity for spiritual fertility -- parents, grandparents, godparents, couples struggling with infertility, priests, religious sisters and brothers, and single people. "Not everyone is called to marriage," Love Is Our Mission reminds us. Even those who get married do it at later ages -- the average age at first marriage is now 27 for women and 29 for men. Most young people can expect at least ten to fifteen years of living the single life. What this means for parents is that we need to teach our children how to be single.

One young woman recently complained that single people "are caught between a hyper-sexualized culture and a marriage-obsessed Church community." Single life is often reduced to a fruitless search for true love rather than a fruitful life of serving others. Living apart from their families, single people have the freedom to live life only for themselves, but that doesn't necessarily make them feel fulfilled or happy.

So, how do we teach our children to lead fruitful lives while they are still single?:

1. "Raise our young people to see that a romantic partner is not essential for human happiness" (Love Is Our Mission). Some parents and siblings tease even kindergarteners about having a boyfriend or girlfriend. "Oh, how cute," say the moms. "He likes you, he likes you," chant the siblings. In our house, we shut that down immediately, explaining that little children are way too young for that. We don't even allow that kind of teasing of our teenaged children. We encourage same-sex friendships instead, and so far everyone's been happy.

2. Cultivate a spirit of community service. At-home chores serve the nuclear family, and community service helps the broader human family. Confirmation programs wisely stress the importance of community service for seventh- and eighth-graders preparing to take the sacrament. The kids are old enough to learn to take responsibility not only for themselves but for the world around them. If they start a habit of volunteering during their tween and teen years, with grace and luck that habit will continue into their early twenties.

3. Teach them how to entertain themselves. An additional benefit of community service is it gives young people something good to do with their free time. Instead of spending their spring break partying in Miami or Cancun, they can go on mission trips to Haiti or Sierra Leone. While at home, instead of socializing in "clubs, pubs, and bars where promiscuity is normal" (Love Is Our Mission), they can join choirs, sports teams, art classes or chess clubs. This is the time when all those dollars spent on extracurriculars pay off, and you see that your kids have a wide range of interests that they can share with other people.

4. Leave their vocations up to God. Some parents badly want their children to get married, either because they're longing for grandchildren or they view priesthood and religious life as a kind of "second-best" alternative. Some parents have bad memories of ill-tempered nuns who whacked their hands with rulers in grade school. Maybe they've missed the great pictures of young religious sisters in full habit playing basketball. But the celibate life is not "sterile" or "isolated" (Love is Our Mission). It's a life lived in community, whether in convents or rectories. And it might be the most spiritually fruitful life of all, spreading the Good News, doing good works, and bringing souls to Christ.

Interested in our upcoming Catholic marriage advice book? Sign up here for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love newsletter and get your downloadable thank-you gift.

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Marriage Matters Problem-Solving Round-up: Income Loss, Depression, Addiction, Overspending & Empty Nests

My husband Dr. Manny Santos and I were extremely grateful when the Editor-in-Chief of our diocesan magazine recommended us as regular columnists for the FAITH Magazine nation-wide consortium. Their Marriage Matters monthly column presents a difficult marital problem in a "he says-she says" format. Our job is to present helpful, faith-based advice in a few hundred words. Quite a challenge, but one we always enjoy tackling.

Here's a round-up of links to our columns over the past several months. And stay tuned for our April 2016 column on faith-sharing groups for couples and our May 2016 column on spouses who are struggling with using Natural Family Planning.

1. She says: "I really want to be a stay-at-home mom"

    He says: “It’s just not feasible right now”

WE RECOMMEND: Taking the hidden costs of working outside the home into account, and realizing that if she is truly called to be a SAHM they'll find it worth the financial sacrifice. (From the April 2015 issue)

2. She says: "He won’t take his depression meds"

    He says: "I don’t like the side effects"

WE RECOMMEND: Talking to his doctor about switching medications, and resolving to fight the depression together rather than fighting each other. (From the May 2015 issue)

3. He says: "I'm afraid she's becoming addicted"
    She says: "I’m in constant pain"

WE RECOMMEND: Learning the warning signs of addiction, and locating outside sources of help. (From the September 2015 issue)

4. He says: "She lost a lot of our money shopping online"
    She says: "I want to repair our relationship"

WE RECOMMEND: Committing to forgiveness of past behavior and total honesty about current and future shopping habits. (From the November 2015 issue)

5. He says: "The kids moved out, and now she's never home"
    She says: "I just want to stay active in the community"

WE RECOMMEND: Shifting the focus to the marriage and deciding on a new direction to take together in this new stage of their lives. (From the Jan./Feb. 2016 issue)

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Marriage Rx: Married to a Catholic in Name Only

What if your husband isn’t interested in being the family’s spiritual leader? My husband Dr. Manny Santos and I discuss ways to attract your husband to the faith while minimizing obstacles (like kids who would rather play than pay attention during Mass).

Question: I am Catholic trying to practice my faith married to a Catholic in name only. We have 3 children together and try to attend Mass weekly but it is very mentally and emotionally draining as it is hard to reach church and the lackluster homilies bring out a scathing critic in my husband who criticizes every statement made while we drive back. Moreover, he is playful with the kids during the holiest moments in Mass and I don't feel he receives communion believing that Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist. ... I cannot attend Mass as frequently as I want to because of our location and other responsibilities and this is a major source of depression in me. ...Our marriage feels like any ordinary marriage founded on equality and peace within the family but there is no Christ at the helm. I really need my husband to be the head of the family as God intends which is something he finds ludicrous. ...I really do not understand the purpose of marriage anymore but I'm hanging in there all the same.


Answer: We're sorry to hear how much you're suffering, but you've described a marriage with a lot of good in it! The fact that you try to attend Mass weekly as a family is a solid basis for a strong spiritual relationship. Lackluster homilies are a big disappointment for everyone, but it sounds like you agree with your husband that your priest's homilies are not the greatest. Some people have a habit of learning through criticizing and identifying flaws in the information that's been presented to them. It sounds like your husband could be one of these people. His willingness to analyze and discuss the homily is an important opportunity for you to teach him what you know about the faith. If the priest was unclear (or even wrong), you can give your husband more information or better information. If you don't know how to answer one of your husband's criticisms, look up the answer in the Catechism or on trustworthy Internet sites. There is a wealth of spiritual resources out there. In the words of St. Josemaria Escrivá, “Study. Study in earnest. If you are to be salt and light, you need knowledge, capability" (The Way, no. 340).

Attending Mass with kids can be stressful for everyone. Kids frequently wiggle around, get distracted, or cry. Playing with kids during Mass might keep them from crying or complaining too loudly, but it's not an ideal strategy. You can try sitting between your husband and the kids, so the main job of explaining the Mass to the kids and enforcing their good behavior falls on you. Then your husband probably won't be tempted to be playful with them at crucial moments.

Your yearning for Mass and the Eucharist is a great gift and will bring you many graces! But Catholics aren't obligated to attend Mass except on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, so there's no need to despair. Take advantage of prayers of spiritual communion, like this one attributed to St. Alphonsus Liguori:

My Jesus, I believe that you are in the Blessed Sacrament. I love you above all things, and I long for you in my soul. Since I cannot now receive you sacramentally, come at least spiritually into my heart. As though you have already come, I embrace you and unite myself entirely to you; never permit me to be separated from you. Amen.

Above all, don't forget that God has bound you and your husband together in a sacramental marriage, and Christ is at the helm, whether or not you both realize it. You've described your marriage as based on "equality and peace." Thank God for that -- some people don't have those qualities in their marriage.

Many husbands have difficulty taking spiritual headship. You are not alone. It sounds like you've told him what you want. It's time to be silent and let him ponder the idea at his own pace. You don't have to bring it up again except with God in prayer. Your marriage has a definite purpose -- to get you and your husband closer to God. Your marriage is your path to heaven. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard, and frequently it's not what you expect. Be patient. Persevere. Show your husband how much you appreciate his other qualities. Pray that God will bless your husband with the gift of faith, and then trust that Christ is at the helm of your marriage and he will guide you both safely home.

Have you struggled with this issue? What strategies have worked best for you?

To contact us, send an email to catholicmarriagerx at gmail dot com. To learn about our marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, subscribe here and receive a free downloadable gift.

Have You Stuck with Your New Year's Resolutions?

Today's post is part of the Small Success Thursday series at CatholicMom.com.

Surprise -- the first month of the year is almost over! If you don't want your New Year's Resolutions to fade away by the end of January, you've got to recommit to them. Accountability is a big help, and blogging and social media provide almost embarrassingly public accountability! Acknowledging failures and lack of progress can turn into a small success when you  realize what you have to do to prevail in the future. So here's my progress report on the Santos Family's 2016 New Year's Resolutions, including what I've learned from my mistakes.

1. Me:

• Weekly exercise: I've kept this resolution, because it wasn't too difficult, although I haven't lost an ounce of weight! Strategy for Success: Choose an achievable goal.
• Daily mental prayer: I haven't managed this, because I haven't chosen a time of day and stuck to it. Strategy for success: Better time management.
• More homework help for the kids: I get fried pretty easily by the kids' bickering and constant requests for help, so I tend to shut down. I need the emotional equilibrium that comes from daily prayer. Strategy for success: Seek divine assistance!

2. Manny:

• Weekly taekwondo classes: My husband hasn't made it to weekly classes, because he's too busy helping out with the kids. If I was better at homework help, he could make it to exercise class on time. Strategy for success: Better time management.
• Spanish-speaking dinner hour: This has been an epic fail. The kids talk and sing at the top of their lungs, while eating as fast as they can and running away from the table after fifteen minutes. Strategy for success: Better discipline and manners!
• Daily couple prayer: We've been really good at this, since I asked my husband to share the effort of suggesting prayer when I forget. Strategy for success: Seek spousal assistance.

3. Lelia (14):

• Prepare for kickline and color guard auditions: Lelia's friend told her that color guard takes up a lot of time, with several practices per week. So she's rethinking her desire to join, which is fine with me. With better information comes better decisions. Strategy for Success: Investigate options.
• Say grace before lunch: Lelia says she's doing well with this.
• Read more: Lelia isn't reading more because I haven't taken her to the library. :( Strategy for success: Seek parental assistance.

4. Miguel (12):

• Prepare for Sacrament of Confirmation: We haven't thought or done much about this. Strategy for success: Review and renew.
• Start travel soccer: Miguel's taekwondo teacher says he'll probably test for his black belt in March or May, so Miguel will be ready for travel soccer auditions in June. Strategy for success: Follow the plan.
• Read more: We haven't done well with this, mostly because he's been playing the PS4 he got for Christmas. Strategy for success: Less electronics time.

5. Maria (10):

• Learn to play Fur Elise: Maria wanted to learn the Moonlight Sonata until I convinced her to tackle Fur Elise instead. But her piano teacher is willing to introduce her to the Moonlight Sonata! Strategy for success: Seek expert assistance.
• Take online course: I missed the January deadline for the current set of online courses, so we'll have to try for the next set. Strategy for success: Try, try again.
• 10 minutes daily prayer: This would be easier for her if we had a consistent bedtime. Strategy for success: More disciplined household.

6. Marga (9):

• 5 gold medals: Marga has won some gymnastics medals, but no first place yet. It's difficult to juggle fourth grade homework and six hours of practice per week. Strategy for success: Better time management
• Pass the state tests: We've asked the school district to give Marga extra help and her teacher is convinced she'll get it. Strategy for success: Seek expert assistance.
• Add mental prayer to bedtime prayer: Marga still prefers to pray out loud. Strategy for success: Talk to her more about what mental prayer is and how to do it.

7. Cecilia (7):

• 15 to 20 medals: C.C. has already won 5 medals at her first competition. This will be a piece of cake!
• Prepare for confession and communion: C.C. has memorized her Act of Contrition, thanks to the parochial school teachers. Strategy for success: Seek outside assistance.
• Discover academic interests: Nothing on this so far. Strategy for success: Review and renew.

8. Emma (5):  

• Better speech: I need to get Emma's speech evaluated to see if she qualifies for speech therapy. Strategy for success: Seek expert assistance.
• More fluent reading: This is tied in to my resolution to help the kids more with homework. We haven't gotten far yet. Strategy for success: More parental assistance.
• No spoiling: I didn't give her dessert when she refused to eat her meatloaf. Yay! Strategy for sucess: Rock-solid determination

Have you stuck with your New Year's resolutions? What about your family? Review those resolutions, and renew them!



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"We-Time" Is Better Than "Me-Time"

Long weekends are the perfect time to follow Pope Francis' now famous (and often-repeated) advice to "waste time with your children." Introverts like me definitely need to be reminded that fun time doesn't have to be alone time. Working for the family is important, but so is relaxing with the family.

Having a family can feel like you need to give of yourself twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. This is true whether you spend most of your waking hours at your career or at home with the kids. And yet, this feeling is not limited to family life. It is part of the life of service to which every Christian is called.

Imagine the daily life of a priest in a typical suburban parish. Every minute of their days seems filled with celebrating Sacraments, saying Masses, and endless phone calls and meetings. Priests typically have more “spiritual children” than any layperson could ever have. Religious brothers and sisters are not exempt, either. The Benedictine philosophy of work, for example, is 8 hours of work, 8 hours of prayer, and 8 hours of rest. (Think prayer is not demanding work? You try praying for 8 hours.) In short, the life of a Christian always requires giving until it hurts.

This does not mean that leisure time or relaxation is bad (unless it's totally self-centered!). Leisure time spent in strengthening our relationship with family and friends can renew our spirits and bring joy to our life. Leisure time spent developing our talents can bring us closer to the person God wants us to be. It can also help us to enjoy God’s creation. For example, Pope John Paul II frequently spent time in the great outdoors, hiking and skiing in the natural beauty that God created.

Leisure time is actually a wonderful gift from God. On the seventh day of creation of the world, God rested and showed us that rest was good (Gen 2:2-3). Rest is necessary to restore our physical and mental health. You could almost call it a duty. Jesus himself once commanded the apostles, “Come away … and rest a while” (Mk 6:31).

Rest is not the same as “me-time,” which today’s culture relentlessly attempts to convince us we need. Can you imagine telling Mother Teresa that she just needed a little “me-time” at the mall, with a coffee-shop latte or a fast-food burger? True leisure is also not slumping on the couch watching hour after hour of questionable television shows that leave us feeling drained rather than rested. Healthy, holy rest rejuvenates us so that we can resume work more energetically and cheerfully, ready to share with others what God has given us.

A version of this article appeared first on Catholic365.com.

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Living God's Will Mega Giveaway: Jan. 12-18 Only!!

My husband and I have teamed up with Catholic personalities like parenting expert Dr. Ray Guarendi and chastity speaker Jason Evert in a mega giveaway for this week only. I will definitely be claiming my free copy of resources like Dr. Ray's book When Faith Causes Family Friction. Religious differences are a problem in so many marriages, and people are aching to find good advice on the topic!

But the giveaway doesn't just offer marriage and family resources. The giveaway's organizer, Christina Weber of Catholic Women's Guide, has collected invaluable resources in the areas of spirituality, life vision, health, wealth and abundance, business and relationships. Each expert was hand selected by Christina. According to her, "the common denominator of all those invited is that there is something special in how they are attempting to live their lives in alignment with God’s will. Their lives reflect a sincere attempt to build Christ’s kingdom in both ordinary and extraordinary ways and I hope that their witness will be an inspiration and encouragement to you."

Christina asked us to share “the good stuff” in this giveaway – “meaty” training content, strategies, tips, templates and tools that you can put into place immediately to begin seeing results. She asked us to condense and share our secrets to creating God’s richness in our lives as a result of understanding, obeying, and living God’s will in our areas of emphasis. And we couldn't be more excited to share...

Already know you want in? 
Starting Jan. 12 at 11 a.m. EST, get access to your free gifts here:
www.livinggodswill.com

Trying to make all the puzzle pieces fit together in your life can be quite overwhelming. We can totally relate to the longing to please God, but not always being 100% confident we are on track in every area. Frustrated with seeming to excel in doing God’s will in one area, but recognizing you’re falling down in another...Worried you might not be covering all of the bases in the unique life mission God has for you...Tired of spending more time in discouragement, confusion, and being TOO busy (Satan’s acronym for B-ound, U-under, S-atan’s, Y-oke), than in living in the present moment with those you love and all God has created, basking in gratitude over the God’s great abundance in your life.

We are all in the same boat -- but with help and support of mentors willing to share their genius there’s no need to recreate the wheel on how to flourish. The more good people out there who are empowered to share their unique gifts and talents with the world, in service to others to build Christ’s kingdom...the better off the entire world will be! So accept these great resources. They're helpful and free!

Here’s a sneak peek of just a few of the gifts being offered in the Living God's Will 2016 Resources Extravaganza:

• LIFE VISION – Learn a Powerful, Right & Left Brain Tool for Tapping into God’s Word for Better Clarity in Achieving Your Unique Mission for 2016
• SPIRITUALITY – Gain Insights to Help You Know and Respond to Your Specific Heavenly Call
• HEALTH – Learn Better Ways to Get Out Of Your Own Way and Let the Powerful Body God Gave You Activate Its Own Healing Process
• WEALTH / ABUNDANCE – Integrate These Simple Tips to Keep the Domestic Demands of Daily Life from Crushing Your Spirit
• BUSINESS – Cut through Satan’s Confusion with This Simple One Page Strategic Plan Template Designed to Help You Serve More Clients, Have a Greater Impact, and Live Out God’s Will in Your Business
• RELATIONSHIPS – Incorporate These Inspirations on How to Tap into God’s Everlasting Love to Make Your Marriage Better Today

The giveaway starts Tuesday, January 12, at 11 a.m., and it will last until Monday, January 18. To claim your gifts, just visit www.livinggodswill.com. Get the help and support you need to effectively live a Christ-centered life!