12 Hints for a Happier, Holier Marriage

Every married couple's Kryptonite is different. Some couples have no financial problems, but strain to maintain a healthy work/life balance. Some couples will happily serve the poorest of the poor in a soup kitchen, but have trouble inhabiting the same room with their in-laws. That's why the Vatican has recommended no less than 12 topics to be covered in pre-Cana marriage preparation programs. Unfortunately, a lot of programs leave crucial information out.

So, to make up for what went missing, my husband and I wrote a Catholic marriage advice book covering all 12 topics, from finances and work to community service and relationships with in-laws, plus everything in between. The book is called The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime. Below you'll find some of our best hints from the book, arranged by topic, plus links to free downloadable worksheets.

Personality Differences:

Marriage is quite an adventure, and somehow never exactly what we expect. Our God, after all, is a God of surprises, as Pope Francis is fond of saying. The first bump in the road that many couples encounter is overcoming personality differences. Opposites really do attract, and that adds to the excitement but can also create conflict.

Hint #1: Overcome your differences by searching for and finding common ground, and relying on God who loves you both equally. Help: Download Chapter 1 worksheet.

Sacramentality & the Saints:

Nowadays, fewer Catholics are choosing to get married in the Church than at any other time in recent history. Many people don’t realize what a wonderful treasure Catholic marriage is! The graces of the sacraments -- especially Holy Matrimony, the Eucharist, and confession -- are a powerful aid to couples in their everyday struggles and in times of great crisis. And the saints, our cheering section in the next life, are willing and eager to help husbands and wives get each other to heaven.

Hint #2: Seek help from the Church on earth and in heaven. Help: Download Chapter 2 worksheet.

In-Laws:

Marriage is more than the union of just two people. It’s also a union of two families. Many couples struggle with learning to love their in-laws. It helps to remember that in most cases what the in-laws really want is for your marriage to be successful, long-lasting, and happy. By loving our in-laws and extended family members, we follow Jesus’ command to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Hint #3: Listen respectfully to your in-laws' advice, even if you don't ultimately follow it. Help: Download Chapter 3 worksheet.

Work/Life Balance:

Whether we work at home or in an office, nobody wants to feel like a gerbil on a wheel. Work is meant to be more than that, and deep inside we all know it. A lot of effort can be poured into finding a “dream” job or career, and that’s certainly a worthy goal. But sometimes we’re called to bloom where we’re planted and to recognize that all work has value in the eyes of God.  Realizing the supernatural worth of our work will help us to prioritize well: first, God; then, family; and last, work.

Hint #4: Do all your work with love and care because God is your ultimate "boss." Help: Download Chapter 4 worksheet.

Finances:

Marital finances are a hot-button issue for many couples. But frequently couples are fighting over who’s in control and who gets to make the decisions as much as they’re fighting over the money itself. It helps for them to commit fully to the idea that what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. It helps even more for them to realize that everything that is theirs has been given to them by our loving God. We are not so much owners as we are stewards, caretakers of God’s blessings.

Hint #5: When it comes to money, be "we-centered" rather than "me-centered." Help: Download Chapter 5 worksheet.

Family community service:

Jesus wants us to feel a special love for the poorest and most vulnerable among us. That’s one reason why programs for the Sacrament of Confirmation stress community service so heavily. But community service doesn’t have to be relegated to the teenage years. Families can reach out to meet their neighbors’ physical and spiritual needs in ways that amount to priceless gifts.

Hint #6: Help out your neighbors in small, meaningful ways by hosting a play date or buying an extra gallon of milk for them on your grocery run. Help: Download Chapter 6 worksheet.

Sexuality:

One of the most misunderstood areas of Catholic teaching is sexuality. Many people are shocked to learn that the Catechism calls married sexuality “a source of joy and pleasure” and “a sign and pledge of spiritual communion” (CCC 2360-62). Catholicism regards sexuality as a precious gift from God, enriching marriages on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

Hint #7: Communicate (often!) about sex in a positive and intimate way. Help: Download Chapter 7 worksheet.

Fertility:

Women especially are taught to fear their fertility during their teen years when adults (with the best of intentions) warn of the dangers of getting pregnant through premarital sex. Many married couples hold onto that fear, worrying about the impact of children on finances or career plans. NFP encourages the mindset that fertility is a great blessing. It helps couples to avoid or achieve pregnancy in an effective, safe, ethical, and relatively inexpensive way.

Hint #8: Gain a greater appreciation for your fertility through Natural Family Planning. Help: Download Chapter 8 worksheet.

Big families, special-needs kids, adoption & more:

No matter how big our hearts are at the start, they can always grow bigger. Many special family circumstances challenge parents to do more than they think they ever possibly could. Challenges like big families, special-needs children, adopting, fostering, and stepparenting can all be transformed into channels of God's all-powerful grace.

Hint #9: Ask yourselves how far you can open your hearts to new challenges. Help: Download Chapter 9 worksheet.

Parenting:

There is no greater responsibility than parenting well. Our children are God's gifts to us, and they will shape the world of the future. We are called to nurture our children's bodies, minds, and souls, forming them in Christ. "If we are like pencils in the hands of God, as Mother Teresa said, then each of our children is a sketch destined to become a masterpiece," we wrote in The Four Keys to Everlasting Love.

Hint #10: Parent with heavenly purpose. Help: Download Chapter 10 worksheet.

Prayer:

In the day-to-day grind of life, it can be easy to forget that what we do now has consequences for eternity. This is especially true in the hustle and bustle of family life. Through the eyes of faith, we can see that our families are "domestic churches," where we share God's divine love with each other and strengthen each other's faith. A rich family prayer life can bring great peace to our homes.

Hint #11: Grow closer together and closer to God through a deeper shared prayer life.  Help: Download Chapter 11 worksheet.

Imitating Jesus, Mary & Joseph:

The Holy Family is the best role model that any family could possibly ask for. Our Blessed Mother Mary is a shining example of grace under pressure, faith in the face of uncertainty, and perseverance through the hardest of life's challenges. St. Joseph is a pre-eminent father figure, protective, strong, and willing to share all with no expectation of return.

Hint #12: Don't just ask yourselves, "What would Jesus do," or WWJD? Ask "What would the Holy Family do," or WWHFD? Help: Download Chapter 12 worksheet.

What's your Kryptonite? We'd love to hear from you in the comments below. And if you'd like to continue the conversation, please join our online book club (Sept. 10-Dec. 3) by clicking here.

2016 Theology of the Body Congress Round-up

A record number of nearly 1,000 Catholics gathered at the 2016 Theology of the Body Congress in Southern California last week. Participants attended three days of workshops, panel discussions, and keynote speeches by key figures like Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone of San Francisco.

I'm so sad that I couldn't make it out to Southern California for the Congress, but I've gathered a few fun links from around the web about it.

1. Best Reporting

And... the award for best opening day reporting goes to Lisa Hendey of CatholicMom.com, who told us what she learned in talks by TOB expert Bill Donaghy and anti-porn activist Fr. Sean Kilcawley of Integrity Restored and the Office of Family Life and Evangelization for the Diocese of Lincoln. Click here to read Lisa's post. 

Award for best after-the-fact summary goes to this excellent summary of talks on sexuality, celibacy, contraception, pornography, feminism, the single life, and communion for the divorced and civilly remarried. Click here to read the article from Our Sunday Visitor.

2. Best Wrap-Up

Ascension Press is offering an 8GB USB flash drive containing 39 talks from the 2016 TOB Congress in MP3 format for $149.95. Pricey, but less than a 3-day trip to the West Coast.

3. Best Tweet Conversation

The funniest tweet conversation about the TOB Congress highlights the dangers of using big words on Twitter. Starring chastity speaker, film critic, and religious sister extraordinaire Sr. Helena Burns.

 

Sr Helena Burns, fsp‏@SrHelenaBurns

I don't believe in panaceas. But Theology of the Body is a panacea.

 Sr Helena Burns, fsp Retweeted

Ashley ‏@Vintage_Sister 1h1 hour ago 

Ashley Retweeted Sr Helena Burns, fsp

I was skimming through tweets and thought this said pancakes. TOB is a pancake?

 Sr Helena Burns, fsp Retweeted

Fr. Darryl Millette ‏@frdarryl 54m54 minutes ago 

Fr. Darryl Millette Retweeted Sr Helena Burns, fsp

I first misread this as "I don't believe in pancreas." I apparently need much more coffee on #NationalCoffeeDay.

How Catholic Geeks Schooled Me On Love #TOBTalk

The 2016 Theology of the Body Congress starts tomorrow in California, and I'm bummed that I can't go. But I still get to share the wonderful news about the goodness of God, of sex, and our bodies through the #TOBTalk campaign (search #TOBTalk on Twitter for more). And I'm hoping somebody brings home a program for me so I can see our book The Four Keys to Everlasting Love listed in the resource section!

I first encountered Pope St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body (TOB) in New York City during the late 1990s, when I was still a practicing Episcopalian. The vibrant Catholic scene teemed with young professionals at the top of their game, working, playing, and praying in the city that never sleeps.

I was proud of my geek status as a Manhattan litigator who had graduated high school at age 14, college at 18, and law school at 21. But there ain't no geek like a Catholic geek. I couldn't hold a candle to these people. In addition to mastering their professional fields, these young Manhattan Catholics of the JPII generation read papal encyclicals on their lunch break and quoted the documents of Vatican II by paragraph number. In this hotbed of faith and learning, JPII's TOB was just catching fire.

In 1997, Pauline Books published the first full-length English translation of the 129 talks that made up TOB. Two years later, George Weigel's definitive biography of Pope John Paul II declared TOB to be "a theological time bomb waiting to go off."

Around this time, my Catholic suitor, one-on-one evangelist, and future husband Manny invited me to join a book club discussing the precursor to TOB -- the book Love & Responsibility, which was written when Pope John Paul II was still Karol Wojtyla. With its detailed analysis of complex theological and philosophical concepts, JPII's writing sang serenades to the geek in me.  The fact that his subject matter was love, romance, and sexuality didn't hurt either.

Like most 20-something urbanites, I had muddled ideas about sex. A part of me thought sex was the road to happily ever after, but that definitely hadn't worked out for me in real life."To find your prince, first you have to kiss a lot of frogs," one of my roommates cynically declared. I was tired of frogs.

My mother's birds-and-bees advice to the teen me had included lessons like "men think of sex like hamburger -- they might enjoy it, but no one actually remembers all the hamburgers they've ever eaten." The main idea was that for at least half the population, sex was a feel-good activity that had no emotional value, much less a transcendental one. From there, it was a short hop, skip, and jump to the notion that God didn't really care about sex either. In my mind, sex wasn't "right" or "wrong." It just was.

But if sex had no moral weight or transcendental value, then why did the break-up of a romantic relationship feel like the loss of a limb? Popular theologians like Christopher West (who wrote TOB Explained in 2003) pointed out that sex is meant to bond or unite two people together forever. When "two become one flesh" through sex and then break off that sexual relationship, they feel torn apart on the inside because they are.

This outlook made sense, not just at an intellectual level, but at a gut level, too. Sex was made for lifelong union. And it was made for babies, also. Sex creates life, and that's part of God's plan. As I learned more about Pope John Paul II's teachings, I could feel my worldview realigning like a spine under the hands of a talented chiropractor. I was happier, healthier, and on my way to converting to Catholicism, marrying in the Church, and birthing a passel of beautiful babies.

So, TOB taught me the transcendental value of sex. God does care about sexuality and procreation. He's not a kill-joy, he's a generator of joy. The excitement of romance, the pleasure of sex, the satisfaction of lifelong married love, and the fulfillment of parenting are all joy-filled gifts he gives us. God's love is meant to excite us, please us, satisfy us, and fulfill us. This is the epiphany that TOB sparked in me, and one that I'm honored to proclaim.

This article appeared originally on Catholic365.com. Image Copyright 2016 by Bill Donaghy.

Turning into a Happier, Holier Family, or WWHFD? (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is the twelfth and final installment in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 12

Turning into a Happier, Holier Family:

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Can Show You How

The Holy Family is the best role model that any family could possibly ask for. Our Blessed Mother Mary is a shining example of grace under pressure, faith in the face of uncertainty, and perseverance through the hardest of life's challenges. St. Joseph is a pre-eminent father figure, protective, strong, and willing to share all with no expectation of return. As individuals we can ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do," or WWJD? As members of a family we can ask ourselves, "What would the Holy Family do," or WWHFD?

Manny and Karee describe the Holy Family in Chapter 12 of The Four Keys: "God was the center of their lives -- not sex, money, or even work. The Holy Family shows us that marriage is more than just the union of two people. Marriage is the union of two people with God through each other."

Chapter 12 sums up each of the four essential characteristics of faithful, free, fruitful, and total married love and shows how Mary and Joseph modeled those characteristics throughout their lives. The example of the Holy Family reveals how:

• to remain faithful in times of joy and sorrow
• to use our freedom wisely to work and serve for others' sake
• to cherish our spouses' precious bodies, and
• to love totally through self-giving parenting and constant prayer

As Manny and Karee say, "God has handed you the keys to everlasting love: how to love faithfully, freely, fruitfully, and totally, both now and forever. Unlock the door and step through."

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going between yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.

1.  Do you see any similarities between your life and the Holy Family's? What are they?

2.  How easy is it to make God the center of your family life? What would make it easier?

3. What pulls you away from God the most?

4.  What unites you most as a couple? As a family? How can you become more united?

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Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self: Contraception, NFP & IVF (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is number eight in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 8

Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self:
Finding a Better Alternative to Artificial Birth Control & IVF

According to Pope Francis, when we rob sexual acts of their natural fruitfulness by using contraception, we disfigure married love (Amoris Laetitia, 80). But 75% of sexually active Catholics use artificial birth control, according to one 2006-2010 study. So what's causing the major disconnect between what the Church teaches and what vast numbers of Catholics actually do? One big cause is fear.

Women especially are taught to fear their fertility during their teen years when adults (with the best of intentions) warn of the dangers of premarital sex. In addition, many couples worry about the impact of children on finances or career plans. "Women can be put into a state of constantly fighting their fertility, chemically suppressing it when it's at its height and then trying to jump-start it as it diminishes," say Manny and Karee in Chapter Eight of The Four Keys.

Natural Family Planning (or NFP) assists women in breaking that vicious cycle. NFP encourages the mindset that fertility is a great blessing. It helps couples to avoid or achieve pregnancy in an effective, safe, ethical, and relatively inexpensive way. And it helps them develop the gift of sexual self-control. In Chapter Eight, Manny and Karee offer scads of helpful information on contraception, NFP, and IVF, including:

• the medical dangers of artificial birth control
• the financial, emotional, and ethical downsides to IVF
• the advantages of using NFP to achieve or avoid pregnancy
• selecting the right method of NFP to fit your lifestyle

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going between yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.

1.  Do you and your spouse agree on the morality of contraception? If you don't, how do you cope with this disagreement?





2.  What have you heard (good and bad) about NFP?






3. Do you or anyone you know use NFP? What were the most powerful reasons influencing the choice to use NFP?





4.  Which NFP method do you think might work best for you and why?






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Turning Spouses into Life-Giving Lovers: The Creative Power of Sex (4 Keys Downloadable Worksheet)

This is number seven in a series of downloadable worksheets to use at home, in small groups, or during break-out sessions with our Catholic marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love. TO DOWNLOAD AND PRINT, CLICK HERE.

Chapter 7

Turning Spouses into Life-Giving Lovers:
The Creative Power of Sex

One of the most misunderstood areas of Catholic teaching is sexuality. Many people are shocked to learn that the Catechism calls married sexuality “a source of joy and pleasure” and “a sign and pledge of spiritual communion” (CCC 2360-62). Catholicism regards sexuality as a precious gift from God, enriching marriages on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

But unlike the culture around us, Catholicism also regards fertility, which is inextricably linked with sexuality, as a precious gift from God. As Manny and Karee say in Chapter Seven of The Four Keys, “Through the conception of a child, a husband and wife are bound together closer than ever before. They become one flesh, even on a biological level. The DNA of the father and the mother combine in a new human being. And the Holy Spirit is there, too, contributing the new person’s soul. It is difficult to imagine a closer unity among husband, wife, and God.” Just like sexuality, fertility is not limited to the physical realm. It has emotional and spiritual aspects as well.

In Chapter Seven, Manny and Karee address some of the common problems couples have with experiencing sexuality and fertility as the great blessings they are meant to be. They give tips on:

• Communicating about sex in a natural and intimate way
• Building healthy body image
• Overcoming the past
• Healing from infidelity and porn addiction

Conversation Starters

You can use the following conversation starters to get a discussion going between yourselves or in a small group. If it helps, think it over on your own time, take it to prayer, and jot down your answers before talking about them.

1. What preconceived notions of sex did you learn from your parents or your peers? Do they differ from the Catholic view of sexuality and, if so, how?





2. How easy is it for you and your spouse to talk about sex? How might you communicate even better?






3. Do you feel there is a “best” time in marriage to start having children? Why?





4. Do you and your spouse agree on how many children to have? If not, what keeps you from reaching an agreement?




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Why I Stand With the 15% of Catholics Who Believe Contraception is Immoral

Today, I welcome Bette Russo, a good friend who just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary last year, to talk about why she stands with the 15% of Catholics who believe contraception is immoral. After receiving her Master's of Science in Education from Hunter College, Bette taught in NYC elementary schools before having her first child. Her daughters Kristin and Liz have both contributed to the blog before!

Artificial birth control (i.e., contraceptives) is a major moral issue even though only a small number of Catholics (15%) and only 6% of non-Catholics agree with the Church's view of contraception as morally wrong. My husband and I are two of those 15% of Catholics who fully agree with our Church’s teaching and have never used contraceptives. We’re married 51 years with 7 children and 33 grandchildren.

I believe that natural law (& God’s law) views the primary purpose of sex to be procreation. The pleasure a couple experiences with sexual intercourse is an additional blessing from God which also strengthens the love between a husband and wife, as well as mutual respect and a bond of intimacy, all of which strengthen the family setting required to nurture and raise children.

The basic purpose of sex is clearly procreation. God’s gifts to the husband and wife of pleasure and intimacy in intercourse should not be violated or abused by preventing unnaturally the primary purpose of procreation. This has been the clear teaching of the Catholic Church for 2000 years and indeed has been the teaching of most Protestant churches until about 1930. The Church’s first Council of Nicea (325 AD) proclaimed this, as did Augustine in 419 AD. Christian leaders such as Martin Luther, John Wesley and John Calvin all stated the same view as the Catholic Church describing the evil nature of contraception.

After having 6 children by age 33, we decided to use Natural Family Planning (NFP). The techniques of NFP are pretty clear and straightforward, but I must admit we occasionally chose to “take a chance” at a time fertility was possible. And so, yes, we had a 7th child, who now himself has 3 kids of his own. And, in all candor, we could not be happier having this wonderful son and his family, who would not exist if we had not “taken a chance.” But our experience with NFP was that it was very, very reliable. Of course, it meant abstaining from sexual activity for about a week every month. How terrible!

But NFP, in our view, is as reliable, and possibly more reliable, than the use of artificial contraceptives. It involves the use of several bodily signs given by nature to a woman to recognize the few days each month during which the chances for conception to occur are indeed quite high, with most other days having chances that are very, very low.

When we got married in 1964, divorce rates were half what they are today. Without question, divorce has serious adverse impacts on the children of such couples. Several studies show a significant correlation between high divorce rates and artificial contraceptive use, while NFP couples have far lower divorce rates.

Contraception has obviously promoted “free love” behavior and other sexual behavior that violates marital fidelity. Women who use NFP, studies have shown, more often have happier marriages, have higher rates of marital relations, have a deeper intimacy  with their husbands, are personally happier, are more religious and attend church more often, are less likely to have an abortion, less likely to have cohabited and less likely to have sex outside of marriage. This greatly benefits not only the couple, but their children and society as well.

Since the continuation of the human race depends on procreation, God clearly intended sexual activity to be viewed as something special, combining love, pleasure and procreation in a special set of actions by married couples intended to also positively affect the raising of children by a loving and caring mother and father.

Fruitful Love Symbolizes God's Inner Life, says Pope Francis' Amoris Laetitia

This is the third in a series of posts showing how Pope Francis' Amoris Laetitia explores the themes of faithful, free, fruitful and total love (or The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, as we call them in our recently released book). The first two posts examined how sacramental married love is faithful and forgiving and respects personal freedom, according to Pope Francis. This post focuses on the theme of fruitfulness in Amoris Laetitia.

The night before Pope Francis officially released Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love), I was chatting about it with Fr. Dave Dwyer on the Busted Halo radio show. Revealing that he had been able to get his hands on an advance copy, Fr. Dave told me, "You're going to love it. He says a lot about fruitfulness."

And Fr. Dave was right. Amoris Laetitia includes an entire chapter entitled "Love Made Fruitful," which praises both sexuality and fertility as gifts from God. The Washington Post trumpeted: "It is, perhaps, a strange lesson from a pope: Even the erotic can be divine." Never mind that popes, most notably St. John Paul II, have taught this lesson since the late 1970s. And although one blogger "derisively dubbed" Pope Francis' exhortation "The Joy of Sex," it could just as easily bear the name "The Joy of Fruitfulness."

Stressing the generous cooperation of parents in God's plan for creation, Pope Francis states:

The couple that loves and begets life is a true, living icon – not an idol like those of stone or gold prohibited by the Decalogue – capable of revealing God the Creator and Saviour. For this reason, fruitful love becomes a symbol of God’s inner life (cf. Gen 1:28; 9:7; 17:2-5, 16; 28:3; 35:11; 48:3-4). .... Seen this way, the couple’s fruitful relationship becomes an image for understanding and describing the mystery of God himself, for in the Christian vision of the Trinity, God is contemplated as Father, Son and Spirit of love (11).

Pope Francis sees a strong connection between the themes of faithfulness and fruitfulness. The "joys and sacrifices" of faithfulness "bear fruit as the years go by and the couple rejoices to see their children’s children," says the pope (231). For that reason, the Church is "grateful" for "the witness of marriages that have not only proved lasting, but also fruitful and loving" (38).

Perhaps in penance for his earlier off-the-cuff comment that Catholics don't have to breed like rabbits, Pope Francis emphasizes that "large families are a joy for the Church" because "they are an expression of the fruitfulness of love" (167). He also reaffirms Catholic teaching against the practice of abortion and contraception.

But Pope Francis also goes beyond the concept of physical fertility by talking about "an expanding fruitfulness" (178-184). He encourages both adoption and foster care, saying that they "express[] a particular kind of fruitfulness in the marriage experience, and not only in cases of infertility. ....They make people aware that children, whether natural, adoptive or taken in foster care, are persons in their own right who need to be accepted, loved and cared for, and not just brought into this world" (180).

The pope pointedly remarks: "We also do well to remember that procreation and adoption are not the only ways of experiencing the fruitfulness of love" (181). He gives examples of what our book calls "emotional" or "spiritual" fertility:

Each of us is a “fisher of men” (Lk 5:10) who in Jesus’ name “casts the nets” (cf. Lk 5:5) to others, or a farmer who tills the fresh soil of those whom he or she loves, seeking to bring out the best in them. Marital fruitfulness involves helping others, for “to love anybody is to expect from him something which can neither be defined nor foreseen; it is at the same time in some way to make it possible for him to fulfill this expectation” (322).

Pope Francis cautions that "no family" -- even one with many children -- "can be fruitful if it sees itself as overly different or 'set apart'" (182). All families are "called to make their mark on society, finding other expressions of fruitfulness that in some way prolong the love that sustains them" (181). By arousing a desire for God, reflecting the beauty of the Gospel, and serving the poor, a family's "fruitfulness expands and in countless ways makes God’s love present in society," he says (184).

Don't Let Controversy Smear the Gems of Pope Francis' Amoris Laetitia

I woke up early with a lot of the Catholic world on this past Friday to catch the earliest possible glimpse of Pope Francis' exhortation Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love). The pope wanted to challenge people, and he did. But he also penned some remarkably wise and beautiful words on how to have an enduring marriage. Here's my article for Aleteia on the chapters of Amoris Laetitia that Pope Francis wrote directly to married couples.

After nearly eighteen months of speculation, the other shoe has dropped and Pope Francis has finally issued his apostolic exhortation on the 2014-15 Synod of the Family. In true Francis fashion, he has issued a document that he hopes will challenge everyone (para. 7). Against calls for “general rules” or “immoderate … change”, he instead articulates a philosophy of accompaniment, which depends not on rules but on relationships (para. 2). In particular he urges us to cherish the good in every family situation, no matter how irregular (paras. 77, 292).

Apart from sparking an inevitable firestorm of controversy around hot-button issues, Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love) also directs stirringly beautiful words of encouragement and inspiration to married couples in line with the teaching of Pope St. John Paul II. Commentators have long wondered and worried if the thoughts of John Paul II would be reflected in this newest Church pronouncement on the family. The reading guide for bishops, presented earlier this week, reassured clerics that Amoris Laetitia was heavily inspired by the Theology of the Body, the former pontiff’s ground-breaking discourses on marriage and sexuality.

Amoris Laetitia combines brilliant Scriptural analysis akin to John Paul II’s with a healthy dash of Francis’ plain-spoken, homespun wisdom. Its praise of sexual and erotic love echoes Pope Benedict XVI in Deus Caritas Est (God is Love). Pope Francis’ Chapter One on the Biblical basis of marriage tracks the journey of Adam and Eve from solitude to togetherness, and then to suffering and finally redemption through Jesus Christ (paras. 9-22), just as John Paul did II in the opening addresses of the Theology of the Body.

The two “central chapters” of Amoris Laetitia, and the ones in which Pope Francis speaks most directly to married couples, are Chapters Four and Five (paras. 6-7).  Chapter Four leads us line by line through St. Paul’s much-beloved Hymn to Love in  1 Corinthians 13, while Chapter Five focuses on the fruitful love that is “a symbol of God’s inner life” (para. 11). These chapters offer the following strikingly practical insights on how to live the married vocation to the fullest.

See each other (para. 128). “We often hear in families: ’My husband does not look at me’” or “’My wife no longer looks at me, she only has eyes for our children,’” notes Pope Francis. Husbands and wives must not withhold a “look of appreciation,” a gaze of “contemplative love,” even when our spouse has become “infirm, elderly or physically unattractive,” he continues. “Much hurt and many problems result when we stop looking at one another.”

Listen to each other (paras. 100, 137, 139). “How often we hear complaints like: ‘He does not listen to me,’” adds Pope Francis. Husbands and wives show love when we “listen patiently and attentively,” exercising “the self-discipline of not speaking until the time is right.” Our ability to listen depends on whether we cultivate “interior silence” and an ability to acknowledge the worth of the other person and their perspective. “The combination of two different ways of thinking can lead to a synthesis that enriches both,” he wisely observes. 

And when we finally speak, “words should be carefully chosen,” he says. “Those who love are capable of speaking words of comfort, strength, consolation, and encouragement ... not words that demean, sadden, anger or show scorn.”

Touch each other (paras. 148, 157). Authentic married love will “welcome with sincere and joyful gratitude … a caress, an embrace, a kiss and sexual union,” says Francis. The search for sexual pleasure should not resemble an obsessive insatiability, however. “Excess, lack of control or obsession with a single form of pleasure can end up weakening and tainting that very pleasure and damaging family life,” the Pope warns.

Let nothing rob you of the joy of parenthood (paras. 168, 171, 179). “Don’t let fears, worries, other people’s comments or problems lessen your joy,” Pope Francis encourages us. Children are a gift from God, and the conception of each child marks a moment when “the Creator’s eternal dream [of that child] comes true.” The Pope urges married couples, particularly those who struggle with infertility, to adopt or provide foster care, “offering the gift of a family to someone who has none.”

These nuggets of practical wisdom are a small fraction of the treasures to be found in Amoris Laetitia. The broad sweep of the document covers theological issues like the sacramentality and indissolubility of marriage, economic issues like migration and unemployment, and pastoral issues like marriage preparation, the training of priests, and care for the divorced and remarried. With reason, Pope Francis refers to the Synod proceedings as a “multi-faceted gem” and asks us to devote more than “a rushed reading” to his post-Synodal exhortation (paras. 4, 7).

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!: Press Release for The Four Keys

As next week's launch date for The Four Keys to Everlasting Love grows ever nearer, publicity efforts are ramping up. Ave Maria Press drafted this press release to give folks an idea of what can be found inside our book. If you like what you see, please share widely!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

No marriage—even a sacramental one—is free from conflicts about sex, money, child-rearing, in-laws, and work/life balance. In their new book The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, marriage columnist Karee Santos and her husband, Manuel, a psychiatrist who has been counseling couples for more than fifteen years, explore how applying the wisdom of the Catholic faith to marriage can free us to experience deep, lasting, and soul-satisfying love. 

The Santoses draw on real-life stories, scriptural principles, and the timeless wisdom of St. John Paul II to help celebrate the sacrament of Marriage without downplaying the difficulties of married life. In doing so, they will inspire readers to stay in love with each other, Christ, and the wisdom of the Church. 

The Santoses tell their own story as well: how they learned not to cling to personality, culture, or religious differences; how they learned to put family first; how they overcame health crises that exacted a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll; and how they navigated stressful holiday get-togethers with extended family. They let God transform them and make their marriage stronger. 

Each chapter provides discussion questions, action prompts, quotes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church and various popes, and additional online and print resources to stimulate the couple’s conversation, mutual understanding, and positive change. Free worksheets and other supplemental resources are available on the authors’ website, canwecana.blogspot.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS 

Karee Santos is a Catholic blogger and speaker and a writer for the Catholic Match Institute. She has written numerous articles on marriage and family for the National Catholic Register, Catholic Digest, Faith & Family magazine, CatholicLane.com, AmazingCatechists.com, and Aleteia.org. She blogs at Can We Cana?  

Manuel Santos, M.D., is a psychiatrist at Mercy Hospital, Rockville Centre, New York. He also reviews annulment cases for the Marriage Tribunal of the Archdiocese of New York. Dr. Santos is a member of the Sexual Abuse Review Board for the Prelature of the Holy Cross and Opus Dei and also is a member of the Catholic Medical Association, CatholicTherapists.com, and the Society of Catholic Social Scientists. 

The Santoses designed and taught a pre-Cana marriage preparation course, and they write a monthly marriage advice column on CatholicMom.com called “Marriage Rx.” They contribute to FAITH magazine’s “Marriage Matters” advice column. The couple lives in Garden City, New York, with their six children.

The Four Keys to Everlasting Love

How Your Catholic Marriage Can

Bring You Joy for a Lifetime

By Karee Santos

and Manuel P. Santos, M.D.

ISBN: 978-1-59471-603-4

256 pages • $15.95

Catholicism/

Marriage and Relationships

Also available as an eBook

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Click here to purchase on B&N

12 Main Topics Married Couples Need to Know

Catholic couples today desperately need a transfusion of spiritual truths combined with solid practical advice. The Vatican identified the most crucial topics that couples need to know in its document Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage -- and our marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, covers every single one. Each of the book's twelve chapters focuses on a different essential area of concern including:

• personality differences,
• sacramentality,
• dealing with in-laws,
• work/life balance,
• finances,
• community service,
• sexuality,
• fertility,
• special family circumstances,
• parenting,
• prayer, and
• imitating the Holy Family.

As far as we know, there is no other book or program

that addresses all these essential areas.

Take a deeper look at how we did it in this 

Pre-release Table of Contents Reveal:

 

Part I    CALLED TO BE FAITHFUL AND FORGIVING

Chapter 1    Turning Two into One: How to Overcome the Differences That Divide You

Chapter 2    Turning Good Marriages into Pathways to Glory: It’s a Sacrament; It’s a Vocation; It’s a Road Map to Heaven!

Chapter 3    Turning Union into Communion: Extending Your Love to Your In-Laws and Beyond

Part II    CALLED TO BE FREE

Chapter 4    Turning Meaningless Drudgery into Meaningful Work: How to Prioritize God, Family, and Work

Chapter 5    Turning Ownership into Stewardship: Six Tips for Trouble-Free, God-Centered Finances

Chapter 6    Turning Inaction into Action: Families at the Service of Other Families

Part III    CALLED TO BE FRUITFUL

Chapter 7    Turning Spouses into Life-Giving Lovers: The Creative Power of Sex

Chapter 8    Turning the Fear of Fertility into a Total Gift of Self: Finding a Better Alternative to Artificial Birth Control and IVF

Chapter 9    Turning Challenges into Channels of Grace: Big Families, Special-Needs Kids, Adopting, Fostering, and Stepparenting

Part IV    CALLED TO LOVE TOTALLY AND FOREVER

Chapter 10    Turning Children into Adults: Forming Your Children’s Bodies, Minds, and Souls in Christ

Chapter 11    Turning Our Homes into Places of Prayer: The Eternal Consequences of Everyday Family Life

Chapter 12    Turning into a Happier, Holier Family: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Can Show You How

 EXCITING BOOK NEWS!!

The books have reached the warehouse, and we have already held the first copies of The Four Keys to Everlasting Love in our hands! Pre-orders and review copies are being shipped out as we speak. Colleagues have told us that they feel "blown away by the gift this will be for couples." We hope you'll feel the same.

To get the book from Amazon, click here. To get the book from Barnes & Noble, click here. And to get a bulk discount on 5 or more copies from the Ave Maria Press website, click here and type in the promo code 4KEYS when ordering.

A Pornographic Culture (Part II): How to Protect Against the Damage to Intimacy

This is the second and final part of an essay on pornography by Amanda Zurface, a licensed canon lawyer working as the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes, a company committed to Internet accountability and filtering. To read the first part, click here.

Porn Harms Souls and Damages Intimacy

You have now seen how pornography is feeding and affecting our culture, as well as the direct impact it is having on our marginalized brothers and sisters in the sex worker industry. The next question is how does the Pornographic Culture impact those who view or use porn. If you use porn, ask yourselves: How does an addiction to pornography impact your vocational discernment? How does it impact your marriage? How it is impacting the development of your children? How is it impacting your participation at Mass, the Sacraments, and your involvement in your parish community?

To answer these questions, we must talk about sin. The struggles that are involved with pornography are sinful, and often times the activity is very serious sin, known as mortal sin. That’s right, no consumption of pornography can be justified. You have been lied to when you have been told that it’s not sinful or harmful to use pornography in certain circumstances. Some may have told you that it’s OK to use pornography as a form of therapy; that pornography can be a helpful aid in sexual development; or it can be helpful with intimacy between you and your spouse. You are owed an apology if you have ever been told one of these lies. Pornography is always sinful.

With any earthly pleasures that may degenerate into sin, we all know well that they are quickly accompanied by sadness, regret, guilt, deep pain and loneliness. This is especially the case when it comes to sins against the gift of our human sexuality and the misusing of our sexuality. As consumption of pornography grows, men and women begin to lie and cover up their pornography usage, domestic violence and child abuse can begin to occur, families fall apart from the many effects and hardships pornography brings into the family, crime may become an issue -- the list goes on and on. To put it simply, pornography turns us in on ourselves, it suffocates our vocations, it deadens our hearts to spiritual things and God and damages human relationships, and it erodes the family. 

The first to feel the violence of pornography use is always the spouse if the person is married. If the married couple has children, the next to feel its effects are the children. By the presence of pornography, intimacy is taken out of that household. Bishop Loverde says: “The use of pornography damages the very human qualities that make intimacy possible…” 

For more information on how pornography directly impacts one’s marriage, what are the effects of those who give their bodies as objects, particularly women, how it has impacted and accelerated the notion of free sex, and the connection to homosexuality and experimenting with one’s sexuality, I encourage you to visit www.covenanteyes.com and www.integrityrestored.com.

We Can Protect Ourselves Against Porn

To quit viewing pornographic images is difficult, and it is especially difficult when you don’t know where to start. Or, if you’re seeking to protect your marriage and family from the culture’s effects, including protecting your children online, you might be wondering where to start. Here are a few tips!

• Read the United States Catholic Bishops, Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography.
• Set yourself up with the Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability and Filtering Software.
• If you have an addiction to pornography or other sexual addictions, frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but also seek out spiritual direction. Through spiritual direction and confession, you may consider the benefit of seeking out a professional therapist.
• Your children need you to guide them. Have ongoing healthy and God-centered conversations about sexual temptations and what it is they see and do online. Educate yourself with the free e-book Parenting the Internet Generation.
• Renew your commitment to your spouse before God. Pray as a family. Pray the rosary and entrust your family to care of St. Joseph.
• Keep the Sabbath holy. Go to Mass every Sunday and daily, if you can.
• Learn about Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.
• Admit you are wrong and need to change. Seek to develop deep and authentic friendships.
• Find one or two faithful Catholic friends who can hold you accountable for living your faith.
• Fast and if necessary, discontinue your cable and Internet subscription. Avoid movies and TV shows that objectify the human body. It’s not worth it!
• Pray for the victims of the pornography and human trafficking industry.

Each human being is unique and unrepeatable. Each one of us was created for perfect love. God wants infinitely more for us than what a Pornographic Culture has to offer us. Remember, in our weaknesses, he always offers his mercy, compassion and grace to persevere to overcome obstacles that keep us from fully loving Him and our brothers and sisters. So, here’s the last pointer, don’t give up! Trust in the Divine Mercy of Jesus Christ.

This article was originally printed in Our Northland Diocese. It is lightly edited and reprinted here with permission.