How Learning NFP Led this Couple to Convert to Catholicism: Why NFP?

Alicia and Thomas Sanjurjo have been married for 10 years, have 5 kids on the every-other-year-plan (ages 9,7,5,3,2) and have heard every inquiry about their family size as if it were bizarre. Is five really that many? Thomas works at Nativity Catholic School in Brandon, Florida as the technology teacher for grades K-8. Alicia is an accomplished librarian, channeling her book prowess into intensive home schooling / circus training (serious on the home schooling, only partly joking on the circus training). They've been using NFP since 2009.

1. Why do you use NFP?

The practical one in our marriage (Alicia) says we use NFP to space pregnancies. Which is absolutely true.  Otherwise, we'd have children one on top of the other. But we have also found a great many other benefits, spiritual, emotional, and physical, because of it. In particular, we credit learning about Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body while learning about NFP for our entering into the Catholic Church in 2010.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

We use the Sympto-Thermal method presented by Couple to Couple League International. It's very easy to understand, not at all intrusive, and if you don't start in a post-pregnancy cycle, it's probably even really easy to learn (says the voice of experience). It works best for us because Thomas does the charting which allows us to both be aware of our fertility. Alicia points out that Thomas is at fault for being fertile all the time, which is true.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

The cons are having to make our own choices about what constitutes a good reason to abstain. We have a running joke that the Church needs to develop a flowchart -- a quick, clear guide on what constitutes a valid reason to abstain.  But there's really no easy answer for it.

Ironically, the pros are getting to make our own choices about what constitutes a good reason to abstain. Everyone's situation is so unique, how we deal with our situation is unique too.

The other benefit that we've found with NFP is the constant awareness we have of each other, from the daily little stresses to the very big ones that would otherwise go unnoticed. We have to talk these through on a regular basis when we're discerning if we are abstaining. We're also very happy about the lack of adding extra chemicals to Alicia's system.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

There are several different teaching methods that work within the Diocese of St. Petersburg (Florida) to share NFP instructional opportunities. There is also a local OB/GYN practice, called Women First Center, which doesn't prescribe birth control. It's a wonderful practice with doctors (a married couple) who teach at parishes about NFP and other pro-life issues.

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

Couple to Couple League has been fantastic. We get a regular news letter from them, and it is always full of great articles, as well as having the ability to retake classes and keep contact with your teaching couple has been very useful. Learning about the Theology of the Body is helpful on a spiritual level, and finding other large families is a must on the social level.

Alicia says that the most beneficial resource she's experienced is going to an obstetrics/gynecology practice where she isn't treated like an alien for not being interested in contraceptives.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

We both agree it would be a lot quieter around here! We both always wanted a large family, but we had originally talked about waiting to have kids. Then we were convicted about not using contraceptives due to a public service announcement on our local Catholic radio. The month we celebrated our first wedding anniversary, we had our oldest child.

When we look back now, had we waited, it's likely we would have decided there were too many risks involved in having even as many kids as we have now. Add to that the fact that we wouldn't have had to discuss *why* we were contracepting, and just lived with it as status quo until we wanted to try again.

Even without wanting a large family, making a choice to welcome a new life is much more immediate than waiting as many as three menstrual cycles to come off of a hormonal contraceptive. The reason we turned to NFP was because they started coming so quickly. :^) As is, five honestly doesn’t seem like that many, though. Just one handful.

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When Infertility is a Gift: Why NFP?

Liz and Kent Gilges have experienced great joy and great suffering through their six children. Their eldest child, Elie, died at age 10 of an incurable brain tumor, which Kent chronicled in a heartwrenchingly beautiful memoir called A Grace Given.  In this latest installment of Why & How Natural Family Planning Works for Us, Liz and Kent explain how infertility -- which they detected by using NFP  -- can sometimes feel like a great blessing.

1. Why do you use NFP?

We had many reasons to use NFP, and they changed along the way. Although I believe it's what God wants, Kent wasn't Catholic when we got married and he wasn't fond of Natural Family Planning. He called it Natural Family Having.

I always wanted to get married and be a mom. When we got engaged, I started using NFP to track my cycles just as a matter of course, not to avoid or achieve pregnancy. I wanted a big family. But then we reached the point where we had four children under the age of 5 (including a set of twins), and our oldest child Elie was severely mentally and physically handicapped because of her brain tumor. It was a big strain on our marriage. Still, I wanted to have more children.

A priest told me to be grateful for what we had instead of wanting more. So we used NFP to avoid another pregnancy. That worked on my husband's heart to appreciate the kids that we had, and then he wanted more kids. It was a role reversal. We had two more children, and when our littlest was 11 months old, Elie died.

For years after that, we badly wanted another child, because we felt that our family was empty. We were actively trying, but the babies just weren't coming. Seven years after Elie died, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through a mastectomy, chemo, medication. I absolutely was not supposed to get pregnant while on the medication. At that point, I figured that God knew we were open to life, so we were definitely the exception to the rule against artificial contraception.

When I asked a priest what we should do, he didn't suggest artificial contraception, which was kind of shocking to me under the circumstances. Instead, he said to learn a new kind of NFP since the old way wasn't working due to how the medication affected my body. The new way of NFP showed that I wasn't having any cycles at all, the hormone levels just weren't rising or falling. I told my doctor, and even though he resisted the idea since I was only 44, he finally ran a blood test on my hormone levels. The levels were consistent with someone who had been in menopause for 5 years already.

I felt God had answered my prayers by giving me the gift of being infertile so I didn't have to worry about my health, the intimate part of our marriage, or about following God's will by remaining open to life. It was a win-win-win situation.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

In the beginning of our marriage, we used the symptothermal method because I was very regular. It really fit my lifestyle -- take my basal body temperature once in the morning, and done. But after the cancer, I wasn't cycling at all. My temperature was always low because of the drug, and in the symptothermal method that's an indication that you're fertile, so we couldn't have relations.

So we switched to the Creighton method, which tracks mainly cervical mucus, and the method itself was nearly unbearable for me. It required constant checking, always paying attention, and we had to pay for lessons with a Nurse Practitioner. Not everyone can do that. I thought God was asking too much. But it was the Creighton indicators that revealed my infertility and convinced my doctor to confirm it with a blood test.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

Pros: The biggest pro is that God really knows better. He's the best planner. I had two miscarriages after our eldest daughter Elie was born, but she got so sick so young. She needed me. We also wanted another child very much after Elie died, but we actually needed time to grieve and the cancer was coming.

Using NFP to avoid pregnancy after the twins were born helped Kent to appreciate the good in our kids and to want more. The first babies were my choice but then later he really had a desire for us to have more children.

Cons: The culture tells us we can do whatever, whenever, and it's very countercultural to act with self-control and self-discipline. We're not one of those couples who say NFP's been great for our marriage and we love it! It's been challenging. It takes sacrifices, especially for the man.

But when you're sick with breast cancer and lying in bed for 6 months, you also abstain. At that point in our lives, abstaining wasn't something completely foreign to us. So NFP taught us how to sacrifice early on.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

We live in the Diocese of Rochester, and there's two teachers for the Creighton method and two teaching couples from the Couple-to-Couple League. The new bishop is wonderful, and we hope he will put even more NFP resources in place. [Editor's Note: The diocesan web site also provides links to two short YouTube video testimonials on NFP, as well as downloadable brochures and bulletin inserts.]

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

We love the newsletter from the Couple-to-Couple League. Also, we used a very old book called The Joy in Sexuality and Fertility Control. We used it for more than 20 years.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

I can't imagine it would have been better. I don't know if my husband would have been as wonderful as he was accepting all the changes in my body and sacrifices in our intimate life that came with the cancer.  I think it would have made it much more difficult. 

"I Gained a Better Appreciation of My Wife": Why NFP?

James and Karen join us this month in a "he said"- "she said" explanation of why they use Natural Family Planning (NFP). Karen experienced bad mood swings on hormonal birth control, which wasn't good for their relationship. Although they originally tried NFP and gave up on it, they eventually returned. Karen enthuses, "It's like a health checkup every month!" and James says that NFP has given him a greater appreciation of Karen -- "not just sexually, but about all of who she is." For more posts in the monthly interview series Why and How Natural Family Planning Works for Us, click here.

Hello, we are Karen and James, and we have been married for 12 years. We tried to use NFP early in our marriage, gave up, then came back to it. Since then, we have been using it for about 2 1/2 years. We have two living children ages 10 and 8 and one in heaven from an ectopic pregnancy. 

1. Why do you use NFP?

K: Health reasons. Birth control does not agree with my body.

J: Health reasons. She was having some health issues and we figured out that the birth control  was the cause of it.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

K: Billings Ovulation Method, but with a basal body temperature cross-check. So Billings-thermal. [Editor's Note: The Billings Ovulation Method works by tracking the woman's production of cervical mucus. Cervical mucus looks and feels different during fertile times. A woman's basal body temperature rises noticeably after ovulation, so tracking temperature changes can confirm that ovulation has occurred and the rest of the cycle will be infertile days.]

J: Karen has also used some of the cheap over-the-counter pregnancy kits that you can get on Amazon at 50 for $10. I don't know how reliable the kits are on their own, but they do a good job at confirming the other signs.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

K:

Pros: I'm not crazy or moody or with PMS half the month. When we do get to have sex, it's really good sex. It's nice to know what my body is doing when. It's like a health checkup every month!

Cons: We don't get to have as much sex as we want. It is extremely hard to learn while sexually active, especially if barrier methods are not an option during the learning curve. Girls should learn this as teenagers, before they are sexually active.

J:

Pros: Karen's a lot healthier and doesn't have the crazy mood swings she used to have. It's good to know how her hormones impact her mood so that I can be better prepared. The sex has gotten better, too. It's no longer something we take for granted.

Cons: The abstinence, especially when you don't know how long it's going to be. Also, it can take time to find a teacher you work well with and a method that works for you.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

J: The Diocese of Charleston (South Carolina) is large in area, but has very few Catholics. The Catholic hospitals have classes and some individual teachers teach. The diocese supports NFP, but because it's so spread out, that doesn't mean classes/support/etc. are always accessible.

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

K: The most useful NFP resources have been the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler and our teacher, Kristin Putnam, at nfpaware.com.

J: Kristin and her husband, Tim, have been extremely helpful. As for other resources, Google is your friend. And if you really want to get in-depth with the science, PubMed.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

K: Since making the "switch" we have had better sex, but we don't always get to have as much sex as we want or when we want it. My birth control is no longer making me crazy, which obviously helps our relationship.

J: I have found that I've definitely gained a better appreciation of her, not just sexually, but about all of who she is. The sex is definitely is better—not only is it a lot harder to take for granted when you are using NFP, but the sex we do have is a lot more intimate. Although we don't have any plans for more children, I feel more open to the possibility and that was not the case when we were using contraception.

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No Better Aphrodisiac: Why NFP?

Kevin and Allison Gingras speak honestly about why they switched from artificial birth control to Natural Family Planning (NFP) after discovering, among other things, how artificial birth control can lower a woman's libido. They also cover topics like the effect of peri-menopause, the benefits to using over-the-counter ovulation kits, and how regular times of abstinence can improve intimacy.

Kevin and Allison started out as high school sweethearts who went to both junior and senior prom together, and now they've been married for 25 years. They are proud parents of Ian (age 18), Adam (age 15), and Faith (age 8). Faith, who is deaf, was an extra special gift coming to them all the way from China when she was almost 4 years old. Kevin and Allison began using Natural Family Planning over 20 years ago, after reading about a local class in their church bulletin. Allison blogs at Reconciled to You and is a Catholic radio and tv personality as well as an app developer. You can read Faith's adoption story here and find out how God touched Kevin and Allison's heart to adopt even while they were using NFP to prevent pregnancy.

1. Why do you use NFP?

Our use of NFP coincided with our reversion to the Catholic faith over 20 years ago. We were at a point in our lives where we wanted to open our hearts to children, after living very self-centeredly for the first several years of our married life! I had discovered the horrific things I had subjected my body to by using birth control pills including their abortifacient effect and the increased risk for certain cancers (no one ever bothered explaining that, and I foolishly never read the lengthy pamphlet tucked inside the package each month). We saw a class being offered in our parish bulletin and signed up to learn more. I particularly loved that this method was not just my responsibility, that we’d be achieving and avoiding pregnancy together – yet of course, always open to God’s will.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

We were able to rely only on basal body temperature for 17 years, until Allison began peri-menopause. We have now added the Clear Blue Easy ovulation detector along with temperature charting. To be very honest, this new phase of fertility has been incredibly challenging especially in light of how easy it was for us before this change of life.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

Pros:

Allison: The natural breaks of intimacy that come in conjunction with a woman’s fertility cycle has been one of the most powerful marriage strengtheners. When you are able to say not tonight I’m “not safe” without hurting your husband’s feelings, that is a beautiful blessing. At one point in my life, I was in a Bible study with 40 women, and was one of the only women practicing NFP. One night we had an open honest discussion about sex in marriage – more than half of the women complained about always having to be "on" or "available" to their husbands. They spoke of intercourse with their spouses as a task – one most were not interested in - instead of the bonding, procreative gift from God it truly is. I recognized instantly the negative effect that birth control or sterilization can have on a marriage (nearly all of the women reporting an unhealthy intimacy also confided they were either on some form of birth control or one of spouses had received sterilization surgery).

Another huge benefit, which I never considered when we began our NFP adventure, is being able to accurately estimate the day of conception. This became very helpful when our first child was born 2 months premature – he was such a monster the doctors doubted my actual due date. I told them, if I had time to go home, I would bring them my chart!  After he was born they did the Apgar tests, and lo and behold we were spot on with the gestational age of our little man (who was dubbed as the big man on campus because he was 5 lbs already at only 32 weeks!)

Cons:

Allison: Really I had NONE until peri-menopause. While I want with my WHOLE heart to trust God’s plan for us, the idea of being mid-40s with a new baby is terrifying. I remember sitting in the class as a mid-20something-year-old joking that I’d be the woman with the mid-life baby as we covered that in the class. Now that I’ve arrived in mid-life, it is NOT as funny as I thought, nor am I as willing to be that woman as I was 20+ years earlier. So the con is definitely the extended abstinence couples can face with irregular cycles resulting from peri-menopause.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

The Diocese of Fall River web site lists two NFP teaching couples in the Massachusetts area. But we have not been able to find anyone (except online) to teach a peri-menopause informational update class. That's what we really need.

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you? 

We received all our NFP resources from Couple to Couple League.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

Allison: We know what it was like, because we used them for many years. We had needless arguments and hurt feelings when one of us just wasn’t up for intimacy. I also struggled with a very low libido, a side effect of birth control – this also led to a period in our marriage when my husband really wondered if I loved him or if I was even maybe having an affair because of my lack of interest in being intimate. It was only in hindsight did we recognize that all of these issues, which truly threatened our marriage, were directly related to our use of artificial contraception.

Our marriage with those “natural breaks” that comes from following my cycles provided the healthy balance we needed. It also forced us to learn other ways to express our love and affection apart from having intercourse.  Added bonus, there is -- dare I say -- an excitement that builds with anticipating your safe time together that continues to fan our passion for each other. The grace from being open to life and God’s will are no better aphrodisiacs if you ask me!

The Gingras Kids: Ian, Faith, and Adam

If you enjoyed this post, take a look at these!:

• Why & How NFP Works for Us: New Interview Series!
• Why & How NFP Works for Us: Ben & Tina
• Roundup of Best Posts for NFP Awareness Week 2014

Why and How Natural Family Planning Works for Us: Ben & Tina

This month's Natural Family Planning poster couple (so-to-speak) are Ben & Tina Butera from Bloomingdale, Illinois. They've used NFP for all of their 14-year marriage, and they have three children -- Antonio, age 12, Francesca, age 10, and Marianna, age 7. Although their main reason for using NFP is "doing what God wants," Tina and Ben also received an immense medical benefit when NFP helped them recognize warning signs early in Tina's last pregnancy, leading them to take steps to avoid possible miscarriage. To learn more about Ben and his faith, you can visit his Faith & Reason blog called Two Catholic Men & a Blog.

1. Why do you use NFP?

Aside from the obvious of wanting to live as God wants, we’ve always been uncomfortable with hypocrisy with ourselves or in others. We’re either in or out when doing something important, hot or cold. We live by either all Church teaching or none, and NFP certainly offers better family planning than no method at all. [Editor's Note: The Catechism of the Catholic Church speaks out against artificial contraception, but praises Natural Family Planning.]

It brings a sense of peace to be in line with Church teaching. It is doing what God wants, even when one does not have full comprehension of natural law or the Theology of the Body, plus it’s something we do together.

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

We have always used the sympto-thermal method. We primarily use body temperature and mucus signs, but also other, more subtle signs like cramping, temperament (mood), appetite and time (the day of the fertility cycle), etc.

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

Pros

More knowledge fosters better family planning: It’s not only for avoiding pregnancy and spacing children, but also achieving pregnancy. You’ll know if you’re pregnant before a doctor can know. Many women miscarry without even knowing they were pregnant. We knew we were pregnant with our 3rd child not long after conception and noticed some unusual signs, so my wife consulted with a doctor. A prescription to boost a hormone may have prevented the miscarriage of our youngest daughter.

The method of NFP we use is “green,” costs nothing, and is all-natural. In fact, there are those who use NFP simply because they prefer to do things naturally instead of artificially (no theological reason). It’s really just common sense.

NFP also fosters better communication. Whether avoiding or achieving pregnancy, if you’re going to be intimate with each other, you’ll need to stay in “intimate” communication on a fairly regular basis. It’s gotten better with time for us. We experienced how a women’s cycle can become more regular after having children, which makes NFP easier to do. As you start having children, spacing them out can become more and more important, so the woman’s cycle becomes easier to read. God knows what he’s doing when he designs something. Also, if avoiding pregnancy, the cycles of abstaining and being together mirror a natural dating-honeymoon cycle that continually breathes new life into a marriage.

 Cons

As that Tom Petty song says, “The waiting is the hardest part”. If avoiding pregnancy, waiting until an infertile time can be challenging.  Also, the women may be “in the mood” most around ovulation time. But truly, all the pros far outweigh the cons. If the Church changed its teaching tomorrow (which is not possible by the way), we would still live as we do now.

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

Our diocese, the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois, offers classes on the Billings Ovulation Method (BOMA) of NFP.

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

We basically have only used those resources offered from the Couple to Couple League.

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

It’s hard for us to judge since we have practiced NFP for so long. We think intimate times might become routine or less special. We might see each other more as objects in terms of intimacy. With NFP we are on the same page in terms of when we should be together or not. There is communication even without talking. Without it we might wonder what the other is thinking in terms of when is the next time we might “be together” which could lead to frustration or resentment.

If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• Why and How Natural Family Planning Works for Us: New Interview Series!
• Roundup of Best Posts for NFP Awareness Week 2014
• Why We Don't Use Contraception (Guest Post)

Why and How Natural Family Planning Works for Us: New Interview Series!

Even though most Catholics have heard of natural family planning (or NFP), they don't use it. Some people don't trust that it works to avoid pregnancy, some people can't find a reliable source of information about it, and most doctors sneer at it. Dioceses rarely have the funding to make NFP classes widely available, and many NFP instructors are territorial, insisting that their way is the best and there's no point in researching alternatives.

Although stereotypes abound, the truth is that every couple that uses NFP has a slightly different experience. Couples use NFP for different reasons at different points in their marriage and in their faith journeys. Each encounters a unique set of  pros and cons. Many couples will try out several different methods before finding one that works best with their lifestyle and the woman's particular biology.

If you're considering using NFP, someone else's experience can be your best teacher. That's why I started an interview series for couples to share the knowledge they've gained and the best resources they've found on natural family planning. This new interview series will be posted once a month. Several couples have already signed up to be interviewed, including:

• Ben and Tina Butera, married 14 years with three children (you might know Ben from his writing at Two Catholic Men and a Blog), 
• Allison and Kevin Gingras, married 25 years with three children including one who is adopted (Allison is part of the CatholicMom team and also writes at Reconciled to You), and 
• James and Karen, married 12 years with two living children and one in heaven (James writes at RealCatholicLoveandSex)

Each couple in the series will answer the following questions:

1. Why do you use NFP?

2. Which method of NFP works best for you?

3. What are the biggest pros and cons of using NFP, in your experience?

4. What NFP resources does your diocese have?

5. What NFP resources have been most useful to you?

6. How do you think your marriage would be different if you used artificial contraception instead of NFP?

If you use NFP and would like to share your experiences, please let me know in the comments or by email at santoskaree@gmail.com. If you have specific questions about NFP that you would like answers for, send them along, too! Regardless, please be sure to check back later for posts in this great new series.

If you enjoyed this post, we highly recommend:

• Roundup of Best Posts for NFP Awareness Week 2014
• Why We Don't Use Contraception
• Why Pope Francis Can't Fix Marriage in 5 Easy Steps