In celebration of Natural Family Planning Awareness Week (July 21
– 27), here’s a guest post from James B at RealCatholicLoveandSex.com. James B is my new go-to guy for NFP. His blog, which he runs
with fellow blogger Kate, is chock full of useful and frequently very
entertaining posts.
When James’s wife recently got pregnant although they were using
NFP to avoid pregnancy, James wrote this post to come to terms with it all. But
then James’ wife K lost the baby in one of worst ruptured ectopic pregnancies
the hospital staff had ever seen. In the immediate aftermath, they were just
grateful that K was alive. They realized that if they had not been watching K’s fertility
through tracking the signs using NFP, they might not have raced to the hospital
so quickly when she began to experience abdominal pain. NFP was a real
life-saver for K. But James and K are now struggling to deal with the grief
from the loss of a baby they had just begun to cherish. Please pray for them!
Reason #1
Our older children are thrilled that they are going to be big sisters. Although we have an extra bedroom, they have already decided that the baby will stay in their room when he moves out of ours. Our older daughter can't stop talking about "Baby Bean." She's fascinated with what it looks like and how it's growing.
We’ve had not one, not two, but three surprise
pregnancies while using Natural Family Planning to avoid pregnancy. It’s fair
to say that some people may be wondering why we still believe in it and why we
still plan on using it after this pregnancy. The reason is not "because
the Church says so." We would still use NFP no matter what the Church
says. Why is that, you might ask?
Reason #1
We Weren't Being That Careful.
Yes, we were surprised, but we weren't being that
careful. We selected a method that had the least
abstinence and the smallest margin of error. We ignored obvious signs of fertility. We bent some of the rules.
In other words, we could have avoided this if we
really had needed to. NFP CAN be highly
effective if you need it to be, but that requires more abstinence, and, really, who likes
abstinence?
I could have avoided this -- but that is just the thing
when you practice your faith while using NFP. You can plan and plan but when it
comes down to it -- if you don’t have a good enough reason to abstain then you
won’t be abstaining very well for very long.
My wife K and I really are in a good
position to have a baby. I have a good job. We got a fantastic deal on a much
larger house than we could have normally been able to afford. It's something we
were starting to talk about, but we just didn't feel ready to do quite yet.
Having a child is a big deal and both of us are super-planners. We're
overcautious only children. If we waited until we were ready to have children,
we probably would never have any.
Reason #2
NFP Gave Us the Correct Data (…we just ignored it).
We tried NFP earlier in our marriage and gave up
on it. A big reason why is that despite taking several classes in two different methods, neither K nor I was sure about her fertility. Not knowing why
we had a surprise pregnancy was as stressful as the surprise pregnancy
itself.
This time around, while there is always room for
improvement in any NFP instruction, we are very satisfied with the instruction we received. The classes were very informative and allowed
us to gain an excellent understanding of K's fertility. This understanding
allowed us to know exactly why we ended up pregnant (and, yes, we do know what
causes that) and how we really can prevent it if we need to.
The reason I shared why we think K got pregnant
is not to blame the method or our teacher, but to help others in similar
situations who really do have very serious reasons to avoid. I see this as consistent with my purpose in
life. So, please take note – no matter
what your NFP instructor might say, not every method of NFP works equally well
for everybody. If one method doesn’t help to gauge your fertility accurately,
try another one. And once you find a method that works for you, don’t ignore
the data unless you’re willing and able to take a risk and accept whatever happens.
Reason #3
We're Really Looking Forward to Our Baby
No, I can't say we were happy about it from day
one. It took some time for us to get used to this unexpected blessing. But now
that the shock has worn off and the crazy pregnancy hormones have settled down,
we're looking forward to welcoming another child into our family.
Our older children are thrilled that they are going to be big sisters. Although we have an extra bedroom, they have already decided that the baby will stay in their room when he moves out of ours. Our older daughter can't stop talking about "Baby Bean." She's fascinated with what it looks like and how it's growing.
Our extended family is happy as well. We haven't
told many people in real life, but everyone we have told has been overjoyed.
It's also brought my wife and me closer
together. Having two unexpected children in our early 20s was stressful on both
of us and stressful on our marriage. We were young, immature, and selfish, and had a poor understanding of Catholic teaching on marriage and sexuality. But
we've been able to see that we're not the same people we were back then. We
grow up. We change. We learn. Seeing the difference in our reactions to this pregnancy
has been very healing in our marriage.
Reason #4
We're Not Going Back to Contraception
When we had unplanned pregnancies from NFP
earlier in our marriage, we figured contraception must be the solution. Having used contraception in our marriage, we
know that "the grass is just as complicated on the other
side". Contraception
doesn't make your problems go away, it just causes new problems, from side
effects of the contraceptive to the bad relational habits you develop when sex
is (in theory) always available.
Jennifer Fulwiler writes about why she and her
husband won't use artificial contraception despite her health problems and despite being "bad at NFP".
I think what most couples find when they give up artificial birth
control to space children naturally (especially when they involve God in the
process), is that the high level of personal sacrifice involved is a feature,
not a bug. NFP is not just another form of birth control; it’s an entirely new
lifestyle. It makes you see yourself and your spouse and your children entirely
differently. It makes you see the meaning of life differently. It even makes
you see your relationship with God differently. And once you’ve spent a while
living that kind of life, you don’t want to go back.
Our marriage has gotten so much better since
making "the switch" that we can't imagine going back either. (Even if
we outgrow the minivan!)
Problem solved. |
Reason #5
I Love Unplanned Parenthood and So Should You
The biggest change is the change that this has
had on K's view of children and pregnancy. K was raised Protestant. She was
taught that family planning was something responsible people did and that
having unplanned pregnancies was a sign that a woman had not "taken
precautions".
Her view of the Catholic Church was that
requiring NFP with complete abstinence during the fertile period made it
extremely difficult for women to properly plan their families, because, let's
face it, while NFP is highly effective under perfect use, it can require
Herculean self-control to use perfectly. But when we started talking about it,
we both began to realize just how impossible it is to "properly
plan your family" under any circumstances.
Surprise Pregnancy: It's not just for Catholics
who use NFP!
;
- We know plenty of "Pill babies".
- We know a few "condom babies".
- We know a "NuvaRing baby".
- We even know a "tubal baby".
Every method of birth control has a failure
rate, and the real world failure rates of contraceptives aren't that low. This is why half of all pregnancies in the United States are
unplanned, despite widespread
contraceptive use.
Reason
#6
It’s OK for Married Couples to Have Babies
The Catholic idea that
babies are a part of marriage and that you shouldn't try to prevent them
without good reason isn't a burden on couples, but a relief. Maintaining the link between sex and
procreation means that if it's OK for married couples to have sex, then it's OK
for them to have babies. Catholic married couples can have as many babies as
they want, planned or unplanned, without apology or excuse.
The difference between an NFP "oops"
and a contraceptive failure is that with an NFP "oops," nothing failed.
We may have underestimated our fertility, but we didn't do anything wrong.
Instead, we were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing as a
married couple and having an incredibly fun time doing it! 8-)
We don't know if we will have more children after
this. We do hope for a bit more spacing than the 19 1/2 months between our two oldest.
But we don't have any "plan" for our family, and that's incredibly
freeing.
Fantastic post James! Thank you for your witness, and I am praying for your family.
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