Marriage Matters Problem-Solving Round-up: Income Loss, Depression, Addiction, Overspending & Empty Nests

My husband Dr. Manny Santos and I were extremely grateful when the Editor-in-Chief of our diocesan magazine recommended us as regular columnists for the FAITH Magazine nation-wide consortium. Their Marriage Matters monthly column presents a difficult marital problem in a "he says-she says" format. Our job is to present helpful, faith-based advice in a few hundred words. Quite a challenge, but one we always enjoy tackling.

Here's a round-up of links to our columns over the past several months. And stay tuned for our April 2016 column on faith-sharing groups for couples and our May 2016 column on spouses who are struggling with using Natural Family Planning.

1. She says: "I really want to be a stay-at-home mom"

    He says: “It’s just not feasible right now”

WE RECOMMEND: Taking the hidden costs of working outside the home into account, and realizing that if she is truly called to be a SAHM they'll find it worth the financial sacrifice. (From the April 2015 issue)

2. She says: "He won’t take his depression meds"

    He says: "I don’t like the side effects"

WE RECOMMEND: Talking to his doctor about switching medications, and resolving to fight the depression together rather than fighting each other. (From the May 2015 issue)

3. He says: "I'm afraid she's becoming addicted"
    She says: "I’m in constant pain"

WE RECOMMEND: Learning the warning signs of addiction, and locating outside sources of help. (From the September 2015 issue)

4. He says: "She lost a lot of our money shopping online"
    She says: "I want to repair our relationship"

WE RECOMMEND: Committing to forgiveness of past behavior and total honesty about current and future shopping habits. (From the November 2015 issue)

5. He says: "The kids moved out, and now she's never home"
    She says: "I just want to stay active in the community"

WE RECOMMEND: Shifting the focus to the marriage and deciding on a new direction to take together in this new stage of their lives. (From the Jan./Feb. 2016 issue)

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Marriage Rx: Civilly Married to Unfaithful, Uncommunicative Husband

Question: A young woman (20) who is a family friend has reached out to me for advice on her marriage. She rushed into a marriage (civil) with a man she hadn't known long, and I think she realizes now that she has made a mistake. She's in a pretty bad situation (he is unfaithful and uncommunicative), and she wants my advice, but I do not feel qualified to advise her. She hasn't been in church much for quite some time, and hasn't  had much luck talking to the priests in her area. They've all just told her to work it out. Any suggestions for where she could get help or any resources I could offer her? It does not sound like her husband is willing to seek help.

Answer: Your friend is blessed that she has someone like you to rely on for advice. She is also wise to reach out for help now, as soon as she needs it.

The biggest problem their relationship faces is clearly his infidelity. Approximately 25% marriages have been impacted by infidelity. Husbands are the ones more likely to cheat -- 22% of  husbands have had extramarital sex vs. only 13% of wives. There are many causes of infidelity. Sometimes the cause is pure selfishness. Other times it is fueled by an addiction to pornography, a type of "virtual infidelity" that can lead to physical infidelity, according to Catholic psychiatrist Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons. A lack of faith (or "lower religiosity") is also a risk factor, says Dr. Fitzgibbons. The fact that your friend's husband has been unfaithful this early in the marital relationship is particularly disturbing.

Two factors that compound the problem are the couple's rush to marriage and the husband's lack of communicativeness. Most parishes recommend at least a six-month engagement period before getting married, partly because engagement is a time of discernment. Engaged couples should be learning about each other on a deeper level while building a stable foundation for their future marriage. Your friend and her husband skipped that crucial stage. Because of his uncommunicativeness, it will be difficult to make up that lost relationship-building opportunity. Married couples can get past problems with infidelity, but they can't have any illusions about how much time and effort it will take to heal the emotional wounds.

On a spiritual level, your friend and her husband are missing out on the graces of a sacramental marriage. A civil marriage, where at least one person is Catholic, is not valid in the eyes of the Church (without a prior dispensation). An annulment of a civil marriage can be processed fairly easily and quickly after providing the proper documentation. Your friend ought to give serious thought to either getting married in the Church ("convalidating" the earlier civil ceremony) or exploring the possibility of an annulment.

Your friend is right to ask a priest for help. It's unfortunate that she hasn't been able to find one willing and able to give her good counsel. What she probably needs is a trained spiritual director, who can meet with her regularly. Some organizations within the Church, like Opus Dei, specialize in providing spiritual direction. There are lay-run organizations as well. A weekend silent retreat could also help her to determine where God is leading her.

Although the circumstances seem grim, it's telling that neither person has walked out the door yet. You say it doesn't sound like the husband is willing to seek help, but perhaps he would change his mind if he's persuaded that the relationship can't heal on its own. Retrouvaille has brought many couples back from the brink of divorce. A Retrouvaille weekend teaches journaling techniques designed to solve the problem of uncommunicativeness. Post-weekend follow-ups are an important part of the program. Your friend could also find marriage counselors in her area through CatholicTherapists.com or sign up for tele-counseling through Dr. Greg Popcak's Pastoral Solutions Institute.

Make no mistake, your friend's marriage needs intensive care. Kudos to you for trying to help her find it.

Marriage Rx: Married to a Catholic in Name Only

What if your husband isn’t interested in being the family’s spiritual leader? My husband Dr. Manny Santos and I discuss ways to attract your husband to the faith while minimizing obstacles (like kids who would rather play than pay attention during Mass).

Question: I am Catholic trying to practice my faith married to a Catholic in name only. We have 3 children together and try to attend Mass weekly but it is very mentally and emotionally draining as it is hard to reach church and the lackluster homilies bring out a scathing critic in my husband who criticizes every statement made while we drive back. Moreover, he is playful with the kids during the holiest moments in Mass and I don't feel he receives communion believing that Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist. ... I cannot attend Mass as frequently as I want to because of our location and other responsibilities and this is a major source of depression in me. ...Our marriage feels like any ordinary marriage founded on equality and peace within the family but there is no Christ at the helm. I really need my husband to be the head of the family as God intends which is something he finds ludicrous. ...I really do not understand the purpose of marriage anymore but I'm hanging in there all the same.


Answer: We're sorry to hear how much you're suffering, but you've described a marriage with a lot of good in it! The fact that you try to attend Mass weekly as a family is a solid basis for a strong spiritual relationship. Lackluster homilies are a big disappointment for everyone, but it sounds like you agree with your husband that your priest's homilies are not the greatest. Some people have a habit of learning through criticizing and identifying flaws in the information that's been presented to them. It sounds like your husband could be one of these people. His willingness to analyze and discuss the homily is an important opportunity for you to teach him what you know about the faith. If the priest was unclear (or even wrong), you can give your husband more information or better information. If you don't know how to answer one of your husband's criticisms, look up the answer in the Catechism or on trustworthy Internet sites. There is a wealth of spiritual resources out there. In the words of St. Josemaria Escrivá, “Study. Study in earnest. If you are to be salt and light, you need knowledge, capability" (The Way, no. 340).

Attending Mass with kids can be stressful for everyone. Kids frequently wiggle around, get distracted, or cry. Playing with kids during Mass might keep them from crying or complaining too loudly, but it's not an ideal strategy. You can try sitting between your husband and the kids, so the main job of explaining the Mass to the kids and enforcing their good behavior falls on you. Then your husband probably won't be tempted to be playful with them at crucial moments.

Your yearning for Mass and the Eucharist is a great gift and will bring you many graces! But Catholics aren't obligated to attend Mass except on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, so there's no need to despair. Take advantage of prayers of spiritual communion, like this one attributed to St. Alphonsus Liguori:

My Jesus, I believe that you are in the Blessed Sacrament. I love you above all things, and I long for you in my soul. Since I cannot now receive you sacramentally, come at least spiritually into my heart. As though you have already come, I embrace you and unite myself entirely to you; never permit me to be separated from you. Amen.

Above all, don't forget that God has bound you and your husband together in a sacramental marriage, and Christ is at the helm, whether or not you both realize it. You've described your marriage as based on "equality and peace." Thank God for that -- some people don't have those qualities in their marriage.

Many husbands have difficulty taking spiritual headship. You are not alone. It sounds like you've told him what you want. It's time to be silent and let him ponder the idea at his own pace. You don't have to bring it up again except with God in prayer. Your marriage has a definite purpose -- to get you and your husband closer to God. Your marriage is your path to heaven. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard, and frequently it's not what you expect. Be patient. Persevere. Show your husband how much you appreciate his other qualities. Pray that God will bless your husband with the gift of faith, and then trust that Christ is at the helm of your marriage and he will guide you both safely home.

Have you struggled with this issue? What strategies have worked best for you?

To contact us, send an email to catholicmarriagerx at gmail dot com. To learn about our marriage advice book, The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, subscribe here and receive a free downloadable gift.

Marriage Rx: Should I Tell My Friend's Husband That She's Cheating?

In a recent New York Times column by someone calling himself  "The Ethicist," a reader asks if he should continue to conceal his friend's long-standing extramarital affair from her husband. The columnist advised the reader not to reveal the affair because the reader was closer friends with the woman than with her husband. Here is a shortened version of the original question and our very different answer.

Question: I am a man (if it matters) and friends with a married woman, ‘‘Jane,’’ and her husband, ‘‘Peter.’’ The friendship is more with Jane than with Peter. Jane is having an affair with ‘‘Martin,’’ whom Jane has known most of her adult life. I know about the affair because Jane confided in me years ago. Jane thinks Martin is her true life’s ‘‘soul mate,’’ and I think she may be right. Peter does not know about the affair. If he knew about it, I think he would divorce Jane in a minute. Jane and Martin likely will never be together. Martin is married with children, and he lives in another country. Martin visits the United States once or twice a year on business, and during those visits Jane and Martin spend a weekend together, usually in a hotel. Jane lies to Peter when this happens; she tells him she’s away on a business trip. What should I do? If I continue to be friends with Jane and Peter, I end up in some small way lying to Peter, who is also a friend. Name Withheld


Answer: The quandary is that Jane is betraying her husband Peter, but if the reader tells Peter about the affair then the reader is betraying his friend Jane. It's natural for most people to want to run far, far away from such a sticky situation.

The pros of telling Peter about the affair are (1) Peter will know the truth; (2) the reader will no longer have to deceive or lie to Peter; and (3) Jane may be motivated to stop the affair. The cons of telling Peter about the affair are (1) it's really none of the reader's business; (2) Jane told him about the affair in confidence; and (3) Peter might divorce Jane once he finds out.

The New York Times columnist concluded: "you are in a deeply compromised moral situation — one in which the cure is worse than the condition. As is so often the case, there’s no way out from under the net. ... The best outcome often has something deplorable about it." In a word, balderdash (or something else that starts with "b").

There is a way out. It doesn't involve the reader talking to Peter, but it does involve him talking to Jane. It's called fraternal correction, or admonishing the sinner, and it's a spiritual work of mercy. We found a great blogpost setting out a few ground rules for fraternal correction, and this situation meets them all.

1. Is it serious? This one is easy. A long-term extramarital affair is extremely serious.

2. Will it resolve itself? Jane has been able to hide her affair from her husband for years. She apparently has no motivation to stop her relationship with a man she feels is her "soul mate." She doesn't seem to mind involving her friends in the deception either. There's very little chance that the situation will resolve itself without intervention.

3. Will it be effective? The strength of the reader's friendship with Jane actually counsels in favor of his being able to reach her. If she cares about her friend, she will understand that he does not want to deceive or lie to her husband. Perhaps perceiving it  through her friend's eyes, she will see that deceiving her husband is not the right thing to do.

4. Do you have the best shot at getting the point across? The reader may be one of the only people who knows about the affair. Therefore, he may be one of the only people who can convince Jane that her behavior is bad for her marriage.

So, our response in a nutshell is that the reader ought to tell Jane that he doesn't feel comfortable lying to her husband about the affair. He can explain that she is putting her marriage at risk by continuing the affair and that treating her lover as her "soul-mate" is preventing her from seeing her husband that way. If she stops the affair, she may just find that her husband can be the "soul-mate" she's longing for.

What's the Point of World Marriage Day?

When Elizabeth Scalia, editor-in-chief of Aleteia, asked me to write an article on World Marriage Day, I crowd-sourced my mommy blogger friends and got great ideas about how they and their husbands were planning to celebrate. More importantly, I learned what sacramental marriage means to them and how deeply committed they are to it. I am so proud to know them!

Click through to read the whole article on Aleteia:

Cynics already mock Valentine’s Day as a marketing-driven campaign that generated $18.9 billion last year. Why do we need spin-off events like World Marriage Day ...? Think of it as an effort to reclaim the culture for Christ. 

....

In our sex-saturated culture, it’s essential to proclaim that romantic love is not the pinnacle of human happiness. As the schoolchildren’s rhyme goes, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” Romance leads to marriage, and marriage leads to families that are domestic churches forming souls for Christ. World Marriage Day redirects us to that truth.